We may live in a time when gays and lesbians are allowed to serve openly in the military, but that certainly doesn’t mean coming out is everyone’s choice.
For one gay former special ops soldier and current overseas contractor, living a double life has been a more attractive choice than unifying his work/personal identities.
And while he maintains the separation is right for him (and who are we to say he’s wrong?), that much compartmentalizing can’t always be easy.
Below, he answers questions from curious minds online:
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When/how did you realize you were gay? Does your family know?
I always new I was different. Through high school, a lot of people thought I was shy, boring or introverted and what not but in reality I just wasn’t interested in girls. I had a high school girlfriend, but that was because that’s just what you did in high school. After we graduated, we got married because that’s what everyone else was doing. Shockingly, it didn’t last! My first experience wasn’t until my early 20’s. It was a very confusing time for me, because I felt like I “shouldn’t” like guys. I dealt with a lot of different emotions and there was definitely an internal struggle that didn’t subside until I was able to come to terms and accept who and how I was. Even then though, I never wanted to be defined by my sexuality, so I never “came out.” I always wanted my reputation to be: “yeah, he is a solid dude..” Not “yeah, he is a solid dude…..for a queer/homo/gay/swish/etc” All that being said, living a double life and keeping secrets isn’t healthy, psychology or emotionally, but that’s just the price I felt and feel like I have to pay. It’s a trade off that I think is worth it. My father passed away a number of years ago, but my mother and siblings know. They have come to accept it, but I don’t rub their noses in it.
Are you proud of what you do or do you simply view it as a job?
Yes, I took a lot of pride in what I did and still do. Part of it is being a professional and wanting to do a good job. Part of it is that I believed in the mission. A large part of it is that I loved the guys I served with. They were and are my brothers.
How do u control your face to not betray your emotions?
For example, when you see a hot dude you might bite your lip for a second, then be like ‘Oh shit I hope no one caught me’?
I’ve always been good at compartmentalizing things. When I’m “at work” or “out with the guys” I just keep it locked down and stay in character, so to speak. The reason for that has always been my desire to be associated with being a professional and keeping my private life private.
Also, I’ve never been attracted to a guy I’ve served with, who I consider my brothers. Being attracted to one of them would be similar to being attracted to a sibling, if that makes sense.
Do the guys you date ever try and pressure you to come out?
No, I haven’t been in many LTR’s. Mostly brief flings during vacation or it’s been casual and/or discreet.
How do you go about picking up dudes discretely?
Back in the day, it was harder. Now, with online dating, it’s pretty easy. If I could get away or was on vacation, go to a bar or club.
Is you preference Twinks, Bears or it doesn’t matter?
Not into Bears, other than that it’s really about the connection. It may be conceited, but if someone isn’t in to me, I lose interest quickly.
Are you, or have you ever been in a LTR while keeping it a secret?
Yes and it is exhausting, but necessary.
I wanna a six pack. Tips?
Your body comp is 80% nutrition, so get that dialed in and you should be good to go. Stay in a caloric deficit. I’d recommend Paleo and Crossfit, but I’m biased. There are a ton of physique competitors that post composition prep diets and workouts and they will all work.
Aromaeus
This is pretty sad to be honest. Why would anyone want to live like that. This guy still has a long way to go to accepting himself. I don’t buy this compartmentalizing bs or keeping my private life private crap. People talk about their personal lives with their co-workers. If you consider the guys you work with brothers than you should be able to be open with them like you would your biological family. It just doesn’t come off like he’s as okay with himself as he seems to think.
Jim Philbrick
His life seems really sad
Jamie Robillard
Who cares????
Victor Martinez
Full of shame and guilt. That’s no way to live!
Max Rafael Aranguiz Astudillo
His greatest regret will come in later years when he realizes how he wasted his life in his secret game where the only loser will be himself.
Raphael
@Aromaeus: Couldn’t agree more
Atomicrob
Just one story in the spectrum of tales about how one deals with one’s sexuality. I found it neither sad nor great, just is what it is and he seems fine with it.
o.codone
Why are you saying this guy is closeted? The norm in the world is not to discuss your sexual interests with your co-workers, not the other way around. Nobody needs to know what he does in bed and peoples sexual behaviors should not be what defines them as a person, a worker, a team member. Keep that shit to yourself. That’s not closeted, that’s normal. Why it is that gays want everybody to know first about them is their sexual preferences is beyond me. It’s pervy to put your personal sexual preferences ahead of your other qualifications, your personality, your career or personal goals, your hobbies. For real the first thing you say is “I suck dick, how about you, what do you like”?, God, that’s so 70’s. Proselytizing gays just need to STFU. Leave it. Nobody wants to know that about you.
Scott Redner
Let him be him and you be you…
RomanHans
@o.codone: “Why are you saying this guy is closeted?”
Same reason we’re saying you’re an idiot. We know what sh!t means.
Masc Pride
@Atomicrob: +1
Everyone’s path is different. This community really needs to learn there is no universal way to happiness for all gay and bisexual men. What works for one may make another miserable.
