If trying to out someone is considered bullying, then I might fit into that category, given the fact one of my college teammates somehow caught wind of my secret and tried to tell anyone who would listen. He didn’t care if they were on or off the team. He’s the kind of guy who would probably try to scratch the S off my SAG card and replace it with an F. Fortunately for me, my track record with women along with his lack of evidence wouldn’t allow anyone to believe him. I found out about this a few months after graduating college because no one came to me for verification. He Claimed to have a photo of me at a gay club, problem was at that point in time i have never been to one. Sucks for him.
The part that made me feel good though, in retrospect to finding out that people were told this behind my back, was given the fact that most of my team had been told I was gay, none of them treated me differently or acted weird around me, proof or no proof. Earlier this year after I came out to him, My closest friend on the team at the time who was also my roommate said that the reason he didn’t ask me was because he thought it was disrespectful to me and he loves me like a brother so it didn’t matter either way. That was both shocking and great to hear, because I don’t want people to love or accept me because they think I’m straight or gay. I want people to love me for me because it’s the right thing to do. For now that’s just wishful thinking and I remain the eternal optimist that I am.
In the book A Course in Miracles, it says, “The escape from darkness involves two stages: First, the recognition that darkness cannot hide. This step usually entails fear. Second, the recognition that there is nothing you want to hide even if you could. This step brings escape from fear. When you have become willing to hide nothing, you will not only be willing to enter communion but will also understand peace and joy. Holiness can never be hidden in darkness but you can deceive yourself about it. This deception makes you fearful because you realize in your heart it is deception and you exert enormous efforts to establish its reality.”
I spent many years of my teen and adult life trying to deceive myself and the world to try and establish the darkness as a reality in my life. At one point I thought I would take it to my grave, but as you get older and you mature and you meet people and you fall in love that becomes impossible. It’s when you become willing to hide nothing, that you truly enter into a communion with God, Spirit, The Universe, or whoever you praise, and truly understand peace and joy.
Michael Bernard Beckwith said, “We shall be the angels and agents of change in our society…honoring and respecting one another, calling forth the highest and best in each other. Unique configurations of infinite possibility…that together we shall continue to build a kind and just global society.” This has been the message that has lived inside of me my entire life, from birth, even before I recognized it. I have always been a kind, helpful, and compassionate person, my childhood forgiven. I go out of my way to help friends and strangers alike and sometimes I say things that help people tremendously and I don’t even know where it came from but I know it was right and what they needed to hear.