Things are better for young queer or gay men coming to terms with their sexuality these days compared to the past, but that doesn’t mean they’re perfect. Advice from those that have struggled with the same things may help or give a different perspective.
“What I wish would have been available to me when I was 20, was the opportunity to speak with someone who had experienced what I was experiencing as I was coming out,” says Jeff Levy, a gay, Chicago-based psychotherapist.
“At the time, there were no role models in the media and I was coming out during the AIDS crisis. Although there are more role models for younger gay folks now, I’d encourage younger gay men to reach out to older gay men and to ask questions about their life experiences and relationships. I think intergenerational friendships and opportunities for mentoring could be incredibly valuable and enriching.”
We messaged some gay men over 50 and asked them about things they wished they’d known earlier about love, life, sex, and relationships. Some replied anonymously while others were happy to be named.
Related: Older gays reflect on thirsty photos of their younger selves
1. Don’t forget your friends
“When you are dating, don’t forget to maintain your close friendships. Friends often endure beyond romantic relationships. But they too require nurturing and maintenance.” (Dominic Davies, of UK-based Pink Therapy)
2. Own your sexuality
“Don’t be embarrassed to tell sex partners what you like doing in bed, or to ask for the sex you want. As gay men, we’re often taught to feel ashamed of our sexual desires, and that can leave many of us forever challenged when it comes to saying what we do and don’t enjoy.” (Anon.)
“Learn what turns you on and discuss that with your partner. Then explore more things to add to the list. Erotic pleasure is infinite, there is no need to be bored if you share your active imaginations!” (Dominic Davies)
3. Stay safe
“Have as much sex as you want with whoever you want and never feel guilty about it… but always be safe. There’s no sex so mind-blowing it’s worth risking your health for. And if someone tries to persuade you to be unsafe, that should be a reason to leave.” (SG)
4. Prioritize the right people
“Prioritize people who wish to prioritize you: not those who treat you as an option.” (DK)
5. Support others and they’ll support you
“Challenge prejudice and discrimination even when it isn’t aimed at you or people like you. Racism, misogyny, homophobia, transphobia and, yes, even ageism, are toxic, depriving people of opportunities to fulfill their potential. Our enemies seek to divide us. Don’t let them. Support others and you will be supported by others.” (Matthew Hodson, Executive Director, NAM / aidsmap)
“Help when you can and accept help when you need it.” (JM)
6. Actions speak louder than words
“Someone may say that they’re committed to you or feel a certain way about you, but if their actions say otherwise, listen to what those actions are telling you. People really do reveal themselves through their actions.” (DK)
7. Strive to be kind
“Always try to treat others with kindness… even if you have the perfect, bitchy response to hand to put someone down.” (Anon.)
“Cruelty is not funny.” (Matthew Hodson)
8. Don’t ignore warning signs
“Don’t ignore red flags when getting involved with someone. They nearly always turn into bigger issues further down the line.” (Anon.)
9. Swap contact details
“If you have amazing sex with someone in a bathhouse or other sex venue, don’t be shy of asking them for their phone number. If you don’t, you’ll likely never see them again and may regret not asking for it. I never used to do this, but when I started doing so, I was surprised how often guys wanted to connect again or meet up. Not everyone is looking for an anonymous, brief encounter. In fact, most people aren’t.” (Anon.)
10. The right partner goes beyond the physical
“Good sex involves your heart, head and dick. If your dick is the only part of you really involved, don’t be surprised if, after you orgasm, you feel lonelier than ever…this is your heart and head saying, ‘Hey, why didn’t you let us in on this?’ Learn to open your heart and your mind as well as your legs!” (Michael Dale Kimmel, a California-licensed psychotherapist)
“Don’t fall in love with a man just because he has a gorgeous dick … or any other gorgeous body part. In a long-term relationship, sex will only ever be a small part of your adventures together: and personality and shared values will become more important.” (Anon.)
