The time is now

Gay men, it’s time to get over your insecurity issues with feminine guys, blogger says

Man in striped shirt standing against a pink background.

A recent survey conduced by Attitude found that 71% of gay men said they are turned off by guys who demonstrate signs of femininity, and 41% said they “give the gay community a bad image or reputation.”

Well, London-based blogger Anthony Gilét has something to say about that.

In a new think-piece for Attitudehe writes, “The concept of masculinity, like most labels, is a bit of an outdated construct that makes people feel alienated and bad about themselves when they don’t fit the mold.”

Related: An alarming number of gay men say they’re totally turned off by feminine guys

He continues:

I personally think it’s far more attractive when somebody accepts, loves and owns who they are, rather than portraying a faux masculinity they’ve adopted to appeal to the masses. The irony is, pretending to be someone you’re not isn’t masculine at all. In fact, it takes far bigger balls to learn to love your genuine self.

Word.

Gilét also brings up another good point: Who decides what’s masculine and what’s feminine?

The answer: No one… and everyone… at the same time.

Related: Do Gay Men Have A Problem With “Glorifying Toxic Ideals Of Masculinity”? This Blogger Thinks So.

“Both femininity and masculinity aren’t real things,” he explains. “They’re not factual, nor tangible; they’re subjective.”

The reality is that masculinity isn’t as cut and dry as either you ‘are’, or you ‘aren’t’. To me, it makes sense to see masculinity like sexuality: as a spectrum. All of us have elements of masculinity and femininity to them–none of which should be repressed, by parents, neighboring kids, that guy on Grindr, or, most importantly ourselves.

What do you think about what Gilét is saying? Do masculinity and femininity exist on a spectrum? How do you define masculine and feminine behavior? Share you thoughts in the comments section…

h/t: Attitude

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73 Comments

  • Brody

    Call me a conspiracy theorist if you must, but I’m beginning to think that Queerty is on a campaign to shame me into having sympathy sex with girly men.

    • Bfrenz

      Good God, might be?

    • Jack Meoff

      Has anyone noticed than whenever the issue of masculinity comes up it is the fem guys who get up in arms about it and are writing articles about it and just generally having an issue with it. It’s never masculine guys who bring up the issue because they don’t have a problem. I think that is very telling about the issue as a whole.

    • Juanjo

      Oh jeez, it is a sock puppet convention. BTW Danny, which advanced degrees are you claiming you have been awarded this week?

    • Knight

      Brody LOL!!!! I think there’s a “Sympathy Sex” app they’ll be pushing in an upcoming article. It’s like Grndr…only you KNOW the hookup will end up badly from the start.

    • leptoon

      @Jack Meoff, Has anyone noticed that whenever the issue of slavery comes up it’s the slaves who get up in arms about it and it’s never slave owners who bring up the issue because they don’t have a problem with it. I think that is very telling about the issue as a whole.

  • Kieru

    I absolutely agree with Gilet that the social concept of masculinity and femininity exist on a spectrum and that what qualifies as what is subject to a lot of change based on person, region, era, etc. But the end argument? That argument never ends in a resolution because it always treats attraction as though it were purely based on learned behavior.

    Attraction is more complex than that; it is a combination of physiological, psychological, and socially learned behaviors.

  • Stache

    I agree that being who you are is far more attractive and it does fit on spectrum. Now if he’d just stop there. Saying that those that are masculine are just repressed queens seems to be a pushing his own agenda.

    Also, when someone defines guys they like as masculine it’s very specific. Very much not outdated.

    • Creamsicle

      I agree. A lot of us are being our authentic selves, and that self just happens to not be queeny culture. I’m more into nerd culture, and see myself as not being particularly masc nor fem, because those are stupid identifiers. It’s like saying that pink is for girls and blue is for boys. It’s historically an arbitrary thing in culture, and a stupid and shallow thing to say as an adult.

      Will I watch a musical? Depends on the musical and my mood. Will I go to a big gay circuit party? Hell no. I prefer an intimate evening with a few friends to giant gatherings predicated on finding dick. Do I hit the gym 4 times a week? Not currently, but I have in the past and I hope to in the future. Does that make me an insecure masc4masc bro? People are complex and not easily categorized if you don’t force some outside label and tribal affiliation on them.

