In honor of Easter Sunday, let’s celebrate the most famous carpenter in history by remembering all the times he gave the world wood. From artwork to film portrayals and all the in-between, here are 18 times Jesus Christ was the savior of sexiness.
That time he hulked off of that cross and beat the crap out of Pontius Pilate with his bare hands
That time he wore his heart on his pecs
That time he was a pin-up (though “nail-up” is perhaps more appropriate)
That time he was Tim Tebow
That time he dated Madonna
That time he got all tatted up
That time he was a work of classic Renaissance art
That time he was this guy
And this guy
And especially this guy
That time he was Christian Bale
That time he was killed by Bill O’Reilly and the National Geographic Channel
That time he was JCVD
That time he was Photoshopped onto Captain America’s body
That time he was a model
That other time he was a model
That time he was hotter than Jim Caviezel
That time he scandalized the church
And just because, more of this guy
In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Goddamn
thefrogger
Imma pray for y’all!
Xzamilio
Yup… I’d nail any of them.
kevininbuffalo
Disgusting.
ted72
Stop promoting this over drawn out myth.
Mark Villnave
Disgusting
Xzamilio
Hey… nothing wrong with this blasphemous display of sky daddy in a fuckable light. Plus, there are people out there who actually get sexual pleasure from the actual crap in the bible about this dude… humans are weird. But then again, I’d stick my tongue in the ass cheeks of half of the Seattle Seahawks, so who am I to judge?
Realitycheck
Hum the big hunk and the african Jesus are hot, what a holy trinity we would make LOL
Billy Budd
Jesus is sexy: Muscular, sweaty, long blond hair, blue eyes, the beard.
Patricia Putarski
.
Patricia Putarski
Happy Easter!
jwtraveler
@kevininbuffalo: @Mark Villnave: If you’re referring to the corrupt, hypocritical, murderous, bigoted and sexually abusive history of the Catholic Church, I agree 100%.
These hunky Jesus’s are hot, especially the first (and last) one.
TrueWords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzwJTOogKyc
TrueWords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d94yN2IqOVI
balddude13
Praise Jesus! Although Jim Cavizel is a sexy Jesus, to me the most beautiful cinematic Jesus was Jeffrey Hunter in KING OF KINGS (1965?) Check him out.
TrueWords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjJcGSKUHtM
balddude13
I correct myself. KING OF KINGS was released in 1961 not 1965. I think 1965 was when I watched it for the first time on television. I always had a crush on Jeffrey Hunter. He was actually the first choice to play Captain Kirk on Star Trek. Happy Easter everyone.
L Sol Blackhawk
Is it just me or does the third Jesus down look a bit more like Manuel Vignau than Tim Tebow?
TrueWords
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oI0OhH5LU3A
balddude13
Nice. Doesn’t Jeffrey Hunter make a pretty Jesus?!
Marcus Pruden
Pippi Longstalkings
Ian Velasco
Too soon?
enlightenone
@Xzamilio: “Hey… nothing wrong with this blasphemous display of sky daddy in a fuckable light. Plus, there are people out there who actually get sexual pleasure from the actual crap in the bible about this dude… humans are weird. But then again, I’d stick my tongue in the ass cheeks of half of the Seattle Seahawks, so who am I to judge?”
Happy Easter Sunday, my pal. Lol!!!
Xzamilio
@enlightenone: Happy Zombie Jesus Day to you too!!!
Alexander Mcafee-Chang
I got to be Jesus twice.
greybat
@TrueWords: Ted Neely will always be my favorite Jesus. I worked a Crew call on the touring company of “Jesus Christ Superstar”, which Mr Neely has been touring for 35 years.
He is much older now than Jesus ever was, and much of the beautiful blonde hair is gone,but what Gentleman he was to the Fans, the Cast and the Crew!
They just don’t make Messiahs like that anymore!
Captain Obvious
@Realitycheck: “African Jesus” is just Jesus, you should say “European Jesus” for the others because Jesus wasn’t in Europe.
Also I kinda find it odd how many people are willing to play around with a religious figure like that no matter if they believe or not. Any other figure and people throw a fit. Mocking Jesus and his sacrifice is a-ok for some strange reason.
balddude13
Why can’t he just be “your…own…personal…Jesus…
He might have never been in Europe, but he might have been in Asia hanging out with Buddha. It’s just a theory, Captain Obvious.
balddude13
@greybat
Wow! I totally forgot about Ted Neely. He was quite handsome. He made a beautiful Jesus and he could sing too! Was it Ted Neely who had a relationship with June Lockhart From Lassie and Lost In Space. It may have been another actor who played Jesus in another touring company OF JC Superstar. I think it might have been before the film version with Ted Neely was made. Thanks for reminding me. BTW, I saw the Broadway version when I was still in high school back in 1974. It was amazing!
Tackle
@Captain Obvious: That’s a good point made about mocking and playing around with a religious figure that means so much too so many people. Regardless if it means anything to you. I don’t believe in
Muhammad
Krisna
Budda
or Jesus. But I would never mock, or sexualized any.
I don’t think any on here would like it if a pic was posted of a parent: mother or father, when they were young & hot, and the words, fuckable,or I’ll stick my tongue deep in their ass cheeks…
No wonder we get a reputation for being oversexualized,can’t control yourself perverts.
