Paul Rudnick Recalibrates The Kinsey Scale For The New Yorker

We’re so gay that on the Kinsey scale—the one that places human sexuality on a continuum from “0” (totes hetero) to “6” (mega-super-awesome-gay)—we dip into the triple digits.

But we’re comfortable enough with our sexuality to have a good giggle over author/screenwriter Paul Rudnick’s cheeky essay in The New Yorker, in which “owing to changing cultural boundaries and advanced research,” he expands the scale.

Here are some choice numbers:

A Kinsey 2: So heterosexual that the thought of two people of the same sex having intercourse doesn’t disgust you; it confuses you—”Wait a minute, if they’re both girls, which one falls asleep immediately afterward while the other one keeps babbling about her day?”
A Kinsey 6: Heterosexual, yet still able to wear colors other than brown, olive green, and navy blue (but never pink or yellow, because you’re not some goddamn circus clown).
A Kinsey 11: Heterosexual, but while on business trips will frequently have intercourse with same-sex partners, primarily because they know the best local restaurants.
A Kinsey 17: Homosexual, but occasionally attracted to the opposite gender, just to get your mom’s hopes up.
A Kinsey 23: So exclusively homosexual that you made an “It Gets Better” video aimed at kids who were raised in homes without stacks of coffee-table books.

Image via RBowen