      The guy I’m dating has called himself fem in passing, but I don’t really see it. If that’s genuinely how he identifies then cool: I like him for his nerdy interests, similar eclectic music tastes, and because he’s cute. As long as we have fun when we’re together then I don’t care what other labels he applies to himself because none of them describe everything about him, and I keep finding little surprises whenever we spend time together.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    Ultra-feminine guys tend to be mean and bitchy, that’s all. You just get tired of all the constant meanness and bitchiness, that constant ‘snap.”

    Having said that I agree that it’s a spectrum. A lot of guys who think of themselves as “masculine” seem to have never heard a tape recording of their own voices. LOL.

    • Josh447

      Couldn’t it be that you’re talking about charicature drag queens pretending to be bitchy mean females? I call those people doing the fa++ot routine. Calling that feminine isn’t real. Mean and bitchy isn’t a feminine trait just like it’s not a masculine trait. If it’s used constantly by someone I call it a fa++ot trait. Just like over exuberance, gay, which used to mean, and still does to an extent, overly happy guys. The word gay carries alot of baggage alot of men who like men don’t like.
      Masc and fem are subjective. Overly silly or screaming mean fags are not, save intensity, of which has mostly defined all of us who are gay, in the media, for years. I have no beef with fag behavior, it’s funny, but when someone ends up dead in an alley bc that’s the only perception out there bc the media wants to make money off our backs by depicting only that, it’s a concern.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @jOSH447: Oh, I’ll bet anything that this sociologist/blogger, Anthony Gilét, is MEAN and BITCHY!

      Also that he’s resentful about all the masculine guys who aren’t sexually interested in him. (Not that masculinity is “real” or anything!)

    • Knight

      Heywood you’re about the meanest/bitchiest person on this site. Kind of the pot calling the kettle black here.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @Knight: You’ve been here as your new screen name “Knight” for what, three weeks, and you’ve already criticized me twice. Hmm, how strange that you supposedly know so much about me when you’re pretending to be a newbie here.

      You’re obviously one of the right-wing trolls who’s been banned by Queerty for violating the TOS.

      Anyway I assure you, after you’ve been here “officially” for more than three weeks you’ll realize that there are several meaner & bitchier posters than me. At least a dozen! :)

    • Knight

      Heytard you are about the 3rd person who has accused me of being someone other than myself. I only recently learned about this website (thought it was less than 3 weeks ago, but will take your word on it). First, only a complete idiot would call me “right wing” which to a bitchy troll like yourself simply means I don’t jump on the bandwagon and shriek at anyone who isn’t a Democrat. Second, in my very first interaction with you, you accused me of being a “troll”, someone else etc etc etc…and I’ve noticed this is your M.O. for anyone who disagrees with you. So, either your pathetic, bitchy little ego is sooooooo fragile that you can’t perceive of yet ANOTHER person who disagrees with you, or you’re just too stupid to realize one person from the next. Either way, you and one other person thus far “take the cake” for being the worst kind of troll here. But yes…I’ll keep my eyes open to see if someone is worthy of stealing your tiara there, cup-cake.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @Knight: “in my very first interaction with you, you accused me of being a ‘troll'”

      Nope. You must be thinking of someone else. Donston, maybe? You seem to have really hit it off with him. :)

      There was only ONE occasion, before this comment thread, where you reacted to a comment of mine. I didn’t respond at all that time.

      This occasion right here is much more bizarre.

    • Knight

      Heytard hmmm…you wrote: ” I know you’re pretending to be rather “new” here”. Are you going senile? Pretending to be someone else is in fact trolling. The other individual I was referring to was indeed Dumbphuck; as obnoxious as you both are, I wouldn’t claim you are the same people. In fact, IMHO, anyone who creates more than 1 profile on this or ANY comment section goes beyond pathetic, because it shows they don’t have a life outside in the “real world”. I’ve been around the block to know that the owners/managers of certain sites create multiple user accounts themselves to look like there is more traffic (and often “stir the pot” with them to spark a discussion through baiting). But I prefer to take anyone I am talking to at face value. If I doubt their sincerity or who they are, I just won’t comment (as opposed to moronically using that as a talking point to game some kind of credibility in a losing argument). Anyway, I’m fine with ignoring you as well. In fact, yeah…i think we’re done.

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @Knight: For the record (i.e. for anyone else reading this, lol):

      This comment thread is a topic that you and I DON’T EVEN DISAGREE ON.

