How many times have you choked when introducing your significant other to a stranger? Do you call him (or her) your husband (of wife)? Your partner in crime? Your compañero? Your spouse? Your roommate? And how to other people respond? It’s a very modern dilemma, and one felt by many same-sex couples.
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Now, one man has taken it upon himself to ask advice guru Dear Abby for help with this issue.
“I’m a 55-year-old gay male who has been with my now-spouse, Owen, in a loving, committed relationship since 2005,” the letter begins. “In 2013, Owen and I were finally able to legally marry in California.”
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Since tying the knot, however, the guys have struggled with how to label their marriage.
“My dilemma comes from people who don’t know what to call us,” he writes. “People often refer to my spouse as my ‘friend’ or ‘partner.’ At times I say nothing, but more often than not, I find myself saying, “Oh, you mean my HUSBAND.'”
The man continues: “Some of them thank me for the clarification; others just look at me with a blank stare. Owen never corrects them because he feels it isn’t his place. I feel it’s my responsibility to do so, first so as to not play down the significance of our relationship, but also to educate these people.”
Now the man wonders, “Do you think this is inappropriate?”
Related: The Gay-Straight Binary Is Eroding. That’s Good For Everyone.
And now for Abby’s response:
“Not at all,” she says. “The people who refer to you and Owen as ‘partners’ and ‘friends’ are using terminology that is evolving because marriage among same-sex couples is still relatively new.”
She continues: “As it becomes more commonplace, that will change. In the meantime, it’s completely appropriate for you and Owen to speak up.”
What do you call your significant other? And how do people respond to it? Share your experiences in the comments section…
RIGay
Even after being together for 18 years and legally married for 3, I still find myself getting tripped up over how to introduce and talk about my husband.
At the end of the day, it boils down to: We are legally married and he is my husband. Period.
adamnfool
I say husband.
I also correct people when they ask about my wife. They usually fumble and wither.
MikeE
First off: we’re not “gay-married”. We’re just “married”. It’s the exact same thing as “straight-married”. So knock off the silly “gay-marriage” crap.
Secondly: he’s my husband or spouse (depending on which language I’m speaking). In English I’ll say “husband”. There’s no reason for me to use any other word.He is my husband, I am his husband. Where exactly is the complication?
Third: anyone who tries to use “partner” or “friend” is trivializing the fact that we are married. No one would call a man’s wife his “partner” or “friend” (other than in a context like “his wife is his partner and friend as well”). So don’t print that crap like it’s actually an “issue”. It’s not.
NateOcean
“…my better half…”
“…the old ball-and-chain…”
“…the old balls and chain…”
“…my old man…”
rickhfx
Most of the time you have to do this with str8 people, we live in a heteronormative world, so to make it clear we always refer and introduce each other as husband{s}. Anything other then that gets confused a look. Partner? no not business partners, husband.
PrinceofReason
Isn’t rule of thumb: Boyfriend = Dating, Partner = living together, Husband = married. That’s how I equate it.
Scribe38
@PrinceofReason: I agree with that. For 20 years my guy was my partner, after marriage he’s my husband. I corrected a nun at my college when she called him my friend.
Rustie
If you are married, saying “husband” gets lees awkward for you the more you say it, and more importantly, is less startling to the rest of the world the more they hear it!!! It’s what we fought for, it’s what we legally “are” – use it, own it, love it, live it!! I have been with my man for 41 years, and we have been married since day 1. Called him a lot of things in those 41 years. Only ONCE have I introduced him as my husband and gotten a negative response – she looked right at me and said “I do not believe in gay marriage.” I said, “Then DON’T get one…but in the meantime please realize that I don’t believe I give a s**t what you believe.” I giggled, smiled and walked away – she was stunned. Be proud, most folks beam and tell you about somebody in their life who is also gay that they love.
Kevan1
I have been with my partner going on 17 years. Due to insurance issue with our state if we marry I will lose much needed benefits for medication. I must mention straight couples in my state have the same problem.
Returning to the issue at hand. I call my partner my partner or husband. The only exception is if my intuition tells me there my be violence in doing so.Thank God it is a very rare situation. I am proud of my husband and feel confident in assertion of such. No one has said a word or looked at me oddly. I am sure there are few who may have a different reaction once my back is turned, but I say to them screw off I am not living my for anyone else but myself and my husband.
StucknTx
Easy. “Spouse” because it denotes that I am married, is gender neutral.and doesn’t imply dominance over the other in the way that “husband” does with some people and cultures. We are equal and sooooo happy to be married for the last 2 of the 9 ywars we have been together.
Carlos Primero
We have lived together since 1985 and were able to marry in 2013. I feel comfortable calling him my spouse.
DarkZephyr
For me its “husband”. I don’t give a shit what the word “implies” to other cultures that have no impact on my life. I am a man, he is a man, we are husbands. Well, we will be. For now we are each others’ fiances.
bookseller406
Husband. The world can handle it.
rmarin776
I use the word partner whether it’s for same-sex or opposite-sex relationships. I think when straight people refer to their husband/wife as their partner, it not only implies a commitment to gender equality, but also an openness to relationships other than heteronormative. It isn’t about shying away from the idea of married men calling each other “husband” – for me it’s more about moving forward in our idea about coupling.
Jack Meoff
@MikeE: Totally agree. I cringed when I read the words gay-married. What the hell is that?
adamnfool
I don’t gay mind ” gay-married”. But I am gay tired so I might not be gay thinking straight.
HaguePeter
So I’m not married, but we do have a registered partnership (same legal status as marriage, minus legal status for kids.. [like that would be happening]). How do you think I should call my registered partner?
B Stallone
I call my husband, my husband. I didn’t go through 46 years of my life to not say anything else. I do not let anyone trivialize my marriage. I am not “Gay” married. By saying that term, you are internalizing that your relationship is less than others. For those that might feel awkward saying “husband or wife”, that is understandable. We have been second class for so much of our life that we accept what others put upon us. The more you say (husband or wife whichever the case) the more you accept that that is the actual fact.
michel_banen
Husband !
PrinceofReason
@HaguePeter: Sounds like a business transaction, which is odd if you love each other.
gro@2709
We got married this year (we were moving to a new state and we didn’t want any issues with health care or inheritance). We introduce each other as “husband” or “spouse” (depending on the context) to everyone we meet. Since moving to Hawaii, we haven’t had one single issue with it! Everyone in our new neighborhood accept us (at least to our faces) and have relied on our fruit trees for fresh mangoes, citrus, and bananas! After twenty-three years of living together in the San Francisco Bay Area, we are NEVER going to cheapen what we’ve created and the right we have to be husbands by letting others call us something which is not how we see ourselves. So…here’s to husbands and wives being able to finally state outloud – “he’s my husband” or “she’s my wife”!
EvaWuu
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Luna1979
Gay married. That slap stung my cheek. My partner started out as a boyfriend. I hesitated calling him that only because I wasn’t sure someone in their late thirties could be a boyfriend. I toyed with manfriend then tossed it aside. He might be my husband one day if he ever stops turning my hair gray, so until then, he’s either my partner or Sweet Thing.