The idea of a selfie-centric, skintastic Instagram account may make your eyes involuntarily roll as words like “narcissistic” and “conceited” travel to the tip of your tongue — and who knows, maybe there is narcissism at play — but is that just a more socially acceptable form of slut shaming?
What is it about the way someone else uses social media or dating apps that’s able to get us so riled up?
Expressing sexuality is so deeply personal, it’s perfectly natural there are going to be a million different ways of doing it, and yes, the line between healthy and unhealthy practices can get blurry. But all we can really do is focus on our own authentic sexuality — throwing others’ under the bus gets us nowhere.
Do you have to watch and enjoy a video of a twink trying on revealing Halloween costumes? Of course not! It’s the internet, there are a billion other things to distract you at you office. Here’s Joseph Gordon-Levitt dancing to Janet Jackson to get you started.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
Below, therapist Matthew Dempsy explores the topic of slut shaming, and what it actually says about how we’ve been taught to filter sex as something that’s deserving of judgment and moral high ground when really the major concern should just be safety:
Glücklich
It ain’t pretty being easy.
myrdraal2001
Sorry but I have standards and “cheap prostitutes” isn’t it. I won’t judge your outfit, but don’t expect my praise for every little thing you say or do.
Cam
So first you draw the non-logical tie in stating that people who roll their eyes at other people continually posting selfies is “Slut Shaming”?
Queerty, lets see, you have been pushing for the adoption of closet supporting dilution of bisexuality by multiple new labels many of which feature the word “Hetero”, you have said that gays must completely stand with Islam even though that religion, like evangelical Christianity advocates for our deaths or arrests where it holds sway. You have hidden any stories on the U.S. Reform Jewish church advocating for Transgender rights, you have a “Broadway Performer” write an article basically saying that anybody who doesn’t think his writing is wonderful is a “Troll, a hater, and is jealous of him.”
And now, thinking people that post selfies is “Slut Shaming”?
Slut shaming is about attacking people, most often women, for things like not being virgins, accessing birth control, living with somebody before marriage, having an active sex life. Those are very real and serious attacks and attempts to control them with social stigma, and you want to lump in “People who post selfies”?
What is going on with the writing staff on Queerty? Seriously, it’s like the entire staff was pulled from a Freshman level psych class. The kind where everybody gets a passing grade and no opinion is ever silly or wrong.
Derek Perron
Slut shaming says a lot less about the gay community than actually being a slut.
Xzamilio
Jesus, the SJW Tumblr is creeping over into everything. I love sluts… without sluts, life would be boring and the only sex position we’d be using is missionary. They teach us so much about our bodies. What is a slut, though? People will call anyone a slut if they don’t conform to their subjective terminology or being puritan.
Cagnazzo82
First world problems.
All of life’s problems must truly be solved to get to the issue of either calling someone out for being a slut, or being worried about being shamed for being a slut.
The only people who should really worry about ‘slut-shaming’ are women, because the term was created to denigrate women for enjoying being as sexually active as men.
The fact that gays are co-opting this term and making it an issue either one way or the other… or even psycho-analyzing the term for 5 minutes… well I don’t know what to say.
Slightly absurd.
sportsguy1983
If it looks like a slut, walks like a slut, and talks like a slut, then it is a slut. You can’t be shamed unless you believe what people are saying to you is true. And FYI, if you don’t want strangers criticizing you, then don’t post things of yourself publicly for the whole world to see. These people publicly posting every insipid aspect of their lives crave attention, but the only want positive attention. That isn’t life.
Bauhaus
“I consider sex a misdemeanor – the more I miss, de meaner I get.”
– Mae West
Masc Pride
Who cares?! Is “slut-shaming” really stopping anyone from “slutting”? No. Screw as many people as you want, but stop obsessing over what people think of it. It’s always funny how very promiscuous people get very sensitive about being called promiscuous. Why not just own it?
