when it's a no

Are you obligated to respond on Grindr? The gays are divided

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In less than a week online, a Reddit thread about Grindr manners racked up more than 500 comments as r/askgaybros users debated whether interested parties are entitled to a response on dating apps.

One Reddit user opened the discussion with this bold statement: “Nobody owes you a damn thing on hookup apps … and no response is indeed a response.”

He continued:

If somebody doesn’t text you back, it could be for a [number] of reasons. Maybe they’re busy and didn’t see your text, maybe they’re not looking to hook up right then and there, or maybe they’re just not interested. So what? The point is that no one owes you a list of reasons why they’re not interested. No response is a response, so y’all just need to get off your high horse and put more time into maturing because if someone resorts to insults and swearing when they don’t receive a response from you, imagine what they’re like if you were to actually meet them in person.

Many users agreed with this Grindr philosophy—or, at least, they don’t take it to heart when they don’t get a response. But not everyone believes silence is the best policy. Here’s a recap of arguments posted on the thread so far:

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Some people have sworn off responding when they’re not interested.

“I used to think a nonresponse was rude, but after being berated by people for saying that you aren’t interested, I get the why,” one user wrote. “Gays aren’t ready for rejection.”

Another guy agreed, commenting, “Yeah, the people saying ignoring or blocking is rude probably haven’t been on the rejecting side a lot. Most guys get vile when you reject them.”

A third user wrote, “I tried for a bit being the ‘good’ person and telling them I’m not interested/they’re not my type or whatever. Got some incredibly salty people spewing vitriol at me and decided it just wasn’t worth it. Went back to just not responding.”

Others don’t mind being ignored.

Being left on read doesn’t bother some of these Reddit commenters. “I don’t mind guys who don’t respond, and I certainly don’t message again trying to initiate a response,” said one. “You just move on. No problem.”

Another person said he “appreciate[s] the ones who don’t respond versus the ones who are all for it and then bail or block when it’s time to meet up.”

Related:

Gay Redditors list what they look for in a Grindr match, besides looks

Matchmaker matchmaker make me a match.

And others think there are ways of responding politely.

Someone else on the thread begged to differ, writing, “I don’t agree, but that’s just me. I find it mean. Just be honest with people! I hate it when that happens to me, so I try not to do it to others. At least you know it’s not a bot but a real person if they respond with something like, ‘I’m sorry, man, I’m not interested. Happy hunting!’ [That’s] my usual reply. Sometimes I’m not into them sexually but I’m down to chat. But I let them know that. I try to be polite about it.”

One Reddit user said he has never gotten a “violent” answer after saying he’s not interested. “Maybe the way y’all say it is rude,” he conjectured. “‘Pass’ is not a polite way of indicating you’re not interested. Y’all should’ve also learnt manners.”

And someone else commented, “Simply saying you’re not interested has a level of integrity. … It’s not about being a good person per se. It’s about being clear in a way that silence just isn’t—which is why someone might hit you up multiple times until you do respond.”

Do you respond to Grindr users when you’re just not that into them? And if so, how? Give us your take in the comments.

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