SHH

Guys Share What It’s Like To Be Gay And Asexual

josh-coty-asexual

Asexuals the world over say they want to be noticed as well. They are demanding greater visibility, saying they want asexuality to be recognized as an official sexual orientation by the government, the National Post reports.

In a new review published by the University of British Columbia, Canadian sex academics are insisting that asexuality isn’t some bizarre form of “psychopathology” or the result an extremely low libido as famously diagnosed by zoologist and sex researcher Alfred Kinsey in the 1940s. Instead, they say, “we surmise that the available evidence points to asexuality being best conceptualized as a unique sexual orientation.”

Related: What’s It Like To Be Gay And Asexual In A Sex-Crazed World?

To complicate matters even more, lots of guys identify as both gay and asexual.

Here’s what some of them have to say on Whisper:

Being gay and asexual is really weird because everyone stereotypes gay guys as sex maniacs and like, no

I'm gay, asexual, and I let my boyfriend sleep with other men. It's only sex. Our connection is way beyond that

I'm asexual and gay. Surprisingly I've found that the guys I'm interested in don't seem to mind...

Being gay and asexual is quite a drag. I literally had up to 4 opportunities to end up in a relationship but the guys always end up leaving cuz I can't satisfy their needs. ð???

Is it possible to be gay and asexual at the same time? I like guys, but have little desire to have any kind of sex

I am asexual and in love. It is possible and I'm so happy my boyfriend doesn't pressure me for sex. (We're gay)

It's hard to be gay and asexual. I don't think there are any gay guys who aren't interested in having sex every hour.

I don't mind long distance relationships considering I'm Asexual and gay.

Being asexual and gay is hard. I'm 19 and I've never been in a relationship because guys my age just wanna have sex. A relationship is way more than just sex. *cries*

I'm basically a gay, asexual. I am sexually attracted by a mans body but that's it. Not his part...

I'm a gay, asexual guy and I would love to be in a real relationship one day. I hope I can find someone who understands me

being gay and asexual in a world where everyone just wants sex..sucks figuratively

I get more hate for being asexual than I ever did for being gay

I'm in my 20s, gay, and asexual. I deal with all kinds of questions. My life is no one's business but mine!

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75 Comments

  • ChrisK

    When I was in my early twenties I could’ve called myself asexual too. The definition is 100% about youth and immaturity. Many of us had pretty fucked up ideas at that age in life. Yeah, you can be gay and asexual but something fucked up in your brain is stopping you. Lets not explore that though. Better just to walk away. Lol

    • max_isenberg

      you are 100% wrong. aces can want, like, and have sex just as much if not more than allosexuals (non aces). sexual orientation is solely about sexual attraction or lack thereof. is has absolutely nothing to do with actually having sex since that is a choice. you may want to educate yourself properly before pretending to know anything about sexuality or mental health

  • crowebobby

    In my 80 years of life, I’ve only heard two guys (both straight) say “Ya, sex is good, but there are so many other interesting things to do.” (Not verbatim, of course.) The unspoken pressure for guys to be horny 24/7 is so universal no one even thinks about it.

  • FlyBy

    @ChrisK: “Something fucked up in your brain . . .” Sounds like a comment you would find on a right wing screech sheet. What next . . . conversion therapy of 24/7 porn and fapping? :-p

  • ChrisK

    @FlyBy: Yeah, and you’re probably comfortable with the ex-gays logic too. Most of the time it’s religion that’s fucking them up. The other is just guilt or general anxiety. Of coarse it always comes from the same type as I said.

    Btw Most aren’t truly asexual. You can’t beat off all the time fantasizing to sex with hot guys and still call yourself an asexual. Asexual means you’re not attracted to it in any way. If I call myself gay that means I’m at least attracted to it.

    a·sex·u·al
    ??sekSH(?w)?l/
    adjective
    1.
    without sexual feelings or associations.

    a person who has no sexual feelings or desires.