Xzamilio
@Captain Obvious: Draw Muhammad Day.
Shut up. They are all deserving of mocking…any being worshiped as though they are the pinnacle of perfection is not immune from scrutiny, especially when you have so many atrocities being committed worldwide in the name of some of these deities. “Sacrifice”… according to the story, he was dead for three days, came back to life and ascended to Heaven where he is right now for all of eternity… and KNEW that in order to save mankind from his own wrath, he would have to kill himself as blood offering to a heavenly form of himself. That’s not a sacrifice… at the most, that’s a slight inconvenience.
Xzamilio
@Tackle: And like I told you… come @ me bro. Why don’t you stop being a coward and direct your side-of-your-mouth-comments directly at me. As if I give a damn what you wouldn’t “sexualize” or “mock”… you’re on Queerty. You’re thumbing your nose up in mud, dude, because you’re right down here with the rest of us looking at pics of JEEEZUS. And I guess it’s a good thing my parents aren’t on here being ogled, and I think it’d be a little MORE creepy if I did like them being ogled. How the hell do you even compare parents to fictional/religious characters? You got a daddy complex, man? Work on your own problems, dude… and then go over to Huffington Post, with your holier-than-thou ass.
Xzamilio
Fuck… you can’t even joke on this site without some puritanical old prude who probably fucked their way through their 20s trying to act like they are so pristine.
musctop
@Xzamilio: Amen. Some of the ladies here can make pearl clutching an olympic sport. Don’t like pics of sexy Jesus don’t look.
Charlie in Charge
@Captain Obvious: Speaking as a polytheist, most divine figures get whimsical portrayals with the one exception being the prophet who wrote the Koran and whose devotees have very little humor about non-orthodox portrayals of him. It’s better this way to see a bit of humanity or lightness in the Divine. Luke Evans was a very hunky Apollo in the Clash of the Titans remake and Zeus in The Immortals and it did not in any way disturb my pagan sensibilities.
You can find novelty figurines of Buddha on a cel phone, Kali as an angry finger puppet, cartoony Ganeshes, and Buddy Christ (My favorite version). Most of the time there is no malice intended in the depiction.
Lindy-Lou Nicholson
Disrespectful and inappropriate!
Saint Law
@Captain Obvious: “Mocking Jesus and his sacrifice is a-ok for some strange reason.”
Yeah, that sacrifice for which millions have subsequently died.
Saint Law
Jesus was hung.
Tackle
@Xzamilio: Lol at your post. You’re giving yourself way too much credit if you think I’m cowering down to you or anyone else on this site. I did not specifically direct my comment at you because I had you,the writer, and several ( two) other posters in mind. So get over yourself. It’s not all about you.
And you say fictional religious characters: I get it. But others don’t. To them,these fictional religious characters are just as real as your mommy and daddy. That’s the connection…
Chris
@Lindy-Lou Nicholson: Yeah, I know what you mean Lindy-Lou; I liked it too.
Xzamilio
@Tackle: Then that’s the “Rainbow Connection”… as in it’s a stupid parallel. And fictional religious characters aren’t inherently deserving of respect, especially when — LIKE I SAID — have been used to justify countless atrocities and still keep us from progressing as a society. When you have a population who thinks Creationism is more valid than the theory of evolution, then you have a problem. And LIKE I SAID before… come @ me bro. It’s ridiculous that people like you frequent this page and think you can throw dirt in the face of others…the hell do you think this site is all about?
“No wonder we get a reputation for being oversexualized,can’t control yourself perverts.”
Is it that simple? Commenting over the internet makes me an oversexualized pervert that cannot control himself? Methinks thou doth project too much.
Captain Obvious
@Xzamilio: You sound mad, it’s not that serious, kid.
Captain Obvious
@Saint Law: Either you haven’t read the bible or you didn’t understand it…
Jesus died for our sins so that our souls would not perish and we would have everlasting life. That would be the point of the passage. It’s not about the decay of your physical body, as long as your spirit lives, you continue to live on.
Not sure what you think physical death has to do with it considering everybody dies no matter if they’re killed or not. The physical world is meaningless, it’s a playpen, a waiting room for something greater. That’s why your soul is tested, you either get to move on, or start over again(unless you spit in the face of your creator).
Xzamilio
@Captain Obvious: I’m not your kid, dude, and whether I sound angry or whether I have sunshine and rainbows shooting out of my ass, I do love the fact that you didn’t bother responding to a thing I said and directed your bible story over to Saint Law… I guess you realize I know that book to. And your response to him is just absolute nonsense. Why did Jesus have to be brutally murdered? A god that created this vast universe and complex lifeforms saw the only means of atoning for “sin” was through a blood sacrifice of himself… to himself… to save us from the HIS wrath.
And by the way, to assert that our souls — something you have no evidence for — are being tested is to admit that your god is not omniscient and does not know all… I mean, what god tests people when he already knows the outcome? Why even have life if he already knows who is destined for heaven or hell before they are even born? At least this tells me that we are just like everyone else… even we in the LGBT community fall for supernatural nonsense.