11. Don’t fall for myths
“The old saying that ‘No-one loves a fairy over 40’ is a big, fat lie.” (Anon.)
12. Things will change and that’s OK
“What would I advise my 20-year-old self about love? Love is different when you’re in your twenties, it’s supposed to be an adventure; you’re meant to love lots of people in many ways. That’s what happens at your age. Love changes, as you get older: things get calmer, problems become more subtle, you’ll probably look for more stability and less drama. So, enjoy your lovers now, knowing it will just get better over time.” (Michael Dale Kimmel)
13. Cherish all generations
“Every generation is fabulous in its own way – and every generation will face its own struggles. My generation was decimated by AIDS. Chemsex continues to take a toll on our communities. We cannot be certain that the freedoms and rights we enjoy now will continue unless we remain vigilant. We deal with our challenges more effectively when we learn from the generations that came before us.” (Matthew Hodson)
14. Choose the relationship that’s right for you
“It’s possible to love more than one person at the same time, equally and differently. Some of us are naturally suited to non-monogamy and that can also be a ‘committed relationship.’ But be honest with yourself and your partner. Cheating sucks.” (Dominic Davies)
“Make sure you get the relationship you want. The great thing about being gay is that we don’t feel like we have to have a relationship like our parents. If you want to be open, negotiate that. And if you want to be monogamous, then that’s OK too.” (SG)
15. Life is too short to not be yourself
“Life is too short to spend time hiding your true self or trying to live up to the expectations of others. This is your life and you only get to live it once.” (DK)
Related: Same-sex couples share their pandemic-era weddings
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fur_hunter
WAIT!!!……..Let me stop laughing. Do you think ANY of them will be listening? Yeah. Sure…….Believe it!
Leash
someone sounds bitter, yikes.
Woteva
What a great, thoughtfully compiled article. I applaud you for doing this (why didn’t you ask me!) and I agree with everything the contributors have written.
I’m 64 now. I’ve had a great life. Had a beautiful relationship with a man ten years older than me that lasted twenty-six years. I’ve never been scared to say I’m gay and I’ve seen many guys who have tortured themselves over the years. Some still do, sadly.
I regularly visit my local gay sauna here in the UK (been in existence since 1982) and met hundreds of guys including a great many married men who simply don’t get sexual satisfaction from their wives. I also meet young guys and some first-timers – petrified of the unknown – so I talk them through what to expect – but only if they want to know. Nothing worse than an old queen (me!) forcing unwanted attention on a PYT. Makes me (and them) cringe.
The guys that do want to know are usually appreciative and I have acquaintances that range from 18 to 90+. I just wish I’d had a ‘fairy godfather’ to help me through my early years – but I coped, always relying on my gut feelings about individuals when we met for the first time. Fortunately, my instincts have rarely been wrong. The biggest and best piece of advice from the contributors above (I think) is this: Be true to yourself. Don’t live your life just to please someone else because life is too short and a guy with a ‘magnificent dick‘ is rarely a keeper in the love stakes.
Trust me, I know. And when my book comes out and I sell the movie rights I’m going to insist RICKY MARTIN plays my part!
UncleFloppy
I think you need to pick someone younger that Ricky Martin; he’s only 15 years younger than you. Pick someone young young, not someone old young. Lol
JanDivine
The only thing I might add is that we all go thorough the same stages in life, but not always in the same order. Most doctors (I am a nurse) go through their 20s in their 40s because they were in school at that time. Be who you are when you are.
Informatics411
Growing up in the Midwest wasn’t easy. I came out in the late 1980s after working for an Indiana governor so I was a bit high profile. I came out on the front page of section 2 of the Indianapolis News.
A decade earlier, the Indianapolis Star and Indianapolis News (both owned by the same conservative family) were in a “competition” over who could publish the most crazy headline linking gays to murders, heroin and other drug-related behaviors. It affected the lives of many people far into the future, including me.
