Testing positive for HIV is a sobering experience, and aside from just health implications, will likely present unexpected emotional hurdles. There’s no one right or wrong way to process a diagnosis, and the good part is there are people around who want nothing more than to help others who suddenly find themselves having to face that initial fear. Local LGBT centers are a great place to start, or some googling will yield many results.
And the future is bright! Having HIV doesn’t mean what it once did — detecting the virus early and starting the right course of meds means a full, happy and healthy life is very much within reach. In many ways, knowing you’re positive and taking the proper course of action is safer than not knowing your status at all.
Below, we hear from guys on Whisper who are in varying stages of coming to terms with HIV.
Be smart, get tested, and ask for help if you need it.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Marky
Condoms, people!
Billy Budd
Yes, condoms and responsibility. I wouldn’t have a relationship with a guy who is positive because I would be worried about getting it from oral sex or a broken condom. Even if he were undetectable. Please don’t hate me for this. I would be a friend but not a boyfriend or fuck buddy.
onthemark
Although I’ve often been a proponent of sero-discordant relationships, and know several personally, obviously some of these guys could just try some poz dating sites! There are plenty of guys in their situation. One needn’t deal with dimwitted ignorance as displayed by a certain poster above (who has a l/t bf anyway so why he even clicked on this is anyone’s guess). And there is no reason to avoid dating and/or sex for YEARS as some of them are doing. You can find somebody nice who understands your situation.
onthemark
Let’s nip this in the bud. If you are HIV-negative and you clicked on this just to make some snarky comment to demonstrate your supposed moral “superiority” over those dirty disgusting diseased poz people, think twice. What do you want these guys to do – never date again, ever? Some of them haven’t dated in YEARS; that’s exactly what they’re complaining about. But I suppose that make you evil b1tches happy?
onthemark
And yes yes yes yes yes yes YES – I am very pro-condom. This is not about condoms. (Condoms do break; some tops take them off when you’re not looking, etc.) THESE GUYS ALREADY HAVE HIV and yes, they may have been using condoms.
Chris
Actually, this entire “article” is based on Whispers posts which have been trashed elsewhere in Queerty for being rather fake and bogus postings. As I read these posts, I realized that they look like a buffet-table selection of reactions to seroconverting; “I’ll sample one of that, and one of that, and o-yes, that one too!” The only reaction that seems to be missing from this article is that of the chaser who’s “happy” to finally get it done and over with.
I grant that there are many people whose reactions mirror those found on this page. However, I’m rather skeptical of how this sample so-conveniently presents a cross section of possible reactions.
And for those real people who have seroconverted and are suffering from the shame and the shaming of the community, I hope you (re)discover that sense of worth and joy that makes life worth living. For too many of my cohort, HIV infection was a death sentence. Please don’t waste the time that has been given to you because you live in a country where treatment is available and where we’re learning how to be more accepting and less judgmental.
Stache
@Billy Budd: Billy Budd would prefer talking about sex with his new “hot young boyfriend” but there’s that all that icky HIV talk and that people that have it. So for once we don’t have to hear about it.
At least he’s not advocating sex with 14 year olds in his country on every other post lately.
AtticusBennett
i still think it’s pathetic how many grown-@ss gay men think “safer sex” means “not having sex with guys who are positive”
you guys are complete idiots. and you’re more likely to get HIV from sex with a guy who says he’s negative, than you are from a guy who is open about his Positive status. it’s the truth.
“the condom might break!” – uh, ok. and you also don’t need to let the guy FINISH INSIDE YOU, if that’s a terrible fear of yours.
“I might get it from oral!” – try not flossing with razor blades immediately before guzzling semen from a guy with a high viral-load and you pretty much eliminate that risk….
seriously, i don’t get the stupidity of the “i can’t sleep with a guy who’s poz because it’s a risk!” crowd. you guys are woefully uneducated about the reality of HIV transmissions.
i’ve had partners who have HIV. i remain HIV negative. we play safe. they’re maintaining an undetectable viral load with medication, and are in regular contact and dialogue with their physicians.
end the stigma, fellas.
onthemark
@Stache: And notice how he’s afraid of getting it from a broken condom when he’s been bragging to us that he’s a top! Neat trick.
