“Why can’t you just pick one? It’s weird.”
“But you’re actually gay, right?”
“Only girls can be bisexual. When guys are bisexual, they’re really just gay.”
“You’ve been with both, right? Otherwise, how would you know?”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
These are just a few of the awkward questions and comments bisexual men hear on a regular basis. The good folks over at Buzzfeed have put together a laugh-out-loud funny new video called “17 Bisexual Guy Problems,” which features all the strange, embarrassing, and downright bizarro things people say to bi guys.
Check out the video below.
Related stories:
Straight Men Are A Lot More Bisexual Than You Might Think
Aromaeus
I wouldn’t say more problems exactly but there is definitely a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be bisexual and their is a lot of biphobia and bi erasure within the LGBT community and in media.
Ladbrook
I don’t have a problem with the concept of bisexuality as a legitimate orientation, but I HAVE HAD a problem with guys who use their bi status as an excuse to cheat (usually) on their wives with (usually) a gay guy. Bi is not a free-pass to scratch both sides of the itch. If you’re bi and you’re in a relationship with a woman, you don’t get to keep a secret piece of man-tail on the side, and vice versa. That’s cheating, and your behavior is just as shitty as the straight man who bangs his secretary while his wife is at the PTA meeting.
aliengod
No.
Cam
So lets see, they occasionally get awkward questions, but also have an opportunity to marry people of the opposite sex and avoid any of the pitfalls of being publicly LGBT.
Everybody gets awkward questions, not everybody has the chance to ditch their public status of a second class citizen publicly.
So it seems like worst case scenario they deal with what lesbians and gays go through, best case, they deal with none of it. I’m not sure how that translates to having it worse.
jheryn
Although I mostly identify as gay, I do enjoy having sex with women. I’m honestly attracted to them as I am with men even though I prefer men overall.
While sex is good with a woman, I hate being in a relationship with one. I have had two serious relationships with women and both drove me right back to men. Not a commentary on women, just my personal hang up.
I don’t think I have any more problems than a purely gay or straight man. Problems are problems no matter what your race, color, sexual orientation or anything else.
jason smeds
Women generally find male bisexuality threatening. It adds an angle to male sexuality that she can’t control. The other thing she can’t control regarding male sexuality is the power of the male sex drive itself. It is vastly stronger and more constant than the female sex drive.
The idea that women are more bisexual than men is pure garbage put out by the porn industry which rewards women for pretending to be bisexual.
Ladbrook
@jason smeds: No one cares what you think (a charitable word describing whatever it is your brain does when it’s not communicating with aliens, Jesus, or the neighbor’s lawnmower). Now go take your medication.
Saint Law
@jason smeds: “…the male sex drive…is vastly stronger and more constant than the female sex drive.”
What can this even mean coming from a flaccid little masturbator like yourself?
Paco
@jason smeds: “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
You have serious issues with women that is beyond creepy. I have encountered many more men than women that have had issues with man on man sex.
MMDD
@jheryn: Do you tell people you’re gay or do you identify yourself to others as bi?
jason smeds
I’m not saying that some women don’t tolerate male-male sexuality. Indeed, many do. But here’s the catch: they only tolerate it if it is segregated. It’s a phony tolerance based on segregation. It is not true tolerance or acceptance for that matter.
To measure a woman’s true attitude to male-male sexuality, you have to pose this question to her: would you accept a husband who has homosexual feelings? In many cases, the answer is “no”. Even if that husband were never to put his homosexual feelings into action, she would still want a divorce.
Ironically, the women’s rights movement has made it worse. It’s a movement based on “female empowerment”. This means that she should gain power over men. Male bisexuality means power over women, and therefore clashes with the women’s rights movement.
jheryn
@MMDD: Honestly, I mostly tell them what I told all of you. I say that I mostly see myself as gay, but enjoy sex with women too at times. Most of them will try to qualify me as bi and I don’t correct them because I can’t really say they are wrong. Mostly I just let it drop after that. I guess I am one of those that any labels we have don’t really fit.
MMDD
@jheryn: Thanks for responding. First of all, kudos to you for being honest. There are more than a few bi guys like yourself who, because they consider themselves “mostly gay,” will flat-out lie and tell people they’re gay when in reality they aren’t. That’s “bi erasure,” as far as I’m concerned. I don’t think you’re one of those persons that labels don’t fit; you’re a bisexual man who prefers relationships with men.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Yeah, yeah the social aspect; but the internal mental shit is much worse for some ( by no means all): Not fitting in…being considered not adequately gay or suitably hetero enough..not the “real deal” at either…a bad risk. And not even fitting in with other bi guys, because it’s such a broad concept (Bi-gay, bi-straight, pansexual, homoromantics, heteroromantics, biromantics et al; “str8” guys who “just like the dick and nothing else” ) All those Kinsey numbers all over the fucking scale so you have little in common with each other and absolutely no bi community. And those damn numbers can be sliding unstable fuckers..or more accurately attractions can come in and out of focus, foregrounded or backgrounded over time ;even disappearing for a while, so you can even feel a fucking fraud to yourself..constantly second guessing yourself..yes, even the dreaded term “confused” …because so denied this most basic understanding of oneself. It is possible to be a bi man in this society and not be fucked up but it takes heroic mental effort. They certainly exist. But they’re not the ones i’ve met.
