It all started with an unwanted advance made at a bar.
It was closing time. Jeremy Alexander was heading for the exit when another guy grabbed him by the arm, pulled him towards him, and tried to plant a kiss on his lips. Jeremy pulled back and, he writes, “with no warning, he punches me twice to the face, calls me a faggot and runs out the front door.”
Related: Do Gay Men Have A Problem With Gender Roles? “I’m A Masc, Dom Top Who Needs To Be Held”
In a new op-ed titled Fellow Gay Men, Stop Glorifying Toxic Ideals Of Masculinity, Jeremy tackles the issue of overly aggressive gay men obsessed with dominance.
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“My theory is simple,” he writes. “These men want to overcompensate for their queerness, because on some level, they see their queerness as negative and that their sexual orientation makes them a ‘sissy’ by default.”
And so, Jeremy says, “they embrace ‘bro’ culture, work out, avoid smiling in photos, talk in a deeper voice octave and avoid talking with their hands or watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race.”
It’s Jeremy’s belief that many gay men still equate homosexuality with femininity and weakness, resulting in a primal need to dominate.
Related: Are You Finally Ready To Embrace The Idea Of ‘Inclusive Masculinity?’
“Rape culture isn’t isolated to the heterosexual community alone,” he says, “it invades even these queer spaces and imbues woman-hating behavior into queer men as well — something displayed day-to-day in the ever-growing ‘Masc4Masc’ culture of the gay community.”
He continues: “Strangely enough, being seen as ‘straight acting’ is something desired by a large demographic of gay men, hoping to embody these traits of the heterosexual male in their gay lifestyle.”
This is something Jeremy says he just does not understand.
“These traits breed only self-loathing within the community and effectively serve no functional purpose,” he writes. “Bottom line is this: gay men cannot make heteronormative values work. Sorry, guys, we already broke the rules when we started having sex with men.”
Related: Is Writing “Masc 4 Masc Only” In Your Online Profile Homophobic?
Jeremy concludes by saying that a dangerous “‘white bro’ frat movement” is sweeping across gay communities and it “isn’t working for me.”
“Frankly, the people who are trying to make it happen just end up looking stupid,” he says. “Maybe I’ll never understand what these men get out of self-regulating themselves into oblivion, and well, maybe I don’t really want to. Just please try to avoid punching me in the face next time, I’m all out of concealer.”
What do you think? Is there a “white bro” frat movement happening in the gay community that needs to be stopped? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…
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Heywood Jablowme
I read the link. (It doesn’t help much to read the link!) He’s extrapolating an awful lot of cultural stuff from ONE isolated drunken incident.
He knows nothing about his attacker at all. Maybe his attacker had never even been to gay bar before that night. I’d guess that’s a more likely explanation than some mysterious new gay “white bro’ frat” culture. The exact same incident could have happened in a gay bar in 1996, or 1986, or 1976 and it would have been just another fucked-up drunken closet case.
I was amused to see him write, “While I can’t speak for the entire gay community,” and then of course he proceeds to do exactly that at some length.
SonOfKings
One drunk nut assaulting you in a bar in not evidence of a movent of “white gay bro culture” that needs to be stopped. I see a few white gay bro-looking guys ar my gym here and there. Usually with the stupid backwards baseball caps on. Just another form of drag, has nothing to do with me. I don’t care.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
More anti-white gay male stuff?
smorgasbord
Yes, some gay men do have this an issue, although I’d argue that most would deny it immediately. It’s incredibly difficult to acknowledge within ourselves how we’ve been damaged by the norms of the hetero world. Yes, there might be some generalizations in the article, yet worth exploring. I’d recommend every gay men read “The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing up Gay in a Straight Man’s World” which further explores this and other topics related our experiences growing up as gay men. Rather than criticize the author, why can’t we rally around this young man? He’s clearly looking to connect with other gay men to help us better understand ourselves. Employing divisiveness isn’t the answer.
Josh447
Bottom line I think we are more tempermental these days due to the bloody fight for lgbt rights, and we’re much more touchy about things ingeneral. I don’t see what the writer is talking about, this hyper – masculine tipping of the scales. Tho i see irritation at why some people aren’t getting their needs met THE WAY THEY WANT, is a hot button that the writer may be party to. Also the lgbt judgement circuitry is out in full force due to religious superstition and voodoo quackery that most believe in to some degree. Live and let live is always a good motto.
Heywood Jablowme
@smorgasbord: But the author is explicitly denying any kind of “Velvet Rage” analysis. He essentially boils it down to (paraphrasing): *I’m a normal gay guy because I had a “supportive family.” So any gay guy who’s different than me must have had an unsupportive family.*
It always gets a little weird when a gay guy who just happened to have a “supportive family,” starts patting himself on the back for winning the lottery (so to speak). That leads to all kinds of reductionist thinking, unsupported by any evidence.
Frank
So this is when Queerty decides to showcase someone of color albeit only an arm when it is connected to something “negative” within the gay community…VERY TELLING INDEED
Deepdow
The blogger’s argument makes a lot of sense, to sane people.