By the time I came out, we were several years into the HIV/AIDS epidemic, which most had ignored in America (I wrote the speech in which an Indiana Governor (Orr) first used the word AIDS in December 1987.). We were a long time away from managing the diseases or even making it livable. It is not an exaggeration to say that a much of the older generation above me was wiped out.
In Indianapolis, in those days, there weren’t a lot of places to work that allowed for you to be openly gay. I somehow found 2 after the Governor’s Office: a start-up advertising company and then a monthly LGBTQ newspaper.
There were also not a lot of ways to be gay in Indiana: one was either into leather or into boys. And the latter not in the way we use it to describe young men up until they’re…30? I wasn’t fully aware of this until much later, after leaving Indiana in the following decade. But there also were not places to go for someone who didn’t fit in either Hoosier gay camp (both of which are remarkably resilient, present and seemingly have just as strong a hold on the LGBTQ community as ever).
In the late 80s, I was literally accosted by drag queens in the 21 Club because they thought I was “straight acting” and either faking being gay, slumming or closeted. I was a gay guy who worked out, ran, loved football and the Indianapolis 500–and a writer. Go figure. The 80s in Indiana did not tolerate such a person.
There was a bar for people like me in Chicago! And today with gay marriage legal there are newer ways to be gay, even in Indiana. However: you can still be fired for being gay in Indiana. You can still be kicked out of housing for being gay in Indiana. Hard to believe: 21st century and this kind of discrimination is still going on. Is still tolerated.
As for advice to the generations after me: from what I read, they’re not really listening to us. We messed things up pretty good (environment, wars, recession, pandemic) and didn’t fix the worst of it. The youngest voting generation, those just turning 18 up until about 25 I think, are Zoomers. They rarely ever do anything outside their social group.
Learn to be an individual.
“Always in a group” is a frightening mindset to someone from my era. Back in the day there were 2 main gay problems to solve: 1) Thinking you were the only one. 2) Then being overwhelmed with how much sex you could have if you wanted it. There were auxiliary problems: not having a “gay group” to fold into, having limited choices about how to be gay, not being open at work etc., being raised in an environment so toxic that the only people who survived were married-closeted with money and gay-closeted with money, both looking for discrete young adults who were…looking for money. Healthy “role models”?
So 3 cheers for new ways of being gay. And as I have said over the years since being one of (if not the) first openly gay delegates to a national convention from Indiana: where you are, there are probably more LGBTQ rights than those of us have in Indiana. Let’s help change that.
-John Michael Vore
rocknstan
Insightful comments. A few hours from you (in Indianapolis), I, in Columbus, Ohio, was warned about cops who were harrassing gays outside of our “downtown” gay bars. The bars had unmarked entrances. This was in the early 1980s. Of course the bars and the personal ads were our only chance of finding one another.
Ohio, believe it or not, has grown even more red than it was in the 80s.
For such a conservative, midwestern town, Columbus had several thriving gay bars.
nm4047
if you had the ear of a government leader, did you not have the opportunity to change the ‘attitude’ of the state from within?
masterwill7
Thank you Queerty for this article, and also for this comment! Now this is informative and positive to read for all of us gays. Nr 13 and 15 are very true(so is the rest!)!
LilMesican
I wish I had this list growing up. Read and shared!
sfcarlos65
Great advice all around.
AZ71
I find the “No one is attracted to someone over 40” is more the norm. Thats what I’ve experienced in my life. And now that I’m a decade beyond that…I’ve stopped trying anymore.
rocknstan
One becomes invisible, in fact.
Of course, this applies to straights as well as gays.
Biology has procreation in mind, to be sure.
AZ71
Yes. My advice to the younger generation is find your life partner/husband by your late 30s. If you wait till after that it will virtually be impossible.
john.k
I found my boyfriend at 57. I had pretty much given up and was just looking for sex when it happened. 14 years on we’re still together.
Heywood Jablowme
Let me guess – YOU’RE not attracted to anyone over 40, either?
