Hey, remember that time Queer Eye’s Antoni Porowski did a random American Psycho parody for two and a half minutes? Like, what was that about?
What it was about was this: back in 2018, Netflix did a bunch of horror-themed short films called Don’t Watch This because I guess it was Halloween back then? And also, why not? Netflix just, like, lit money on fire in 2018!
Full disclosure, I’ve never seen and have no intention of seeking out any of the other installments in Don’t Watch This (got it, you don’t have to tell me twice, Netflix!). But the devastatingly cleverly titled “Antoni Psycho” (GET IT? HIS FIRST NAME STARTS WITH THE SAME LETTER AS AMERICAN! JUST LIKE AMERICAN PSYCHO!) is a dazzling mini masterpiece that should probably be in the Criterion Collection, and 100% deserves to be revisited now that it is Halloween Time 2022.
Ok, so remember the movie version of American Psycho, which was a book by noted gaybones author Bret Easton Ellis who I think someone told me is maybe a white supremacist or something now? Anyway, this is basically the opening scene of that movie—or at least I think it was the opening scene. Maybe it came slightly later? I don’t know, it’s been a long time since I watched that movie. Anyway, it’s the part in the movie where Christian Bale does a bunch of self-care or whatever in his underwear. That’s what Antoni Psycho is except instead of Christian Bale walking around a chilly 1980s Manhattan apartment in his underwear, it’s Antoni walking around an actually pretty normal looking sunny townhouse that I’m not sure I believe is actually in Manhattan in his underwear.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
He’s like, “Hi, I’m Antoni with no H, because Anthony is a totally different name than mine, and now I’m famous due to pretending to know how to cook on Queer Eyes for Anyone. Look at how round my nice butt looks in these tasteful white briefs!”
(Note: I have no idea if Antoni can cook or not, but I feel like there were a bunch of jokes about him not knowing how to make guacamole, which is maybe why he calls himself the “avocado king” in this? That was a thing, right? Anyway, one time I saw him do a video tour of his actual kitchen or something and one of the three cookbooks he had was a copy of Nigella Lawson’s Feast with the original U.K. cover, and I love Nigella, so through the transitive property of celebrities, I love him too I guess and believe in his ability to make things you can eat.)
One of the things psycho Antoni likes to do before putting on pants is water his herbs.
Then he likes to stand in his foyer putting yogurt on his face, which is how you know he’s a psycho because…the foyer??? Normal gays put yogurt on their faces in the bathroom, guy! Wait, does yogurt really remove toxins? Is that science? IS ANTONI ALSO A SCIENTIST??? I’m pitching Queer Eye for the Science Guy now! That’s my original idea, no one steal it, or you’ll be hearing from my lawyers:
(Also, is “gorgine” a thing the Queer Eyes say? I don’t know! I’ve never seen that show hahahahahaha!)
Next, it’s time for Antoni to do his exercising while also having toxic body image guilt about eating bread and cheese, which is a totally normal thing for a person whose job is “food gay” to do. I mean, I meant that as a joke, but actually that probably is pretty normal. We are a brain damaged people, we gays!
Then our handsome food psycho gets in the shower—I assume with his underwear still on?—to think about all of the Queer Eye publicity photos he’s had to take for some reason. Which I guess is an illustration of the Shower Principle, which actually is real science, I think.
Uh-oh, though, it looks like someone left a dead trick in the bathtub! Which is fine because I guess Psycho Antoni is going to eat his meat raw—which is not a lewd euphemism! Literally, there is a plate of raw meat waiting for Antoni to have for breakfast along with…I guess a cow’s foot? Yum! Definitely for sure this is a food gay who knows all about food and has totally listened to all of The Strokes’ rock ‘n’ roll music.
