Let’s say you have your wedding coming up (a lifelong dream, congrats) and you want to invite all of the Republican presidential candidates. First of all, are you insane? And second of all, that’s not going to be an easy task. Lately they’ve been racing around the country courting nutjob billionaires while tying themselves in knots (pun intended) trying to explain whether or why they would attend a hypothetical wedding same-sex couple.
And it’s easy to see why they are literally doing verbal contortions on this one. There’s the political stance that appeals to the base: boycott everything and anything gay. And then there’s the human position: How could one possibly deny a friend your attendance at such a monumental event, one that even the most ardent conservatives are going to enjoy no more than four times in their adult lives. (Well, that’s the Newt Gingrich standard at any rate.)
Apparently attending a friend’s same-sex wedding is the new litmus test for compassionate conservatism, for some reason. It kind of sucks that our weddings are being used as political footballs, but then we never could resist a man in a uniform.
So who’s said they’d attend a gay wedding, and who would refuse? We’ve rounded up their responses here, in the hopes of streamlining your RSVPs.
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This jerk called gay parents “a social experiment,” so you probably wouldn’t want him there anyway. But if you absolutely have to invite him, he would probably show up, and then proceed to make an ass of himself:
Yeah, if it’s somebody in my life that I love and care for, of course, I would. I’m not going to hurt them simply because I disagree with a choice they’ve made…
Ugh oh thank you Marco for showing up to a wedding to insult the couple with your condescension. Way to go!
“A real danger to our country” is how Ted Cruz referred to gay and lesbian couples in love, so he’s probably not the right guy to ask to give a toast. Here’s what he said about attending your wedding:
Well, I will tell you, I haven’t faced that circumstance. I have not had a loved one go to a, have a gay wedding.
You know what, Ted? It’s more than likely that you have in fact had a friend or family member throw a gay wedding. They probably just didn’t tell you.
Oh Christ, this prick. We almost forgot about him and his “oops” issue in the last election cycle. Here’s how he answered the question:
Probably.
Uh, okay, thanks Rick. So, should we put you down for the chicken dinner or the fish, or are you just going to stand in the parking lot and hand out flyers about how we’re an abomination? Make up your mind!
As far as we know, he hasn’t been asked the question directly, but it’s a pretty sure bet that he would not in fact attend a gay wedding. We certainly know his father, Ron Paul, would decline. Here’s what Rand said about marriage equality in general:
Ultimately, we could have fixed this a long time ago if we just allowed contracts between adults. We didn’t have to call it marriage, which offends myself and a lot of people.
So, yeah, probably not worth your time to send him any info about where you’re registered. Funny thing is, Rand claims to be a libertarian, which should mean the government should stay out of marriage altogether and that it should be a private contract. But, noooooo.
Jeb Bush
Seriously, you want to invite this clown to your wedding? Hey, it’s your life.
He hasn’t said whether or not he’d attend a hypothetical gay wedding. In fact he dodged the question. What does it say when someone wants to be president of the United States but can’t answer a simple question?
But he did say this:
I believe in traditional marriage.
So, if he attends, he’ll probably want to make sure the bride is a virgin, and that the groom claims her maidenhead after the ceremony.
John Kasich
Good news, queers: John Kasich is coming to your wedding. He’ll be there with bells on, if by “bells” you mean angry thoughts about how the proceedings are completely illegitimate.
In an interview with CNN, the Ohio governor confessed that he’s going to be attending a gay wedding at some point in the future:
Just because you’re opposed to something doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your friends, other human beings. My friend knows how I feel about the issue, but I’m not here to have a war with him. I care about my friend, and so it’s pretty simple for me….It’s pretty simple. I care about him. He cares about me. He invited me to something. I’m going to go do it. It’s not that complicated.
What a lucky friend!
Oh, and the good gov admitted that he was only going because his wife, who loves her gays, declared that she was going with or without her husband.
Scott Walker
Scott Walker’s way ahead of you! He’s already been to a gay wedding. Well, not a wedding, exactly … a reception. But he went! And he probably danced a little bit, and admired the ice swan, helped himself at the buffet, and then went up to the two brides to congratulate them and remind them that he thinks they’re making a huge mistake.
Even though my position on marriage is still that its defined as between a man and a woman, and I support the constitution of the state. But for someone I love, we’ve been to a reception.
And then after he left, the two brides tried to figure out whose side of the family he’s on, and whose idea it was to invite the jerk, and oh God are we going to have to see him every Thanksgiving from now on?
Rick Santorum
Bad news, gays: Rick Santorum is not available to serve as your ring bearer. After all, he believes that your wedding will somehow lead to the “destruction of our Republic.” He must mean his republic, the religious right version of the republic, because clearly he’s not including us.
He did say this about a friend or family member getting married:
I would love them and support them. I would not participate in that ceremony.
Okay so does Rick not know what the word “support” means? Or does he mean he would financially support them, like, he’d pay for their honeymoon?
By the way, Rick has a huge family — five sons, four daughters — so it’s pretty much definite that he’s got at least one queer kid/grandkid. Must be comforting for them to know that they don’t have to worry about their dad interfering in their wedding day. (Confidential note to Rick’s gay kids/grandkids: when you’re ready to come out, the LGBT community will be here to love you and support you. To really love you and support you, unconditionally and far more than your dad ever has.)
So raise a glass to the GOP presidential candidates. Working every day to hurt your wedding and get Hillary elected.
aliengod
Who cares! Is the question of if our President would attend our “gay wedding” really the top issue at hand? I think not. I happen to think that many of the issues Rand Paul is talking about are of much more interest to me than “gay weddings”. My hope is that the next President we elect is most interested in downsizing our government and lessening it’s intrusion in our daily lives.