Billy Budd
@onthemark: I never said I was a top. I challenge you to find that post. I am a proud versatile guy, but my current boyfriend is a bottom. I would love if he wished to fuck me, but he doesn’t like it.
Billy Budd
And I keep every word I said. I would not like to date a positive guy and I don’t think that is the end of the world. I would have a best friend who is positive, but not a boyfriend.
AtticusBennett
@Billy Budd: why are you so proud of your own ignorance?
you’re a gay man, and it’s 2016 – there’s simply no excuse for you to remain as stubbornly ignorant and uneducated about this as you presently are.
i literally cannot understand why guys like you continue to remain so crushingly uneducated about this.
Billy Budd
@AtticusBennett: Well, I just don’t think that it is easier to get infected from a guy who at least says he is negative than from a guy who is positive.
AtticusBennett
@Billy Budd: that’s because you’re ignorant and uneducated. again, why are you so proudly stubborn of your lack of education on this issue?
it’s 2016 and you clearly have internet access – there is simply not excuse for you to continue to be this stupid.
Billy Budd
Certainty from one side and possibility from the other. I choose the possibility.
Billy Budd
Of the guy being positive I mean.
AtticusBennett
@Billy Budd: that makes zero sense.
HIV transmissions barely EVER occur between someone who is Open about their positive status. they occur because “someone says they’re negative” and some idiot thinks that means “for sure” and a transmission occurs.
i’ve slept with many guys who are positive. i remain HIV negative. guys who are on truvada are maintaining an undetectable viral load, and we use condoms anyway.
your “fears” could be easily destroyed if you’d just talk to a freakin’ doctor.
Billy Budd
@AtticusBennett: No, I still think it is more probable to get it (from an accident of course) with someone who is positive than from someone who thinks or says he is negative. It is the law of probabilities.
AtticusBennett
@Billy Budd: you’re wrong, and you’re just proving what a moron you are.
seriously, gay guys like you do the community a big fat favour when you get hit by buses. you’re crushingly stupid, and determined to not be educated.
your “opinion” is borne of ignorance and is not worth respecting.
Billy Budd
@AtticusBennett: Now you want me to DIE because I would not date a positive guy? What kind of attitude is that?
Stache
@Billy Budd: None of that even made any sense. If ignorance is bliss you must be in heaven dude. Lol
AtticusBennett
@Billy Budd: no, i just think that when gay men who choose to stubbornly remain IGNORANT get hit by buses they do us all a big fat favour by taking their willful stupidity with them.
your “reasons” for not wanting to date a guy who is Positive stems from ignorance and you’ve made it very clear you do not want to be educated, and have that ignorance cured.
i’m not saying i WANT you to get hit by a bus. i’m just saying the gay community would benefit from it, should you choose to continue to remain ignorant and stupid and not become an educated and thus worthy member of our community.
Billy Budd
@AtticusBennett: Thank you for not wanting me to die. LOL
Stache
@onthemark: Yes I too have heard about Billy Budds amazing topness. Not by choice of coarse. I’d love to show his hypocrisy and holes in arguments but lets umm just not. I’ve heard enough of BB’s sex life to last a lifetime. Lol
onthemark
@AtticusBennett: @Stache: THANK YOU guys, for saving this thread from BB, and for keeping it funny. (BB really should have named himself after a different Melville character, Bartleby the Scrivener: “I prefer not to…” have sex with poz guys, ICK!) Well I’ll go out & enjoy the holiday, it’s gonna rain here tomorrow!
heavylifter
@AtticusBennett:
“i’m not saying i WANT you to get hit by a bus. i’m just saying the gay community would benefit from it”
The human race would benefit from your crystal meth overdose death, not that I’m saying I WANT you to, but it definitely would be EXTREMELY beneficial.
