Drag Queen Whore-O-Scopes
Horoscopes for November 2014
Scorpio
Happy birthday, Scorpio! Surely you’re familiar with the old adage about the scorpion who asks a friendly frog for a ride across the river, then stings it – and then they both drown? Well, don’t give in to your natural urge to stab a girl in her back this month, hunty! On second thought, fuck it. Let’s face it; nobody wants to hang out with a frog anyway. Carry on, Scorpio. It’s not your fault you’re a shady bitch!
Sagittarius
You are known for being the life of the party but it’s time to calm down, Sagittarius! That shit you pulled at Halloween wasn’t cute. Painting your low-hangers red and dunking them in the apple bobbing barrel might have seemed funny after a fifth of vodka, but your Aunt Nancy is still washing her mouth out.
Capricorn
You might think you’re serving fish, but your astrological sign has the face of a goat for a reason, Capricorn. Take the hint, honey. Leave the bearded queen routine to Conchita Wurst. It’s time for that soup-catcher to go. A blending brush and razor with three blades is your best friend. Perhaps a “No No” Hair Removal device is in order for Christmas?! Check it out: http://buff.ly/1yTogXs
Aquarius
Oh, Aquarius! When they call you the ‘Water Bearer’ this month, it’s only because you’re retaining fluids! Make the most of it and reply to a few Craigslist listings seeking WS. This could be a terrific opportunity to meet new people and expand your sexual horizons, you prude!
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Pisces
Listen, Sensitive Sally, don’t get your manties in a bunch this month. You get bent about almost everything, and that hypersensitivity is about to push even your closest girls to the breaking point. Nobody likes a wet blanket, especially around the holidays, and your inability to laugh at yourself can work a bitch’s puss like no other. They’re not laughing at you, they’re… No, actually, they are laughing at you. So get over it.
Aries
Must it always be about the chase for you Rams? Your bed and ebola are neck-and-neck for body count this year – though ebola is harder to spread than your legs. Slow it down, boo. Give that vaj some time to rest –- and you just might find someone who doesn’t mind a taking a seasoned woman home to meet mom for Christmas. And, yes, in this case “seasoned” means “slut.”
SEE ALSO: Top 10 Drag Makeup Tips From The Fabulous Pollo Del Mar
Taurus
They call you “Bull” for a reason – because you’re full of it! While the denial’s thick, nobody’s buying your claims those pageant judges were “out to get you.” You wore a bridesmaid’s dress from JC Penney in Evening Wear and your talent sucked. The truth will set you free, Honey BooBoo. Spend the cash for a custom gown, learn some choreography and even a brick like you can make the Top 10. Just don’t expect to win. Attitude is everything, girlfriend, but yours won’t take the crown.
Gemini
The Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde routine is wearing thin this month, Gemini. It was one thing when you couldn’t decide whether you were #TeamBianca or #TeamAdore, but now you’re just taking shit to extremes. Being born under the sign of the “Twins” does not give you the right to be such a two-faced bitch! Pick a side and stick to it already.
Cancer
Listen, Crabby Patty, lighten up! So you had another pregnancy scare. Who hasn’t?! Look at the bright side: you wouldn’t have known which member of the football team was the #BabyDaddy! Touchdown for you, Cancer! The good news: It’s nearly the holidays – and things are looking up. There’s a financial windfall right around the corner…just as soon as you raise your RentBoy.com rates.
Leo
Don’t be so cowardly, Lion! Love isn’t going to come looking for you this month, so strap a set on and go on the prowl. Open an OKCupid profile, lie about your stats like everyone else and you’ll have a husband before Christmas. If that fails, become a pen-pal for local prisoners. Death Row inmates have such low expectations of companionship, even you will seem like a catch!
Virgo
Give thanks this month that you haven’t been laid since Pride last summer. It would surely have eaten you with worry and led to unsightly romantic entanglements and heartbreak, Virgo. Though nobody believes it, tell yourself and others you’re saving it for someone special. Unfortunately, the stars say that isn’t happening any time soon. Expect the cobwebs to continue until 2015, lady, because even Santa doesn’t wanna stuff your stockings!
Libra
As the sign representing balance, you’re completely out of it, Libra. Too much Halloween candy and birthday cake has you bloated and feeling uncomfortable. Cut back on the sweets, sweets, or by the time Thanksgiving rolls around, you’ll be bigger than the House your sun sign is in. It’s time for a Hollywood diet, a trip to the gym or some four-way stretch, darlin’. The choice is yours. Choose wisely, or the ‘scales’ will be the last thing you want to look at this month!
SEE ALSO: Watch: Neon Hitch’s Spice Girls ‘Wannabe’ Cover Featuring Pollo Del Mar
About Pollo Del Mar
Named “The (Drag) Queen of All Media” by The Huffington Post, Pollo Del Mar is a Bay Area drag celebutante, emcee, celebrity journalist, columnist and outspoken LGBT activist. She keeps her finger on the pulse of pop culture but never loses track of her White Trash roots!
Catch Pollo perform:
Pollo Del Mar can be found every Sunday night hosting “The GlamaZONE” at The Cafe in San Francisco’s Castro District. Throughout December, she stars as everyone’s favorite St. Olaf native, Rose Nylund, in a staging of “The Golden Girls: Live.”
Connect with Pollo Del Mar
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