With “Lost Classics,” Queerty veers beyond what sometimes feels like an obsessive fixation with Nick Jonas, James Franco, Zac Efron, and other pop personalities to write about gay songs, films, performers, and artifacts you may have overlooked, never been exposed to, or are perhaps ready to revisit. This week: “If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up),” performed by Vanity 6, written by Prince, and so camp it’s positively life-affirming.
Related: This Song Pokes Fun At Crystal Queens, Circuit Queens, And Bottoms. Don’t Miss It.
A man’s life can be neatly divided into two parts: The empty, listless existence he had before hearing “If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up)” and the satisfied, totally self-actualized life he’ll lead after hearing “If A Girl Answers (Don’t Hang Up.)”
Nothing we say or do can ultimately prepare you for the moment you first hear these lyrics: “If I wasn’t a lady, I’d take my money…And buy U a brand new face… Then I’d take my underwear and stick it in your mouth…And U’d love it cuz U got no taste.”
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Related: If Prince Was A Homophobe, What Does That Make You?
So have your “Nasty Girl.” Keep your goddamn “Sex Shooter.” For us, the ultimate Vanity 6 song is the this funky, hallucinogenically ludicrous diss track that inexplicably casts Morris Day as “the other woman,” Vanity as a jilted lover, and Brenda Bennett as… hard to say what Brenda is doing, except owning the song. Everyone sounds so high, you’re bound to get sympathetic nasal drip while listening.
Why we don’t hear this every time we go out, we don’t know. Let’s fix that. (Beats “Show Me Love”.)
This is one Prince-penned song that mustn’t be lost to obscurity. Please help.
A_latin_1
That’s not Morris Day’s voice that’s Prince’s voice.
SeijnSei
These people are clearly unfamiliar with his catalogue. “Vibrator” is way filthier then this.
Brian
Like Michael Jackson, Prince was intent on portraying himself as a heterosexual. This is a common marketing strategy in the homophobic music business.
Blacks are very guilty of this.
JerseyMike
@Brian: “BLACKS” have enough to worry about being black..
JerseyMike
Darling Nikki, soft and wet, little red corvett.. most of Prince’s music was very se**ual.
JerseyMike
@JerseyMike: corvette
Brian
Prince was a sleazeball who rode the coat-tails of the sleazy 80’s, the decade that gave us AIDS and destroyed many gay men’s lives.
It was actually a very homophobic decade. There were no openly gay American music acts in the charts, sleazy success at the commercial music level was reserved for the sleazy straight guy and his bisexual female enabler. In other words, only women could say they were bisexual and get away with it.
This double standard still exists today.
A_latin_1
@SeijnSei: Exactly and once again that’s his voice as the shop attendant. “Body massager? Please!”
Snickerbar Brown
Check the songs “Let’s pretend we’re married” & “Sister” !!!
DCguy
@Brian:
So Brian, clarify, you do or do not like the song?
And Queerty, you have banned people in the past for never talking about the actual topic of the post and always trying to change the comments to a round about attack in lgbts. ………just saying. 😉
n900mixalot
@Brian: “Blacks,” are you SERIOUS?! “Blacks” don’t run the entertainment industry or the sports industry. “Blacks” don’t control the media. “Blacks” are reflecting what these industries allow to be portrayed based on what the non “blacks” determine is there appropriate depiction.
I’ve had it with your sick, nonsensical garbage rants, and I can’t believe you are allowed to exist on here. But that’s what Queerty wants, I guess. To provide a place where people like you are allowed to harass everyone.
Not cool, Queerty.
n900mixalot
@Brian: Oh and the appropriate line here is “go take a bath in puke.” -Vanity 6
Brian
@n900mixalot: Blacks are over-represented in the music charts.
I am sick and tired of sleazy black performers being given a pass just because they’re black. Prince was one such sleaze.
SeijnSei
@Brian:
Prince was THOROUGHLY heterosexual. lol He portrayed himself as he was. A confident sexy midget who got more pussy then a vets office.
ErikO
@Brian: Prince was quasi homophobic at least in the early 00s when he would talk about being Jehova’s Witness and about marriage between a woman and man.
ErikO
@Brian: I remember reading an interview with Prince from the late 70s when he said he was bisexual. Jackson was a pedo and extremely wealthy and would pay off the parents of his victims. Before everyone knew or suspected him of being a pedo everyone thought Jackson was gay.