      So your reactions here are extremely odd. Suspicious, even.

  • am_psi

    Masculinity and femininity aren’t real things, but also there are 92 genders, or whatever, and we have to believe you when you say you’re something, even though it’s 100% scientifically disprovable? Insanity.

    • Knight

      AM agreed. I don’t believe anything this lunatic says. And the idea that there are 92 or whatever “genders” is just as stupid as the white chicks saying they identify as black these days. Just another way for people to feel “unique” about themselves (and superior that they “get it” and we don’t).

    • Heywood Jablowme

      @Knight: How interesting that you and I agree on this. LOL.

    • Knight

      Heytard if I said “it’s cold outside” when it’s 2 degrees, you’d probably agree with me there too, because I’d be right then as well. The fact you agree with me doesn’t make me feel particularly special; it just shows you aren’t always stupid (though more often than not it is definitely the case if this site is any indicator).

  • KaiserVonScheiss

    Masculinity is not an ‘outdated concept.’ This is just the lunatic ramblings of a post-modernist/social constructionist loon. They want to redefine and obfuscate and to convince people that things like gender and masculinity don’t really exist.

    Well, that’s insane. There are biological differences between the sexes. That is a scientific fact and has been established. The only people who reject it are the social constructionists — people who reject the scientific method.

  • Tobi

    Hmmm… has anyone else noticed that the real straight-acting, masculine presenting, horny drop-dead-gorgeous hunky studs are nearly always to be found chasing pretty feminine boys and drag queens?!

    • eireapparent

      No. I find those guys to almost categorically attract their bookend counterparts. The human equivalent of his and his towels.

    • John

      Yeah, I don’t agree Tobi. Every “ultra masculine” guy I’ve seen is partnered with a mirror image of himself.

    • Tobi

      It must be a Brit. thing. :)

  • WhattheF

    A lot of people on the internet are only pushing their own agenda/opinion. Who decides these things? I do. You do.
    I choose for myself. You do not get to tell me who I should and should not be attracted to. Nor do you get to shame me for it.
    Everything is already to subjective and PC. Make your point and back it logically. Let it go there. Do not scream your agenda/opinion at me or insist that I agree with you.

  • JohnAGJ

    You know what else is part of masculinity? Not giving a crap what twerps like this fellow have to say.

  • Lucas23

    Gay men, it’s time to get over your insecurity issues with masculine guys. It’s just like some black guys complaining about racism, but in the end they only try to hook up with white guys, then gets frustrated after rejection.

  • Phil H

    I don’t have any insecurity issues about feminine men, I’m simply not sexually attracted to feminine men. Friends, acquaintances, absolutely. Someone I want to have sex with, nope.

    • John

      See. That’s the thing. Are we biased against fem guys if we aren’t sexually attracted to them? We can’t help who we are attracted to. Yes, it’s good to have an open mind and date different types of guys but you shouldn’t force yourself to be someone just because you feel guilt tripped by bloggers.

    • Danny595

      All things being equal, it is better to have normal guys as your friends versus feminine guys. Feminine guys, like the blogger described in the post above, obsess over their manhood fail and they try to bring other gay guys down to their level so they don’t feel as bad about themselves. They also try to undermine the masculinity of other gay guys by using female pronouns and similar linguistic microagressions. Some are OK as friends, but if everything else is equal, you are better off going with a normal guy friend.

    • AdrianS

      The only ones obsessed with masculine guys are femme guys. They complain of not getting dates or sex. I wonder, do other femme guys reject them as well? Do they only hit on masculine men?. The real femmephobes are the femme gay guy then. That is why I feel not “pitty” here. It’s like a 200kg guy only hitting on athletic muscular men. There might me some they are chuby chasers, but is he really going to complain of fatphobia when himself won’t date other fat man?. Same with black men don’t dating other blacks or asians don’t dating other asians. I just don’t get it. No one should be guilttriped to sex/date.

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    “The concept of 6’4”, rock hard abs, with chiselled Nordic/Nubian Fückgod features is a bit of an outdated construct that makes people feel alienated and bad about themselves when they don’t fit the mold.”

    Life’s not fair. Get over it.

  • Paco

    Yes. Masculinity and femininity exist on a spectrum. The perception of where people fall on that spectrum is subjective.

