Hey Jake,
I turn 50 next month and so I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. For the most part, I’m happy with my life and proud of the choices I’ve made. Except for one thing. I’ve never been in a serious relationship. My longest one lasted about two years, and that was over a decade ago. I date and occasionally hook up (when I’m lucky), but I’ve never landed on “the one” and I don’t know why. It’s certainly not for lack of trying. All my friends assume I’m happy being single since I never talk about my love life with them (mainly because I DON’T HAVE ONE!), but the truth is I never thought I’d be a 50-year-old bachelor and I feel like I’ve missed out on something special. Everyone always says “50 is the new 40” and I know there’s still time, but part of me regrets that I haven’t found anyone yet and that if/when I do, we will have missed out on so many great years together. Thoughts?
Fifty and Forsaken
Dear Fifty and Forsaken,
Milestones are often a time to reflect, so it makes sense that you’re taking stock of your life. A lot of people say turning the big “Five-O” is one of the harder birthdays to grapple with. Even though I believe there’s truth to the cliche that “age is just a number”, I understand that 50 may feel a little different. Some might feel their carefree days of youth are over, and they’re looking at what’s next, what’s truly important, and how they want to spend last few decades of their life (and who they want to spend them with).
Overall, you’re satisfied with your life, and that’s the most important thing. Being in a relationship doesn’t always guarantee a more fulfilling life. There are plenty of people who are happy and single for decades on end, and there are others that are miserable in relationships. Society can put pressure on us that there is something “wrong” with us if we’re single, which psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey describes as “toxic single shaming” in the clip below.
Perhaps, however, what’s happening is you’re realizing in a new way that time is limited, and your priorities are beginning to shift. When you hit a milestone like 50, it’s easier to see your life as a whole arc, and it can bring things to light. Seeing the finite nature of time can make you want to experience everything that life has to offer, because suddenly it doesn’t feel like time is limitless.
It’s perfectly normal to have a yearning or longing for certain life experiences. I actually think acknowledging these desires is a good thing. Feelings are there to tell us something, and what I’m hearing is that maybe now, more than before, you’re wondering if you are ready and receptive to the things that come along with having a committed partnership. That’s a great thing to learn about yourself, because by acknowledging that, you will automatically make yourself more open to it.
Even though you said you’ve certainly tried long enough to find a committed relationship, sometimes we unconsciously put up walls or barriers that prevent us from receiving the very thing we want, usually because we’re afraid. Letting someone in can open yourself up to being hurt or rejected, which is a scary place to be. Maybe now, if that was your story, you’re actually ready to start being mindful of those barriers, and be more open.
We all have a different time-table when it comes to relationships, and that’s perfectly okay. Perhaps you weren’t ready for “the one” when you were younger, and now you are. I don’t think it’s ever too late to start a new chapter, and you should try and let go any regret about things not happening sooner. I know plenty of people who didn’t find that special someone until they were well into in their 50s, and what’s important is that they decided they were now ready for that. It doesn’t ever help to think about “what could have been” earlier in life, because that just wasn’t your path, perhaps for reasons even beyond your awareness.
Your journey is your journey no matter how it looks, and you didn’t “miss something special” just because that path was different than someone else’s. By saying that, you’re discounting the road you did take, which led you to where you are today, and the person you have become. By seeing that you might want a relationship now, no matter how old you are, you’re setting the intention for that, and may even unconsciously manifest it. Your eyes and heart will be open, and the rest isn’t up to you.
There is so much life ahead of you. Instead of viewing yourself as “forsaken”, I’d try on “Fifty and Fabulous”, because you are!
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty columnist and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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john.k
If it’s any help, I met the love of my life at age 57. That was 17 years ago and we’re still together.
crazyoldman
I was single until I was 53. We celebrate 20 years on October 3rd and married 8. Don’t ever give up hope.
Jim
It is annoying that so much of society and the media keeps telling us we have to pair up to be happy.
You don’t.
It’s sad that the comments reflect this too.
You are happily single.
That’s what works for you and don’t let anyone tell you any different
Mister P
I am in my early 60s. When I was younger same sex marriage was not an option, so I never really looked for it. Also, I wanted alcohol, sex and drugs more than a husband.
Sometimes I think I should tried for it but I am happy and sober.
JClark
I’m like the other commenters who found the love of my life at a later age — in my case, at 53, after a couple of really bad relationships in my 30s and 40s and after a period of being single. Now, we’re married. (I’m kind of glad there wasn’t marriage equality sooner because I would have made a couple of big mistakes earlier!) For me, it’s much easier to be in a relationship when you’re older and more settled. There’s not the constant FOMO that came with being younger. And in my 50s, I was definitely looking for different things in a partner than I was when I was younger. In a nutshell, what’s inside became more important and what’s on the outside became less important (not that what’s on the outside wasn’t a consideration). Good luck to all looking for love!
nystrele
With my best wishes to the three above who found love after 50, I refer to the pivotal scene in “Call Me By Your Name,” in which Dad implores his son to search out love while he’s young, because there will come a point when he’s lost his beauty and is then invisible.
You better believe it. I am no bitter old queen… I had two great loves, one for 8 years and the second for a decade… I am satisfied with my single life at 60, but I am also well aware that sowing oats is unlikely.
My plea to those under 50: Open your heart and look for love, if that’s a priority in your life. Balance career and making yourself available FACE TO FACE. Please don’t hide behind apps and hook-ups. Expand your circle of friends, because there’s someone out there for all of us.
That is… until 50, when you enter “the invisible phase.” I read about this so many years ago and giggled… until I discovered, it’s truth. At 60, now I’m being called “sir.” Funny how when I was 30 I was always so proud to show respect “to my elders,” and now… when someone says the same to me, I wanna bitch slap ’em!