It’s not a one-way street, you know.
Of course, it doesn’t help that a lot of gay guys over 40 are (a) fat and/or (b) have been smoking cigarettes so long they look much older than they are.
Vince
@Heywood Jablowme
You hit the nail on the head. I too wonder if the above commenters take an honest look at themselves in the mirror. Do you even look at guys around your age and/or condition or are you just obsessed with younger guys with great bods? Then they complain about these guys not giving them time of day. Hypocrisy at it’s finest.
Yeah, after a certain age everyone has to step up their fitness game. No more free rides you get from when you were younger. Like the George Orwell saying. By age 50 we all get the face (and body) that we deserve.
nunya
After coming out after the age of 50 I had numerous boyfriends and lovers considerably younger than I was. The largest age difference was my husband at 25 years. I’ve since met my current guy and we are just four months a part in age. He and I are so much more compatible. Not that what I had with the others wasn’t good, he and I just click in so many ways – similar life experiences, similar values, more in common.
trsxyz
Clearly things gets more difficult as we age. But I try to keep myself looking like the man that I’d like to find. Never give up hope!
dhm23455
AZ71
Cheer up, Sport – simply remember that you are not the only guy over 50 who is alive and single…
It may sound trite, but a person’s smile or glance outshines physical attraction – ( and the true beauty is they remain with us throughout our life – regardless of age )
My grandmother always said that you are never alone with a good book in hand. In her words I found and find solace. I have witnessed the harshness and cruelty of people , but then, when I least expected, I witnessed the kindness of strangers.
I never expected to see my 31 birthday and now I am nearing my 61st. ( I tested positive in 1990 ) What I thought was a death sentence turned out to be a lifesaver – I realized that regardless of status – be it monetarily or physically, young or old, a follower or a leader, no one has a ‘contract’ in life – each day is a gift and this is the reason we call it ,’the present’.
Life is how we live it – I’ve learned regardless what life throws at us, we always have a choice. Some will remain sad because a rosebush has thorns, but others like myself will be happy that a thorn-bush has roses.
Above all, when you least expect it, remember ‘the kindness of a stranger’ – and it will begin with a smile.
Good luck to you Sport !
Doug
FRE0
Physical fitness seems to be more important than age. An older man who is physically fit and looks it will be found to be attractive. A problem is that too many guys lack the interest and self discipline to keep themselves fit. That is a bit harder with the covid-19 virus around, but it is possible to buy equipment to exercise at home.
IWantAFullBeard
I respect your opinion but what you are doing is introducing a scary concept to folks in a fragile state about a very specific situation.
1) I’m 33 and I find men over 40 very attractive. I had sex with a 60 year old two weeks ago.
2) Many people, especially gay men, are afraid to be alone. Telling folks to find a partner by their late 30’a just encourages a mindset that causes stress, mismatched partners, and probably suicide.
timmm55
I’m sorry the “Stay Safe” mantra is straight out of the Year 2000. It seems to perpetuate the HIV paranoia that we old gays (I’m 64) are pressuring young men to have unsafe sex. Try PrEP, you can take control of your sexuality. I’m undetectable, on ART, I don’t want your liability if you are 21 or 62. Be knowledgeable NOW.
As much as I respect Dr. Fauci, condoms never were all that with a 70% effacy. While it was all we had in the 80s and 90s it did not stop HIV. Worse yet “be safe” makes the folly of “I’m clean UB2” still being uttered.
If your going to experiment sexually, go on PrEP.
nm4047
what great advise? Apparently Prep stops everything. There’s a hell of a lot more transmittable diseases that may not be life threatening, but avoidable with the use of condom. Much the same as the argument of mask or no mask, a condom was the savior of so many lives during the AID pandemic.
enlightenone
The value and myth of anonymous “mind-blowing sex” as a life lesson? Clearly, some NEVER learn! Hopefully, no teenage gay/bi young man is mentored by him or any other, or has read this article!
enlightenone
…How about a phone number exchange and CONVERSATION BEFORE the sex?