One less promiscuous homosexual spreading STDs around.
If you think a condom stops STDs then you are an ignorant fool who needs to educate herself, Ms Bennett.
mawbinatl
@Billy Budd: “Well, I just don’t think that it is easier to get infected from a guy who at least says he is negative than from a guy who is positive.” This makes absolutely no sense. But I do not hate you, but you obviously have hate or extreme disdain for those who may have HIV.
Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would you want someone to reject you because of your status? Especially if you were upfront and honest about it.
I agree with AtticusBennett on this. You need to educate yourself and pronto. Please end the stigma.
heavylifter
I would avoid anyone who said they were HIV.
They made an appalling life choice in their behaviour ( lets face it, the HIV epidemic raging across the gay subculture is not the result of the odd condom break )
This reflects on their character and tells me all I need to know about their future behaviour – “Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour”.
Also the reality is HIV just isn’t sexy is it? Disease is a sexual turnoff unless you have some kind of sick fetish like necrophilia.
heavylifter
@mawbinatl:
“Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would you want someone to reject you because of your status? Especially if you were upfront and honest about it.”
I would completely understand why someone would not be interested.
I would reflect on how it was MY behaviour that got me into this situation, nobody elses, and playing “poor me” victimhood politics won’t change that reality.
Stache
@onthemark: Speaking of “dimwitted evil Bi*ches. I was going to say just wait. One will be coming along any moment and ding, ding, ding. Here comes Heavylitterbox.
AtticusBennett
@Stache: “heavylifter” will never get any STDs, ever. for two very specific reasons:
1. he’s so ugly, no gay man will ever want to touch him
2. his homophobic father won’t let him hang out with other gay people.
simply put – “heavy lifter” is a big old wimp, still afraid of his gay-hating daddy, so he comes on here to…uh… talk smack about gay men who actually have sex lives.
oh well. 😀
AtticusBennett
and thus far, i don’t have any STDs. and i’m promiscuous as f**k. 😀
AtticusBennett
@heavylifter: remember, baby, you’ve been a disappointment to your family every day of your life. and trolling here won’t make them proud of you. it’s high time you stopped blaming gay guys like me for the fact that your father doesn’t love you. he’s just a lousy father, and you’re just a wimp of a son.
happy sunday! I’m off to hit some patios 😀
heavylifter
@AtticusBennett:
“and thus far, i don’t have any STDs. and i’m promiscuous as f**k. :D”
Well, we all know about you fems and your allergy to telling the truth.
heavylifter
@AtticusBennett:
LOL, whose calling who ugly, baldy?
Like all fems you are extremely narcissistic.
Besides its impossible to take seriously a critter that uploads pics flashing its scrawny bottom in the mirror with pics of her mommy and daddy and 5 year old niece. EEEWW!
But not surprising, fairly standard fem behaviour there.
heavylifter
@Stache:
“Speaking of “dimwitted evil Bi*ches. I was going to say just wait. One will be coming along any moment and ding, ding, ding. Here comes Heavylitterbox.”
^ Another queen who like Ms Bennett bought into the promiscuous fag lifestyle and now is trapped in the POZ lifestyle, lol.
heavylifter
“” i’m promiscuous as f**k. :D”
You should take that to schools to give presentations to young teenagers about gay stereo types and homophobia. You could wear your favourite red sequin dress while delivering your presentation about all the c@ck you suck and ride – how empowering that makes you feel.
I’m sure any teenager questioning their sexuality would appreciate the “insights” into the gay lifestyle your own behaviour provides.”
Billy Budd
Heavylifter, you are wrong in judging people who are positive and people who are promiscuous.
Billy Budd
I have nothing against positive or promiscuous guys. I was VERY promiscuous during a period of my life and I do not regret a single thing I did. I have nothing personal against positive guys. It is just the law of probabilities that drives me away from dating them. If I were positive, I would look for OTHER positive guys who took their meds religiously and I would have VERY safe sex with them.
heavylifter
@Billy Budd:
“If I were positive, I would look for OTHER positive guys who took their meds religiously and I would have VERY safe sex with them.”
