There’s no user manual to being gay, so until some enterprising dude publishes one, all we can do is heed advice from others in our community.
To that end, hundreds of Reddit users commenters shared words of wisdom after one person asked for the “unspoken rules that every gay guy should know.”
Here are some of their responses, edited for brevity and readability… and judiciously censored for mixed audiences!
“Communicate, and don’t assume that you are on the same page or that anything should be considered ‘common sense’ and doesn’t need to be addressed.”
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“Do. Not. Fall. For. A. Straight. Guy.”
“When a straight guy is being nice to you, it doesn’t automatically mean he wants to have sex with you. ”
“Just because he’s screwing you doesn’t mean he loves you.”
“Don’t even begin to crush on someone unless you know for a fact that you have a chance. … This will save you a lot of heartbreak.”
“Always keep good people and friends in your life. A good friend is worth so much. A great friend is worth their weight in gold.”
Related: Redditors offer tips for befriending other gays
“If you only make friends with potential sexual partners, you will miss out on many amazing relationships.”
“It’s not a compliment when someone says, ‘You don’t look gay,’ and you should never take it as one.”
“If you cheat, be prepared to be hated for not just months but for decades.”
“Sh*t happens. Just get comfortable with it.”
“When relating to older gays, remember that’s going to be you sooner than you think.”
“Don’t bang your coworkers or boss.”
“If you see someone on Grindr, you don’t mention [in public settings] that you saw them on Grindr. Ever.”
Related: What makes an effective Grindr profile? These guys say…
“This is not gay specific, but consent. Not just regarding intercourse itself, but also every other specific, non-vanilla action. Disclose kinks beforehand.”
“Openly ask your man what gets him off. You’ll be surprised.”
“When you think you’ve applied enough lube, add more.”
“D*cks come in various shapes and sizes, and they can all be amazing. Don’t obsess about the size as the only thing that is important.”
“Just ‘cause we’re all gay doesn’t mean we want to f*ck you.”
“Do not out anyone. Always keep a condom on your person. If a guy says no, don’t touch his d*ck. Ask first before you send a d*ck pic.”
“Do not out anyone, and that applies to HIV status, also.”
“I think queer people in general—but especially gay men—should know more about queer history.”
“World domination meetings for the Gay Agenda is on Thursdays.”
Covid Hermit
“Just because he’s screwing you doesn’t mean he loves you.”
Learned that one the hard way…
“When you think you’ve applied enough lube, add more.”
Never were truer words spoken…
“D*cks come in various shapes and sizes, and they can all be amazing. Don’t obsess about the size as the only thing that is important.”
Size really is less important than what he can do with what he has.
ShiningSex
Size queens are annoying. They think all big d*cks can f*ck. WRONG!!!
My ex was large and was horrible in bed. Spent too many years with him than I should.
My husband has a very nice piece and can f*ck!!!!
CityguyUSA
Actually width is the better dimension.
JTinToronto
“When you think you’ve applied enough lube, add more.”
Tops: some of you really need to learn this, spit and shove doesn’t always work. And take it slow (at first).
“I think queer people in general—but especially gay men—should know more about queer history.”
Your life, hard as you may think it is some times, is a lot easier than it might have been because of those who came before you who battled for rights and acceptance that you could be taking for granted.
jt1990
I find the lube advice especially helpful for tax season. I’m no billionaire, but the IRS sure likes to f-k me like one!
ShiningSex
There are no rules to being gay.
However, our community needs to stop using terms like “straight acting”.
Gay men need better taste in fashion. It dropped off a long time ago. Most look the same. The douche look is out. Hollister is a horrible brand. Stop trying to look the same. Maybe try not dating a person that looks exactly like you as well. Ewww. STOP with the horrible music tastes too. LOL. (hint: RuPaul’s music is horrible and you know it is). LOL!!!
Learn the history of the gay movement. You may not think it’s important and IT IS. Life isn’t just about getting laid and partying. Gay protests against hate and ignorance doesn’t seem to happen like it used to and now look what’s happening in many states. Why isn’t anything being done? We need to get back out onto the streets and stop the hate against our community. ALL OF OUR COMMUNITY!!!!
Rikki Roze
Agree on the fashion and music comments. Also, Gay History 101 should be a requirement for coming out.
TBH
I have always chuckled to myself when i saw somebody wearing a T shirt with HOLLISTER across the front of it. When i went to nursing school in the mid 70s Hollister was the best known brand of colostomy bags.
soojeong
agree
Mr. Stadnick
Thanks for mentioning bad music! I have never been able to spend much time in a gay bar for that very reason. 99% of the music is dreadful and the same in every bar or club.
bachy
A gay influencer’s picture-perfect life on Instagram doesn’t equal a good life, or a good person. It only indicates a thirst for attention and a talent for self-promotion.
linedrive
This! Stop comparing yourself and your life to a heavily-edited version of someone else’s life.
RandomGuy
Don’t make being gay the focus of your entire life.
dario717
Shady is as shady does.
winemaker
Great ideas but sadly there’s something missing: be nice to everyone, even the ones you don’t want to sleep with as doing this makes your day much better and less stressful.. it’s amazing how well gay guys treat those they want to have sex with and are their type yet they can be some of the most obnoxious nasty and rude men when you’re not their type. Be polite instead of rude and nasty when someone asks you out if you’re not interested. It never ceases to amaze me how some men can’t just say, thanks but no thanks in a polite and respectful manner and instead treat the other guy with attitude. Sadly a lot of these men will end up old and alone crying ‘why can’t I have a boyfriend’. And don’t make being gay the focus of your life. Being gay is what you are, and shouldn’t be your life obsession
Jaquelope
Unfortunately, even those who treat others with respect and civility often become an age when they ask, “Why can’t I get a boyfriend?” too. Is it because they aren’t everyone’s “type”, or they’re not a slut? These guys might not be super experienced but there are other things they might be able to teach you, and are not all Sugar Daddies, either, but will treat you with love and respect that we all deserve and need.
barryaksarben
DO NOT IGNORE BASIC MANNERS WHEN INTRODUCED TO A GUY JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THEM. It shows a lack of character. And remember KINDNESS is HOT. AND never stay silent when homophobic ahole spouts off. HONOR your gay elders and drag queens. COME OUT! At work and at home. I did it in the 70s so you are free to do it now. TELL YOUR FAMILY that you are not a “special” different unicorn kind of a gay and that you are like all of us so they cant just love 1 gay and hate the rest. DONT CHEAT – I have seen so many wonderful relationships destroyed by it. Talk to your lover about what you want sexually, dont be shy about it
DHT
“Honor your drag queens”? You got to be kidding, I enjoy watching them perform as much as anyone but most of those guys are nasty as hell and will do anything for a laugh at someone else’s expense. They get honored by getting paid. And also, while I am at it, people come out in there own time. By writing that you seem like the kind of guy who would out someone, which is actually a homophobic act.
andrewl
To thine self be true. Treat everyone as you would hope to be treated. These golden rules apply to everyone regardless of their sexuality. So if I had a specific gay rule it would be don’t waste your youth on being insecure about your looks! You are beautiful and eventually it will most likely fade so enjoy it while you can!
DHT
#1 unwritten rule, never leave your drink unattended in a gay bar.
jbrown84
Don’t assume that asian guys are bottoms.
robertkalin
Don’t forget this unspoken rule: We all promise each other….when you die, a group of gay men will go to your house/apt. and remove all the sex toys/objects BEFORE your family members arrive to start going through your effects. (My friend’s cousin refused to let us do that and she found out the hard way about his kinks…..)
alexpof
“You don’t look gay” IS certainly a compliment for a lot of us