As a general rule of thumb, it’s usually best not to fornicate with your roommate, especially if that roommate is straight or closeted.
A gay man has just learned this lesson the hard way. After sleeping with his straight roommate a month ago, he says the guy’s been giving him the silent treatment, so he’s asking advice guru Rich Juzwiak over at Slate for help.
“I slept with my straight roommate when we were both drunk,” the man writes. “I am the only gay guy (seemingly!) in a shared house of five guys, and this was very much unplanned.”
The man goes on to say he was “totally fine” with the hookup, and the roommate seemed to be, too. But now, he says, “it’s clear he’s not.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
“A month later, I now hear him having loud sex with women regularly, which I definitely never heard before,” he writes. “He’s not hostile, but he won’t really look me in the eye either.”
“The other roommates have asked me if I’ve noticed him acting strangely. Is it wise to bring this up with him, or should I just let it go? Again, I know I am dumb.”
Honestly, given how easy it is to find sex these days thanks to hookup apps and social media, we have to agree and say this was pretty damn dumb.
But what’s done is done…
Rich’s advice: Relax.
“Stop beating yourself up,” he writes in his response to the man. “It’s not dumb to hook up with a self-identified straight guy; it’s hot. You (presumably) introduced him to the joys of gay sex, and he clearly wanted to learn sometime.”
He continues: “What was on the ‘dumb’ side (to use your word) was hooking up with a platonic roommate, as now you have to look at him not looking at you every day.”
“Like many of life’s pleasures, hooking up with a straight (or closeted) guy comes with a cost. The price you pay for hooking up with someone who is less than secure in his sexuality is the awkwardness that comes after.”
“Let him sort this out on his own,” Rich says, “or at most, let him make the first move.”
What do you think the guy should do? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…
Donston
I would rather this not turn into a debate about identity.
It’s obvious the roommate is feeling insecure. Just having a straight-forward, one-on-one conversation with him, letting him know that it wasn’t that big of deal but also really digging into each other’s orientations and sense of self would probably help a bit. Let him know that having some attractions or curiosities or experiences doesn’t mean that you have to alter your sense of self. But also, let him know that attractions and sex is not the be-all of everything. There are a decent amount of men who have inherently hetero-leaning sexual orientations but prefer persistent romantic and emotional and even sexual bonds and affections from the same gender and prefer to be in a relationship with someone of the same gender. He could be one of those types. Or he could be the opposite of that. Or it could have just been one drunken night.
Hooking up with a roommate, no matter their identity, is generally a bad idea. If they weren’t living together they could probably more easily move on. But also, hooking up with and especially trying to have a relationship with a male friend who doesn’t have unabashed same-sex general preferences and is definitely not looking to be romantically involved with a guy and have a relationship with a guy is typically a mistake for men who are very homo-romantic and looking for a same-sex relationship.
tjack47
I think when he sobered up, he felt his masculinity threatened, and he may have panicked. He may have feelings of shame and guilt. Depending on many variables in the setting in which he was raised, he may be having a more difficult time than others might. His loud sex with females is to prove something to himself and you. He can’t look you in the eye, because you’re a reminder of the sex and guilt and shame. Give him his space. He may or may not become more comfortable and at least make eye contact and small talk. This reminds me of sex with a coworker and the adage, “Don’t shit where you eat.” I know it’s hurtful but give yourself some time. It’s all going to be ok.
Donston
It’s kinda hard to give someone their space when they’re living with you, especially if everyone else is feeling weird energy and everyone is uncomfortable. And this sounds like something that has already been going on for quite some time. I think in this situation you need to confront it or very quickly try to find somewhere else to stay.
Palindrome
I remember an observation from a friend: “Straight men will do anything a gay man will do, just anything, with two exceptions. They won’t kiss, and they won’t talk about it in the morning.” I agree with what tjack47 says. The guy seems to be trying to prove that he’s not at all gay, and he may not be very much, but the very most I’d say to him might be something like, “is there anything we need to talk about?” and if he says “No,” I’d just leave it at that. If he’s trying to deny/forget (as if!) your episode, we may think that’s the wrong way to go about dealing with this, but it’s his choice.
Donston
That sort of line of thinking that “straight dudes don’t kiss guys” leads to some weird assumptions and stereotypes. Plenty of guys don’t mind kissing other dudes but aren’t into dudes. Plenty of gay identifying men kiss women, have attractions towards females, don’t mind hooking up with females. There are gay identifying men who don’t even like kissing all that much. It also leads to guys who are romantically homo-leaning and who only want to be with a guy thinking “as long as I don’t kiss him I’m still ‘straight”. Those type of arbitrary “rules” can be harmful.
GayEGO
It depends on the roommate’s ability to just get along, if he can’t because he is so embarrassed about his sexual encounter, one or the other should move to another place.
QueerTruth
Wait. This article is the abbreviated cliff notes of a Dear Abby article.
SERIOUSLY? Cut and paste… please. Do your own journalism.
surreal33
I take exception to “introduce him to the joys of gay sex” as it makes it seem like the gay guy manipulated the straight guy. Before a straight man ever has sex with guy he has contemplated it many times before actually doing the deed. Problems develop after said straight man busts a nut because then reality creeps into the equation. Straight men don’t want to deal with the baggage of being gay therefore, the roommate is constant reminder of everything straight man wants to forget.
ingyaom
What if he introduced him to the joys of French cooking? Would that be manipulative?
djmcgamester
The guy’s probably freaked out about his behavior. Probably questioning his sexual identity. He’s asserting his masculinity (as he sees it) by having loud sex with women.
Tarutaru
Give him time. Straight guys are from a different world where it can be expected that strings are usually attached and so they get cold to make sure no feelings develop, or when a straight guy gives in to his urges and lets another guy get him off they can freak out a little for enjoying it to much. Give him a couple weeks, don’t act weird about it and he will come around… probably to sleep with you again. Until he gets used to the idea.
No it does not mean they are gay, let’s avoid thinking in that direction. Having sex with and enjoying sex with men doesn’t make you gay or bi. I think it is the most natural aspect of sexual to be fluid. If you want to judge a person on their sexual identity look more towards be if they have romantic feelings for men or not. Otherwise I would like to see us live in a society where people are free to enjoy sex without it defining their identity.
Billy Budd
The roomate is PROBABLY bisexual. It is normal to experiment a lot when you are young. he may even prove to be straight. But his weird behavior shows that he is ashamed and possibly in denial.
RIGay
I wonder… I’ve had sex with women and (of course) with men. Between the two, I found the scent of male pheromones are just… incredibly stimulating – intoxicating. And (as my husband would attest), after a good romp, the heady aroma of man sweat, cum and anything else the activity generates just keeps perpetuating the need for more.
I say bring someone home and have loud, messy sex, too. Let your bedroom fill with all those wonderful, masculine scents, then just sit back and observe the roommate. I think the cold war will quickly end and he’ll suddenly be overly chatty to the point of having another drunken encounter.
DHT
I would probably just compliment him on his next girlfriend to let him know your not uncomfortable and that you are okay with his heterosexuality.
TrueBlueDem
I’ve been orally pleasing my str8 roommie for a while. Every once in a while. Not too many issues have come up, fortunately. But I know it won’t last forever….
Archibald Meatpants
Queerty please ban this idiot above me or are you profiting of there annoying comment to everything you put a story about
Luna1979
I have a theory: no dick has ever or will ever just “fall in”. We know what we want, and alcohol just makes it easier to go for it.
Turning a fantasy into reality could completely screw up your mind and cause an identity crisis… but it was still your fantasy. Hooking up with a straight guy, same thing.
Conclusion: one of them needs to move out.