Best of luck to all.
Hugs-
nystrele
sfhairy
I’m 53 and so very happy to be single. I keep getting the, why aren’t you in a relationship question and I’m always like, well, I enjoy sex, and I’m comfortable being with myself. Why would I want to have a relationship?
LumpyPillows
Better single than with the wrong person…so there is that solace.
cuteguy
Even tho I’m under 50 unlike a lot of these commentators, I don’t understand the pressure we put on ourselves with these so called “milestones”. Every year is a gift and not guaranteed. Furthermore, men usually get better with age (like fine wine) and that’s why I’ve usually dated older men. But then again I’ve also encountered some of these older men with Peter Pan syndrome, so age is truly a number. Be happy if you’re single rather than being miserable in a relationship,
S.anderson
Let’s be absolutely honest, I think it’s healthier than wrapping ourselves in a comforting narrative.
Your feelings of longing are valid. Yes Forsaken, you have missed something really special. Like all of us, you’ve missed a lot of ‘special’ things along the road that you probably never even noticed, too. But there are still other really special things down the road. Life is in no way over. It’s just gonna be different from the way you heard it would be.
Our culture cultivates certain myths and sets certain expectations for us which aren’t realistic for everyone. Seek a deeper truth. Either by bad luck or by nature, you never found a life companion. It might never happen. Though you long to know for sure, it may not be what you really want or need.
Enjoy your independence. Find a regular fk buddy or three. Take in a houseboy. Live vicariously through hearing about your friend’s adventures. What’s important is to pack away your longing for the life you were raised to think was right, and to throw yourself into other pursuits that make life fun. Maybe you can seriously pursue some hobbies that would have driven a husband insane. Buy the car you really want. Decorate the house the way you like.
Just remember that you ARE a whole human being. Maybe consider the advantages of not having the chapters of your life written like a copy of everyone else’s.
Huron132
Relationship are highly overrated. I was in two long term relationship and came out of them poorer than I went in to them. When I’m single I have the money and time to do my thing. I am so happy that every once in a while I go on a date and as you lucky to hook up with someone. I’m now in my 60’s. The last partner I was with for 15 years and when I needed someone to be by my side the most, they couldn’t disappear fast enough. I’m a strong survivor and went it alone in the darkest time of my life. That was just at the beginning of COVID when we were all locked down. Life is truly what you make of it! Stay happy.
Stan H
I am 56. In the gay world I am invisable. However I am in LTR for 25 years now. I think most gay men want a boyfriend that is 24 even though they are 100. If I were to date again my priority for LTR is someone close to my age.
Funny thing is that my partner is 20 years older than I. I chassed him. It wasn’t because he was rich or looked like a model. I liked him because he was who he was. I knew I can not change a person so I didn’t try.
If you are 50 and alone you can find a partner. If you are on a dating app “Tell The Truth”. Do not post a picture that is 10 years old. The picture on a profile should be what you look like today.
Don’t rule men out just because they don’t check all the boxes you want.
So on a dating state your REAL AGE and CURRENT picture. Look for a man that is honest and friendly. Don’t rule a man out because he doesn’t look like George Clooney. Don’t rule a man because he needs to lose 20lbs. Look for someone who is “Not in any closet”. Look for a man who makes you happy and feel like a million dollars.
Take care
humancobras666
50 is not old. Anyone who says it is are just stupid, immature morons that think life is a disco party every night with a different person. Zzzzzzzzzz!!!
Love will come when it comes.
FreddieW
I think you should continue seeking a partner, but get a dog for companionship. A friendly dog improves life immeasurably, and it will help you focus on something other than the fact you’re currently single.
raybearoz
Being in a very similar situation to the original questioner, I’ve been very interested in the responses here. And a lot of it is bullshit… You’re richer / happier / better being single…. Bullshit.. Sure I’m a single guy who’s worked hard, bought my own place, have a career… but nothing replaces the feeling that there’s someone specific who actually cares how your day was.. who will keep you warm in bed, will ask if you want to go to the Barbie movie… as a single guy I’m sick of coming home to an empty house.. going to social scenes where everyone is partnered and planning weddings, trying to date but every response is met with “Dick Pic?”… Being gay, old and single is dire…. prove me wrong,
S.anderson
Your feelings are valid. It may help if you view your longing for something which has eluded you as grief for something you have lost. The life you envisioned for all those years now passed. It kind of sounds like you’ve hoped your home could become your love nest someday. You’ve planned your life around you and ‘him’ and kept it open for when ‘he’ comes. Grief fades over time, but I think that if you re-arrange your life for just you, it will speed up the process and you can recover some energy.
FreddieW
I don’t mean this to sound prudish because I’m not a Christian anymore and don’t attend church. But that’s where I met my partner 20+ years ago. Maybe a gay-friendly church would be a good place to meet a decent guy. Personally, I loathe liberal Christianity even more than conservative Christianity, but probably friends you would make there won’t ask for a dick pic.
john.k
I agree partly with FreddieW. Joining gay social groups is probably a good way to meet someone. I think love comes when least expected. You need to relax but be positive and open.
Kangol2
Yes, your feelings are valid. And yes, dating after 40–at any age but especially the older you get–can be rough. But here’s a thought, and I’m sure you’ve done this but if not: what do YOU like to do? What are your passions outside of your home and career? Do you like to work out? To travel? Do you like to play pickleball? Are you into antiquing? Do you read and like book groups? Are you into gaming and cosplay? Perhaps, as FreddieW says, it might be religion. Etc. I ask because if you look for gay/LGBQT-related groups that are connected with your interests, and you might find guys there, your age (or in your age range/desire range), who share similar interests and might ask you for something other than a dick pic if you start getting to know them and dating. Just a thought.