It’s only human for us of the homosexual persuasion to misconstrue friendly attention from straight guys as something more. But one gay guy has gone through that “straight guy crush song and dance,” and he’s offering words to the wise on Reddit. “Hopefully someone can find my experience useful,” he writes.
Related: Have you ever been in love with your straight best friend? These guys have.
In his post, the Redditor explains that he fell for a straight friend last summer and told him that he had caught feelings. “He politely said no,” he adds. “I instantly felt shame/guilt and tried to apologize. He never spoke to me again. I was a mental wreck.”
With that painful experience in hindsight, the Redditor offers three tips:
If they say [they’re] straight, take their word for it. Full stop.
If you’re seeing ‘signs’ or reading into their behavior, err on the side of caution. It’s probably just wishful thinking on your part.
Do what you need to to avoid escalating unhealthy feelings (e.g. distancing yourself, taking a break, develop strong boundaries, etc.).
“I’m not looking to shame or judge anyone — clearly I’ve been there — but I just hope that I can help spare someone putting themselves/someone else through this unnecessary mess,” he writes.
Related: Olly Alexander on falling for straight men, Grindr, and the possibility of being in a thruple
Other anecdotes from guys who have professed their love to their straight pals show that mileage may vary, but most don’t seem to work out. Proceed with caution, gents!
Whilst yes, mathematically speaking, the males we encounter and become attracted to will be straight (unless we isolate ourselves to them community’), I actually feel the Redditor’s post (if real) applies to all genders and sexualities.
I have had gay friends, become attracted to them, told them, they’re said no (fine), then stopped talking to me (not fine).
I know straight friends who have told their opposite sex friends that they’ve become attracted to them; that ‘friend’ has bailed.
Regardless of gender or sexuality, telling a friend that you’re attracted to them can seriously mess things up.
I’m not sure that the takeaway is to ‘say nothing’ because if you can’t be open and honest with your friends (for fear of being abandoned) then who can you be open with? Any friend who abandons you for you being (unwillingly) attracted to them is NOT worth your time.
I also don’t think ‘distancing’ yourself is a good idea. You shouldn’t need distance from your friend in order to be their friend.
Boundaries make sense I guess; but only ones such as ‘Don’t get changed together’ (for fear of becoming more attracted).
I’ve pulled it off.
My exboyfriend of a few years. I was his first gay lover, his only one, and after we broke up, he has gone back to dating girls.
Tightest, sweetest, most unspoiled hole I have ever enjoyed in my life though. Gives me goosebumps just to think about.
We just generally make too big of a deal of identity and “straightness”. You have the “never hit on or lust after ‘straight’ guys” whiners. And you have the faags who fetishize straight identities and bi behaviors, have homo/homo-leaning inferiority complexes and who constantly fantasize about “turning” a “straight” guy or at least a guy who’s mostly into females. Both of those groups are lame and misguided, especially the latter. If you fall for a friend and you’re sensing a genuine romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship vibe from them then there’s no problem with going for it. Just don’t be aggressive or desperate, and prepared for the fallout, no matter their identities or lifestyle. Personally, I have always quickly lost interests in guys who don’t have unabashed interests in guys, interests in me and have overall male ambitions. Therefore, I have never developed genuine, long-term feelings for my straight friends or even my “queer” male friends who overall prefer women and being in a relationship with a female. But maybe that’s just me.
Straight guys are friendly with other guys regardless of that guy’s orientation. They just see another buddy. But if that buddy is gay and the straight guy is good looking, then the gay guy will assume the straight guy is ‘into’ them. That’s a dangerous place to be. You have to look at it from his perspective. He’s enjoying his time with this guy that he sees as a friend, then that friend says, “I’m into you.” That’s gonna end that friendship right away. I’ve had girls come onto me and that’s shut me down when they’ve thrown themselves on me. Hell – even gay guys that do that. In those situations where you feel like the straight guy is into you. If that’s true, let the straight guy make the move. Trust me if a straight guys wants someone, they will have no will power to stop pursuing them. If they’re not pursuing you in that way, then take that as a clue that his interest in you is purely friend based. He sees you as a brother and a buddy, that’s what straight guys see in other men. They’re not thinking, “I want to bang you.”
My friend is currently in a long-term relationship with a “straight” guy he was friendly with. That guy later admitted that he wasn’t ever genuinely and completely heterosexual but rather “confused” and uncertain if wanted to truly be with a guy and love a guy. Almost none of these “straight” dudes who indulge legit and long-term homo relationships are ever genuinely hetero, even when you account for fluidity. Some aspects within the romantic, sexual, affection, relationship parts of their orientation were never entirely towards females. So, most of the time if a “straight” guy wants to genuinely be with you and love you, he’s a closet case or there’s money/status/desperation involved.
I can’t say that I’ve never hit on a “straight” dude. But if a dude is not showing me unabashed passions, affections, yearning, interests I can’t maintain any type of desire for him. You want to be with someone who really, truly and without shame wants to be with you and love you. All the other other options is misguided. And ultimately, no matter someone’s identity if a guy you’re friends with really wants you he’ll let you know.
Yes, we get too caught up in identity, and it’s not the be-all people present it as. And I do understand the “straight” guy thing as an instant fantasy and fetish. I play the scenario out with my husband here and there. The real question here is why so many “gay” men don’t want to be with a “gay” man? Why is the “turning a ‘straight’ guy” ambition so persistent and such an ego boost for many “queers”? Why is “straight” men and closet cases the ultimate prizes for some? And why is “queer” media so obsessed with “straight” men and men who don’t have unabashed passions, feelings, romantic ambitions towards guys?
Man About Town
As I understand it, this straight guy “politely” said no and then never spoke to him again?? Instead of being flattered and accepting his apology, he cuts him out of his life? Why would anyone want to be friends with such an asshole?
I would assume that the straight guy in question is projecting how he feels about women he is interested in – or that turn him down – onto the dude, and he is uncomfortable tasting his own medicine. Not that that’s an excuse.
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