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Queer Eye star Jonathan Van Ness marked World AIDS Day with a candid and heartfelt interview to Self magazine primarily about living with HIV and life during the COVID pandemic.
Van Ness, 33, was diagnosed positive in 2012 and publicly announced his status before his memoir, Over The Top, was published in the fall of last year.
He says he worried in advance that revealing his status would change the way people thought of him.
“There’s a younger part in me that was scared that if I did come out with my status and talk about it, that that was going to be the only facet of me that people were going to want to talk about or think about or acknowledge,” he said. However, he reached the understanding that, “if that’s the only facet that people are going to see me for, that’s on them, that’s not on me.”
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Related: Gay men increasingly accept HIV undetectable = untransmittable
If you’re HIV positive, on treatment, and have a sustained, undetectable viral load, there is “effectively no risk” of passing the virus on to others through sex, says the CDC. Despite this, there remains a great amount of stigma around HIV. Van Ness says he has experienced it with potential partners.
“Sometimes rejected, sometimes not. It just depends. I’ve experienced everything from ‘No big deal at all’ to ‘That’s a big deal for me. Thanks for telling me,’ and then not talking to you anymore,” he said.
“I’m not going to lie. The rejection sucks. I think that people are getting a lot more informed, but the stigma and the ignorance still remain.”
He reveals that as a teenager, he was also ignorant about the facts around transmission and turned down a guy who told him he was positive. It’s a decision he has regretted.
“I was 18, and a gorgeous muscle daddy disclosed, when I’d already had him over from Grindr hunting. But I didn’t understand undetectable, and I didn’t understand pills, and I didn’t understand transmission, and I didn’t understand anything,” he says. “To this day, I literally think about him, and I’m like, You could have S’ed that D, honey, and done all of it, and it would have been fine—and you just didn’t know the rules.”
Related: What you stand to lose by not having sex with people with HIV
He talks about the production of Queer Eye being suspended because of the pandemic, and living in Austin, Texas, while filming was halted. He also says he’s not embarrassed about taking extra precautions with his health because of coronavirus.
“I am that person in goggles and a mask and a face shield at Whole Foods, but I don’t care,” he says. “I think it’s chic. I love it. Let me give you full hazmat realness out here. I don’t mind if it keeps me more safe.”
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He also acknowledges the privileged position he enjoys, thanks to his success on Queer Eye.
“One thing I struggle with a lot is thinking about what I would have done in this pandemic if this entire situation happened, like, four years ago,” he says. “If I didn’t have a platform and I didn’t have all these opportunities—what would I have been doing if I still had my studio salon space?”
H/T: Self
Everlusting
“He also says he’s not embarrassed about taking extra precautions with his health because of coronavirus. ‘I am that person in goggles and a mask and a face shield at Whole Foods, but I don’t care,’ he says. ‘I think it’s chic. I love it. Let me give you full hazmat realness out here. I don’t mind if it keeps me more safe.'”
Irony is dead.
Cam
Hmmm, this seems like you’re blaming the victim here. He has HIV and is now protecting his health. So please point out the irony?
HowDemApples
@Cam The irony is now that he is a proponent of protecting his health he expects people to not do the same so he doesn’t feel rejected and his feelings aren’t hurt.
Kieru
You protect yourself (and others) from your HIV diagnosis by taking your medication regularly and monitoring your viral load to ensure you are undetectable. You protect yourself (and others) from COVID-19 by social distancing and wearing face masks to minimize your exposure.
I believe what you are TRYING to say is that any HIV- person has the right to be concerned about being physical (whether that is a hookup or LTR or something else) with an HIV+ person, even if their concerns are based on ignorance of how HIV is transmitted or what the risks are in a serodiscordant relationship.
But what you ACTUALLY did was conflate a highly-transmittable disease (COVID-19) with one that, when managed as Jonathan Van Ness is doing, cannot be transmitted (HIV). Because that’s what more HIV+ persons need… people misrepresenting the diagnosis like we’re still living in the 1980s and it’s a death sentence.
Ultimately the choice to enter or avoid a serodiscordant relationship is your own to make. But what Jonathan and other HIV+ persons are asking is that you make it based on an understanding of the risks; not on ignorance. You were never going to contract HIV from a kiss, a small cut on the outside of your body, a blowjob, swallowing his spunk, etc. And with a numerically undetectable viral load he won’t pass it on to you through anal sex or directly blood-to-blood contact.
Donston
Keiru, I’m not speaking about Jonathan. But I have seen my fair share of guilting people for not wanting to date an HIV+ person. It’s not always just about making sure people are informed or making sure people who are HIV+ aren’t embarrassed and shamed.