    • max_isenberg

      sexual “feelings” is a vague term that doesn’t describe anything. there are plenty of sexually related “feelings” aces can have. and we can in face feel desire. that is not the same as attraction. this definition you’ve provided is incorrect… sad that you feel the need to respond on every post criticizing those who are more knowledgable than you are. maybe if you actually listened to what they’d have to say you’d learn something.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    Asexuals can go fuck themselves. oh wait, they wouldn’t be into that. lol

    • max_isenberg

      actually, many are. sex has nothing to do with sexual orientation. aces can have, want, and like sex just as much as anyone else

  • Violent Rainbow

    Gay is a sexuality, it’s not fucking possible to be both gay and asexual that’s like saying I like apples but I don’t like apples it’s literally that nonsensical. If you’re asexual you have no sexuality at all, you’re not attracted to anyone or anything and it’s extremely rare it’s not just something that suddenly happens and then suddenly stops.

    • max_isenberg

      actually, it is 100% possible. sex and romance are two separate forms of orientation that are not related and occur independently of one another. orientation is based on either sexual or romantic attraction. many people are unaware of that because it happens at the same time for the same gender or person but when someone says they are gay, straight, bi, etc. they are not inherently talking in terms of sexuality. he IS both. when he says is is gay he is referring to his romantic orientation, while his asexuality refers to sexual orientation. in short, he is romantically attracted only to men, despite not being sexuality attracted to anyone. asexuality is a REAL sexual orientation, NOT a lack of one.

  • Frank

    These people do not know the meaning of “asexual:..

    An asexual person (“ace”, for short) is simply someone who does not experience sexual attraction. This person is without sexual feelings or associations. Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity. It may be considered the lack of a sexual orientation, or one of the variations thereof, alongside heterosexuality, homosexuality and bisexuality.

    Many of them think it means abstinence…

    Therefore if you know that you are gay then you can not be asexual because you have classified and/or determined your sexuality

    But carry on…fuck or not, suck or not, look or not, jerk off or not…

    I am a proud homosexual that fucked my husband Friday night, Saturday morning we took turns fucking each other and I am going to get fucked in a few hours…

  • ChrisK

    @Frank: The only one I’ll defend is the first guy in the plaid shirt. That’s pretty much my idea of asexual.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @Frank: “Therefore if you know that you are gay then you can not be asexual”

    So, Frank, the only feelings you have for your husband are sexual ones? Why are you even married?

  • FlyBy

    @ChrisK: Many asexual people experience attraction, but feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. For some, sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal.

    The ignorance in this thread is astounding. Like listening to a bunch of blathering Trump supporters. Heaven offend that we try to understand rather than attack what we don’t understand or accept.

  • ChrisK

    @Kevin Wotipka: @FlyBy: You guys can live in your make believe rules but for the rest of us reality is preferred.

    Clearly you can be partnered to someone and only have feelings for them. I know many of them. Of coarse they’re getting it somewhere else and thus still gay. If you were to take these guys by their words then their definitely not gay, straight, or bi which is about sexual attraction. You know. Reality.

    Reminds me of the movie Pat.

  • ChrisK

    @FlyBy: You remind me of the Ex gay guys. Not going to get into it but we all know that same crazy psychology.

  • Silabus

    I gotta say I’m with @ChrisK. I don’t think these guys know what being asexual means. We live in this crazy weird time where people feel the need to categorize everything about themselves. Identity politics. I mean that’s also what you guys do when you argue with each other. You call each other right-wing Republicans or Ex gay guys or whatever identity seems negative. These kids are caught up in that same kind of thing.

    • max_isenberg

      they are not caught up in anything. all sexualities, genders and romantic orientations have existed forever. it is only in recent years that the names for these feelings have been created since people are becoming more educated, open minded and with technology, more info has become available. labels are neither good nor bad it simply depends how they are used. that being said. this is a real orientation and just because it is new to you or does not conform to your upbringing that reinforces negative social constructs of a binary does not make it wrong. it is you who does not know what asexual means. or the definition of sexual orientation in general for that matter

  • Frank

    @Kevin Wotipka: No but alas if you are with someone you are attracted to them and therefore it causes your sexuality to blossom thereby negating the notion of asexuality…this idea that you are NEUTRAL is utter bullshit and/or extremely rare…

    To answer your question because you really want to know about a stranger that has no bearing on your life: I have a rich relationship that encompasses many aspects of 19 years with my husband and sex is one aspect of it….because I know that I am SEXUALLY attracted to him and vice/versa…hence I am a gay man and so is he

    99%of these Whisper comments are UTTER and total BULLSHIT…nothing more than someone expressing their wishful thinking and grandiose diatribes of constructed NONSENSE on the Internet…hooray for the more BULLSHIT on the internet…if only we could plant seeds and water it..the Earth would never run out greenery

    BTW: We both had a GOOD FUCK….

