Say it isn’t so! Are gay men prone to stay in unhealthy relationships out of a lack of options? Do we not even consider whether the grass is greener — because we think some grass is better than none? Welcome to one of the latest debates on Reddit’s /askgaybros forum.
User Abhorrent69 got the conversation started, wondering if we are more likely to settle for toxic partners because we’re still outnumbered by straight men — despite recent generational shifts — and our dating pool is thus smaller.
Related: This darkly comic Instagram of ‘honest couples’ is so truthful that it hurts
“It’s scary going into an unknown future when you know for certain that the amount of people you can date is so small!” he observes. “Do you guys think that we tend to stick to relationships or stay in bad ones longer than straight people because of this? Maybe this is a good thing because it makes us focus inward and work harder to fix relationships?”
How about we take this to the next level?
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Responses to his post, as you might imagine, varied wildly.
“I don’t know but I would assume we do,” one commenter wrote. “We really are a small percentage from the population.”
Another, however, replied to the question with a resounding absolutely not.“ Can you even imagine how many miserable straight people maintain their marriages/relationships for their kids?” he wrote.
One studious commenter quoted a thoroughly researched Psychology Today article about whether same-sex or heterosexual relationships are more stable. (We’re taking out the scholarly citations for readability, but rest assured, there are many.)
“Overall, same-sex couples reported shorter relationship lengths than different-sex couples,” report Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D., and Perrin Robinson, M.S. “And male same-sex couples experienced significantly higher rates of dissolution than female couples or different-sex couples. This is consistent with previous findings: Gay and bisexual men are exposed to minority stressors that can de-stabilize relationships. Where these men differ from women in female couples is in their engagement with protective factors: Many men do not emphasize emotional intimacy and minimization of boundaries to the extent that women do.”
Related: Why are good men so hard to find? Disgruntled 30-something guy wants to know
Back on the Reddit thread, another guy took a more universal stance. “All humans are limited by time, so some people stick it through because you don’t live forever and have time to constantly do trial and error.”
Overall, the consensus among the Redditors seems to be that all relationships are imperfect — i.e. they all require hard work — but when they go from challenging but worthwhile to downright toxic, it’s time to bail.
But enough with other people’s opinions — we want to know your take on this thorny topic! Hit up the comments with your observations and musings.
Wicked Dickie
There are people out there, gay or straight, who have a need to be in a relationship. They cannot fathom being alone (not lonely) so they go for anyone that gives them attention. For every toxic guy out there with a dick and ass, there’s another guy out there with loving dick and ass. Choose wisely.
twinkfan
I think that gay men have such narrow and unrealistic expectations for their relationships.
For example, I only date twinks, so I have a revolving door about every 2-3 years. Once a twink has aged out, I move onto the next. It is a totally shallow, and intrinsically unfulfilling on a long term basis. While, I know that it wont lend itself to a long term relationship, I think I can do it until I am 60 or 70.
My dad is 70, but looks like he is 45. A good mix of Native American, German, and Black make him (and by extension me) age to 26, and then stop aging for 20 years. This is great on one hand, but problematic as I am able to get boys nearly half my age who are genuinely interested.
Therefore, I have no reason to reflect on why I only date the stereotypical twinks, nor even contemplate change.
We are the authors of our own despair and loneliness, trying to perpetuate our own ideal relationship until it is too late to find a partner with whom to grow.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
If ya think ya still gonna get hot twinks at 70 without
pulling out your wallet on a regular basis ya better be prepared to go to the clue store and buy a bunch, cause it’s obvious ya don’t possess a single one….
Toofie
Exactly. Start saving your pennies!
Creamsicle
A reddit thread is newsworthy now? We’re doomed.
AllenSF
I came here to say the same thing, this is crazy an article was written here and passed off as news because of a Reddit thread, OMG!
Kangol
Queerty loves Reddit threads, along with Instagram feeds, or, to put it another way, the low-hanging fruit.
GayEGO
Love is what has kept my husband and I together for 56 years. We have had a few bumps over the years, but our relationship has been the most important to us as we are both retired and living the American dream.
Thad
I’m probably the toxic one in any relationship. You have been warned.
DHT
then I am sure I have probably dated you.
winemaker
I’d like to respond to a posting above about single guys looking for serious relationships: g-chanceonline.com is gay tryst. This is basically a hookup place plain and smple. I don’t want to disparge this site as it might be good for some guys but it’s main purpose isn’t for finding quality long term realationship it’s more like hookups. Who needs that, more unfulfilling encounters with men only out out for a good time and who lie about themselves, and what they look like, play games, kind ‘a like an on line version of San Francisco, Los Angeles and New York, rude flaky arrogant men who think their shit don’t stink, give attitude and play games if you’re not ‘God forbid’ their type. Hey been there, done that. What’s next?
barkomatic
It makes sense that gay people are having a harder time with relationships. It’s only been very recently that our relationships have been taken seriously in the U.S. and other Western countries so I imagine there is still a lot of baggage that people have.
If you were told your desires were perverted and wrong when you were younger and that there was no place in society for you then yeah, you’re gonna have relationship issues. Gay marriage was only a thing in the last 5 years.
I hope that once a generation is born into and fully matures in an accepting society that our relationships will stabilize. Even then, we are still newcomers in a sense and it make take awhile for gay couples to find the norms that make us happy. Those norms may be different than those of straight couples.
tham
I’m so sick of the words “toxic” and “privilege”.
And just because you add those words…doesn’t make it a “thing”.
Like “Toxic Jaywalking”. That’s when you want to turn on a street in your car, but there’s pedestrian with Their “walking privilege” taking their time…they know you’re trying to turn…
Or “Toxic parking”. That’s when you’re waiting for someone to pull out of parking spot…and they’re just taking their time…checking themselves in the mirror…checking their phone. They know you’re waiting…
radiooutmike
I can’t accept the premise. I think there’s a great homogenation in the distribution of good guys/gals and jerks amongst various societal groups.
This would mean that we have more than our normal bell curve distribution.