My best friend lies to everyone about his hookups, income & influencer status. How do I deal with this?

Hi Jake,

My best friend and I have known each other for over ten years. We met in high school when we were both closeted, and I consider him almost like a brother.

That said, he has a quirk that really bothers me. He lies about the dumbest things for no reason, and I don’t know why.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Whenever we’re out with friends, he constantly makes up stories about how many guys he hooks up with, and even shows us pictures of all the super hot men he allegedly chats with online. Without sounding like a complete jerk, there’s just NO WAY he’s hooking up with all these guys, the main reason being that they’re way out of his league.

He also tells people that he makes six figures as an influencer, but I know for a fact this isn’t true because he has a day job working in retail. Also, I’m pretty sure you need a lot more than 1,000 followers to rake in that kind of money “influencing.”

Recently, I heard him telling someone he’s “shopping for a condo” but hasn’t found anything he likes yet because he’s “too picky”, but I also know this isn’t true because he just signed a new lease on his apartment and, as far as I know, he’s never met with a realtor.

Whenever he lies, I always feel awkward because I don’t want to support his dishonestly but I also don’t want to call him out and make it awkward, especially when we’re in a group setting. Do you have any tips for how to handle a compulsive liar in your life?

Truth Seeker

Dear Truth Seeker,

Dropping an occasional white lie in a weak moment is one thing, but going full Saltburn in order to create an entire new persona in your friend group definitely throws up some red flags.

Assuming your friend is lying about his life (which it sounds like he is), this is a direct correlation to how he feels about himself in the world, and isn’t really about anyone else.

When we see someone inflating their reality in order to gain a greater sense of status, it’s sad, because it almost always stems from insecurity, and a need to puff themselves up in order to feel like are “enough” in the world.

The irony, of course, is that true friends like yourself can see right through that behavior, and it only makes him look even more insecure. My guess is you are not the only one rolling their eyes when he rattles off his latest figures as an “influencer”.

Clearly, your friend operates from a place of lack, and the way he combats that is to try and create a false sense of self to booster his ego, and hopefully get the validation he seeks. The amazing new condo, the six figure salary, and the barrage of gorgeous suiters are all things he assumes will up his currency in the world, allowing himself to receive admiration.

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of low self-worth in the queer world, which makes sense considering our collective trauma of growing up feeling marginalized or “less than”. For some, this drives them to be high achievers, allowing them to overcompensate for the lack they feel inside. For others, their low sense of self leads down a self-destructive path of partying or dysfunctional relationships .

But many, like your friend, feel that as long as their image looks a certain way (including their social media profiles), that’s all that matters, because it fills the void inside.

As much as it’s triggering to see someone spouting their B.S., try to remember that compulsive lying isn’t always a conscious behavior, but happens automatically as a coping strategy in the world. As a gay adolescent, your friend may have literally had to create a false sense of self for survival, and these deeply entrenched patterns are hard to break.

My suggestion would be to try to generate compassion, because we can assume your friend is probably feeling bad about himself inside, even if he shows the opposite. That doesn’t mean you can’t gently question some of his claims, when they simply feel too far-fetched. You’ll feel inauthentic and icky if you simply nod and agree, and pretend to always buy what he’s selling.

At at the same time, people like this are highly defended, and it won’t do you any good to try and expose him, as he’ll want to uphold his image at all costs. Confronting him too directly or intensely will just upset him, and he’ll go in even harder on on the facade.

If your friend is actually doing as well in life as he claims, more power to him. But intuition is a potent thing worth listening to. Unlike your friend, it usually rings true.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.