    It’s interesting that gay men are obsessed with trying to out masc each other in order to get laid, but straight guys just are masculine without announcing it every chance they get.

    If people can’t consider you to be masculine without you having to constantly say so or put other men down for not being your standard of masculinity, it is only shining a spotlight on what you are missing and pretending to have.

    It doesn’t bother me if someone is turned off by someone they perceive to have traits they aren’t attracted to. What concerns me is that 41% said that feminine guys “give the gay community a bad image or reputation.”

    Shouldn’t your image or reputation be of your own making? That’s some big insecurities and hetero worship happening there. Who is the real problem? The guys living authentically without caring how uncomfortable straights are with them, or the ones bending over backwards to make sure they don’t upset the heteros with their lust for d1cks?

    • Donston

      I didn’t say this in my because you already said it. Sociology of the gay man is still a mess due to a combination of male-homophobia, internalized homophobia, general self-consciousness and low esteem. You don’t get a prize for being “masculine”. At the end of the day if you’re gay or “majority gay” and live a life as such a great percentage of the world is gonna consider you faag no matter how deep your voice is, how straight you walk is and how many sports you’re into. Perhaps if more “masculine” men weren’t so much more prone to be closeted or wasn’t much more likely to exude self-hatred and internalized homophobia one wouldn’t have to worry so much about perceived “bad examples”.

  • dsharpark

    There are several problems with the bloggers thought process.

    First he assumes that any “masculinity” exposed by gay men must be “faux” … (good God… just say “fake”, queeny!).

    Second, he assumes that gay men who aren’t feminine must not love and accept themselves like he does … (w…t…f…).

    Finally he regales us with his astute observation that masculinity-femininity is a spectrum… as if that means I can’t choose my favorite color.

    It has absolutely nothing to do with insecurity. I’m masculine. I’m attracted to guys. I’m not attracted to girls who act like guys… I’m not attracted to guys who act like girls. (I’m also an engineer… and it would be great to one day read an article on gays in the workplace where the workplace isn’t a non-profit, hairstylist or restaurant… just throwing that out there!)

    So maybe the reason masculine guys aren’t attracted to you isn’t their fault…. maybe you’re just not attractive to masculine men.

    • Sam6969

      Hi, Dsharpark,
      Out of curiosity, may I ask you if you are attracted to men for their masculinity first?
      i.e. is it the first thing you look for in a man and If is not the case, what place masculinity has in your attraction process?

    • AdrianS

      This :D (Thumbs up)

  • jjose712

    “The problemI personally think it’s far more attractive when somebody accepts, loves and owns who they are, rather than portraying a faux masculinity they’ve adopted to appeal to the masses. The irony is, pretending to be someone you’re not isn’t masculine at all. In fact, it takes far bigger balls to learn to love your genuine self. ”

    The problem with this is that the writer is implying that being “fem” is what you have to be when you are gay, because if you are not you are playing pose (i don’t know what the writer would think of femenine heterosexuals, they exist and they are not few) which is utterly absurd.

    I find this attack of people’s natural attraction ridiculous. You are attracted to who you are attracted, period.
    If you don’t find femenine guys attractive, bad luck, because there are a lot of femenine guys who are great and could make you happy, but you can’t force yourself into liking something you don’t like and you should not feel bad for it unless you are treating bad effeminate guys appart of not being attracted to them

  • Danny595

    So the argument is: 1) Masculinity and femininity aren’t real, and 2) we all have masculinity and femininity, which aren’t real, inside us and they make up our genuine selves.

    Seems like he spent a lot of time thinking this out.

    Maybe he should spend less time trying to justify his manhood fail and more time improving himself.

    • Knight

      Danny it’s worse than you think. In the UK, masculinity is shamed in both the heterosexual and homosexual community. In London especially, men are beyond what in the US is “metrosexual”. It’s honestly difficult to tell a gay man from a straight man in London these days. And that’s how they like it.

  • Taiyoken

    Just adding one more voice to th pile of this is absurd. Leave people to be who they are and like whatever they like.
    Masculinity and femininity are real. If you’re effeminate, then cool, you do you. But I’m not attracted to effeminate men and all the blogs in the world aren’t likely to change that. So if you’re effeminate we probably aren’t going to date(and I’m sure you’re real broken up about that.)

