Good god

This is quite possibly the most awkward, disgusting first date in the history of mankind

Modern dating can be a frustrating and humiliating process, and individual mileage may vary. Some outliers will even experience waking nightmares that are partly of their own making, such as the following story, which we’ll hesitantly, reluctantly share with you now.

So. How to put this gently? The BBC (of all places) dutifully reports that a young woman threw her own poo out her date’s bathroom window because the toilet “would not flush.”

Related: Professor who heckled Ivanka is receiving feces-covered hate mail

And then? She later tried retrieving that poo and wound up getting wedged between two non-opening windows (despite the fact that she’s an amateur gymnast).

How is this gay news, you ask? Well, this is a universal concern that could potentially impact anyone at anytime, and it’s better that we as a species be informed regardless of our particular sexual proclivities.

Like the proverbial cat trapped in a tree, the young lady eventually had to be rescued by gallant firemen.

The woman in question, who will remain anonymous, claims she “panicked” before throwing her feces out the window.

Liam Smith, the man who happened to be on this doomed date, shared his story on a crowdfunding page to raise funds to fix the broken window.

He claims they were on a Tinder date, and decided to go back to his house.

“We’d had a really nice evening,” he says.

 “We’d had a meal at a well-known chicken restaurant, had a few beers and then gone back to mine for a bottle of wine and a film.”

After his date went to the toilet, she later returned with a “panicked look in her eye” and told him what had gone down.

Apparently, that bathroom window opened into a narrow gap, itself separated by a second glazed window.

“It was into this twilight zone that my date had thrown her poo,” he says.

He tried to find a hammer to break the window, and that’s when she tried to “climb in head first” after her “offending package” and that’s when she became jammed.

“I was starting to grow concerned, so I called the fire brigade and once they had composed themselves, they set to work removing her from the window.”

The woman in question was rescued unhurt, but the bathroom window was wrecked.

“I’m not complaining,” he says. “They did what they had to do.”

“Problem is, I’ve been quoted north of £300 to replace the window and as a postgraduate student, that is a significant chunk of my monthly budget.”

He was only hoping for a target of £200, but he’s already raised over £1,200.

He and his date will donate the remaining money to two charities, one supporting firefighters and one that maintains flushing toilets in third-world countries.

So will there be a second date?

“Who knows what the future holds?” he says.

“We had a lovely night on the second date but it’s too early to say if she’s the one. But we got on very very well and she’s a lovely girl.

And we’ve already got the most difficult stuff out of the way first.”

Has anything half this awkward ever happened to you on a date? Is so, please tell your tale of woe in the comments below.

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8 Comments

  • Kieran

    There will always be an England.

  • Billy Budd

    LOL. And we’ve already got the most difficult stuff out of the way first. LOL

  • ProfessorMoriarty

    “[W]e’ve already got the most difficult stuff out of the way first”… seriously?!

    Oh honey, you need to hang onto this boy for dear life… he’s got to be the most understanding and chill guy on the planet.

  • nitejonboy

    I went on a date with a guy once when I lived in New Orleans…he took me to a friend’s house, introduced me to all his friends whereupon they all gathered around a mirrored table and began cutting and snorting a giant cube of cocaine, as if it was no big thing and ” Everyone does it “. I was not impressed. I’d have rather had the poo incident.

  • Luna1979

    I don’t want to be the one who blames the victim, but he didn’t warn her there was something wrong with his toilet? If she had clogged it then she wouldn’t have anything to throw out the window, so something had to be wrong with it. Damn it, I never thought I’d say any of these things in my life! Their donations need to start at home and get that flush mechanism going.

    • Doug

      The article implied to me that it was too big to flush down the toilet.

  • fredo777

    This reeks of a fake story. How did she get stuck to where he had to send in the fire brigade if his date supposedly came out after pooing looking shifty eyed and telling him what had gone down?

  • Creamsicle

    “…so I called the fire brigade and once they had composed themselves, they set to work…”

    Easily the best line I’ve read all day.

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