Now that ex-gays are beginning to come into the queer light, realizing the harm they’ve done and recanting their previously poorly held beliefs, it’s time they start doing some good. Luckily, everyone loves a comeback, but if Hollywood has taught us anything, that only happens after a lengthy rehab session. Or six (hey Lindsay, we’re not judging…that much). While Alan Chambers isn’t going to appear in The Canyons any time soon, here are eight ways he and his kind can begin easing down the long roads towards public redemption.
Check out Queerty’s tips for ex-ex-gays to rehab their images.
Apologize for Generally Being The Worst
Ex heads of Exodus, the world’s preeminent ex-gay ministry (so they’re ex-Ex-ex-gays) Alan Chambers and Randy Thomas apologized for hurting LGBT people with their brand of batshit crazy. While that in no way makes up for the harm they caused, it’s at least a baby step in the right direction.
Campaign to Ban Reparative Therapy
But it’s not enough to say “I’m sorry” — they ought to address the dangerous and debunked practice of reparative therapy. Several states have already passed bans on gay conversion therapy on youth, including New Jersey and California, but there’s been a fair share of opposition.
Put Your Money Where You Mouth Is
That also means throwing money at that and other pro-LGBT causes — lots of it. But it’s okay, because that’s just the money they squeezed out of misguided homosexuals and/or their parents. It’s sort of like gaying it backward.
Come Out Already
Grab the hatchet and start swinging away at that closet door. Ex-gays should learn to be honest with themselves for a change, like John Paulk. He no doubt looked in the mirror one day and saw that bottle blond hair, saw the beard on his face and by his side on that old cover of Newsweek, his wife Ann, and said, ‘who am I kidding?’ No one, queen. No one.
Let Go Of Letting God
It’s certainly possible to be openly gay and openly religious, whether you’re Mormon, Muslim, Jewish, Catholic, or what have you. But as with all things, religion is best in moderation. It’s most effective when used as a guide to helping one live a better life, not as a literal interpretation of how things should be. If that was the case, everyone would have one eye and a bunch of slaves.
Take a Dick
Honestly, just get laid. Spending years of one’s life denying the most basic and natural of urges would make anyone a complete douchebag. If these ex-ex-gays simply release that tension and hopped on the first man that paid them even the slightest bit of attention at the gayborhood bar, they’d have a completely different outlook on life. And a pep in their step.
Spread the Gay Gospel
A lot of these prominent ex-ex-gays were great at getting people together — at least figuratively — so why not use their talents to spread the good gay word about acceptance, marriage equality, trans equality, and all the other issues they stomped on along the way?
Guest Host Chelsea Lately
Hey, it worked for Lindsay.