Shit, that probably wasn’t very focused but imma send it anyway. Be kind :/
jheryn
@MMDD: Thanks for the feedback. It’s nice to get an objective opinion and one I can completely agree with. Sometimes you get wrapped up in your own thoughts and find out that an answer is much more simple than you thought it would be. Thanks again.
peregrinelikethefalcon
Figured I’d add my 2 cents on the issue and hopefully I don’t offend someones sensibilities as all i’m offering is my experience being Bisexual.
It took me many years to discern whether I was bisexual or if I was just Gay. If I had the choice I would choose to not identify with anything. As that is not often very practical in a dating and interactive sense. Bisexuality has been a topic that has offered more confusion then anything else. Ive been called greedy by straight men, and gay by gay men. I like to view it as an openess to fall in love with anyone. Most people tell me to just fall in love with a woman and life will be easier. While thats a socially easier reason, I have no control over whom I end up with. And I wouldn’t not marry a man just because I think it would be easier. For me Men and Women both provide different things for me emotionally and in doing so allows me to fulfill different roles.
The opinion of what bisexuality is doesn’t change how I feel about attractions to either sex, as I tend to see something beautiful in each gender. But I find that sometimes its easier to say im gay or straight and just leave it at that. Perhaps this is Bi-Erasure, however society has proven to not support sexual fluidity in a very open manner. I have found that there is not a lot of representation of the Bi-Community so it has been something I’ve had to really figure out myself. I do so alot in the music I right which people who listen to my music find I jump between singing about men or women, or the struggle between the both of them.
In short, Bisexuality can be more complicated since there is a very delicate balancing act of navigating the social dimensions of both genders rather then focusing on either one.
Other than that, i’, definitely open to discussion, although seeing that this is Queerty its more likely some random person will be insulted by my words and enter an argument. ho hum, yall have a great day. 🙂
Trippy
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: I agree with you. At least with gay men or lesbians or straight guys etc there is this one singular quality that more or less defines the group. Hence, gay bars, straight bars, etc. Bi is different. A friend of mine calls himself 80/20. He’s capable of love and sex with women but prefers men 80% of the time. I doubt he sees the world the same way as, say, a bi guy whose 15/85. I think we subconsciously force most bisexuals to “pick a hole” (as some comic once said) even though we verbalize just the opposite. I think most bisexual men keep it to themselves in a way that gays and straights rarely do.
MMDD
@jheryn: No problem. Sometimes I think we make things more complicated than they actually are.
Ruhlmann
I have always had a thing for women’s tits and men’s asses. I can’t go down on a guy but I’ll kiss, cuddle and screw him till we’re both blue in the face. I like to go down on a woman for hours and screw, kiss and cuddle her till we’re both blue in the face. I have always been completely honest with my lovers about myself.
I have lived with two men, one short term and one for ten years. I have lived with two women, one for two years and one for seven. The most important aspect of intimacy with anyone is the physicality of embrace and touch. I find it very difficult getting to sleep without someone in my arms and have never been threatened by whomever that may be, personally or socially.
Bisexuality in both sexes is not unusual in my extended family.
demented
@Cam:How about the problem of not having gay or straight people acknowledge that they have problems, or even that their sexuality is real? That is a problem in itself.
@Trippy: I know a girl whose ex-boyfriend calls himself gay, when he’s more like 95% attracted to men. He feels the pressure to call himself gay and considers most women uninterested in him, even though he sometimes encounters a woman he feels love and attraction to.
I wonder how many men, IDing as gay or straight, are like him.
Ladbrook
@Trippy: The man I’m dating identifies as “bi” but at 61, he’s not had sex with another woman since his late 20’s. He says he came out in college (hard to do back in the 70’s I would have thought) and then later fell for a girl who knew he was “gay/bi” and didn’t care. They were together for several years. He says he has no problem thinking about himself with women, he just never met another woman he wanted to be with. So… he’s bi. Well, according to his own definition he’s bi. Honestly, I don’t think it’s my place to judge.
I, however, am 100% homo. I’ve never even seen a naked woman up close, and I’d like to keep it that way.
jason smeds
You’ve got to remember that male bisexuality is a spectrum. One end of the bisexual spectrum (ie where men are almost completely attracted to women only) is extremely different from the opposite end of the bisexual spectrum (ie where men are almost completely attracted to men only).
You can’t say the same about the words “homosexual” or “heterosexual”. In other words, you can’t say there’s a homosexual spectrum or a heterosexual spectrum – there is no spectrum for these words.
Because there’s a spectrum for the word “bisexual” but not for the words “heterosexual” or “homosexual”, it’s incorrect to place an equal weight on each of these words. Therefore, it is incorrect to use the word “bisexual” to illustrate differences or similarities with the words “homosexual” or “heterosexual”. You just can’t do it.
MMDD
@Ruhlmann: Out of curiosity, what is it that keeps you from going down on a guy? Also, since you love men’s asses, do you rim them?
