Hi Jake,
I’m pretty sure my nephew is gay even though he’s never said anything. It’s not like I have explicit evidence, but I’ve always been super close to him, and an aunt knows her nephew.
Looking back, I think the signs were always there. He never really fit in with the other boys at school, and certainly wasn’t the jock his dad wanted him to be. He gravitated towards girlfriends (platonic), and has always been a little reserved.
How about we take this to the next level?
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He’s about to enter high school in the fall and I can tell something’s changed. He’s distanced himself from the family and seems to have turned even more inward. He used to share everything with me, but now he has a whole private world.
On top of that, some of the things he’s into lately seem like they might align with my theory. He’s obsessed with Ariana Grande, which I’m pretty sure isn’t a straight guy thing, right? (Please forgive me if this is my own bias.) I also saw that he follows some LGBTQ influencers and drag performers on social media.
The point is, I’m on 100% on his side, and I really want him to know that. I’ve always considered myself an ally, and it would make me so happy if he felt comfortable enough to share his truth with me. My concern, however, is that he might not be ready to talk about it. If I bring it up, it might embarrass him, or worse, make him distance from me even more.
How do I convey my support, without pushing him to reveal something prematurely?
Allied Auntie
Dear Allied Auntie,
Sure, plenty of gay guys are drawn to our beloved pop divas, but jamming out to Ariana Grande doesn’t necessarily mean a person is queer. I’ve seen plenty of straight guys mouthing the words to “Thank U, Next” as they lift with their buds at the gym.
That said, it sounds like your “gay-dar” might be going off when it comes to your nephew. And you might be right. But you also might be wrong.
Coming out can be difficult. One of the most important things you can do to help at this moment is showing your nephew unconditional love. If he is gay, and ultimately decides to tell you, your support will not only be helpful, but essential.
While I feel your pain in losing the tightness with him, and understand the urgency in wanting him to know you’re there for him, coming to terms with one’s sexuality is a very personal process. Every queer person that comes out has their own timeline, and their own individualized journey.
Even if he were to know you’re accepting, it doesn’t mean he’s fully accepted himself yet. In fact, bringing it up the “g-word” before he’s ready might make him feel shame or embarrassment, or hide from you even more.
Instead, I’d simply try to express that you miss the closeness in your relationship, and that you’re 100% there for him should he ever be struggling with anything. Let him know that nothing is off-limits, and you’ll always be there there for him to confide in, without fear of judgement. The goal here is to allow him the space to come to you, not for you to move towards him.
It sounds like you’re the “cool aunt”, so he probably already knows on some level you’re accepting of LGBTQ+ folks. It’s more about him being ready, and working up the courage to be open about it.
Be as open and curious as possible, and take his lead on how to act around him. If and when he comes out, he might not want to scream it from the rooftops, or march in the next Pride parade, and that’s okay.
No matter what your nephew is dealing with, I hope he can eventually feel safe enough to come to you with it, and get the support he needs. With any luck, you’ll be sitting together at the Wicked movie this fall, with “no tears left to cry.”
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
Invader7
Yes. Ask him how you can support him !!
jcool
Arianna grande – gay
Madonna – gay
Kylie – gay
miss Piggy – gay
still_onthemark
Obviously he is really a girl, you must get her on puberty blockers right away!
abfab
Larry David/Curb ”He’s pre-gay”.
Okama
Allied Auntie,
I just wanted to encourage you to heed Jake’s advice here. I’m gay myself, but I’ve unfortunately been in the position of having made the mistake of assuming a young person was “out and proud” before they realized they were gay. It was far more obvious than your nephew’s situation, but when I made a comment to them that assumed they were gay, they freaked out. I thought it would make them happy to know that someone accepted them, but I didn’t realize that that only works if they’ve realized they have something to be accepted about. I turned out to be right, in the end, but it almost ruined our relationship, and even though it’s been more almost fifteen years since this happened, it’s something I still feel shame about. This also was not a family member, and I can’t imagine how much worse it would have been if it had been. As nervewracking as I know this is for you, please don’t do something you’ll regret for decades to come.
And thank you for coming on here to ask. Being concerned enough for your nephew to do that already demonstrates how much you care for him. Otherwise, just wait for him to come to you.
-Okama
eireapparent
You can easily support him by finding him better music to listen to. Expose him to the rich legacy of talented artists out there that aren’t consumerist drivel.
PoetDaddy
No, not necessarily. It does mean he has questionable taste in music, however.
MBNH
I’d suggest you don’t mention it but let him catch you doing something super supportive like watching Heartstoppers, or leaving the book lying around for him to see. If he mentions it say it’s really good and ask if he’s seen/read it.
You could also mention a gay couple you know in passing. You get the idea.
Marco
Yes, yes, yes. Also, you can gently inquire if there’s anyone special or crushworthy in his sphere. Show your acceptance [Any special girl or boy in your life?] but don’t expect an answer. Just verbalize in small ways that you don’t have gender expectations, and that you think the world shouldn’t either.
KellyRobinsonJr
Don’t mention his sexuality. Let him bring it up when he is ready. Without mentioning gender, let him know you will love whoever he loves. My mom made it clear to me that she would love whoever I loved, and she did.
JTinToronto
I would be more concerned with his hearing impairment. He’s obviously tone deaf.
dbmcvey
It’s great you want to be supportive. Just do it without asking him if he’s gay or not. He may not even know. Just enjoy Ms. Grande together without judgement.
bachy
Who’d a thunk NFL tight end Travis Kelce would be “into” Taylor Swift’s music? Be careful with assumptions. Your nephew could grow up to be a heterosexual football player with a Dad Bod.
Bill
I doubt that it’s her music that he’s into
abfab
Really. A washing machine on the spin-cycle has more appeal. And this US NFL super bowl fetish is tired and played out. Not to mention who they f uck and sashay around with. He’s Gay.
Put the All Blacks on display.
SusanK.R.
He could be unsure about his sexual orientation and even his gender identity. This stuff takes time to work out. Jake’s advice is great! Being there for him will create a bond between you two that may last a life time.?
Fahd
Jake’s advice is on target, imo. Also, I don’t think altering your usual behavior – so don’t watch gay themed Netflix shows while he’s around, if you don’t already – to convey to him that you’re going to be accepting is necessarily a good idea. He might interpret it as a form of pressure. You’ll have to let things unfold for him as they do; as Jake writes “[t]he goal here is to allow him the space to come to you, not for you to move towards him.” I agree.
abfab
Oh please. Give him a little push into the dark side and buy him the entire Judy Garland MGM Collection.
Kangol2
Just support the youngster, whatever his orientation. Show him love, affirmation, and support. They go a LONG way in the long run!