They don’t want sex with other infected. Like the rabbies zombies in World War Z, they seek healthy targets.
heavylifter
@Billy Budd:
“Heavylifter, you are wrong in judging people who are positive and people who are promiscuous.”
And of course you don’t back it up with any actual argument. I bets it has something to do with “muh feelings” though.
Malcolm Forest
I’m a 47 year old gay bloke who has had sex with hundreds if not thousands of other men in his horny drunken youth. There has been quite a few occasions when I was drunk and horny and my hormones took over and I could very easily have ended up HIV+. I barebacked on quite a few times. Actually being honest I did it a LOT in my youth.
I got all that out of my system since then. What a gay guy wants to do in his youth is not the same as what he wants to do as he approaches middleage, at leat not for me, and nowadays I’m in a conventional exclusive and traditional relationship for the last 4 years with the most wonderful guy I’ve ever met. I have never even looked at another guy since Sam walked into my life and I 100% trust in him too. I am now firmly of the philosophy that quality beats quantity.
I would never judge another gay bloke for being a horny dude who has slept around. That would make me a massive hypocrite and I am guessing for the vast majority of gay men out there.
I could very easily be HIV+. It is just random chance that I am not.
I wonder what it would have meant if Sam had said to me early in our courtship that he was HIV+. My main concern would be, would it still be ok to kiss and cuddle and love each other and still have incredibly hot fantastic gay sex?
The answer to that is YES.
So please stop hating other gay people who may have had more gay sex than you did, or maybe caught some STI that you didn’t. Just please stop being so nasty to each other 🙂
onthemark
@heavylifter: “Heavylifter, you are wrong in judging people who are positive and people who are promiscuous.”
And of course you don’t back it up with any actual argument.
“If I were positive, I would look for OTHER positive guys who took their meds religiously and I would have VERY safe sex with them.”
They don’t want sex with other infected. Like the rabbies zombies in World War Z, they seek healthy targets.
_______________________
And of course YOU don’t back up THAT with any actual argument!
onthemark
@Billy Budd: Gee, Ishmael, I really hadn’t expected you to get g@ng-b@nged from both sides, so to speak, as soon as “heavylifter” popped up. Sorry about that! 🙁
@Malcolm Forest: That’s a good comment, thank you.
AtticusBennett
@heavylifter: like i said, it’s not my fault your dad doesn’t love you.
but hey, keep proving me right. every time you call someone on here a “fem”, what you’re really telling us is that your dad wishes you weren’t his son. can’t say i blame him, either. you’re a wimp.
iggy6666
WOW!!! There are some very dangerous and self-serving comments here. Why don’t all the nonsmokers here pickup a smoking habit as well!!! It may or may not increase your risk of cancer…..
Stop glorifying HIV. Its still an incurable disease that impacts the rest of your life. Yet some are calling proactive measures against obtaining hiv “uneducated”….. RIGHTTTTTT…… Wake up people it’s not just a common cold that will disappear within a couple days
onthemark
@AtticusBennett: I figured out what “heavylifter” is heavy-lifting. It’s that 30-pound block of solid granite perched atop his spinal column!
@iggy6666: “Yet some are calling proactive measures against obtaining hiv “uneducated”…”
Who is saying THAT? Some posters above want to have sex only with guys who SAY they are HIV-negative. Yeah that is foolproof and always works every single time (eye roll).
onthemark
For those with reading comprehension problems: This is an article about “Whispers” from guys who ALREADY HAVE HIV.
This is not an article for HIV-neg guys to crow about your supposed moral superiority and your insane wacko theories about how to supposedly avoid the virus. (Good luck with the latter btw because you all seem to be pretty fucking stupid about it.)
Again, this is an article about guys who ALREADY HAVE HIV and are trying to deal with dating and such.