  • Donston

    The insecurity is indeed real. Internalized homophobia (which continues to mostly get ignored by gay media) and fem-phobia are both things that hover over many gay and gay-leaning men to some extent or another. However, telling people who to be attracted to and who to hang out with is an inappropriate way of opening up discussion and chipping away at conflicts. Confronting what may be the causes of the some of the tensions as well as some of talking about the internal and sociological struggles of men who see themselves as “fem” or “masc” is a more productive way of going about things.

    Shaming everyone who doesn’t step perfectly in line, praising narcissism, offering nothing but cliches and looking at things from a one-note perspective and a victimized perspective continue to be a big problems for lgbtq media. And it just leads to more division not understanding.

    • Donston

      Also, I think what the writer is trying imply is that everyone has whatever type and degree of natural femininity and masculinity in them and that many people play up certain attributes or feel the need to put on a phony persona. And that’s true to some extent and should be discussed further. But to say gay=feminine is borderline offensive and just flat-out ignorant.

  • Jaxton

    Maybe it’s time that effeminate men got over their hang-up about masculinity.

  • truckproductions

    so… we can’t be attracted to masculine guys.. we get shamed for acknowledging that fact.. But no problem with people shaming guys who are strictly bottoms? or tops? Where does this shit stop?

  • Xzamilloh

    You know what? We like masculinity. A lot of gay men like men who exude masculinity, and there’s nothing with that. And not to beat a dead horse, but Mr. Gremore is the LAST person to be trying to wag his finger at gay men liking masculine men, seeing as how you can predictably guess the author of these straight obsessed articles and it’s always him. Even the most feminine of gay men like masculine men, because there’s a sexy quality to dominance and stamina and swag. It denotes someone who will take the lead and for some people, that is a massive turn-on. And feminine gay men can be just as dominant and that can be a turn-on.

    We’re dudes. We like dudes. Being gay doesn’t make us any less of dudes or liking what men like. I like playing contact sports and working with my hands, and watch Real Housewives. I guess find a happy medium and shut the hell up

  • PinkoOfTheGange

    Are we still pearl clutching over a self selection poll?

    BTW what a load of flipping navel gazing.

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    “I personally think it’s far more attractive when somebody accepts, loves and owns who they are, “

    Mushy, meaningless, feel-good, pablum. Seems to me there’s no shortage of self-love (if not narcissism), and self-confidence (if not arrogance) in the most obnoxiously loud, red-bottom-and-purse-toting flamboyant fems. So we’re now expected to believe “self-confidence” ipso facto magically confers sexiness? Sorry, Nope. Glad you feel good about yourself but: STILL UNFÜCKABLE. Because I (and most gay/bi guys) are, for better or worse, still gonna be more SEXUALLY attracted to, say, even the most conflicted, damaged, MASCULINE James Dean type (dark & brooding is sexy!) over a jazz-handsy, self-accepting Ross Mathews. Go figure!

    • AdrianS

      He forgot to mention that he meant that if somebody accepts he’s femme. If toy are somebody who love who he is, and that means masculine (heteronormative stareotype) then you are not valid nor attractive. Altought it seems this blogger is just lusting for masculine men who don’t want him

  • chris33133

    The best thing about having lived through the 60s is that I feel entitled to like who I like without apologies or explanations. That means that when people start to preach about anything involving my sexual turn-ons, they get turned off in more ways than one.

    • Knight

      Nice ; )

      And much respect to you from the millennial crowd (although I bet you don’t hear this enough from us).

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    Some gay guys such as Andy Cohen, or especially Billy Eichner (who has a physically imposing male energy), deliberately and inauthentically amp up the camp as part of their shtick and could just as easily dial it back to at least neutral (Anderson Cooper territory) while still being true to their nature; whereas the Johnny Weirs of this world just give off a totally OTHER, feminine energy that they’re as good as trans-adjacents. Those ones legit creep me out.

    • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

      “Creeped out” in the sense of having sex with them or them sexualising themselves to me. Fine on a strictly professional or aqaintance basis.

  • Kieran

    “I personally think it’s far more attractive when somebody accepts, loves and owns who they are, rather than portraying a faux masculinity they’ve adopted to appeal to the masses. The irony is, pretending to be someone you’re not isn’t masculine at all. In fact, it takes far bigger balls to learn to love your genuine self.” That is undeniably true. But it doesn’t negate the fact that not all male masculinity is “faux”. Masculinity exists and most gay men are attracted to it the way most straight men are attracted to big boobs.