BJ McFrisky
@aliengod: Well said. A leader needs to lead, not pander.
Giancarlo85
@aliengod: Downsizing the government? Oh yeah? You mean downsizing the education and healthcare budgets while plumping up the military budget? Rand Paul is a joke and he is also a liar.
None of these Republicans are leaders and they all pander to the military industrial complex. And if you think Rand Paul will do something differently you are wrong.
I vote on a variety of issues and none of these asshat Republicans have a clue. All of their policies would drive this country to a depression, especially Rand Paul. And lessening government intrusion in our lives? Why the hell would you vote for Rand Paul then? Do you even read what he believes in?
Libertarians are a joke. They just don’t get it. Lessening government as they have done in Spain, for example, has lengthened the deep recession. Austerity does not work.
Giancarlo85
@BJ McFrisky: And who is going to do that? A Republican lmao? Because the last three Republican presidencies have ended up in recessions and wars.
You are nothing more than a parrot and sock puppet.
Rob Moore
The answer to the quiz is NONE. What self respecting gay or lesbian couple would want to invite them? It’s supposed to a joyous celebration, and I could not imagine anything short of a natural disaster that would ruin the mood.
Bauhaus
@aliengod:
Dear, you’ll never have a wedding, so I get you have no fret over Presidents not attending “our gay wedding”. It just won’t ever be an issue for you.
Of course you like Paul, he’s an anti-gay pig.
OhHellNo
Like we’d have any of these losers at our wedding.
Cagnazzo82
@aliengod: It’s funny that people still believe in this fantasy of small government somehow being synonymous with an efficient government.
When will people learn?
Giancarlo85
@Bauhaus: What I don’t get is gay people who say “I vote on many issues and gay marriage isn’t the top issue”. Okay, but why would anyone vote Republican? These guys aren’t leaders, they don’t have any good ideas and all of what they propose is incredibly harmful to this country.
Rand Paul proposes some disgusting economic and domestic policy viewpoints.
My point is this… If someone was so concerned about the economy or government efficiency, why the hell would they ever vote Republican?
Bauhaus
@Giancarlo85:
I’ve spent some time thinking about the very question you posed. I can only think of two reasons to support or vote for the modern Republican Party: meanness and avarice.
Carlos Zuniga
What self respecting gay would have any of these traitors as friends in the first place?
Giancarlo85
@Bauhaus: True. I have spent a lot of time going through the views of the republican party, trying to find anything good and I just can’t.
Nothing they propose would help anyone. And that idea about “reducing the size of government” is just downright stupid. The whole notion is stupid. We need government. By the way, don’t even get me started on the history of the internet or most technology we use. GOVERNMENT FUNDED JUST ABOUT ALL OF IT… even advancements by the private sector were often done on government grants and funding.
Those freeways you drive on everyday? Eisenhower initiated one of the biggest public works projects in the history of this nation.
People who scream for smaller government are often the most ignorant and dangerous. What about the EPA? They want to destroy what’s left of that agency. They want the entire country looking like West Virginia (remember the massive chemical spill that contaminated water for hundreds of thousands?). And the IRS is another one of their big targets. The IRS is absolutely necessary because the government needs tax revenues to operate.
I just scratch my head at the stupidity of these small government, small minded people.
Xzamilio
@BJ McFrisky: They all pander and you know it…
NateOcean
And then all eight Republican candidates got together for a giant circle jerk!
Well, seven actually. Santorum said he instead prefers it “hot and juicy up the rear”.
AtticusBennett
they’d much rather their own gay kids commit suicide. they’d rather attend a closeted gay person’s funeral, than their own kids openly-gay wedding.
which is why McFrisky and aliengod are siding with the repubs: both of those trolling cowards could drop dead today and the only reason their fathers would shed a single tear would be at the thought of wasting money to pay for the funeral of a son they’ve only ever been disappointed in.
AtticusBennett
http://littlekiwilovesbauhaus.blogspot.ca/2010/08/441am-stoned-thoughts-on-gay.html?zx=ebe8272f956e324b
gay republicans, as we all know, are pathetic little wimps.
Kallie Larsen
FYI – having some issues w your mobile site! It starts to load fine then ends up pretty zoomed in. It’s usable if I flip my phone horizontal, but still really large. Just tested and this only happens when I click a link and view in my FB browser, not if I visit the site on safari.
Adam C. Boardman
Pop quiz: who cares?
Bulls Eye
When asked if she would go to a same-sex wedding, Ms. Cruz (who I think of as a “Larry-Craig Republican”) says: “Well, I will tell you, I haven’t faced that circumstance…”
If her lack of experience is the benchmark for not knowing how to handle a situation, what the fuck is she doing running for President?
Bauhaus
@Adam C. Boardman:
A lot of people care. I care. How these cretins feel about me personally, doesn’t matter. Their attitudes about important social equality measures and how they will vote, does.
Saint Law
@aliengod: It’s a shame there can’t be a different dispensation for the likes of you and McFrisky.
One in which all the hard earned gains gay men and women have fought for are rescinded and you, and only you, get to live in the censorious authoritarian Hellhole you deserve you worthless, stupid, selfish sacks of diseased shit.
Giancarlo85
@Saint Law: Ditto! I agree! Those two are self hating fools who would be willing to sell us out for some demented economic viewpoint and the moronic idea of “smaller government”. It is a pile of crap. You can’t reason with right wingers… And libertarians are the worst.
Will L
@Rob Moore: I came in to say the same thing. Why would anyone WANT one of these guys at their wedding?
jwtraveler
New question: Which of these creeps would you allow to attend your same-sex wedding?
I vote for Santorum. He’d be the most fun to mess with by having all your gay friends French kiss each other on the dance floor. Maybe give him a lap dance and watch him explode.