A loyal Queerty reader recently wrote to us about concerns he had regarding his relationship. We’ve asked our expert psychologist Jake Myers, founder of Gay Therapy Space, to step in with some advice.
Hi Jake,
My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year. We’re super happy and things are starting to feel serious. Last month, he introduced me to his family, and we’ve begun talking about possibly moving in together once his lease is up.
Here’s the thing though: We met on Grindr. In the beginning, we told people we met at a bar. It seemed less embarrassing and technically it wasn’t a lie. (We connected on Grindr then met up at a bar.) But lately he’s been dropping that narrative and just telling people the truth. Whenever someone asks how we met, he says “On Grindr!” like it’s nothing. All his friends and coworkers know. Even his mom knows!
I have no qualms about Grindr. After all, without it we probably never would have met. But I’m not 100% comfortable sharing this with the whole entire world. What should I do?
-Grinded & Confused
Jake says…
Dear Grinded & Confused,
Congrats on your romance! We live in a digital age, where it is so much easier to connect and meet people online through apps and social media. Apps like Grindr have revolutionized gay culture, some say for the better, some say for the worse, but no one can deny that millions of connections have been made because of it.
My advice to you would be to first look at your own beliefs about Grindr. While many people (maybe even the majority) use it for an easy hook up, there are plenty of other guys on there looking to meet people for dating, or even to find friends in a new city. It doesn’t have to carry a negative stigma.
Although in your letter you said you have “no qualms about Grindr,” I wonder if that’s entirely true. Often times when we worry about judgment from others, what’s actually happening it that we’re judging ourselves first. Since, as far as I know, no one has actually said anything negative to you about meeting through the app, I wonder if the stigma is something you’re bringing to it yourself. You have the ability to release this stigma, and make the decision to not judge yourself. If others do, that’s on them. As you said, Grindr helped you get to a place where you’re in a happy relationship.
Even if one did sometimes use an app for a hook up, does that even have to be shameful? Is there something inherently wrong with anonymous (hopefully safe) sex, or is that just what heteronormative society tells us? You can use this as a chance to practice not judging yourself, and, in turn, not caring what others think. Often times if you go into something judgment free, others may see it’s no big deal and follow suit.
My other suggestion would be to have a conversation about this with your boyfriend. Even if you are working on the above suggestion to remove your own judgments about Grindr and be more at ease with it, it still might feel uncomfortable at times. Maybe you guys can come up with a happy medium on what you tell people that is still honest, without having to overshare. For example, instead of “Grindr,” maybe you can say you met “on a dating app” or “online.” Or you could simply say, “We started chatting online first and then met in a bar.” No one has to know the details. Sometimes less is more! Talking to your boyfriend about this might help you both meet in the middle.
Jake Myers is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Los Angeles and Queerty’s relationship columnist. He has a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Boston College and a Master’s degree in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy. Visit him on Facebook @jakemyerstherapy or at jakemyerstherapy.com.
Have a burning question for Jake? Write him at [email protected] or post it in the comments below.
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Frank
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAA1xgTTw9w
DMRX
Haha
DMRX
Exactly. This guy is WAY over thinking this.
tazz602
So, back in the day, before all these new fangled web apps, I met my husband of 23 years in an adult bookstore where we had sex. We always tell people we met at a party thru friends. My point it there are potentially embarrassing ways many couples have met over the decades, Talk to your partner and you both decide what you want to disclose to people.
woodroad34
I met mine of 23 years in a bathhouse…whenever we told people how we met, we told them the truth; it was hysterical and odd.
Evji108
I disagree. I would be embarrassed to tell people, particularly business colleagues that I met my partner on a notorious hook up app. I would feel no compulsion to defend the reputation of Grindr to other people. It’s none of their godamn business the exact circumstances of our meeting. The big issue I see here is that his boyfriend already announced Grindr as their origin story and they need to get on the same page.
ChrisK
Why not just say you met on a dating app?
phxguy2017
Picture it, Phoenix, 2011, dark restaurant, candlelight, and amazing February weather. I too met my husband on Grindr, although it was meant to be just an impromptu weeknight dinner, it ended up changing both our lives for the better. When we got serious we decided to own how we met and it became a running joke at our wedding in 2014. We often said we should have asked Grindr to sponsor the event. In more public and less familiar circumstances, we simply say we met online, like so many others. On a side note, being honest about our story helped to set the tone for our marriage. Above all else, we are proud of us and the life we’re creating.