Heywood Jablowme
@Deepdow: “Sane”? Wow, that’s not insulting at all. (eye roll)
By the blogger’s OWN logic, the attacker is off the hook since after all, he must have had an unsupportive family so he is just a victim of anti-gay society – poor thing!
That’s not sane.
For the sake of argument, let’s assume the attacker was NOT just a drunken closet case, and was indeed one of those “Masc4Masc” bro types. In that case why would he even try to kiss someone who didn’t fit the “Masc4Masc” cookie-cutter mold? The blogger has come up with an explanation that makes absolutely no sense. There is a much more obvious and likely explanation.
Black Pegasus
First of all, I don’t believe the story of him being punched and called a faggot. Online bloggers seems to have wild imaginations and a grand sense of importance. Aside from that, this topic of “Toxic Masculinity” and these new terms surrounding queerness has become quite nauseating to witness. Could it be thag Gay men are “MEN” just like straight men? And as such we are by default designed to sometimes display moments of aggressive behavior just like those um straight “MEN”.
That blogger is a bitter sissy who is jealous of the very thing he and other gay men desire. MASCULINE beautiful men… *kick rocks gurl*
Wilberforce
Sure gay men overcompensate by trying to be hyper masculine. And it is because they think being gay is wrong.
Although this incident is not credible, the evidence is everywhere: in the ads for bodies and looks over brains and emotional maturity, in the bars filled with clicks based on shallowness, in this blog filled with pictures of musclemen.
Danny279
lol! Masculinity is awesome and should be celebrated by all men – straight, gay or bi. Effeminacy is toxic. And “queerness” – a negatively constructed identity which purports to set oneself against the values and norms of one’s family, neighbors and society – is highly toxic. Self-identified “queers” have the among the worst mental and physical health outcomes in the developed world.
As for this Jeremy Alexander clown, all he is doing is trying to cope with his internalized shame arising from his effeminacy. Rather that confront the problem head-on, like a man, he prefers to shift blame to others – to other gays, to white people, and to “frat boys” – who are all in a conspiracy to pretend to be masculine and thus make him feel badly about himself. So pathetic.
ChrisK
@Danny279: People that lie to themselves and others around them by not living an authentic life are the ones that have the “worst mental and physical health outcomes”. Look at the Republican that just got caught sexting the teen. You call that healthy?
Study: Openly Gay Men Less Likely to Be Depressed Than Heterosexuals
http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2013/01/29/study-openly-gay-men-less-likely-to-be-depressed-than-heterosexuals
Realitycheck
And what did happen to celebrating the rich diversity of the LGBT community?
Nothing is more wrong then placing people in a faceless group with a big label on it.
The author needs to get a “real” reality check, because if he really thinks this way, I cannot even begin to imagine
what he thinks of racial diversity.
Realitycheck
I also have to wonder why the author would feel the need to associate masculinity with rape and aggression?
There are plenty of femminine aggressive/violent and vitriol loaded guys out there.
I suggest the author is simply trying to justify his misguided and one sided view on this subject.
RomanHans
> “Bottom line is this: gay men cannot
> make heteronormative values work.
> Sorry, guys, we already broke the rules
> when we started having sex with men.
Hmm. I’m trying to think how this piece could be more stupid but I’m coming up blank. We are men who like men, which to some of us means we like masculinity. If the author relegates masculinity to heterosexuality, he needs to stop writing and maybe take a logic course or eight.
Chris
I’ll own to seeing “queerness” in a negative light because I’m gay/bi, not queer. He lost me in his new age babble right when he used that term as in “who you talkin bout, Willis?”
MisterDemand
This argument shows up every few month on Querrty and I honestly think its sad and ridiculous. It always devolves to a “masc v fem” debate with the fems being protrayed as smug authentic gays with some monopoly on how “real” gay men should act and behave and masc men just being heteronormative or closet case shrillls who are desperate to sacrifice themseves to fit in. Why cant people just accept other gay men. If a gay man whats to be flamboyant, fem, watch Drag Race, and dress nice thats fine, if a gay man wants to work out, be masc, watch football, and date men would act similarly thats fine too. There no right way to be a gay man as long as you repectful of others.
theatasigma
What does that make me, I love hockey, cars, working on my cars, working around the house and video games. I am more comfortable with jeans and a tee-shirt, than dressing to the nines. I don’t watch Ru-Paul but I am friends with several drag queens and have fun hanging out with them. I also have a lot of effeminate men friends too, and they are fun as well. I like hanging out with all types as it is fun to see things from their view, as they always seem to see things just a bit differently. I know according to this person I am horrible as I am a masc guy and prefers masc guys to date. However I will not turn down someone who is not masc if we click. I guess I am just messed up…
Realitycheck
@RomanHans: Agreed the author needs to learn teh real meaning of homosexual: a man that loves men.
Nothing wrong with Gay Masculinity.
Danny279
@ChrisK: You are confusing “openly gay” with “queer.” They are 2 entirely different things. In fact, the latter is often in direct conflict with the former.
n900mixalot
Hold up … First it was about masculinity, then it turned into a race thing. These are two separate conversations that both need to be had, but one at a time. Without being able to define the boundaries of the discussion, this whole thing is a waste of time.