Cagnazzo82
@Masc Pride: Seriously. So long as you don’t get a disease and you’re passing it on like Charlie Sheen. That’s about the only issue I can see.
But that’s not even an issue of slut-shaming as much as it is being thoroughly irresponsible/dishonest. And therefore being publicly shamed on account of it.
Otherwise if you’re responsible and you pick your partners responsibly then enjoy life. It’s not as long as we like to pretend it is. And we only live once.
AndYouWillDeal
Slut Shaming? What is this? Jezebel? I swear, the feminists and SJW have ruined this generation.
scottieee
This dude is a fucking therapist? Are you kidding me?????
Jane Freeman
Those guys look amazing! Just be safe and fabulous boys and girls!!!
SonOfKings
I don’t think it’s slut shaming to grow tired of people who constantly show off to get attention. I had a friend whose gorgeously built lover could not go anywhere without getting shirtless at some point. This is even if it was ten degrees below zero. We were in this cold, drafty club in the dead of winter. Most people were in sweaters or kept their coat on. And there this fools was, dancing shirtless (again) on top of the bar like it was his job or something. Thirsty for attention. Now that’s behavior that, perhaps, should be discouraged if not outright shamed.
Cagnazzo82
@SonOfKings: Sounds more like attention-whoring.
Unfortunately, we have many ‘celebrities’ and politicians who behave the exact same way these days… except via a different approach :S
BigG
People who slut shame are just insecure and jealous they don’t have the looks, confidence or balls to be sexually free.
Tommysole
@Xzamilio: I happen to a very good slut!
Many guys that have had my ass have said that. None of them have ever complained even though they call me a slut behind my back.
I dont mind.
Xzamilio
@Tommysole</a: Here, here!!! You can't shame anyone who embraces their truth!!
Xzamilio
@Tommysole: Sorry, I don’t know why it came out looking like that, but like said above… Here, here!!! You can’t shame anyone who embraces their truth!!
moldisdelicious
Ironic that this was written on world’s AIDS day.
In terms of gay men being slut shamed, bullshit. In fact, let’s be real here. How are gay men slut shamed by others though? Unless you’re a guy that really does sleep around with a lot of dudes and really have no sense of self respect, then you’re going to be offended when people straight up call you out on your shit.
The thing that gets me is how guys are so loose and worst off, how uneducated they are about sex and std prevention. Like if you’re premiscious, the last thing you should be is ignorant towards stds. Man, I’ve talked to dudes that literally have told me that the only std to worry about was hiv so it was okay for them to give head. When you got that type of mentality out there and worst off, dudes scared to get tested, dudes lying about their statuses and etc. You’re going to see the disaster of a high std rate.
Hell, I’m surprised that dudes aren’t even scared to fuck especially when you have like 1 out of 4 people with a std and 1 out of 10 with hiv. Yes, slut shaming is necessary. Sorry but if it will make it safer for everyone and prevent more people from being sick and dying unnecessarily then yes.. bring on the slut shaming.
SeeingMoreClearly
Ask the Queerty editors if they’d like to see those guys walk through a Syrian refugee camp.
Lesley Gregory Middleton
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moldisdelicious
@BigG:
Well to be honest, I often find premiscious people to be emotionally empty, selfish and lonely. They are not emotionally healthy.
Michael Czogalla
There is no such thing as a “gay community”. I certainly do not feel part of what is often portrayed as this community.The categories that surround gays (twinks, bears, apparently fairies, etc.) are not representative of millions of LGBT people and have nothing to do with real live. And just like the non-existing “hetero community” is made up of every shade possible, so are gays.
Avery Alvarez
NOt this asshole again, and his dollar store insights.
tdh1980
I think the author of this piece is equating attention whoring to sexual promiscuity when in reality there is no inevitable conflation of the two. Having a sexualized social-media presence doesn’t necessarily mean that a guy is a “slut,” as many people use their various profiles to present the versions of themselves they don’t have the courage to be in actual reality.