Tommy
@AtticusBennett: Thank you. Could not have said it better myself. Sincerely…thanks.
iggy6666
@onthemark: I suppose if they’re still negative they can’t be that dumb…
junk4sts
Really this a a very personal issue, back in the early 90’s when I was just starting to play with guys, I found a pamphlet that summed it up this way. “Treat every sex partner as if they have an STD and take precautions to protect yourself.”
Although I don’t think @AtticusBennett’s information is 100% accurate, he is right about learning about the risks of sex with an HIV+ person, instead of just relying on hearsay and rumors.
It is irresponsible to minimize the seriousness of an infection like HIV, it’s expensive to manage and there are health risks associated with the medication, so staying HIV- (as well as all STD-) is important, and should continue to be the message that we hear.
As individual’s we are ultimately responsible for our own health, and we have to make decisions that we are comfortable with, @AtticusBennett is comfortable having sex with HIV+ partners, and that’s okay for him, but other’s here are not comfortable with HIV+ sexual partners, and that’s okay too.
Don’t be bullied by people on either side of this issue, know the facts, and get tested. Make up your own mind, it’s can be okay to have sex with HIV+ partners, know the facts and know the risks. On the other hand don’t feel like you are doing anything wrong if you prefer not to have sex with HIV+ sexual partners.
Guys can and quite often do lie about their HIV status. Some guys simply don’t know their HIV status since they have never been tested. Some guys will be honest about their HIV status but not honest about how they are managing their infection, and some guys will simply stay silent on the entire matter. Ultimately what was true in the 90’s is still true now, “Assume all of your sexual partners have an STD, and take precautions to protect yourself.”
Brian
If you are carelessly promiscuous, you are opening the door to a variety of bacteria and viruses. Through your choices, you have become a victim of yourself.
You are not a victim of Christian conservatives or ex-Presidents like Ronald Reagan. You are a victim of yourself.
If you don’t want to catch anything, you need to discriminate when choosing sex partners. Avoid skanky-looking sluts for starters.
Bob LaBlah
Based on your responses I wonder how many of you would feel if the guy told you he had cancer, turret syndrome, heart problems, asthma, arthritis, neuropathy, testicular cancer or had a check up and discovered he had been exposed to Hep C but it didn’t develop………….not a single one of those aliments listed are the young amongst you immune from. Many of you should look into getting a dog or a nice aquarium filled with beautiful fish because it sounds like you are going to grow old by yourself if you aren’t careful.
A lot of time the condom being used broke at the climactic moment and all the “goods” stayed “inside”. Does that make him a slut due to an accident with someone who might not have know they were positive but took the precaution and put on a condom?
AtticusBennett
here’s the straight-up truth for those that actually care about statistics and empirical evidence: you’re less likely to get HIV from a partner who is open about their HIV+ status.
transmissions occur from having sex with a “guy who says he’s negative” …. and isn’t.
and here’s why some of you in here are complete and utter fools: how many of you have asked to see the paperwork proving that a guy is HIV- ? that’s right. none of you. you asked him, he said “i’m negative”, or (gag) “DDF”
and to you that meant he’s negative. but you don’t know. you just took his word for it. and you wanna know why so many guys lie, and aren’t honest about their poz status? because of the mindsets in here – the guys who don’t have the actual facts and information on how HIV is transmitted, who shut a guy down for being honest. so many guys, after being sick of rejection, just lie.
if you’ve had sex with more than 10 guys in your life, you’ve more than likely had sex with a guy who was HIV+.
a guy saying he’s negative is not a guarantee that he’s negative. and it’s through that kind of sex, that HIV transmissions occur. not through protected-sex with a guy that was open about his status.
here’s hoping some of you actually get this through your heads.
mawbinatl
@AtticusBennett: Very well said!
Stache
@AtticusBennett: I don’t care about any facts. I need to feel superior over others. Everyone here needs to know I’m better then they are because I don’t have HIV. Ok maybe some other std’s in my past but those were the right kinds.
I’ve earned the right to judge others and be a vicious bitch dammit!
onthemark
@Stache: HA HA HA HA HA ha ha ha ha!
