Is it easier to give than to receive? Depends on the gay you ask. A spirited debate in the r/AskGayMen forum indicates there’s no consensus on whether tops or bottoms have an easier time of it.
One Reddit user kicked off the discussion by asking if other people agree that being a bottom is tougher than being a top. “Like, you can’t eat spicy food, you need to fast, you need to be clean AF before having sex, etc.,” that user added.
Many commenters informed that original poster that there’s no need for fasting and other diet restrictions, and some tops on the thread indicated that, you know, sh*t happens and that’s OK.
But otherwise, there wasn’t much common ground in the comment section. Here’s a selection of responses from the yeas, nays, and undecideds, edited for clarity.
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Hell yes, it is.
“Easily. A lot of work goes onto preparation. Food, cleaning, loosening, etc. Of course, all the actual sex part is usually shared toughness, but then you also have after-care. Tops, love your bottoms and treat them special. They do a lot of work to show you a fun time.”
“Yes, this is absolutely true. Tops have no idea what we go through. Constantly watching your diet, constantly having to be perfectly clean and having constant anxiety about it. Not to mention the money that some of us spend on fiber supplements. I could honestly keep going on, but I’m not going to, because I could be a top myself, but I choose not to be.”
Related: Bottoms inform tops what they should be doing more of
Maybe, maybe not.
“Depends. Topping is easier to prepare for than bottoming. But if the top is actually trying to give the bottom a good experience, I feel like that takes certain skills. Making sure the bottom is comfortable and not hurting them. Also, not wanting to disappoint bottoms from finishing too fast. So I feel like being a great top is harder than being a good bottom. But physically, bottoming can be more time-consuming and demanding.”
“Harder? I dunno. Requires more prep, for sure. Depends on the person, obviously. Some can just be ready to go, and I applaud those people. But some of us aren’t a ‘quick pants down to love town.’ Some need to make sure that the train isn’t going to be slamming into Doodoo Station. (Did I make it weirder than needed? Yes. Yes, I did.)”
“Depends on a couple of things. My boyfriend is paranoid of getting stuff on them, so I have to always clean out and take the extra precautions if I’m going over. But I’ve also been with guys who just didn’t care and would do it at any time, no matter if I cleaned or not. Being a bottom is a lot more tedious, in my opinion, but it all depends on whom you’re with.”
“What sort of bottom and what sort of top are we discussing? There’s a rainbow in between the extremes. Being a top is more than just being a cock. Same for bottoms: more than a hole. So neither applies here. It’s tough to be clean and ready all the time and to take cock, but to be a top, you’ve got a lot of work to do, too. So love yourselves.”
“I think they are both challenging in their own ways. As a top, you have to get hard and stay hard, and you have to know how to insert it so as not to cause pain and how to angle it so it hits the right spots. As a bottom, you’ve gotta make sure you’re clean inside and out and know how to properly take a dick, and you also need to participate and not be a dead fish while the top does all the work. It’s a partnership, and both have challenges. For me, bottoming is definitely easier. Performance anxiety isn’t gonna make my butthole not open up. All I gotta do is relax and let it happen and do my part.”
“Being a side is tougher than being both. Half sarcasm.”
Related: Tops and bottoms, meet the dudes who call themselves ‘sides’
No, it’s not.
“Lies! Some [bottoms] just lay there.”
“The required work for bottoms mostly happens before/outside sex. The required work for tops mostly happens during sex. Both have their advantages and disadvantages, but I definitely don’t agree that it’s easier to be a top than a bottom.”
“Nope. Being a bottom is a cinch. Having a clean rectum is easy. Bottoms over-douche all the time. A fiber pill with each meal or glass of water is all I ever do that’s special. Since I’m vers, I can tell you that topping involves erectile function and positioning and is way more complicated and fraught than being the target.”
“I think it can be tough for tops, too. There’s a lot of pressure to perform as a top, which can be a bit overwhelming if it’s the first time with a certain guy or based on the chemistry. I think it doesn’t help that some bottoms base their expectations off of porn, which can be pretty unrealistic.”
Joshooeerr
Is nobody Vers anymore?!
mlo88
No!
The Accidental Polemicist
Yes!
Rivcuban
Labeling gay people as a “bottom” or “top” is basically treating each other as a piece of meat. Frequently, the discrimination comes from within ourselves. Sad.
Doug
What’s “sad” is that a lot of versatile guys out there think everyone should be. Everyone has different tastes… some guys prefer to bottom and don’t enjoy topping, and vice versa. Labeling them self-hating or claiming they’re just trying to emulate straight roles because they have their own particular sexual preferences is pretty judgmental. I’ve also noticed a lot of guys who claim to be “versatile” are usually 70-80% either top or bottom anyway.
Goforit
“Labeling gay people as “bottom” or “top” is basically treating each other as a piece of meat”. Yeah, and your point is? ?
Cam
Except the labeling isn’t being imposed on them. It is a self description of what they like to do so they can match up with others who are compatible sexually.
If somebody doesn’t like to eat Italian food, they aren’t being forced to label themselves as “Not liking Italian Food”, it is something they are telling people so a date doesn’t make reservations at an Italian restaurant. This way they both can enjoy the date.
Aaron
The top and bottom labels are so regressive. You can have position preferences, OF COURSE, but let’s not pretend these silos weren’t systemically structured by the heteronormative, patriarchal, and homophobic society we grew up in.
montegutdude
And yet, still accurately describe a great many people. For example, I’m very tall. And a total bottom. I’m uncomfortable dominating anyone else. It just isn’t fun for me. “Bottom” may be born from some heteronormative b-ess, but can also pretty accurate.
Creamsicle
I just dislike the term defining someone’s experience of gay sex. Sex can be so much more than penetration. Don’t put limits on the kind of sex and erotic play you can have with somebody.
Diplomat
Let’s see. Upon entry the top sports a Cheshire cat grin. The bottom looks like he just got his checking accounts attached by the IRS. A basic difference in stress. Being Vers bottoming is definitely more stressful at the onset
jt1990
As someone who woke up in the middle of a colonoscopy years ago, I can attest the catcher has the disadvantage to the pitcher. True story, no kidding here! That event provided me another good reason to stay out of prison
The Accidental Polemicist
Yikes!
I woke up after the colonoscopy and was very surprised I wasn’t sore at all.
Cam
@jt1990 and @The Accidental Polemicist
Wow, so even on non political postings you come in and back up your own posts.
I mean……..wow. lol
jt1990
Cam whoa there detective, I’m the one and only jt1990. Why would I reply to my own comment, contradicting what the first one stated? The other fellow claims he slept through his…nice try tho Sherlock!
CityguyUSA
Nobody is labeling or judging anyone. Bottoms, tops and versatile are all self-chosen words to make it easier to connect then if we said nothing at all which could lead to a lot of frustration.
Secondly, you people that think there’s a “flushing process” that must happen are misguided. I don’t know where this is coming from. In 60 years, take off 8 years for being too young, I’ve had some poop on me maybe 5 – 10 times. Nobody I’ve ever known except for one person who’s a bit high on the OCD scale ever prepped for a night out or in; however you want to look at it. I lived with a bf for 7 years which was all but daily sex and sometimes twice and never did I even get the tiniest piece on me. If you’re so anxious over getting poop on someone keep some wipes at hand you’ll soon figure out you won’t need them.
Phuryous4
I prefer guys who bottom for me prep and clean thoroughly. Both of my bathrooms have bidets to make things easier. I want to be confident when I rim someone that I will not catch e-coli.