Hi Jake,
My husband and I really enjoy our DINK (duel-income-no-kids) lifestyle. Not having the expense of children allows us to spend our money on ourselves and the things we love. We know we are fortunate and we don’t take it for granted. We are also careful not to flaunt our wealth.
My sister is a single mom with three kids (ages 11, 14, and 16). She’s constantly making remarks about how “rich” we are and how “poor” she is, even though she has a good job and gets help from her ex-husband.
Last summer, I offered to cover the cost of sending her two youngest kids to sleepaway camp. She was appreciative and the kids had a great time, but I feel like it opened Pandora’s box. Because now it seems like she’s asking for money every other month.
At the start of the school year, she asked me if I could buy her 14-year-old’s football gear, which I did. Then she asked if I could cover the cost of her 11-year-old’s ballet classes, which I also did. Now, she’s asking if I could pitch in to buy her 16-year-old a car for Christmas. She’s asking me to cover 50% of the down payment. My husband joked that next she’s going to ask for help covering their college tuition.
I love my niece and nephews and I want to be a supportive brother and guncle, but I feel like my husband and I are being pressured into making financial contributions we never signed up for simply because of our DINK status. The truth is, I can afford to pay for the things she’s been asking for, but it’s making me feel like a piggy bank. Am I being greedy? What should I do?
DINKing Ship
Dear DINKing Ship,
One of the best things about being gay is the lack of social pressure to have kids unless you really want them (although, some might argue that’s beginning to change). And let’s face it, raising a kid, let alone three, isn’t cheap!
According to a 2023 study, the average cost to raise a child in the U.S. is $20,813 annually. If you live in California or Massachusetts, that bumps up over $32,000. Pop out two or three of those kiddos, and you’re talking 50-70K a year, and that doesn’t even cover the basic household expenses like rent or mortgage.
It’s no coincidence that you and your husband are enjoying the DINK life, while your sister feels more financial pressure. Assuming you guys have a decent salary, having two incomes without having to support a family allows for a lot more freedom. Want to book that cruise to Greece? No problem. Want front row tickets to Madonna? Check. Feeling like you really want that new outfit for Friendsgiving? Throw it on the credit card.
A flush checking account also gives you the freedom to help others when you’re feeling generous, whether it be donating to a charity, or buying some cool gifts for your family members. That said, having the luxury of a comfortable lifestyle does not require you to step in any time you’re asked.
Feeling pressure to do something you aren’t comfortable with is an immediate indication that your personal boundaries are being crossed. I encourage you to trust that feeling, rather than questioning your own character.
It seems to me you’ve been more than generous with your nieces and nephews, and your sister may now be taking advantage of the situation. At the end of the day, the reason you’ve got some coin in the bank comes down to your choices. Your sister made different ones, yet seems to be creating a narrative about “the rich” and “the poor” as if these labels were bestowed upon you both without agency. One choice isn’t better than the other, it’s just a different kind of life, and she needs to take accountability for that.
If you keep giving in to every request your sister makes, it sets a precedent that it’s okay for her to keep asking. In fact, by continuing to fulfill her requests, it might even be enabling her, because she will learn to simply rely on handouts.
Saying “no” the next time she asks for some cash may ruffle some feathers, but you’re sending a clear message that your generosity shouldn’t be assumed or expected. Keep in mind, it doesn’t say anything about the love you have for her kids, but instead reflects your own self-worth.
Let your sister know that you’ll be the one deciding when you want to be generous, and she can do what she wants with your gifts at the time. In the meantime, enjoy the fruits of your labor, and keep living your best DINK life!
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
Jim
As a guncle I owe my nieces and nephews nothing.
They (not sisters or brothers) should be showing gratitude.
If they don’t all largesse stops
dbmcvey
Siblings are not entitled to your money. If they can’t afford children, they shouldn’t have them.
dbmcvey
And, his husband is right, she will be asking him to cover college tuition.
someplace
It’s great that they’re doing all these things for the kids, but the sister/sister-in-law is definitely treating them as if they have a responsibility to support her children, and that’s not right. She and the kid’s father need to figure out how to support their own children.
jax florida
One of my go to lines when people with kids go in the direction of hoping for generosity is “At least you have someone you can shame into helping you when you’re old. I end up having to be prepared to pay.”
