For many years, Brock McGillis lived a lie — “a life of denial, because I am gay.”
Growing up in a culture of hockey, the former OHL, CIS and semi-professional hockey player felt there was no way his peers would ever accept his sexuality.
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“Hockey,” he writes in a personal story for Yahoo! Sports, “has always been homophobic.”
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I can’t count the amount of times I heard phrases like: That’s gay or what a homo in the dressing room over the course of my hockey career. Words like fag, p—y, and b—h are part of the daily banter. Those words are used to belittle players, to weaken and feminize them, because hockey is hyper-masculine, meant for the manliest of men.
McGillis knew from a very young age that he was gay, and was fortunately part of an encouraging and open-minded family.
But his teammates were a different story.
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Hyper-masculinity and hockey go hand-in-hand, so I had to lie to fit in with my teammates. I began dating as many girls as I could to avoid being exposed. I became a womanizer. In the OHL I had to have a girlfriend and she always had to be one everyone thought was attractive. It felt empty. I felt empty. I suppressed my sexuality to the point that I was angry at myself if I had sexual thoughts that weren’t heterosexual.
Fear of exposure led to increased depression and social anxiety. He trusted no one and felt empty inside. On the ice, he could forget his problems, but due to an increasing number of injuries, he was eventually forced to give up the sport.
When the injuries finally took their toll and my hockey career ended, it felt liberating. I could finally be free and experience life as a gay man without judgment from the hockey community. It didn’t last long….
For the last five years I have helped hundreds of players reach their goals – but I’ve done it with caution. I never divulged my sexuality to any of the athletes I’ve worked with and was always quick to shut down any homophobic language used in my presence. Eventually I noticed a change: when a player said something like, “That’s gay,” they would quickly apologize.
Although he’s experienced a fair share of backlash since coming out — and has even been blackballed from several teams — he doesn’t regret his decision.
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People – who were once considered friends – no longer speak to me. It has been challenging being one of the first out people in this hockey community, but that has made the reward even greater. Since coming out in my community, the rewards greatly outweigh the negativity. Being able to help players get to the OHL or NCAA and work with others to realize their dreams is incredible….
Cliches like “Boys being boys” and “Locker room talk” were never valid defences – this is why I’m telling my story. I’m telling my story to start a dialogue. If you are gay, lesbian or trans and playing hockey, know that you are not alone. Know that you are not the only one.
You can check out McGillis’ story — worth reading in its entirety — here.
Kieran
No doubt it’s going to be even harder for gay men in sports to come out as we see this continued and determined effort to link gay and transgender under the GLBT umbrella.
Herman75
Being an out sports figure seems at least as difficult if not much more so than being an out movie/TV celebrity.
Glad to know McGillis no longer denies his own truth. I hope he has a great life!
Aromaeus
I’d blow him.
ErikO
@Herman75: At least he’s more level headed and sane than Michael Sam is.
Brian
I think it’s great that Brock McGillis is coming to terms with his sexuality at the public level. However, I still have reservations about the gay identity. Choosing to identify as gay may be liberating in some ways but it’s also a form of self-stereotyping that can ultimately be the opposite of liberation.
As for the abuse he heard at the hockey club, it’s normal. Men use epithets to bond as a team and to degrade the opposition. I wouldn’t be surprised if most of his team-mates swing both ways.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
It’s interesting that nobody is questioning the “womanizer” part of this quote, treating women (and gay men) like trash. That being said, and a related note bynthe person’s own admission of misogyny in hockey at all levels, I do believe Patrick Kane assaulted that girl and she was threatened into dropping the charges out of fear and lack of fear.
Baba Booey Fafa Fooey
*by this person’s own admission
dwes09
@Kieran: “No doubt it’s going to be even harder for gay men in sports to come out as we see this continued and determined effort to link gay and transgender under the GLBT umbrella.”
Please, try and make sense.
The “determined effort” of which you speak comes entirely from the rabidly homophobic right who cannot understand why they are not free to denigrate anybody they please.
The only linkage in LGBT is the similarity of the struggle against small minds.
Are you sure you are not one of those rabid right wing heterosexuals? You certainly seem to buy into their myths.
dwes09
@Brian: “However, I still have reservations about the gay identity.”
Too bad. You are not now and never have been the arbiter of accepted self-definition. And your self hatred and misogyny are not the criteria others use to choose their affinity groups (thank God for that!). Your “reservations” regarding his identity is just that YOUR reservations. It is not based in any shared reality.
We get it, you are not gay; you just suck dick and you hate/fear women. The classic stereotype of the “covert homosexual” of the 1950’s. Good luck with that, it is not a definition, lifestyle or way of being most aspire to.
Brian
dwes,
One cannot define oneself – definitions are inepependent of personal opinion. You can choose to identify as a zebra but that does not mean that you are defined as a zebra.
In the dictionary it does not say “dwes” under “zebra”.
People need to learn to distinguish between the act of choosing an identity and the independent relationship between it and definition.
Definition is an independent constant, just as red is always red.
Stilinski26
Cute guy
Daggerman
…the human race yet again fails to learn from it’s past. Men in Sports always have a hard time in the locker room. Why? but, we still think that if you are gay you have to show some feminine trait…the same thing with football, so many men ARE gay (naturally) (and from the dawn of time) YES!!..but if you happen to show your true sexuality or any other diverse sexual reaction from the MASCULINE, you’re immediately regarded as a weakling and then must be ridiculed by such remarks. Every man needs/must read the book ‘The David Kopay Story’ a true life story made completely unnecessary and utterly difficult by religion and ignorance!!