    • Knight

      Very well said. Unfortunately, there are always haters who want what others have and they do not. A woman with small teh-tas will look at one with larger ones and say, “fake…” while many bitter, queeny gay guys look at masculine gay guys and say, “closet case…” Nothing new here.

  • baggins435

    No one has the right to tell anyone who they should be attracted to. No way, no how. Get over yourself, you can’t make every gay man on the planet like you no matter how much you try. They either do or they don’t. If the guy you have the hots for doesn’t give you a second look, try seeing it from his point of view. Maybe it IS you, not him. I’m an average guy. Average looks, build, mannerisms, maybe a little above average intelligence from extensive reading. I wear glasses and I’ve had a hairy chest since I was 16. I don’t go to the gym, and I don’t give a fig about “fashion.” I wear cargo shorts and T-shirts, jeans and polo shirts. I KNOW the “hot” guys don’t even see me, and I’m ok with that because they are still nice to look at. Maybe it’s stereotyping, so be it, but I’ve found most effeminate guys to be shallow, vain, in your face drama queens with a chip on their shoulders. They aren’t interested in anything I like, and I just can’t take them seriously at all. I have two gay brothers, one older and one younger and we are the oldest of 6. My older brother is in the leather/bear scene, which I don’t “get” anymore than I do the feminine guys, but at least he doesn’t try to guilt trip everyone into thinking they have to like him no matter what. Live your life how you want to, but please, let me live mine, too.

    • JJinAus

      You sound hot to me!

    • Kenobi40

      I never make accounts for sites like this, but you encapsulated my thoughts on this slew of countercultures perfectly. It was like I was reading something I was wanting to write while reading all these comments.

      I don’t want to be known as “gay”, I want to be known as a nerdy, goofy, intelligent, ya da ya da ya da, (insert career, hobbies etc)… oh who happens to be dating/married to so and so, or who happens to like guys. It should be an after thought when people describe me or talk about me.

      I’m not embarassed about being gay, but I don’t want to be treated better or worse for it, because I’m so many other things before I’m gay.

      So when I see overly effeminate, or conversely, bearish/leather, or just somehow ALL CONSUMED by their sexuality, it just makes me think that’s all there is to that person, their sexuality. I don’t at all feel attracted to a caricature of femininity or masculinity. I think what we all mean when we say we like masculine men, is we like NORMAL men, who don’t have to think of themselves as masculine, they just are whatever else they are and by happenstance they tend to be masculine…as men do when they aren’t uber focused on it…sorry I talked so much, you sound like a cool dude, may the force be with you on your own search for your person (I think people tend to forget just finding someone is kinda the long and the short of all this, they get pretty distracted by the fluff surrounding it).

  • Knight

    Hey, didn’t Graham JUST do an article on this citing a piece by a different author only this week? I guess he’s running out of ideas and saw how many comments that got and decided to do a double-header. Although this is basically the same drivel as the other piece, I will say that it is VERY telling that the London blogger says “The concept of masculinity, like most labels, is a bit of an outdated construct “. Well, in the UK it definitely is. Brits have spent the last 2 decades now deconstructing gender, to the point that civil servants no longer ask who your “husband” or “wife” is, or even your “spouse”. They use the very generic “partner”. Masculinity still exists, but the overwhelming majority of Brits are pussified…including the military (witness the behavior of the British sailors captured by the Iranians back in 2007). The result of this lack of masculinity in the UK has brought on too many social evils and negatives to mention here. One VERY blatant example was the Pakistani rape gangs that abused hundreds of underage girls throughout England, who were left unchecked by the police and local populace. Why? Because these gangs (who came from very “masculine” cultures) had absolutely nothing to fear, as no one would stand up to them; not the police, not the girls’ families…no one.

    Give me masculinity any day.

  • JJinAus

    As a 50+ bearish chub, I don’t expect everyone to find me attractive. C’est la vie. I have no hesitation in saying that girly guys do absolutely nothing for me. Neither do tatts, or man-buns, or vapid conversations. Don’t like it? Bite me. I am entitled to my preferences. So are you – just don’t force yours on me.