    • max_isenberg

      frank, you should properly educate yourself before you even pretend to know what youre talking about as all you are demonstrating is your own biggotry and discrimination. 1 there are many forms of attraction so yes, you can be attracted to someone without the attraction being sexual. the idea that attraction means only romance and that romance must include sex is a social construct. 2 sex and romance have nothing to do with one another. romance is a separate orientation. love can exists without sex. 3. aces can have, want, and like sex just as much, if not more than an allosexual (non ace). sexual orientation is about sexual attraction and has absolutely nothing to do with actually having sex since that is a choice and im sure you know you don’t pick your sexuality. you can sleep with a woman and enjoy it while still being gay if you are only sexually attracted to a man. 4. just because you saw it first on the internet doen’t mean it is’t valid. the medium in which a message is being communicated does not lessen the message itself. 5. HOW DARE YOU. as a gay man yourself you are probably all too familiar with getting discriminated against just for being yourself. you have no right to demand or fight for equality and acceptane when you show that same discrimination on someone else purely because you don’t understand them. you are no different than a homophobe. FYI there are 2 “A’s” in the lgbtqA+ acrynom, neither of which stand for ally. one does in fact stand for asexuality.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    @Violent Rainbow: “it’s not fucking possible to be both gay and asexual that’s like saying I like apples but I don’t like apples it’s literally that nonsensical.”

    It seems to be more, they like the concept of apples, they like looking at apples, but they don’t like eating apples!

    • max_isenberg

      actually, it is 100% possible. sex and romance are two separate forms of orientation that are not related and occur independently of one another. orientation is based on either sexual or romantic attraction. many people are unaware of that because it happens at the same time for the same gender or person but when someone says they are gay, straight, bi, etc. they are not inherently talking in terms of sexuality. he IS both. when he says is is gay he is referring to his romantic orientation, while his asexuality refers to sexual orientation. in short, he is romantically attracted only to men, despite not being sexuality attracted to anyone. asexuality is a REAL sexual orientation, NOT a lack of one.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @Frank: “this idea that you are NEUTRAL is utter bullshit and/or extremely rare…”

    Done a scientific survey, have you? Personally I’ve always believed being gay is about knowing your significant other is a man; whether or not the relationship is sexual should be secondary. Do you believe asexuals aren’t really interested in finding a “significant other”?

  • Frank

    @Kevin Wotipka: I believe that I do not care that much as that is their life and their puzzle to figure out…to ask and expect anything more is a try to solve a puzzle that constantly shifts and changes shapes…i am NOT invested in their lives as my life is going on and my husband is a part of it whether thru sex, reading together, walking together, discussing topics together, or just plain sleeping together…

    You have a nice night Kevin and remember to define YOUR life on YOUR terms and live it on YOUR own terms…if someone comes along that wants to participate with you based on what you both decide…HOORAY!!!!

  • Danny279

    I am no expert, but my understanding is that “asexual” today has a broader meaning, so that it is possible to be both gay and asexual. The idea is that you might experience attraction to people of the same sex, but you have no desire to act on that attraction, i.e., no desire to actually have sex with the object of your attraction. An imperfect analogy might be a voyeur, who is attracted to women and enjoys looking at them, but is turned off at the thought of having sex with them.

    In any event, having no sexual partners, while not ideal, is vastly superior to long-term promiscuity, which results in scores or hundreds or even thousands of anonymous sex partners. Asexuality never killed anyone, but institutionalized, long-term promiscuity has an ocean of blood on its hands.

    • max_isenberg

      actually, aces can feel desire. it is attraction we lack. we can still have, want, and like sex

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @Frank: “i am NOT invested in their lives”

    Well, invest yourself. Get to know them. You may learn something. :)

  • ChrisK

    @Danny279:”In any event, having no sexual partners, while not ideal, is vastly superior to long-term promiscuity”

    You do realize that you’re bringing up an entirely different subject right? I didn’t any arguments for that.

  • ChrisK

    @Kevin Wotipka: Notice that there are no 40 something asexuals complaining about not being accepted. Wonder why that is?