MMDD
@Ladbrook: I would say the man you’re dating is definitely bi. Attraction is what determines a person’s orientation, not whether or not they’re having sex (or have had sex) with a particular gender. I must say I have a hard time, though, understanding guys who have identified as gay but then, out of the blue, fall for that “one special girl.” That’s always left me scratching my head.
Ruhlmann
@MMDD: I tried going down on men when I was younger in a give as good as I get context but it wasn’t a natural desire or impulse for me. I’m not repulsed by it just not aroused by it. Rim? Don’t even try to stop me.
MMDD
@Ruhlmann: As much as you enjoy going down on women? Do you enjoy rimming them as well?
boring
Never felt like I had it worse for being bisexual.
I’ve felt like I’ve had it worse from both genders for being fucking ugly, though.
Saint Law
‘jason’s meds’ is the Unwanted Guy at the orgy, repeatedly circling the room and attempting to insert his nubbin in the scrum, only each time to be firmly repelled or negligently dismissed.
That’s what it looks like from here anyways. What does it feel like to be ‘you’, jim?
Ladbrook
@Saint Law: Ha! Have I ever told you that I love you?
vive
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: “…you have little in common with each other and absolutely no bi community.”
This problem is not specific to bi guys. There are also a huge number (possibly more now than in the last quarter of the 20th century) of shut-in gay guys who have no contact with any gay “community,” their only contact with other gay men being Grindr. They end up just as fucked up as the equally shut-in bi guys you describe.
Saint Law
@Ladbrook: Mutual, champ.
kissedy kiss
enlightenone
@peregrinelikethefalcon: “For me Men and Women both provide different things for me emotionally and in doing so allows me to fulfill different roles.”
Like???????
jason smeds
You’ve got to remember the golden rule of liberalism: female bisexuality is “hot”, male bisexuality is “not so hot”. If you’re a man who shows any – and I mean any – sign of homosexuality, you will be segregated so that straight guys and their bisexual female enablers don’t have to look at you. You will be banished as they smile at you.
This bisexual double standard is the enormous fault line which runs through liberalism, and which is now starting to crack apart. Brick by brick, stone by stone, the foundations of liberalism are heaving and cracking along with the fault line.
You can see this in the huge gains made by Republicans at the mid-term election, and it’s only going to get worse.
Dev.C
As a gay man I don’t see the injustice for bisexual men, considering that a lot of men and women before the gay revolution of the 70’s/80’s lived bisexual lifestyles. We now live in a time where people who are actually homosexual can be out and happy, while in the past people had homosexual sex but would never consider it anything more than an isolated experience. There is now a line in the sand between Homosexuals and Heterosexuals, which makes it tricky for Bisexuals to interact between those sides. Personally I never understood why bisexuals don’t seek out relationships with other bisexual spouses; that would make the explanation of attraction a lot easier for them.
A Bi- Community or the concern for a lack there of one is not a priority for gay people considering we have our own issues education or youth and fighting for rights that str8’s have and bisexuals could have.
Personally I’ve seen more gay men flocked to a guy who they believe is straight and make it their personal mission to seduce them, but the guy is typically bi-curious like a lot of people are and has particular desires they wish to explore.
I for one don’t see any issue for bisexuals they have had more exposure on television and literature than exclusively gay people and are desired by both ends of the sexual spectrum.
If Bisexuals want a more visible community than make one for themselves; don’t expect gays or straights to do for you.
stranded
Beyond the assumption that i’m a closet case, I don’t really encounter that much awkwardness.
Bauhaus
Bisexual guys usually have problems, if they aren’t completely honest with their partners. Isn’t that the case with all of us, gay or bi?
anonj
@Cam: I’d like to say that I have found I cannot come out to most friends and family for several reasons. Number one on the list is that they would ask the obvious questions posted in this article. Recently, I had a conversation with my work colleagues about bisexuality. They believed bisexual people shoudn’t have children because the child would be impacted and confused by their parents behaviour.
Another reason I can’t come out, even to many gay people, is that I am constantly having to insist I’m telling the truth about my sexuality. One gay man, to whom I refused sex, even accused me of lying because he had never seen me with another man. This despite the fact he tried to hook up with me on an LGBT forum once. I’ve expressed it this way before. We’re seen as the Coke Zero of the LGBT community in many ways. Still Coke, but not really. It’s the most frsutrating thing in the world not to be believed. Other people have that right just because they stick to one gender.
Lastly, it’s the way we’re treated as the source of pestilence by straight women sometimes. I’ve had dates on which I expressed sympathy for LGBT community. My date, usually a woman, will ask me whether I’ve ever thought I was gay and on expressing myself as bisexual I was told “Eurgh, to go from man to woman. That’s disgusting”.
Being told I have it easy because I might end up with someone of the opposite gender is as bad as the argument that says being gay is a choice. Because I can’t choose to fall in love with the opposite gender anyway. Love is love. I’m just done for either way because telling anyone I’m bisexual is a risk to any relationship prospects.
MMDD
Sad to hear you’ve had so many negative experiences. Honesty is crucial for any relationship to blossom. Have you considered trying to date only other bisexual people?