Herman75
Exactly. She’ll be able to count on her kids support when she’s old.
Her brother and partner will have to manage without.
DarkZephyr
I can’t stand the terms “DINK lifestyle”, or “Guncle”, but that being said, my boyfriend and I also don’t want kids of our own even though we love children. I helped raise my younger siblings and I adore my nieces and nephews, so I feel like I’m good in the kid department and I love that my boyfriend can be the absolute most important person in my life while my nieces and nephews are the kids in my life that I love and spoil and have over *when I want to*.
He definitely needs to tell his sister “no” more often, because she’s certainly taking selfish advantage. But I wish he didn’t make his desire to be childish sound like a self-absorbed religion.
radiooutmike
I think it’s nice that the OP has helped her kids.
But sleepaways camps, ballet lessons and sports equipment are different animal from paying for 50% of a down-payment of a car? A car is a capital expense. Not something that may be an occasional expense but enriches the kids lives. Plus, who will use that car, the kid or her?
OP needs to tell her what will cover is at his discretion.
Man About Town
What 16-year-old even needs a car? If he wants one badly enough, he should be encouraged to get a job after school and on weekends to cover the down payment himself. His mom should not ask his brother to pay for expensive stuff that isn’t even necessary.
Fahd
His sister and her kids, having come to enjoy the brother/uncle’s generosity, may not be ready to give up the lifestyle to which they have become accustomed so easily. If he draws the boundaries that should be there, the sister and her children may threaten to withhold love and companionship and also start demonizing his husband, the “bad guy” who’s talked the uncle into not “sharing”. I’d say better be ready for that.
In time, things will work out, but he may miss their “precious” teenage years. Nevertheless, he can use the prospect of potential inheritance as a way of smoothing out the rough spots.
Btw, one thing I’ve noticed is that siblings/children seem to expect more generosity from gay uncles, than they do from hetero uncles. From my observation, it seems to have something to do with how much respect they have for the partner of the uncle. In other words, the husband of the gay uncle seems to carry less weight than the wife of the straight uncle. In straight couples the aunt by marriage can veto the generosity and it’s accepted. The husband of the gay uncle not so much.
Ah, families.
inbama
I’d love to know who are the kid’s guardians.
That would tell me more about who is selfless/selfish and who is real family.
dbmcvey
The kids have parents. What are you talking about?
moviemag
He’s a guncle, not an ATM…
barryaksarben
I come from an incredibly poor family. I am in my 60s and have a nice life in retirement however my sister married a pro baseball player of some fame who has made multimillions and has invested well probably triplingly or more their money. I have 5 other siblings and not one of us have ever asked for money from my sister or her husband. over the years they have been INCREDIBLY generous with my parents before they died and with each of us siblings. My sister and I are the closest of all the siblings having attended the same college and I being man of the year for her sorority so we are very close. the very idea of asking for money is just not anything any of us would ever do. Im not saying that is the only way to be and I think he and his husband are incredible for all they have done for his sister and her kids but I do have a bit of a problem with the sister asking for so much too. IF they cant have an adult conversation without getting irrational or emotional I would suggest that
johncp56
My sister would never do this shaming, shame on her, and why is not asking the Ex, so sad she does not care if she damages the relationship with her bother,
winemaker
Where is the sisters ex husband? Parents are legally responsible for the support of their biological children up to their 18th birthdays, be they together or legally separated or divorced, end of story. The sister supposedly makes good money, let her support her own kids and if the ex husband isn’t paying his share of the child support, she needs to deal with this through the courts. The children are teenagers, it’s about time they realize they don’t get everything they want, and the sooner they learn this, the better their lives will be. If the wealthy gay uncle wants to treat them occasionally of his own largesse, great but this is up the the uncle. Bottom line: It looks like the sister is using her well off brother as her financial safety net and it’s time she grew up.
basils_Herald
Pick one “big” gift like a car to help towards or help with educational / extracurricular activities like equipment or money towards a college fund. Not both, they’re not your children.
I 100% agree that you should take breaks from your generosity any time she tries to manipulate you and your partner with guilt.