  • FlyBy

    @Heywood Jablowme: From the asexuality dot org website: There is an important distinction between sexual and asexual people when it comes to masturbation [arousal]: while some asexuals don’t think about anything specifically sexual during masturbation, if they do think about other people or view pornography, these interpersonal interactions are only fantasy. If an asexual were actually given the opportunity to be sexual with the fantasized person(s), there would be no sexual attraction, or the attraction would be so low as to be completely ignorable.

    So yes it is possible to be turned on by fantasizing about an object/act, while not wanting to do it in reality. Or as a past acquiantance once shared. “I really get turned on when I watch a guy rimming another, but actually doing it would be like licking out the inside of a sewer pipe.” To each their own.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @ChrisK: “Notice that there are no 40 something asexuals complaining about not being accepted. Wonder why that is?”

    When you find a way to prove that, do get back to me ~^

    • max_isenberg

      age has nothing to do with sexuality

  • Daniel-Reader

    Have to go with ChrisK on this one. It is a contradiction. Having low T or being scared of sex or being shy or being self-loathing or being celibate as a gay guy is not the same as having no attraction whatsoever. Attention seeking appears to be the case.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @Daniel-Reader: “Having low T or being scared of sex or being shy or being self-loathing or being celibate as a gay guy is not the same as having no attraction whatsoever.”

    Admittedly, that’s correct, However it does in no way negate the existence of asexual people.

  • 1life2liv3

    Hey, guys! Guess what?! I am gay and asexual. I haven’t had sex with a guy since 2008 and I am only 34 years old. I am just so happy I found this article to know that I am not totally alone in the world. It’s okay if some of you don’t understand why some of us are just not interested in pursuing sex with other men. I mean, think about it. Most straight people around the world will NEVER understand why some men just like to have sex with other men. It goes AGAINST their tradition and belief and science and religion, etc. You guys will dare to judge us and never think that there might a reason for this, such as:

    1. Sometimes we just have better things to do than to chase for the mighty D. 2. Some of us just feel that sex is just too nasty and messy. 3. Some of us might have highly addictive personality and will not risk their lives to be a sex addicted and others things like drugs alcohol just to name a few. 4. Some of us are just too busy to find time for sex. 5. Some of us are victims of sexual violence or rape with people who are supposed to be trusted and just lost interest in sex after that. 6. Some of us just like to live the most virtuous life possible like normal celibate people, monks, nuns and priests. You can laugh at us, mock at us and tell us we are missing out on good, earthshattering sex. Nah, we are perfectly content with the way we live our lives on our terms. It is possible to be just content with life without sex that it has nothing to do with you horny guys, so don’t take it so personally if we reject the idea that we as all gay men are supposed to be sluts by nature, or even rejecting YOU. I’ve actually had two different gay guys who blew up at me at a party twice in front of everyone because I rejected their sexual advances. One of them whom I did really liked him as a person but he ruined that because he was only interested to rush things by getting me to move to some dark, sleazy alley behind the houseparty just so he can suck my dick while the party is raging on. Weak, but whatever.

    I also don’t tell people in real life that I am gay AND asexual except people who are the closest to me who know because it would confused the fuck outta of them so most people just know I am just gay and that is it. I wouldn’t be surprised that they all probably assumed I am always looking to have sex or having tons of sex with different men behind the closed bedroom door every night. They just don’t ask for more beyond details about sex and so we just don’t tell. #dontaskdonttell LOL

    As for me being gay. I mean, I think we can all appreciate the presences of attractive people. It doesn’t mean you want to have sex with them all. Just like gay men who can find some women beautiful and ultimate sexy but it doesn’t mean they don’t want to have sex with them. Do you? It’s the same concept for some straight men who might find some other men totally handsome or sexy but they would never want to suck their dicks or be buttfucked by them either. I am pretty sure there are some lesbians who can find some men sexy but it doesn’t mean they want to have sex with them. Well… maybe trying to have a baby in an old fashioned way. I have a good lesbian friend who do think I have a real sexy personality and I took good care of my body and that, according to her, is a real shame that I don’t have anyone in my life yet. Well, I am just a good friend who would go out of his way for his good friends and that is enough sexy itself for some people who can appreciate my good friendship and I want to live a long, happy and healthy life. Hence taking care of my body and having a “sexy” personality.

    This is my first time posting my comments, so heyyy guys! I’ve been lurking to this site for a while because it has some eye-rolling worthy articles and a few chuckles at best. ??