As for “slut-shaming” itself, I don’t judge anyone for engaging in sex in any way that he wants with anyone he wants as often as he wants if that is what makes him happy, especially considering that other people’s contentment has no direct correlation to mine.
alphacentauri
Slut shaming? Who comes up with these silly terms? If someone’s a slut or ho, that’s their choice.
@moldisdelicious: Well said, I know younger gay men and even older ones who lived through the AIDS epidemic who have the mentality that they can bareback and have sex with everyone and they won’t get HIV, or that if they do happen to become poz “There are meds for that now” and the worst are the ones on Truvada. I also know that a lot of these guys lie about being HIV+ and having other STDs.
Avery Alvarez
An ultra clownish gay guy tries on lingerie for his mom on Youtube, and we’re all supposed to give him an E-rimbjob, otherwise we’re bad gays.
And Queerty has managed to stretch this really thin guilt/shame argument into three articles now, bitching that gay men have to support the really stupid, pointless, attention seeking antics of one another.
No, Queerty. I don’t have to support fàggotry (and by that I mean overly dramatic gays that do anything to desperately seek attention). I don’t and I refuse to. You can use all the made up SJW words to try and shame me into it – shaming, bigotry, etccc #SORRYNOTSORRY, that falls off me like religious cultism. I’m like Teflon.
I’ll stand up and support gays that actually DO something, take a stand, make a change, or at least have something to ofer besides “look at me”. Shameless attention seeking can be cute, but it’s not praiseworthy.
Seriously, gay community, both Queerty’s writers and readers, get some help. Esepcially work on your self esteem. Heed my words very carefully – You will not be everyone’s cup of tea. You will not impress everybody. NOt everybody will be attracted to you and the things you do. YOU NEED TO REALIZE THAT AND BE OKAY WITH IT INSTEAD OF BEING A LITTLE BITCH THAT BLAMES IT ON EVERYONE ELSE, INCLUDING THE “GAY COMMUNITY” AT LARGE, AND CRIES “SLUT SHAMING”, “RACISM”, “TRANSPHOBIA” AT EVERYTHING.
K Patrick McCarthy
Awe now the sluts are victims too? ð??¢
moldisdelicious
@alphacentauri:
It’s quite sad how it seems that there’s a lot of anti reality going on within the gay community. It’s very disturbing. It’s even more disturbing how there’s this acknowledge the truth in terms of coming out the closet but after that, you have people basically living lies and trying to fit into all of these labels that are designated for gay men like twinks and pups and leather men and etc.
Alexis Barros
When did “slut shaming” actually become a thing?! And to the point where articles are written about it etc. Did the slut community start a group and get organized Bc they are being bullied and need to educate the masses on the dangers of “slut shaming”? Grow a thicker skin if you’re gonna be a crying wuss about being called out on your promiscuity or whore-ish social profiles. This is so dumb!
Cam
@BigG: said…
“People who slut shame are just insecure and jealous they don’t have the looks, confidence or balls to be sexually free.”
_______________________________
However, being bored by people posting constant selfies isn’t slut shaming, it’s getting irritated by attention whores. There is a difference between attacking somebody for getting laid, or using birth control, or being bored with somebody who posts every little thought that comes into their head every minute.
One is slut shaming, the other is having the sense to spot a narcissist and be bored by them.
Cam
@SeeingMoreClearly: said…. “Ask the Queerty editors if they’d like to see those guys walk through a Syrian refugee camp.”
______________________________
According to Queerty it would be bad manners, and hate speech to complain about conservative Muslims attacking gays. How dare you bring that up.
AtticusBennett
there are some gay men who are so insecure that they need to let everyone know that they’re “not one of those stereotypical gays who, you know, enjoys a fun and varied sex life”
remember, boys – a slut is just what someone gets called by someone else who is bitterly jealous of that guy’s sex life.
AndYouWillDeal
@alphacentauri: Feminazis
onthemark
@Cam: You really should send Queerty your resume! Be prepared for low pay as in close to ZERO!
onthemark
“Slut-shaming” is exactly the same thing as exhibitionist-shaming? Who knew?
