going once, going twice...

You’d pay to do WHAT with Andrew Garfield??? Gay Twitter™ reveals celebrity paypig kinks via auction meme

By · Updated on September 19, 2023
Andrew Garfield in ‘Mainstream’ | Image Credit: IFC Films

Desperate times call for desperate social media activity…

If you haven’t noticed, the celebrities are awful quiet recently—and for good reason! Since June, members of the SAG-AFTRA actors’ union have been striking alongside the writer’s guild (WGA), fighting for fair pay in this lop-sided streaming era that’s made producers and executives of the major studios increasingly wealthy while everyone else is struggling to make a living wage.

One unexpected side effect of this is that our celebrity-obsessed internet culture is left spinning its wheels. Without the regular rotation of press tours, we don’t have moments like Lady Gaga repeatedly referencing “100 people in a room,” or Chris Pine maybe spitting on Harry Styles to distract us from our day-to-day lives.

So it should be no surprise that the internet immediately jumped on the news that a number of big Hollywood names are coming together with The Union Solidarity Coalition for a charity auction where they’re selling off specific services to the highest bidder—with all proceeds going to production crew members whose healthcare benefits are at risk during the strike.

It’s the sheer randomness of what’s up for auction that seems to have caught Gay X Gay Twitter™’s attention. For example, did you know you could bid on an opportunity to have But I’m A Cheerleader‘s Natasha Lyonne solve the New York Times crossword with you? To have Parks And Recreation‘s Adam Scott walk your dog for an hour? Or to have Love Is Strange‘s John Lithgow paint a watercolor of your pet?

We’re also particularly interested in the opportunity to go on a West Hollywood bar crawl with actress Dolly De Leon, of Triangle Of Sadness Fame—an icon! Anyone want to go in on the bid with us?

The auction has so immediately captured the social platform’s collective imagination that it’s already birthed a new meme wherein folks are inventing fake services to bid on featuring their favorite (and least favorite) stars.

But we didn’t expect it to get so kinky so quickly!

You see, while inventing services that they’d pay a lot of money for, people are basically telling on themselves and revealing their deepest celebrity paypig fantasies. For example…

How much is too much to have Hayden Christensen spit in your mouth?

What would you pay to have Andrew Garfield *checks notes* smash a laptop on your tits?

Or, for those with more “innocent” kinks: How much would you pay to have Ben Whishaw lull you to sleep with his soft English accent as he reads Paddington stories?

But not all of the jokes are quite so lustful. Gay Twitter™ has taken the meme and ran with it—as Gay Twitter™ is wont to do—creating fake auctions around their favorite characters actresses (naturally!) and other ridiculously niche jokes and references that only the most terminally online gays will understand.

Scroll down below to read a few of our favorites that have had us cackling:

Oh and speaking of that time we all thought Chris Pine spit on Harry Styles… anyone want to go halfsies so we can finally get the tea?

Related:

Gay Twitter™ sounds off on movies that needed more “detailed, graphic” M4M sex scenes

Let the people boink!

Don't forget to share:

Help make sure LGBTQ+ stories are being told...

We can't rely on mainstream media to tell our stories. That's why we don't lock Queerty articles behind a paywall. Will you support our mission with a contribution today?

Once Monthly Annually

Cancel anytime · Proudly LGBTQ+ owned and operated