Cam
@HowDemApples Except Covid 19 and HUV with an undetectable level are two completely different things. One you can catch walking by someone in the grocery store.
LumpyPillows
It is ironic. That does not, in this case, invalidate the decisions made now.
Donston
I’m all for not shaming people for being HIV positive. There is still a lot of ignorance out here. However, trying to shame people for not wanting to date someone who is HIV positive, that also needs to stop. When it comes to the “queer community” and what the media promotes, there is way too much focus on trying to control who people sexually engage with or who people are willing to date/commit to. It really needs to stop. It just leads to further division, resentment, manipulation and using people as props. Shaming supposed “queers” for being in hetero relationships, for whatever reasons, is now being widely frowned upon. However, every other aspect of people’s dating life or relationships preferences is up for debate. And it’s a “no” for me. People’s sex lives, dating lives and partnerships should not be dictated by wanting to be pc or not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings.
People can choose to or choose not to sexually engage with, date, commit to whoever they want for whatever reasons, as long as it’s legal. The overall shaming has got to stop.
AmblinGuy
Spot. On.
trsxyz
Thank you.
G-Man
Totally agree with you.
IWantAFullBeard
As much as you want this to be about you, it isn’t. No one is ordering you to do anything – it’s in your head. Someone else is speaking about wanting to be included – which is normal.
That’s all.
Roy Ajax
This guy is just gross. There is something slimy about him.
Cam
I see you took time off from defending Ivanka Trump to come in here. Yeah, right wing troll accounts always hate people who are out of the closet.
Roy Ajax
Cam
You are unhinged.
Cam
@Roy Ajax
Awwww, sweetie, no matter what screename you’re hiding behind you can never hide your obsession with me.
Now back to you being a right wing troll who hates people who are out of the closet.
Heywood Jablowme
Yes, no one should reject him for his HIV status. That would be so shallow.
Reject him for his hair instead.
Donston
For me the hair is probably the most appealing about Jonathan. Different strokes I guess.
Liquid Silver
Choosing that skirt would have been enough for me. Artificial fabric? In a forest? In those colors? Honey…no.
Cam
For me it’s the oddly phony overdone smile. I was shocked when I finally saw him with a normal expression on his face one time and thought, “Oh, he isn’t bad looking”, but he always has that really stretched out smile and closed eyes, like it’s his signature pose or something.
Doug
I totally agree with Cam. Van Ness has always seemed to be putting on a complete act to me. I don’t buy the constant smile and delight about everything. It would be great to watch him actually get angry about something for a change.
sfhairy
Oh, Jonathan, it’s not your HIV status that people are rejecting. It’s your am I a man or a woman that is not getting you the d*ck you want.
Donston
That is hardly something most dudes care about, especially nowadays. He’s still a cis guy, and he never identified as a woman. While I’m pretty sure Jonathan gets plenty, even with his status.
Leash
i found the masc for masc gay
Charlie in Charge
If you read the recap of the interview the rejection was experienced after discussing his HIV status. If people are not going to be into his personality or gender identity they probably are not going to make it all the way to the question of HIV status before they decide.
I think it’s understandable that people turn every question toward themselves i.e. “Jonathan says he is rejected, would I reject him???” But I think through this process we are overstating our importance in the equation. I imagine most of us would reject most of the rest of us when it comes to sexual attraction for one reason or another.
GentlemanCaller
Maybe he’s not being rejected because of his HIV status, but because he’s truly off-putting?
trsxyz
Agreed. Read his bio “Over the Top” and he is truly off-putting.
tjack47
Yes, I agree. Maybe he’s assuming rejection over his HIV status. Unless someone is frank with you, they may reject you over something as benign as your laugh.
Terrycloth
It’s not the HIV. Or the dress it’s you are a screaming out there Queen. .beyond gay that is the turn off
frankcar1965
What’s ironic is that every gay man who has had sex has almost certainly had sex with someone who has HIV, they just didn’t know it. Yet they feel disturbed if they know someone actually has it even if precautions are taken and they make an informed decision.
I guess the old saying ignorance is bliss applies here indeed.
Jon in Canada
With all due respect to Jonathan and anyone else who is rejected, allow me to point out some home truths:
1 – You are not owed a relationship.
2 – You are not owed sex.
3 – You are not owed attention.
4 – You are not owed someone’s affections.
Some will want you, others won’t, deal with it. And while I’m on the subject, let me point out that regardless of why someone rejects you, be it your looks, status, etc, it’s their choice and you have zero right to assign motive. Women, for decades, chanted “My body, my choice”; is it too much to ask that gay men, when choosing who to be with, be given the same damn consideration without having to justify or explain themselves.
frankcar1965
And frankly, who gives a flip what YOU think? Everyone has the right to say whatever they want, it’s not all about you buttercups.