Are we talking about race, or are we talking about masculinity, perceived or otherwise?
This is what happens when you post drunk. Sober up and then rerelease the article.
Brian
There is no such thing as a homosexual. The word “homosexual” is an adjective. You cannot identify as an adjective.
One cannot therefore be a heterosexual or a bisexual, either.
Chris2016
I take it “straight acting” means masculine? Yes, people who are wired to like men, also wired towards being attracted to masculine traits – traits that are also mainly biological, just reeks of patriarchal heterosexist conspiracy. It’s not like straight men, and all male animals for that matter, also have a culture of masculinity, and a habit of making displays of it. Thank god we have gender studies professors to brainwash – in mean, make us “woke”, about the truth. What do biologists and experts in human psychology know?!
“Maybe I’ll never understand what these men get out of self-regulating themselves into oblivion”
Oh dear. Self-awareness is totally absent with this one.
PS: Every masculine Gay guy with six pack abs that I know, also love RuPaul’s Drag Race. Not that preference in TV shows is relevant to anything.
Jack Meoff
“they embrace ‘bro’ culture, work out, avoid smiling in photos, talk in a deeper voice octave and avoid talking with their hands or watching Ru Paul’s Drag Race.”
Why is that if a gay man does not display any of the stereotypical gay attributes as outlined by Jeremy Alexander then he is perceived to be putting on a straight act? Some of us are just being ourselves and not putting on an act of any kind. You can always tell when someone is putting on the act because it is inauthentic and comes off as cheesy.
Meanwhile why does JA have such a problem with it? Has he been rejected by ‘masc only’ types a few to many time?
inbama
@Brian:
Of course “homosexual” is a noun as well as an adjective – check your Oxford.
Also, homosexuality is not an “identity.” These days, it’s considered a biological trait, and how straight, gay or bi you are can all be measured through blood pressure, pulse and little sensors attached to the penis.
Brian
The word “homosexual” is an adjective, not a noun. If the Oxford dictionary considers it a noun, it indicates that the Oxford dictionary has succumbed to PC or populism.
“Homosexual” is the adjective, “homosexuality” is the noun.
Brian
@inbama: Blood pressure and penile sensors? Puh-lease.
Those techniques are used to measure responses to pornography. Pornography is not sexuality. Porn does not definitively correlate with the sexuality of the watcher.
Frank
I find it hilarious that SO many people despise Brian’s comments (as well as others) and yet constantly engage him here online instead of ignoring his comments all together….you do realize that YOU both are part of the problem…of course you but just like him you just can’t help yourself.
MCrisp
Sounds like the guy who punched him felt a little rejected, by a bitchy guy that he thought was attractive. A ton of men have fragile egos. I don’t think it’s that deep.
ChrisK
@Frank: I’ve been ignoring the Brian troll for years. Call it a Brian filter. It’s gone by many different names though. The only thing the troll cares about is getting a rise out of people. The newbies don’t get it and fall right into the trap.
Kim K Kute Kuchie
It’s much more toxic that lots of gays glorify the toxic ideals “gayness” by perpetuating femme guys
Brian
Masculinity is not automatically toxic. The idea that masculinity is automatically toxic was invented by feminists and their gay male enablers, usually very queeny men who deliberately feminize themselves to make themselves more similar to women and thus less “toxic” to their female friends.
Herman75
.
Xzamilloh
Toxic Masculinity…. Rape Culture…. Yeah, this is third wave feminist drivel
He BGB
I only clicked on this because of the photo of the flexing bicep.
jhon_siders
@theatasigma: Im in the same boat people have a hard time believing Im gay LOL I own a farm I hunt and fish and carry a gun and shoot with the Pink pistols I cannot stand the way about how 50% of gay people act don’t care for drag or flaming queens and clicks or little muscle boys That could not beat them selves out of a wet paper bag that are plastic and self centered ! Real down to earth gays are a rare thing
Chris
Dear lord…..I’m SO tired of basically apologizing for being masculine AND gay. I am ex-Army (5 years in a combat arms job), am very physical and lift weights 6-7 days a week. My partner has been told that I couldn’t possibly gay because I’m too masculine and “straight acting”. Just as fem guys want to be accepted for who they are I’m tired of apologizing for NOT being fem. I am a masculine guy who likes sports, physical activity, doesn’t float around in a dress, BUT still loves men. GET THE FUCK OVET IT. I’M VERY MASCULINE AND GAY!
ybgirp
Equality is given to everyone who is the same as those bestowing equality. Therefore, it is self defeating to identify as anything other than a human male. End of story. When “mainstream” humans hear of a specific group demanding rights they immediately think they want something they haven’t got and up go the barriers. The more splinter groups, the more threatened the majority feel. It’s not just gays any more, it’s LGBTI. That’s five groups, a bloody army of people trying to muscle in on their rights. Add mentally and physically disabled, ethnicity, and all the other groups people like to put themselves in, and it’s unsurprising the majority feel threatened.
But if we demand rights simple because we are human males, then they’ve nothing to fear. None of us are defined by our gender preference, so we shouldn’t allow others to do so for us.