Of the many user-submitted Urban Dictionary definitions for the term “side,” the three most popular all describe a man “who does not partake in anal-penetrative sex” but “will engage in other forms of same-sex activity: fellatio, frottage, mutual masturbation, etc.”
And after one Reddit user in the r/askgaybros forum asked if it was difficult to date with those preferences, a bunch of self-identified sides weighed in.
Related: Bi guy says he really doesn’t like penetrative sex, wonders if he can still be bisexual
“Yeah, it’s a little bit of a challenge at times, but I’ve done alright,” one replied. “Lot of guys are often quite relieved they don’t have to do penetrative sex.”
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“Side here,” said another. “No, it’s not hard to find partners. Lots of guys are not into anal.”
Replied a third: “Never heard of this term to describe it before, but I would mostly consider myself a side then. I will get into anal play as a top if a partner really wants it, but otherwise, I would way prefer leaving it out. As for is it difficult to find partners? Nah, I just tend to be pretty clear about what I am looking for/into and if that doesn’t do it for someone, then no harm done.”
Indeed, one of the Urban Dictionary contributors echoed those words to the wise: “As with anything, discuss any risks and comfort levels with any potential partner(s) prior to having sex. Have real conversations.”
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However, one Reddit user said he’s been communicative about his side identity and hasn’t been so lucky. “I’ve noticed that since I put it on my Grindr profile I don’t get even half as many messages/replies,” he wrote.
That’s frustrating — because as we’ve previously reported here at Queerty, gay guys who aren’t into penetrative sex are surprisingly commonplace. In a study of men who have sex with men that was published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2011, more than 60 percent of respondents had not engaged in anal intercourse during their last sexual event.
“Of all sexual behaviors that men reported occurring during their last sexual event, those involving the anus were the least common,” wrote Joseph Rosenberger, lead author of the study. “There is certainly a misguided belief that ‘gay sex equals anal sex,’ which is simply untrue much of the time.”
So sides of the world, you do you. From the bottoms of our hearts, we think you’re the top!
Billy Budd
I get more fun from BJs, combined with nipple biting/sucking and regular kisses. But I do not exclude the other stuff!
Scout
Yet another of my comments being held back for moderation without explanation. Best wishes to other commenters who are still being posted without incident. You may be luckier than you realize. This is my last comment on Queerty.
PinkoOfTheGange
trigger words. and don’t ever edit.
judysdad
Same here. Battles me. My comment was not a bit controversial, nor did it contain trigger words.
robertkalin
Finally my “word”. So tired of having to answer the “top or bottom” question with “neither”. Made me feel so incomplete when I wasn’t.
ModeI
I’m Side
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I’ll side up with you
:-p
gmenzor83
I think it’s common with a younger crowd also
PinkoOfTheGange
Oh look the kids have created another (unnecessary) box.
RIGay
Agreed.
karljordinson
OMG that’s me I’ve been with my partner coming up to 19 years and we’ve been sides as they call it for about 6 years I’ve like that side of our relationship better than we did anal to be honest.
evanxx
I never had a name for it before, but I’ve been a definite “side” all my life. When I meet someone who asks “what do you like?”, I tell them I’m into ‘oral play’. I was in a 20-year relationship, and that’s what we both liked. Also when getting a ‘quickie’ outside or in a public place, it’s the easiest thing to do. Most men with wives and kids want a BJ; that’s it.
OzJosh
Oh, FFS. Enough with the labels. One more isn’t helpful, it’s just another layer of b.s. The whole top/bottom thing is more a media obsession – looking at you Queerty – that a reflection of any kind of reality. It creates the impression that the vast majority of gay guys fall firmly into one or the other category, when most are far more likely to embrace both. Also, some guys might me more predominantly top or bottom in one relationship, and the exact opposite in another. It’s also common for guys to change those preferences in the course of their lives, so they’re more predominantly one or the other for a period, then develop different preferences. Or not. But constantly referencing “top” and “bottom” as though they are fixed choices misrepresents how most of us have sex, and sets up the attitudes that contribute to bottom shaming. So grow up.
NCSilverBear
Truth, at least for me. I always think it’s about the space I’m in — physical, mental, spiritual, spacial — combined with the person(s) I’m with. And sometimes, my “side” is a . . . wait for it . . . dildo.
Dashing Partycrasher
Great points! Labels are always more confining than defining. Instead of saying what we ARE, it’s far better to say what we LIKE or what we DO.
OhNoYouDont
I thought a side was coleslaw
robertkalin
OK, now THAT is funny.
linx1240
Really? how ridiculous! I agree with OhNoYouDont!
Jack Meoff
“However, one Reddit user said he’s been communicative about his side identity and hasn’t been so lucky. “I’ve noticed that since I put it on my Grindr profile I don’t get even half as many messages/replies,” he wrote.”
I’m guessing that has more to do with the fact he identifies himself using this idiotic term than it does with the fact that he doesn’t do anal.
mash19
When anyone asks me, are you a top or a bottom? I say neither I’m a c..ksucker!
linx1240
great response…
Godabed
To each their own, but it’s not for me.
Frank Lee Mideer
I’ll do (almost*) anything. *no scat please
RIGay
Here’s a thought – why not resurrect the hanky codes of the 1970’s? There was no ambiguity about what a person was into.
AnnMargretFan
Never knew such a term existed, but damn, that’s me. Enjoyed anal as a top in my 20’s, but now, prefer anything oral, anything mutual, and really appreciate buddies who are into showering together, shaving, kissing, making out, cuddling, spooning & exploring each other’s bodies. My husband & I have been together 22+ years, and it definitely describes us. I can see by some of the comments on here there are those who hate the term, think it’s unnecessary, hate having “another” term out there, or consider it ridiculous. Work’s for me, glad I have found a better way to describe my likes / dislikes in one word.
Aonmeinum
When I’m asked if I’m top or bottom, I answer, “I prefer the middle.”
Felecia
OMG…the world finally gets it, lol….this is EXACTLY what most lesbians are faced with, since the world of straight men insists on huge strap-ons for the women in their porn films. My same-sex wife and I have been together for 18 yrs; no one wants to know how we’ve managed a successful relationship. It’s always about who wears the ‘penis’…assuming of course, that we even want or need one. We find this to be rather personal, and usually deflect or ignore the question…but after reading the comments here -and that is why I am a Queerty fan; I get to keep up with my Rainbow Brothers and what’s going on with them- I see that we are not the only ones dealing with the ‘Who Takes the Co*k and Who Provides It’ issue. We’ve gotten that inquiry from just about everyone we know or have met at least twice, except for other lesbians. My condolences, gentlemen…what two consenting adults do sexually within their relationship -or brief hookup, whatever- shouldn’t be anyone else’s business. Penetration isn’t always the great thing it’s rumored to be, and some people would rather skip it altogether. So what; that doesn’t mean that the relationship isn’t a ‘legit’ gay one, lol….
Dashing Partycrasher
Yes! Agree completely. Thanks for sharing your “side” — no pun intended!
NateOcean
Yeah, but sunny-side “up” or “over easy”?
Evji108
I’m a top if I must.
Dashing Partycrasher
Labels are always more confining than defining. Instead of saying what we ARE, it’s far better to say what we LIKE or what we DO. It’s a shame that most dating/hookup apps and websites still make users focus more on labels than on likes and activities. It’s time to stop boxing us in with check-boxes.