  • Emily Dickinson

    This isn’t a new phenomona. I wish the author would have looked at the rise of the clone in the 70s, punk in the 80s, etc. although I think that hook up apps force people to explain their red lines.

    Back before Grindr and scruff, New Year’s Eve was one of the funniest nights in New York. Those of us who were Club kids would be like who are all of these bros and geeks coming out to our gay bars? And is that what he calls dancing? It wasn’t the usual suspects of party monsters. And then, we were like oh, there are all of these other men who like men who aren’t into the scene that much, only shop at JC Penny’s. It’s hard not to laugh at the dichtomies.

    I don’t think the piece looked at the reverse side of the coin enough where gay men get shamed in gay spaces by other gay men for not being gay enough or getting their gay card revoked.

    I still vividly remember being 22 and wearing pleated slacks from Zara out at splash. And these two paul Taylor dancers came over to me and told me that those slacks were totally last season and how could I ever wear them in public. I was young and it did hurt. I never wore those slacks again.

    Then there is the obligatory gay pantheon of obscure TV and movie refercnes and if you haven’t seen this or that, it implies that you’re someohow not with it enough.

    There always haven been and there ways will be several different sub communities within the homosphere. And there always has been and always will be some friction. At times, it seems like we spend too much time stabbing each other in the back, when in some very concrete ways, the larger society is still against us and putting up a lot of obstacles.

    I’ve slept with men of every race and across the spectrum of masculinity and feminity. There are so many ways to be a gay man in New York City. I’m just trying to be a better version of myself, and trying to support other people in being better versions of themselves. I’ve never gone for a man I wasn’t into. I guess I just find variety to be the spice of life

  • Creamsicle

    This is a genuine part of the growing pains that come with increased equality (We still have a long way to go before the lgbt community is truly treated equally). Men and women who didn’t need to flee family persecution did not feel the need to immerse themselves in a monolithic gay culture.

    This conflict over specific gay identities is an indication that gay men (and gay women and gay trans men and women) now feel like they can live openly and without needing to flee to a gay ghetto and only have gay friends with only gay interests because the only bone we’re thrown are stories that we can project gayness onto.

    Now we are free to just be people, and that means we’re going to deal with real cultural diversity, because that cornfed Ohio boy on grindr didn’t feel the need to stop offloading; That cute black twink from the suburbs didn’t ever stop loving punk music; and that gym bro latino was never made to feel ashamed for loving Cabaret. Maybe we need to stop looking for fictitious caricatures of men to date and start treating the men we date and have sex with as people.

  • GentlemanCaller

    Well, hell, how about if we stop trying to force people to be attracted to people they aren’t attracted to? Celebrating diversity means celebrating differences, including different-attraction. I think it’s ridiculous to be shaming anyone for being what they are: “effeminate” or “masculine” (whatever tf that means), or not-attracted-to-effeminate or not-attracted-to-hypermasculine” or whatever. Everybody needs to lighten up.

    • Knight

      If Queerty “lightened up” they’d lose 3/4ths of their readership that needs something to get angry/hysterical at over the internet since they don’t have lives of their own.

  • surreal33

    Correction, what is outdated is the ad nauseam effort to promote feminine behavior as the norm for gay men. Movies, television, gay media all have the same narrative gay should aspire to be feminine.
    I AM CALLING BULLSHIT (I dare say I don’t think I am alone) on this misguided, false, limited, narrative.

    • Knight

      You are not alone ; )

  • JAW

    LOL… the title of the article says it all.

    Most Gay men do NOT have “Insecurities” about fem guys. We are just not attracted to you.
    Some Gay Men are… that is great.
    Other Gay Men are attracted to gym bunnies, others are not.
    Many young gay men would never even consider talking to a Bear, others love them.
    Same goes for Silver Daddies, goth kids, leather men and boys.
    The fem guys need to chill and not try to force others to like them. That is a big turn off.

    “I am what I am
    I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity
    I bang my own drum
    Some think it’s noise, I think it’s pretty
    And so what if I love each sparkle and each bangle
    Why not try to see things from a different angle
    Your life is a sham
    Till you can shout out
    I am what I am”

  • AdrianS

    “Gay men, it’s time to get over your insecurity issues with dating/having sex with those who you don’t want, otherwise you are a bigot and deserve the worst. You are not valid if you are not femme and femme-lover, blogger says”

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