  • FlyBy

    @1life2liv3: Awesome response. Always amazes me how those in the LGBTQ community can adversley judge others for being “unique” in the expression of another’s sexuality – even if it’s by not participating in sex.

  • ChrisK

    @1life2liv3: So in other words, according to you or the people that you know it is about being fucked up or a mental health issue. 6 reasons and none of them sound too healthy to me.

    Yes. I find some women absolutely beautiful but it doesn’t mean I’m straight either. If I wanted to fuck one then yes I’d either be bi or straight.

    The fact that you’re in the closet is no surprise either.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @ChrisK: “The fact that you’re in the closet is no surprise either.”

    You don’t know that he’s in the closet.

  • rhino79

    What a joke! No one is “asexual”! Unless you have been castrated and lobotomized, you are a sexual being. If you make a conscious decision to abstain from sex, you are sex-abstaining, not asexual.

    • max_isenberg

      aces can still have, want and like sex. sexual orientation has absolutely nothing to do with having sex. it is only about sexual attraction or lack there of. besides, sex is NOT a universal like want or need. you can be a porn star and be asexual just like you can practice celibacy but be allosexual (non ace). you clearly don’t know how sexuality or mental health work to imply that. and when you say everyone is a sexual being, the term “sexual” on its own is a fuffix that doesn’t mean anything when not applied to a prefix. aces might dress or act in a way that turns someone one, that could be considered sexual. just like aces can be really kinky which might also be taken to mean sexual. you may want to make sure you know what you are talking about befre you go on hating

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @rhino79: “No one is “asexual”!

    And you know this how?

  • rhino79

    We cannot start inventing new categories of persons and changing the definitions of commonly used words for the sake of a few neurotics. Someone defined “asexual” above as this: “Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity.” Sorry, but that doesn’t make you “asexual.” That makes you repressed. The complete lack of any psychological insight or self-awareness is astounding.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @rhino79: Why are you trying to disallow asexuality? Does it make you feel uncomfortable or threatened somehow?

  • rhino79

    @Kevin Wotipka: No, Kevin. It doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable or threatened, much as I am not uncomfortable with Catholic nuns or Buddhist nuns. What it does make me feel is disappointed by how ignorant these people are of the basic facts of psychology and human sexuality.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @rhino79: “Basic facts”? Or your idea of it? I’m glad I don’t have to convince you I’m gay; I’ve a feeling I wouldn’t fit your concept and you wouldn’t believe me. Both those fields you mention are long on theories and kind of skinny on hard and fast rules. So I don’t think “basic facts” really play a part here.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @rhino79: What “basic facts” did you have in mind, anyway?

  • rhino79

    @Kevin Wotipka: I would suggest you step away from your computer and pick up a book. Perhaps something by Plato, Freud, or John Money.

  • ErikO

    You can’t be gay or any other sexual orientation, and asexual. If you are gay then you’re sexually attracted only to the same sex/gender and not asexual, but the same goes for how if you’re bisexual you are sexually attracted to both genders/sexes, and if you’re hetero you are only sexually attracted to the opposite sex/gender.

    • max_isenberg

      actually, it is 100% possible. sex and romance are two separate forms of orientation that are not related and occur independently of one another. orientation is based on either sexual or romantic attraction. many people are unaware of that because it happens at the same time for the same gender or person but when someone says they are gay, straight, bi, etc. they are not inherently talking in terms of sexuality. he IS both. when he says is is gay he is referring to his romantic orientation, while his asexuality refers to sexual orientation. in short, he is romantically attracted only to men, despite not being sexuality attracted to anyone. asexuality is a REAL sexual orientation, NOT a lack of one.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @ErikO: “You can’t be gay or any other sexual orientation, and asexual.”

    Being gay isn’t just about sex. I don’t care HOW many religious fundamentalists say it, it’s not just about the sex.

  • Brian

    I have been asexual in my behavior for almost 4 years. It’s a choice I made. Obviously I still have sexual feelings but I choose not to act on them.

    As a rule, men are very sexual in their inner thoughts and feelings. They can choose to act on them or they can choose not to act on them. For almost 4 years, I have chosen not to act on them.

    Women are mostly asexual in thought and feeling but are rewarded if they pretend to be sexual. This is why there are enormous industries based around female prostitution where unaroused women surrender their bodies to men in exchange for cash.

