A cry for help can take many forms. In the case of one extraordinarily distraught young man, it’s manifested as a desperate letter to The Gay UK.
The problem? After dating for just eight months, the sex between he and his partner has almost completely dried up. As in: “It’s not you, it’s zzzz…”
Related: Gay Guys Are Having More Open Relationships Than Ever
“At first the sex was phenomenal,” he writes, “and on a regular basis nearly every time we were together even 2 to 3 times a night. However, over the last 3/4 months it has rapidly decreased to nearly nothing.”
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Apparently, the unlovebirds have only had sex “like maybe 4-6 times” since May, which “has been rubbish.”
An emergency weekend getaway just led to suspect excuses like “I’m too tired” and “I’m bloated,” which is apparently an excuse.
He’s upset. He likes having sex, but his partner is the withholding sort, at least with him. So what’s a desperate young man to do?
Related: These Guys All Caught Their Boyfriends Cheating. Now What?
A crack team of three different advice columnists tackles the problem head on.
The first one — a certain Jordan Lohan — empathizes because he’s “personally experienced this situation”:
He’s sending out mixed messages and being incredibly controlling by being the one that decides what kind of intimacy you receive and when. Ask him, what does he want from you? Because right now he’s not offering enough to make you happy, feel good about yourself, and feel secure in your relationship, and you should make sure that he knows that in black and white.
Which is not the same as saying, “Break up with him.”
Then someone named Daniel Browne gets involved and offers up his two shiny cents.
“Over time that honeymoon period fizzles out a bit,” he writes to the man who has no sex life after eight months in a relationship.
Whatever the reasons are for your partner’s reduced interest in having sex, it is important to raise the issue and try to discuss it with him. By keeping it bottled up and not having an open conversation about your current situation, you risk becoming resentful and that may turn the issue into something bigger. It’s not often an easy subject to talk to your partner about, but communication is key to resolving things.
Which is not the same as saying,”Break up with him.”
“Whilst sex is an important part of any relationship,” says Paul Szabo, “it is not the most important thing.
Try asking him about what he would like to do in the bedroom – he may be gagging to roll around smothered in peanut butter, but is too embarrassed to ask / talk to you about. Have a chat about your fantasies and start to introduce them….
If all else fails, you need to have a frank chat with him and say that whilst you appreciate it is not everything, sex is important to you and you would like to share such an intimate and personal thing with him. If you don’t want to blurt it out randomly in the advert break of Coronation Street, then agree on a time with him to have a discussion. Don’t frame it as ‘this is your problem and your fault’ – more as ‘you are really important to me and we need to be honest with each other, because I want this relationship to work.'”
Which is not the same thing as saying, “Break up with him and hopefully remain friends while seeking out all the people who actually want to have sex with you.”
Mack
If sex is all the relationship was about then it wasn’t much of a relationship.
Billy Budd
One solution is to ask for a unilateral BJ every night. If the othed boy does not want to have sex he can at least alleviate the urges of his boyfriend. If he denies even a simple bj then he has issues with the relationship.
Ukin Blome
Was the movie “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf” where the line was “When a relationship is on the rocks, the rocks are in the bed?” Some relationships were meant to only last a month. Some relationships were meant to last only 3 months. Some relationships were meant to last a lifetime. When you take a relationship that was meant to last a week and try to stretch it to 6 months you get 5 months and 3 weeks of unhappiness. Let go and move on.
barkomatic
If he hasn’t already talked to him about it then obviously he should and try to arrive at a compromise. 2-3 times a night is on the upper end of the scale IMO but once a month or so is in the opposite extreme. Maybe the other guy just burnt out temporarily. The suggestion that sex isn’t important is ludicrous. If it wasn’t important we’d all still be pretending to be straight.
It sounds like this relationship is over.
TinoTurner
I’ve had this problem….I met a guy who was amazing on paper, good looking, very polite, etc….but the sex chemistry was NOT there. We tried and tried and tried to talk about it like adults but it didn’t work. If you have to work that hard just to have sex, its best to take a loss and move on.
Chris
Sex may be a part of any relationship; but clearly, it is important to this man. So he should either open up the relationship or break up with his boy friend.
Jack Meoff
This sounds like a case of two guys trying desperately not to be single in a situation that started out as a hook up but his since fizzled out because of a lack of chemistry. I think there are a lot of gay couples out there in relationships or convenience because it beats being single. That’s when you get the whole open relationship’ thing going on. Companionship at home but sex in back rooms and gym locker rooms.
Me2
@Ukin Blome: I agree! I’ve tried a few times to turn hot sexual chemistry into a long term relationship and each and every time the sex eventually got boring, usually after a few months, and the “relationship” fizzled. At this point, the best thing for this dude to do is to move on and not drag the relationship out any further because it’s extremely unlikely that their sexual spark will ever be reignited.
Josh447
Unrsolved problems can put out the fire. Boredom. Cheating. Lack of good communication etc. Lack of sex can be a red flag for something much deeper that needs addressing. Get talking boys, about everything, and don’t hold back. Then see where the chips fall.
jag4313
My boyfriend and I usually only have sex once a month or every other month, but we have also been together for 14 years. The sex didn’t really slow down until about 4 years ago when we both got jobs that took up more of our personal time. It’s not ideal only having sex 6 to 8 times a year, but when we do, it’s AMAZING sex.
RIGay
My husband and I have been together for 18 years. When we first met, sex was a multi-times-a-day thing; now it’s once every couple of months, IF neither of us are too tired, or if we wake up with a morning hard-on and a couple of minutes before normal. When we have sex, we have SEX, we make love, we fuck and scream and cum for the whole five minutes, then go back to sleep or get up and start the day.
Sex is not our life, it does not drive our relationship. It’s nice that when we have sex, we’re both present and not needing porn some other stimulus. But being both working, in our 50’s and with a BUTT load of life stresses, sex takes a backseat. The libido takes a ding when you are fretting over mortgage or car payments, job schedule, elder care, or you just put in a 60 hour work week (over and over again). In the end, we go to sleep next together every night and wake up next to each other every morning, and take comfort in that.
If sex is all you want out of a relationship, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your thoughts on participation in the long-term?
UWSguy
Are these guys in high school? How stupid they are
jkthsnk
Sexual compatibility is THE defining component of a physically intimate relationship. Without it you are just good friends. We contort and torture ourselves with justifications and guilt because we are unable to be honest and healthy about our truth, which is that the majority of us are serial monogamists. Stop wasting your time with fairy tales. Real life is so much more enjoyable.
Kangol
If they’ve only been together for a short time and the sex is over, and sex is important to this guy, they should 1) either split and remain friends if they’re otherwise compatible OR 2) discuss an open relationship. It’s one thing if you’ve been in a relationship for 10 or 20 years or have health issues, etc., but after only a few months, if the sex is kaput and one member of the relationship is dissatisfied, either openly discuss and work through it, or walk.
ErikO
They should just break up now and get it over with. I know gay men who have been in sexless marriages for years or even decades and they’re too afraid to break up with their husband and actually find a partner that they are compatible with.
David Bolton
@jag4313: Oh honey, your boyfriend is having sex more than once a month or so. Just not with you.