PanzerRider
@frankcar1965 You might want to live by your own prescribed rule that everyone has a right to say (write) whatever they want. Jon in Canada did just that but you seem to be of the opinion that he should not have. Just a wee bit disingenuous of you, don’t you think?
o.codone
Where did anyone get the idea that you can say/write what you want? You can’t. The media has made sure that either your opinion is in line with the narrative, or it disappears. That goes left towards right and reverse. It goes gay toward straight and the reverse. It goes in all directions, seemingly randomly, and it changes day to day. Don’t kid yourself about your imaginary first amendment rights, because, you really don’t have any first amendment rights. The editors hold your rights in their hands .
renzinthewoods
Just because a man SAYS he does all the right things…guarantees nothing. As a clinic RN I have to tell women of all ages that they have chlamydia or gonorrhea or syphilis or trichomonas…guys make a lot of assurances when they want to get laid. The best defense is SAFE sex.
I must admit I have a prejudice against guys with serious health issues in general. Not saying I would reject a guy outright but it would make me hesitate.
Full disclosure…I’m still single at 57 so there’s that. Sometimes I think it’s easier to blame our single status on something specific when it’s usually a more complicated picture. For example, I would reject Jonathon for his fashion sense…not my cup of tea.
frankcar1965
If people were practicing safe sex as in condoms or prep EVERYTIME, there would be no new iinfections. Obviously that’s not the case.
And btw, I’m Marie Antoinette so much for you being a RN, how stupid do you think people are, you lying idiot.
Kangol2
@renzinthewoods, you first state that you are a “clinic RN” then write “I must admit I have a prejudice against guys with serious health issues in general.”
I hope and pray you are not taking out your “prejudice against guys with serious health issues in general” on men who walk into your clinic. If so, please find a new profession, because that sounds like a serious ethical violation and pretty frightening for men fitting those qualifications who might encounter you.
If you are speaking mainly about your romantic/intimate life, that’s your business, I guess.
ep4464
I completely understand that U=U but I’m still a little unclear on how it should play out in real life. (I’m on PreP but just for argument’s sake let’s say that I can’t be on it due to some preexisting kidney or liver issue) A lot of HIV+ guys on Grindr are only interested in bareback sex and will reject you if you propose using a condom. How exactly am I supposed to know that a guy is truly undetectable? I would have to trust him and just take his word for it that he takes his meds regularly and has had his viral load checked recently. But it feels like trusting a guy and taking him at his word is how many guys contract HIV in the first place. HIV+ guys don’t want to be stigmatized for their status, but many of them will stigmatize potential partners who don’t want to bareback. I think there’s a level of hypocrisy here that I can’t fully wrap my mind around.
CityguyUSA
For 7 years I had a relationship with an HIV+ guy. It turned out to be the relationship that I didn’t have to worry about cheating because I always new what my risk was no matter what he did not that he did anything.
I don’t believe that being undetectible clears you of being able to have condom free sex nor do I believe that the pills being sold by big pharma are anything more than a scam and that’s because when the first advertised them tbey outright told you to continue wearing a condom which by its self had a 99% success rate so why do I needan expensive pill that has some side effects of organ damage so why take it? People didn’t, sales sucked so they reintroduced it without the condom requirement and started selling being undetectible as being safe enough to not worry. It’s such an obvious ripoff.
The only downside for me was not being able to be the cumslut I love to be. But in other relationships where HIV wasn’t an issue it was a huge issue. If I was topping and I put a condom on my partner objected many times thinking I had been sleeping around otherwise why would I wear a condom even though I hadn’t been and if he was topping and didn’t put one on it made me nervous as all my friends had become positive by not always wearing condoms some even saying they got HIV from sucking dick which wasn’t suoppsed to be a 0 route of transmission.
It’s hard to wear a condom without your partner questioning your behavior even if they were sleeping around. Its like if they don’t question why it makes them appear guilty for not questioning why you ned a protective barrier. It’s a very odd dynamic.
8millionandcounting
and I’m just spit balling here, but, I’m guessing it’s because you are exhausting and not in a good way.
I assume your 1st date is unpacking all your baggage as your date gets that glazed over look knowing all the while where the exits are. Stop trying so hard. It’s never attractive.
o.codone
Don’t ask me to explain, but, I love Jonathan. I love his podcasts, I love his sense of hysteria, I love his ridiculous political views, I just have that feeling down there for Jonathan. Just, don’t ask me to explain. It’s not a rational kind of thing.