    • max_isenberg

      with all due respect, you make several inaccurate statements here. your first sentence alone proves you are not asexual. sexual orientation is only about sexual attraction or lack there of. you admitted to having sexual feelings (which despite being a vague term people who don’t know the sexual definitions tend to use “feelings” in place of “attraction”) making you allosexual (non asexual). aces can have, want, and like sex since having sex has nothing to do with ones orientation. you not having sex doesn’t mean you were asexual. if you willingly chose not to engage it means you were practicing celebacy. also your comment about how you think men and women percieve sex is completely false and an incredibly dangerous stereotype of double standards but that is a different issue…

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @ChrisK: “I also don’t tell people in real life that I am gay”

    Sorry to hear that. Coming out of the closet is a liberating experience. I hope someday you feel comfortable enough to experience it yourself.

  • Kevin Wotipka

    @ChrisK: Ah, I see. My bad :D Didn’t feel like reading the whole thing.

  • rhino79

    I’m gay and a-hungry. I haven’t had an appetite for a few years now. Some people think it’s weird that I don’t eat. When I go to restaurants with friends, I feel them judging me for not ordering anything. I feel so alone in this food-obsessed world.*cries*

    • max_isenberg

      aces can still have, want, and like sex. none of those things have anything to do with ones sexual orientation. and yeah, aces do feel alientated because sexual attraction is the one thing literally every other sexuality has in common. they are the least understood minority and therefore the most discriminated against even among the lgbtqa+ community. sex is used from everything to sell cars to beign forced in moveis where it doesn’t belong. we have been socially conditioned to believe that it is a universal like, want, and need and that anyone who doesn’t agree must be fundementally broken as the result of physical or mental trauma. people correctively rape aces by trying to fix what isn’t broken or rationalize asexuality in a harmful way since they are unable to relate of even grasp a concept that contradicts their belief system

  • Heywood Jablowme

    @ChrisK: “Notice that there are no 40 something asexuals complaining about not being accepted. Wonder why that is?”

    There have probably always been asexuals, AND there is something to what you say. When it gets talked about more, there is a “bandwagon effect.” Twenty or 30 years ago there wasn’t talk about say, ADHD or even peanut allergies. Nowadays every overprotective mommy imagines a peanut allergy and the whole world (or at least the whole damn airplane) must hear about it. But that does NOT mean real peanut allergies don’t exist.

    You also made a snarky comment about the poor guy “in the plaid shirt”: well, um, again there’s something to what you say. Conventionally unattractive people might find refuge in the asexual label, when that just wasn’t an option in earlier times. Again that doesn’t mean real asexuality doesn’t exist.

    And I notice “Brian” has totally confused asexuality with celibacy (this surely surprises no one, lol). Again this fits a pattern: he is so freaked out by promiscuity – his fear/obsession – he retreats into what he mistakenly calls “asexuality.” Again, doesn’t mean real asexuality doesn’t exist.

  • Hussain-TheCanadian

    So to my asexual brothers, do you get sexualy aroused? In other words, do you get a boner throughout the day? Do you have sexual fantasies?

    • max_isenberg

      the only thing that dictates ones sexual orientation is sexual attraction or lack thereof. literally all other aspects regarding sex culture is a personal preference. so yes aces can get aroused and fantasize, but not all aces do so. it is entirely dependant on the person. also people get erections randomly as a result of blood flow circulating so even that doesn’t necessarily have to be related to anything sexual

  • Daniel-Reader

    Asexual vs. abstinent/celibate. Reading the article and posts people are clearly confusing these two things. Many have no idea what asexual actually means. Saying you’re an asexual gay is exactly like saying a person is a little bit pregnant.

  • ErikO

    @Kevin Wotipka: Yeah it is, if you are gay you are sexually attracted to the same gender/sex only, and if you are asexual you are not sexually attracted to anyone even if you do happen to fall in love with them or have before.

  • kille310

    @Daniel-Reader: Exactly. Celibacy always existed. It a personal decision, nothing more. The fact the not one in this tread can define what an assexual is, is prof that its just a “buzz word” that ppl choose to identify in todays world off identity politics.