C_Alan
I read this and all I could think about was me dying alone in my bed.
hotdogla
Yeah I wasted my 30s with a gaslighter and cheater.
ptb2016
I’d add, don’t keep looking for something better when you find something good. Treasure what you’ve found. I lost the love of my life by not realising it was him until it was too late, because I was alway looking around, missing what was in front of my nose. 40 years later I still miss him.
biggaloot
This is the best advice of all…
YourDad
My father told me just before his death that he regretted living his life to please his dad – joining the Army, marriage, 4 kids, living just 30 miles from his father, etc. None of it worked. Our grandfather never visited once or even remembered any of our names. Couldn’t have cared less.
He told me to not intentionally hurt people, but to live a good life that was right for me and to not care about pleasing society or parents, because it won’t happen.
Gay, age difference between you and spouse, race differences, lots of sex, no sex … none of it matters unless you’re trying to please society or parents – who are often more concerned about themselves than you.
He didn’t realize this until too late, but wanted me to know.
Sister Bertha Bedderthanyu
I would have added don’t get the impression that the word hello from an older guy means they want to have sex with you.
Rock Star
Generally speaking almost no one in their late teens or 20’s will take any advice until there looking at 30 in the face.
However the article is full of good words that make sense, take it or leave it.
Enjoy tour twenties. I certainly did.
PS
When I was in my twenties I would never think of reading this. I was having too much fun just being me.
o.codone
I need advice from the younger generation about open marriage. IDK how that works. I would be so jealous if some other guy was eating out my husband, it would drive me to a breakdown. And, doesn’t all that extra-marital fooling around put pressure on the very concept of marriage? Why be married if you can get as much public domain dick as you want? Somebody explain.
nunya
I agreed to an open marriage. Little did I know a hookup and I would fall head over heels for each other. Ended the marriage. It’s a dangerous game. Not for everyone.
Vince
Maybe they liked having you around but wanted a fun sized d*ck for some good pounding once in a while. I dunno. Many reasons I guess.
nunya
I wish I had someone tell me that I was under no obligation to come out. No need for a declaration. No need for a ticker tape parade. Just live your life unapologetically with no excuses or explanations for anyone. I also wish someone told me that there was more than one way to be gay – that gay men weren’t all caricatures of women or hyper masculine Tom of Finland types – that the vast majority fell somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.
barkomatic
This is so true. Even today, it seems gay people are encouraged to set up conversations with family and friends where they state they are gay and then take questions and criticism like it’s a press conference. Now, I think it’s better to just live your life — and if say your best friend wants to talk about seeing you hold someone’s hand then let *them* initiate the conversation.
trsxyz
Amen to that!!
radiooutmike
The biggest lesson I have learned is to not be fearful of who you are and live for yourself.
When I look back on my life, there were times I knew who I truly was and that scared the crap out of me, because I did not know what my life would be. Other times, when I obfuscated who I was and I lived the life I thought I was supposed to.
It’s just easier now. I wish I had the courage to be out earlier.
arifr
I turned 34 today. Won’t waste my time… No more
Dick Gozinia
I would add: Stay away from drugs. Go easy on the alcohol. Know that EVERYTHING you say will be repeated.
tjack47
I’m 57. I had to move to a rural town of about 2,000 people when I left my last partner after 12 years together. I gave him permission to abuse me in different ways. It took almost 12 years to realize it, because I felt so small. I thought so poorly of myself. No more. I’ve been single for 17 years. I like being alone. I had casual sex until about 1 and 1/2 years ago. It’s not for lack of desire as much as my general health.
I was 29 when we met and 40 when I left. I was ill with mania, or I don’t think I would have had the energy to leave. I also had some great counseling. I’ve stayed through these years, because I have disability now. I also hit the ground running caring for grandparents and my parents. They have cared for me too. The city, 60 miles away, is too expensive for me to live in anymore. If I had stayed in the city, I’ve no doubt I’d have had a partner whether it lasted or not. Who knows? I might’ve gotten married. When I was in my 20’s, I had sexual encounters with men much older than me. Nothing serious, but I found a range of different aged men attractive.