Chris
You could tell everyone you met in a sauna. 🙂
Curtispsf
I think the writer should just tell people he met his boyfriend in a truck stop bathroom. THAT would reduce all the embarrassment around meeting up on Grindr.
b2rocketfan
I met my hubby on Growlr almost 4 years ago. We just say we met on a gay dating app. We don’t say that we were jerking each other in my truck in a parking garage that same night. Leave some room for mystery, kittens!
Danny595
Are you monogamous?
JaredMacBride
It’s amazing how many “therapists” have zero idea about the real world. This is a case in point.
Kangol
What’s wrong with saying “a dating app”? So many straight people meet on them is it really that big a deal? And yes, many of them meet up to have sex too, not just “date.”
PS: Queerty, the past tense of “grind” is “ground.” (Like “find”–“found,” “wind”–“wound” etc.)
Chris
Mind, mound? As in “mind your manners.”
Kangol
@Chris, “mind” doesn’t follow the irregular past pattern, but many English verbs with Anglo-Saxon roots do: cf. “bind”–>”bound,” etc. The have an almost exact parallel in English’s cousin language, German (finden, gefunden; binden, gebunden; etc.).
If you have any questions, here’s a great site on English’s irregular verbs.
RIGay
Oh, get over it. I met my husband almost 19 years ago… both of us shoving dollars down a strippers G-string (no, he wasn’t the stripper). We have a good laugh over telling that story.
DMRX
My husband and I visited on Scruff off and on for about a year before we happened to run into each other at a common friend’s Christmas party.
So we tell different versions of the truth depending on who we’re talking to.
“Met at a friend’s party” works for pretty much anyone. With the LGBT+ community, we’re sometimes more open about the full truth.
Works for us. But I’ve got to add, we had communication with each other about this beforehand. It doesn’t seem like this guy and his boyfriend don’t enjoy the same level of communication since the boyfriend unilaterally decided to tell folks.
DMRX
Oops. Omit “don’t.”
Forgot to proofread
Kieru
My husband and I met through one online chat service or another. Before Grindr was a thing and it was all Gay.com, OutIn[InsertCityHere].com or ManHunt.
Typically we just tell people we met at college. It’s not the whole story but it’s the only part that really matters. Something tells me straight couples don’t share stories like “Well I was drunk out of my mind at this dirty bar…” or “After snorting my 5th line I decided to go clubbing…”
Danny595
Are you monogamous?
Kieru
How is that relevant?
Danny595
Because you met him while seeking out promiscuous sex. It therefore raises the question of whether you are able to commit exclusively to him sexually. Since you didn’t answer “yes” I think it is fair to conclude that the answer is “no.”
DMRX
@Kieru:
Don’t worry about Brian or Danny or whatever name he’s using these days. He’s a delusional freak who can’t get over incestuous love/hate for his mother.
Congrats on your successful relationship.
DCguy
So did the guy write to Queerty? If so, why does the letter say “Dear Jake” if you brought Jake in after the letter was sent. May want to get the story straight.
If this is a legit question, my response, who gives a crap where you met? Just say “Online” if you’re that worried.
How many straight couples met at some drunken fraternity blow out or slipping in puke at some dank bar. I wouldn’t worry too much.
Heck, there are bigots and racist dating apps. At least the one you met on is fairly straightforward.
Danny595
lol. The “expert psychologist” has only been practicing since 2011 and his main objective here seems to be to defend loveless, commodified, anonymous sex. Notice the circular reasoning, as he attributes negative views of Grindr to “heteronormativity.” Of course, he doesn’t provide a shred of evidence that a disdain for Grindr and anonymous hookups are inherently linked to heterosexuality or that any particular set of values are inherently linked to either homosexuality or heterosexuality. Instead of making a case, he just tosses out jargon, allowing him to assume his pre-determined conclusion that Grindr is not to be condemned by gay people. What an intellectually lazy, morally confused man. I pity the people who actually pay that guy for advice.
Roan
Well, at least you didn’t f*ck the boss.
amigay
Is it really about Grindr or more about your boyfriend?
ShowMeGuy
Save any embarrassment for three years from now; if the relationship implodes, and you get to tell people you met your EX on Grindr.
Finding your soulmate is just like finding the perfect condominium……location, location, location.
Daniel-Reader
He should just tell people they were introduced by a Chinese company that brings people together. It’s accurate and will intrigue listeners.
charlenecoleman4555
??????O s
just before I saw the paycheck which was of $9068 , I did not believe …that…my father in law was like they say actually taking home money in there spare time on their computer. . there brothers friend haze done this for less than seven months and at present paid the loans on there apartment .. .??????? ?????____BIG…..EARN….MONEY..___???????-</b