    • max_isenberg

      asexuality and celibacy are two completely separate things. the latter is a choice. the former is a fundamental part of ones self. sexual orientation is based only on sexual attraction or lack there of. it has nothing to do with having sex since that is a choice and you don’t choose sexuality. therefore asexuality means o not feel sexual attraction to anyone of any gender. we can still like, want, and have sex. celibacy on the other hand is a conscious and willing choice to abstain from sex, even if you are sexually attracted to people. asexuality is about feelings, celibacy is about behavior. you ARE (insert sexuality here) you CHOOSE to practise celibacy. an asexual can still practise celibacy just like a porn star can be asexual

  • cattac

    It’s interesting that so many homosexuals would be so quick to dismiss asexuality as a fad or disorder. History teaches some people absolutely nothing.

  • Brian

    @Heywood Jablowme: I have not confused asexuality and abstinence at all. The prefix “a” means without. Therefore, just as amoral means without morals, asexual means without sexual.

    However, keep in mind that the word “sexual” is a very general word. It’s a very loaded word. It’s therefore a very NON-SPECIFIC word.

    Thus, one can be asexual in feelings but sexual in behavior, as some women are when they pretend to be sexual to please a man despite having no feeling for him whatsoever. The female prostitute is a classic example. Also, one can be sexual in feelings but asexual in behavior, as when one chooses to abstain.

    Equivalent terms like “heterosexual” and “homosexual” can similarly be used. For instance, a man might have heterosexual feelings but choose to be asexual in his behavior – ie he chooses to abstain.

  • Heywood Jablowme

    @Brian: Do you masturbate? Do you never think about women when you masturbate? Do you think exclusively about men when you masturbate? THEN YOU’RE GAY! You’re still gay, whether you act on it, or “identify” with it, or not.

    You say you have been celibate for 4 years – it matters not “by choice,” or by “other people’s choice” (ha ha) or what exactly the reason is. Even the most promiscuous people have periods of celibacy. Everyone is celibate at some point. Celibacy is an entirely different thing from the asexuality being addressed here.

  • Daggerman

    ..the reality is the human race is still too young. YES young. All the ignorance through our evolution has been destined by religion which has prevented mankind from growing/learning as a human being. (we have so far to go it’s actually amazingly crazy…we humans cannot accept how other people live their lives or how they ‘define’ themselves as human beings, therefore our ‘judgment’ is destructively incorrect and unjustly placed…

  • DMGregory

    Folks, come on. As a queer community, haven’t we learned to do better than threads like this?

    Gay men and women have spent generations being told there’s no such thing as a gay identity, that their homosexuality is an illness or defect, or willful rebellion, or a perversion they’ve freely chosen when they could just be normal and straight.

    Even as institutionalized homophobia wanes, we still in our own lives have probably all dealt with at least one person trying to lecture use about what our sexual orientation *really* is or ought to be, presuming to know what it’s like in our heads and hearts better than we do. And those people were wrong to make that presumption.

    So we’re going to turn around and use this same identity-denying rhetoric on another group? What have we learned? Aren’t we supposed to be the ones challenging that kind of bigotry?

    Whether someone else identifies as gay/lesbian/bi/pan/asexual or any other variation costs me absolutely nothing. Even if I don’t really “get” that orientation, it’s enough to say “they live this. They choose to describe themselves that way. They probably have a pretty good reason for it” and move on.

    I’m a gay man and asexual. I find men appealing and I like being in a romantic relationship with a man. I like physical contact with a boyfriend, like kissing and cuddling. I’m just not a big fan of sex. That’s not me trying to deny urges or reconcile religious shame (I’m an atheist) or cope with trauma, I’m just not into it the same way people aren’t into certain foods or flavours, so there’s lots of other things I’d rather do together with a boyfriend.

    And that’s not to shame folks who do want sex (or certain foods etc). I have friends who don’t like chocolate. I don’t “get” that – chocolate is AMAZING and it feels like I’m hard-wired to seek it out – but I believe them when they say it’s not their thing, and that just leaves more in the bowl for me. :) I feel similarly about sex – I’m sex-positive and I think people should feel empowered to seek and enjoy the consensual sex they want – it’s just for me personally, the consensual sex I want is “hey, wanna cuddle and watch a movie?”

    You can point to a dictionary if you like and say “the a- prefix means total negation, that means you can’t be attracted to anyone ever,” or you can listen to how people actually use the word to describe themselves. “Gay” and “queer” didn’t originally mean what they do today, until we as a community took them and bent them to what we needed to express our identities. It’d be downright petty to deny another sexual minority’s legitimacy in doing the same.

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