It’s not about age, body type, penis size, clothes or jewelry for me. It’s a connection far beyond those fleeting things for me. I wouldn’t be upset if I’m alone until I die. I’ve found the most abhorrent comments about physical appearance and age here and elsewhere. We ought to revere our seniors. Who you are attracted to is your business. Tearing down the men on whose shoulders you stand is vile. I think it’s the same in reverse.
GayEGO
Good article. I have always been attracted to men, even when I was born when a military guy and a gal came to look at me in a crib at the hospital, which my mother verified. I was born and raised in Idaho, went through “The Fall of ’55 when gays were sent to prison just for the thought they were gay. I went into the Navy in 1959, put my attraction aside, and in Washington D.C. where I was stationed at the Navy Music School, I first heard the word gay in 1960. I had some off base fooling around. In 1961 I was transferred to Boston and in January, 1962 I decided to live my life as a gay man. I became bonded to a guy I saw in a gay bar, we were introduced, and we were together ever since as we had a great relationship for 57 years, married 15 years. This article is correct in stating that a relationship is the top priority, sex is secondary.
Pii
learn our history, the fight for our rights, how we were /are treated. be vigilant or those rights will be taken in a heartbeat.
RandomGuy
9. Swap contact details
“If you have amazing sex with someone in a bathhouse or other sex venue, don’t be shy of asking them for their phone number. If you don’t, you’ll likely never see them again and may regret not asking for it. I never used to do this, but when I started doing so, I was surprised how often guys wanted to connect again or meet up. Not everyone is looking for an anonymous, brief encounter. In fact, most people aren’t.” Aren’t bathhouses made for anonymous brief encounters, I’ve never been to one but I’m fairly certain that’s their purpose.
biggaloot
Bathhouses and sex clubs certainly *facilitate* anonymous hookups, but you can say and do whatever you want. Like anywhere else, If a guy in a bathhouse doesn’t want to give you his contact info, all he has to do is politely decline. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
Mack
I regret some things I did in my life. I worked 10-12 hours a day six days a week and only had time for one night stands. I was involved with a couple of guys in my early 20’s but they were “bi” and couldn’t make up their minds. I got married to a wonderful woman and we spent 7 1/2 years together but I knew I was gay and couldn’t continue (we’re still friends 36 years later). Now I’m 73 and all though I’m retired and live alone, I love my life. I travel when and where I want. I have a group of gay friends (about 50) and we have dinner once a week (prior to Covid). Not all 50 show up but we generally do about 15 or so at time. Now with Covid we keep in contact by email or Facebook. Yeah I regret i spent my life working, and sometimes not establishing a true relationship with a partner, but you make choices in life you have to live with.
Bumper
30 is not the end of life. It’s the beginning.
IWantAFullBeard
Here is some advice:
Be a good person. Make your lasting memory kindness. In a room where there are no men, strive to be one. The rest is commentary.
radiooutmike
I would just say accept who you are and be proud.
Every major decision I made from when I was about 12 years until i came out five years ago was made to avoid the truth of who I really was.
That is 35 years of decisions; I really wasted time with misunderstanding myself and compartmentalizing the parts that I knew. Years of missed opportunities and of accepting my truth.
GayEGO
Excellent advice! I am 79, had a partner for 57 years, married 15 years, and we had a wonderful life together. Our relationship and love were first, sex was second, and we never had financial problems because we both worked hard and did not argue about money.
Rugby8
Thanks for this article!
I am a 64 year old guy who met his husband at the Gay Pride Parade in NY in 1981. We’ve been married 6 years, and in June we will celebrate our 40th anniversary. There is so much I wish I could share with younger guys – and So many of the points above are so spot on.