Let’s say you have your wedding coming up (a lifelong dream, congrats) and you want to invite all of the Republican presidential candidates. First of all, are you insane? And second of all, that’s not going to be an easy task. Lately they’ve been racing around the country courting nutjob billionaires while tying themselves in knots (pun intended) trying to explain whether or why they would attend a hypothetical wedding same-sex couple.
And it’s easy to see why they are literally doing verbal contortions on this one. There’s the political stance that appeals to the base: boycott everything and anything gay. And then there’s the human position: How could one possibly deny a friend your attendance at such a monumental event, one that even the most ardent conservatives are going to enjoy no more than four times in their adult lives. (Well, that’s the Newt Gingrich standard at any rate.)
Apparently attending a friend’s same-sex wedding is the new litmus test for compassionate conservatism, for some reason. It kind of sucks that our weddings are being used as political footballs, but then we never could resist a man in a uniform.
So who’s said they’d attend a gay wedding, and who would refuse? We’ve rounded up their responses here, in the hopes of streamlining your RSVPs.
This jerk called gay parents “a social experiment,” so you probably wouldn’t want him there anyway. But if you absolutely have to invite him, he would probably show up, and then proceed to make an ass of himself:
Yeah, if it’s somebody in my life that I love and care for, of course, I would. I’m not going to hurt them simply because I disagree with a choice they’ve made…
Ugh oh thank you Marco for showing up to a wedding to insult the couple with your condescension. Way to go!
“A real danger to our country” is how Ted Cruz referred to gay and lesbian couples in love, so he’s probably not the right guy to ask to give a toast. Here’s what he said about attending your wedding:
Well, I will tell you, I haven’t faced that circumstance. I have not had a loved one go to a, have a gay wedding.
You know what, Ted? It’s more than likely that you have in fact had a friend or family member throw a gay wedding. They probably just didn’t tell you.
Oh Christ, this prick. We almost forgot about him and his “oops” issue in the last election cycle. Here’s how he answered the question:
Uh, okay, thanks Rick. So, should we put you down for the chicken dinner or the fish, or are you just going to stand in the parking lot and hand out flyers about how we’re an abomination? Make up your mind!
As far as we know, he hasn’t been asked the question directly, but it’s a pretty sure bet that he would not in fact attend a gay wedding. We certainly know his father, Ron Paul, would decline. Here’s what Rand said about marriage equality in general:
Ultimately, we could have fixed this a long time ago if we just allowed contracts between adults. We didn’t have to call it marriage, which offends myself and a lot of people.
So, yeah, probably not worth your time to send him any info about where you’re registered. Funny thing is, Rand claims to be a libertarian, which should mean the government should stay out of marriage altogether and that it should be a private contract. But, noooooo.
Seriously, you want to invite this clown to your wedding? Hey, it’s your life.
He hasn’t said whether or not he’d attend a hypothetical gay wedding. In fact he dodged the question. What does it say when someone wants to be president of the United States but can’t answer a simple question?
But he did say this:
I believe in traditional marriage.
So, if he attends, he’ll probably want to make sure the bride is a virgin, and that the groom claims her maidenhead after the ceremony.
Good news, queers: John Kasich is coming to your wedding. He’ll be there with bells on, if by “bells” you mean angry thoughts about how the proceedings are completely illegitimate.
In an interview with CNN, the Ohio governor confessed that he’s going to be attending a gay wedding at some point in the future:
Just because you’re opposed to something doesn’t mean that you don’t care about your friends, other human beings. My friend knows how I feel about the issue, but I’m not here to have a war with him. I care about my friend, and so it’s pretty simple for me….It’s pretty simple. I care about him. He cares about me. He invited me to something. I’m going to go do it. It’s not that complicated.
What a lucky friend!
Oh, and the good gov admitted that he was only going because his wife, who loves her gays, declared that she was going with or without her husband.
Scott Walker’s way ahead of you! He’s already been to a gay wedding. Well, not a wedding, exactly … a reception. But he went! And he probably danced a little bit, and admired the ice swan, helped himself at the buffet, and then went up to the two brides to congratulate them and remind them that he thinks they’re making a huge mistake.
Even though my position on marriage is still that its defined as between a man and a woman, and I support the constitution of the state. But for someone I love, we’ve been to a reception.
And then after he left, the two brides tried to figure out whose side of the family he’s on, and whose idea it was to invite the jerk, and oh God are we going to have to see him every Thanksgiving from now on?
Bad news, gays: Rick Santorum is not available to serve as your ring bearer. After all, he believes that your wedding will somehow lead to the “destruction of our Republic.” He must mean his republic, the religious right version of the republic, because clearly he’s not including us.
He did say this about a friend or family member getting married:
I would love them and support them. I would not participate in that ceremony.
Okay so does Rick not know what the word “support” means? Or does he mean he would financially support them, like, he’d pay for their honeymoon?
By the way, Rick has a huge family — five sons, four daughters — so it’s pretty much definite that he’s got at least one queer kid/grandkid. Must be comforting for them to know that they don’t have to worry about their dad interfering in their wedding day. (Confidential note to Rick’s gay kids/grandkids: when you’re ready to come out, the LGBT community will be here to love you and support you. To really love you and support you, unconditionally and far more than your dad ever has.)
So raise a glass to the GOP presidential candidates. Working every day to hurt your wedding and get Hillary elected.