RIGay
I feel fortunate to be of a DINK household and having a family that was self sufficient on the financial care of their spawn. I do see that, though, with nebulous friends who think “They’re rich!” and continually hit us up for donations to one thing or another to sponsor their kids. In 2020, I fully retired and that is my push back, “Well, I am on a limited income now. Sorry.”
I’m not, but it sounds good.
MickeyMoose
Hey “Queerty”: you call this long-winded crap “advice”? The bitch needs to STFU and take responsibility for her own children. My advice to the boyz is to straighten up their spines and practice saying “no” as many times as needed, and telling this manipulative grifter to STOP asking for others to fund her chosen lifestyle. They should have bought her condoms in retrospect.
RJJ
You are a great brother to help out (and you have a wonderful supportive husband). You probably need to have a conversation with your sister and come to an agreement about how to best be supportive — while setting boundaries. If you want to help, you may want to set up some form of “educational fund” to help your sister’s kids get a good education — and then limit it to that (whatever is agreed on). Then you can say no to other requests such as a car downpayment, etc. You are not obligated to do any of this. It is just a suggestion, as you seem to want to “be there” for your nieces/nephews.
bachy
All these greedy, delusional people grasping at bigger lifestyles, bigger homes, bigger families, bigger cars – and their sensible, hard-working gay relatives are supposed to foot the bill?
I don’t think so!
RIGay
Ah! February rerun mode.
Bonerboy
My advice? Have his sister point her mouse to THIS URL and tell her, this is anonymously about her. Reading about herself and what she is doing in the third person (along with the Queerty advice and numerous commenters on this page) should at least give her a clear idea of the problems she’s causing.
Harley
My sister treated me the same. I then called her ex and told him I was tired of supporting his kids and sent him an invoice with receipts. The money requests stopped after that. They aren’t my kids. My sister doesn’t speak to me anymore. I’m sad about that but the margaritas on the beach in
puerto Vallarta help too sooth my broken heart.
TheRedLine
It seems you love your nieces and nephews and I think it’s okay to help provide them with things they may not be able to have without a little help from you as the uncle but don’t overdo it. I loved my niece and nephews and I spent so much money on the four of them for every Christmas and birthday and bought tickets to their performances, stood in as godfather for three of them when they were christened and so much more as they grew up. Now they’re all older and in their thirties and they all have awful personalities and are all self-absorbed. These days not one of them will pick up the phone to call to say hello and if I call them, they don’t answer the phone and hide behind texts and barely give a three-word response (if any). To top it off, they get mad if I don’t acknowledge their birthdays or send a card or gift for Christmas, yet they never sent me any since they were kids.
Jim
Quite being a chump
Magnus1999
Gear for school sports, ballet classes, odds and ends… fine. But the request to help purchase a 16 year old a car for Christmas is the perfect jumping-off point. If a 16 year old needs a car, they can work a part time job to buy one for themselves. Buying a car for a teenager is something that you do for your child if you are affluent, and not something you do if you are a “poor” single mom with three adolescent/teenage kids to support. It’s such an outrageous request, that it should be easy to deny. This will probably halt any future requests.
winemaker
This dame has balls to expect her well off gay brother to support kids he had nothing to do with in their conception. What the hell happened to the ex husband? If the ex husband’s not contributing to the expense of raising this kids, time to go back to court. Millions of other ex spouses do this and for some reason it works, once the deadbeat spouse faces the judge. Really, Judge Judy would have a field day with this guy and the producers of her show would have to devote a whole half hour to this case alone and she would mop up the floor with the ex husband. The best thing in an instance like this, if you have money, and live well, learn to keep your mouth shut and learn the 2 letter word that’s the same in several languages, ‘NO’. Failing this, the sister already uses her brother as her bank account, ( he’s already opened Pandora’s box) he needs to have a heart to heart talk about this and if necessary, cut the cord. and if she throws a tantrum or the tears start flowing, exit stage right. Arguing with a juvenile is fruitless and a waste of time. Other than that once the money runs out, the sister will lose her brother, guaranteed. Talk about a loser, she gas a good job, let her set up a budget like the rest of us who live within our means to save for some of these niceties. She sounds like a spoiled brat that never grew up. As for the kids, time for a reality check, they need to learn they don’t get everything they want and the sooner the better or they’ll grow up spoiled and entitled, something the world already has too many of.