Bauhaus
“When I’m “at work” or “out with the guys” I just keep it locked down and stay in character, so to speak.”
I’ll bet his straight comrades don’t, why should he?
@o.codone:
What he does in bed is his business (private). Sexual orientation is innate. Is being straight a private issue, or do they routinely discuss girls, wives, family, home, and children?
Spike
I was waiting for the part where he mentioned taking part in a gay bashing with his bros, then hooked up with the victim a week later. This guy totally thinks he addressing his sexual identity in a normal and healthy way and he couldn’t be more wrong.
NoCagada
“I always new I was different.”
HUH?
Masc Pride
@Spike: The “victim” would be a willing participant in said hook up as well, no?
Daniel Moroni
Wooof, THAT’S HIT. You go guys.
Daniel Moroni
Daniel Moroni
Hot.
Karrnal
It’s truly insulting of the interviewer to wonder if the Marine has to hide his reaction when he sees “a hot dude.” Is every homosexual eternally on the cruise? Do we size up every man we see? No, we deal with most men with non-sexual responses. It’s like, Grow Up!
parrjj03
He needs to accept himself.
The military is a surprisingly accepting place for LGBT. My husband is in the Air Force and we are both in Germany. Not one bad thing has happened or even said to us.
Brent Labee
a closeted military man. how can this be? Pee-wee Herman
john.k
@Bauhaus: It may not be normal to discuss the intimate details of your sex life with work colleagues but that doesn’t mean guys don’t talk about their wives and girlfriends. When the firm I work for had a dinner to celebrate 30 years in business everyone was invited to bring their husbands, wives, girlfriends and boyfriends. I brought my boyfriend.
john.k
Sorry Bauhaus, my comment was meant for o.codone.
BadBoyTKF
Why is it that so many gay men think they know what’s right for another person? Just seems to me that many of the people who respond to articles on Queerty, are very negative and/or judgmental. Are people really that miserable in life that they have to trash others? You want to be accepted by others, but just so quick to judge others. Perhaps it’s just me.
Kevan1
@BadBoyTKF: You speak the truth.(Example)JAMIE ROBILLARD:
“Who cares????) I think it was. Maybe Some people are more sad off than the soldier in this story,
laurent7465
@BadBoyTKF: No, it is not just you. I find the audience here to be especially negative, mean spirited and just down right unhappy people. I try not to read any comments on here, but I was curious on how people would react to this story. Best to just read the stories and pass on the comments.
o.codone
Queerty has gotten down with some serious editing recently. They edit me unless I talk only about bluebirds and roses. My good stuff simply doesn’t appear. I’ve noticed several of my peers have disappeared as well, so my point is that Queerty appears to be changing the focus of the comment section from negative to at least neutral. Time will tell if that’s a good move or not. I love bluebirds and roses.
ronnierocks
Kudos to the gay soldier!! He knows what’s up, important, & how to prioritize putting his “mission” for our country ahead of your “agenda” for selfish gay identity. WHO CARES WHO IS STRAIGHT OR GAY???
DCguy
@BadBoyTKF:
Oh No, Judgement! Boo Hoo Hoo! Meanies!
Trust me, the commenters on her aren’t half as miserable as the guy that this article is about. Being out is legal in the military. It is his own hang-ups that are keeping him in the closet.
Oh wait, I judged him, I guess that means I must be so miserable and sad! Nope, just tired of people who make things harder on the rest of the community by buying in to all of the bigotry.
BadBoyTKF
@DCguy: Yup, you’re the type I’m talking about. Until you’ve walked in someone else’s shoes, perhaps you should refrain from making judgement on someone else. You get out of life what you put into it. Being negative doesn’t gets you nowhere. Good luck.
BadBoyTKF
@BadBoyTKF: Meant to say that being negative doesn’t get you anywhere.
Lookyloo
@ronnierocks: Ha. You think straight soldiers don’t openly talk with their comrades in the field about their girlfriends, wives, dates, or random weekend hookups?
You think straight solders doing that is de-prioritizing their mission and making their ‘agenda’ about a selfish straight identity?
I BET NOT.
If you REALLY didn’t care who was straight or who was gay – you wouldn’t have a separate set of rules-of-behavior in your head for gay soldiers to be considered good soldiers.
Walker
He doesn’t sound like an especially deep thinker…”compartmentalizing” is generally a nice way of saying “non-introspective.” Which is fine, of course, in most cases, but it disturbs me a bit to think that we’re sending out heavily armed people with the power to kill who avoid actually thinking about stuff.
Walker
Also, exactly where did Queerty find this? It’s not cool to quote something without linking back or citing its origin. Really, really not cool. And no, simply tagging it “Reddit” doesn’t count.
jamih
@Walker: It’s fake.
hurtingwife
Whats even worse about this article is, yes some his facts he changed for anonymity, but worse yet……..he was my best friend for 23 years and highschool sweetheart. We have 3 beautiful kids, and what I always thought to be a marriage that was meant to make people sick. He has destroyed me.