Bush Sr. Would Rather Die Than Kiss Male Lips

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President George HW Bush collapsed yesterday, the apparent victim of the number one publicist endorsed ailment: dehydration. It sounds bad, sure, but his fainting spell’s hardly the worst of it. Daisy Nguyen of the AP helps explain:

“The next thing I know, I fainted,” Bush said, adding he wasn’t happy with what happened next.

“The ugliest part of what happened was that my (male) friend … gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation,” Bush said with a smile.

The crowd roared with laughter, prompting the 82-year-old to add “there were six beautiful girls there.”

He went on to add, “And that old cunt Barbara wasn’t one of them”. With that, Barbara appeared in burst of sulfur and brimstone, ripped the skin from her zombified face, pointed a gnarled finger and shrieked, “You’ll pay for that when I get you home…Oh yes, you will pay!” Bush Senior burst into tears and followed behind, head hung low. Even the secret service can’t stop Barbara. That bitch is bad fucking ass.