Actually, a certain bitchy little SOMEONE is conspicuous by his absence here, for a change (you can guess who I mean). Maybe that’s a good sign. Although I was just having a fun argument with him on another comment thread.
Hussain-TheCanadian
Ladies ladies……we all appreciate the wittiness and humor in all of your responses, but calm down.
This thread has inspired me to actually read up, and maybe watch several top quality documentaries on the topic of living with HIV. Personally I don’t know alot about this subject, and it would be nice to be compassionate toward other humans and actually learn up on the subject.
Stache
@onthemark:”a certain bitchy little SOMEONE”
Wow. You’re making me work here. So many to choose from> Lol
Bob LaBlah
@Stache: “Ok maybe some other std’s in my past but those were the right kinds.”
That was funny. I can’t wait to read the list.
Realityis
OMG Same old tired people arguing with the same old tired people…. Probably 80% of this comment thread… Unbelievable. Negative men arguing with Positive men….. Positive men arguing with Positive men…. Negative men arguing with Negative Men.
I’m HIV + and haven’t dated in 10 years and haven’t had sex in 5 years…. I have liposdystrophy and don’t feel like I look good. I don’t take pictures, so I don’t post pictures. The gay community is partially to blame for this. Lived in NYC for 18 years, taught fitness for 10 of them, had boyfriends and sex all of the time.
The first person to tell me to get over it or deal with it is going to (well I don’t know what, but just be warned).
All of the notes in the article are valid. Fortunately today’s meds won’t take your looks and life away from you and younger people will probably benefit from a cure which is my one and only hope at 51. I want to be married one day but can’t think it’s realistic.
There are so many people in their late 40’s, 50’s, and so on, that have had numerous modification side effects due to the meds of the late 90’s.
http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-gilead-20160529-snap-story.html
onthemark
@Realityis: “The gay community is partially to blame for this.” GFY.
“The first person to tell me to get over it or deal with it is going to (well I don’t know what, but just be warned).” GFY.
What do you expect: the entire “gay community” is going to read your precious little comment and change its ways? And what exactly would you like “us,” ideally, to do differently?
You want ONE boyfriend. (Who, very likely, is in your situation!) You don’t need to change the entire “gay community” to get one fucking boyfriend.
GET OVER IT! DEAL WITH IT! GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
Realityis
@onthemark: DICK! Truth hurts huh? You really are an asshole like a lot of people say….
KISS MY DICK! KISS MY ASS! STFU! ASSWIPE.
onthemark
@Realityis: Gee, you seem to have a dim view of GAY SEX. Many of us actually like those activities. 🙂
What do you get out of blaming “the gay community” for your problems? What are they (we) supposed to do about all that? Seems impractical.
If you need changes in your life, but nothing can EVER change until the entire “gay community” changes, that’ll be a looooooong wait – don’t ya think?
Realityis
@onthemark: Last response… I said partially to blame. I never said anything about not enjoying any of those activities.
Some of the gay community has shunned me because of what the lipodystrophy has done to me. Why would I move from NYC, a place that I love, to come back to my hometown? Doesn’t make sense.
Some in the gay community, along with some in the straight community, are the reason I have not come out publicly as HIV positive, for fear of people rejecting me both personally and professionally..
Truthfully, I am very surprised you attacked me after reading your first comment on this thread.
My story is my story. Just like all of the guys who are in this article. Give me constructive criticism, but be nice about it. Your snarky comment bashing me hasn’t helped my situation any.
onthemark
@Realityis: Your first post was a bit confusing. I apologize for being in a bad mood! (Mad at someone else.)
Well you know, the “gay community” esp. in NYC is well aware of what causes lipodystrophy.
I don’t think you have an obligation to come out as poz “professionally.” But dating, hey, we all face the possibility of rejection, AND there are lots of poz guys out there looking. Is that too pat? I mean, you’re living in a place where there are literally tens of thousands of gay men in your same situation.
DLflaminghomo
@heavylifter
Using “fem(me)” as a put-down is equivalent to calling someone “woman” to insult. It’s misogyny.