Dating is hard

‘Beefy as hell’ 19-year-old has a problem as an ‘extremely masc bottom’

Stereotypes ruin the party again. One guy says he has a problem keeping men’s attention as a black, “extremely masc” bottom because he doesn’t conform to perceptions of what bottoms should look and act like.

“I’m the big black muscle guy that looks like a top,” he writes on Reddit. “I’m 19, but I’m beefy as hell, so most people think I’m in my late 20s. I’m also a complete submissive bitch, but most guys don’t expect that out of me. I’m not opposed to topping, but I only like to top guys that I know will be around for a while (like a FWB or a romantic interest). I’ve been told I’m handsome and all of that, but all guys want is the lightweight twink they can throw around. All of my hookups have called me a big dude in a good way, but it seems like it isn’t the dream. Plus I’m black so everybody thinks I’m a top as well.” test

This author would be glad that he is the dream for some men. “How rare of a species is this?” one wrote in a DataLounge forum thread about masc bottoms. “I think I’ve finally found one, and, damn, am I in heaven.”

“Masculine bottom porn suggestions most welcome,” commented another user.

On another DataLounge thread, someone asked if masculine guys bottoming is “hot or not.” Responses to that post included “very hot” and “the best.”

Related: Gay men, it’s time to get over your insecurity issues with feminine guys, blogger says

That addresses the perception that masculine men can’t be desired as bottoms, but what about the bias against black men as bottoms? Unfortunately, the Redditor is far from alone, and the fetishization of certain races is yet again to blame. Take this Thought Catalog essay titled “Dear White Gays: Not All Black Guys Are Tops.”

“I want you to know that when you approach me at the bar or online and you assume I’m a top, or that I’m hung, or that I’m hung and a top, I feel dehumanized,” the author writes. “It feels like you’re reducing me to a thing that can perform a service for you, not like a mutual bond, the way sex should be.

He concludes: “When you’re a black gay guy, bottoming is a political stance. It’s a small way of saying, I don’t want to play the game of upholding dehumanizing stereotypes and images. I don’t want to confirm media and cultural stereotypes about black ‘virile’ masculinity.”

Related: Hold the ‘Chocolate’! Racially coded hookup talk is so unsexy

Moral of the story: We should all just appreciate humanity in its all many forms, and, more specifically, men who have sex with men in all their many roles.