I guess the inevitable next step will be redefining “closeted” to mean “any gay guy who does NOT make YouTube videos.” … Oh wait, Atticus Bennett has already done that.
The thing is, you CAN shame a slut. Oh, you may not stop him from BEING a slut, he’ll just be quieter about it (as I know from personal experience, lol).
But exhibitionists are immune to shame! There is unfortunately nothing you can do that will make them stop! NOTHING!
zooby
Oh please. It is one thing to have a hook up here and there from a guy you find cute at a club and another to have sex with every new face you see on Grindr. The way people order sex from apps like a drive-thru at McDonalds is just plain gross.
Not just that, but hook up apps are filled with filthy closeted cowards. Not hot at all!
Chris Duffy
You kids are adorable. Really.
Brian
If you’re a slut, you should own it. Stop pretending to be otherwise. We have to face the fact that, as men, we are always highly sexed. That’s the way we are wired. We men are all wired the same because we are the releasers – we release the sex cells from our bodies to the woman’s body, and not the other way around.
Because we release, Nature has evolved us to be the ones who must find pleasure when doing this. It’s an incentive to release. When Nature invented this arousal in men, it ensured redundancy – ie that there was more than needed.
Andrew Hwang
Considering how homosexual sex was once considered deviant and immoral by society, and that gay men were all once labeled promiscuous perverts or pedophiles who should be locked up as criminals, I think having the LGBT community slut shame each other is the epitome of hypocrisy and ignorance.
Doughosier
A LOT of slut shaming is jealousy, plain and simple. Hot guys have options that non hot guys don’t, so the non hot guys don’t like it.
Tobi
So, is the S going between the Q and I or before the T?
Dan Levin
There is no slut shaming in the gay community. The sluts are the ones shaming the non-sluts for embracing a “heteronormative” and “self hating” lifestyle. It is encouraged and expected to be promiscuous and hypersexual in the gay community. They expect all of us to be the same but then when one of us actually wants a family and a monogamous relationship, they bitch and scream as if our existence is persecution. The gay community is more diverse than they let on and I will not let them define me because we happen to share an orientation. If that’s persecution or slut shaming, then so be it.
SeeingMoreClearly
@Cam: “What is going on with the writing staff on Queerty? Seriously, it’s like the entire staff was pulled from a Freshman level psych class.” Yup. It’s time to get some self-esteem and get away from Queerty for a while, and come back when they up their standards.
Philip Covitz
Whether you are monogamous or promiscuous shouldn’t really matter because it’s no one else’s business. There is no reason to shame anyone whether they sleep with 1 person or 1000 (assuming no one is getting hurt). If you think of sex as a holy union between two loving souls, great! If you think of sex as a purely physical sensation of joy and pleasure, go for it!
Craig Bankert
Slut lives matter.
Pete
it’s a lot of sour grapes: shamers wish they looked like the guys they shamed. back when i was a boner-fide twunk, i filled out a briefs and speedos amply. why should i hide it? at the Pines or Pride especially. i mean, i wanted to get laid. is that a problem? and i hate the hetero-normative term ‘slut’!
moldisdelicious
@Pete:
Please stop. You cannot tell who a premiscious person is just by how they dress. It’s a matter of action and ones own admission. I’ve seen plenty of premiscious people that to shallow guys like you are not lookers and they have a body count.
And it’s called public decency. It’s no longer about you when it involves the public at large. There’s a time and place for everything. If you happen to be at a circuit party where guys in speedos, that’s fine but if you’re walking around in public in somewhere like nyc in union square in the summertime in a speedo showing your dick, then you can’t be surprised if you get people looking at you like you’re all sorts of fucked up and etc.
Captain Obvious
How to know you’re dealing with an idiot: They use phrases like “slut shaming”.
Cobalt Blue
@sportsguy1983: LOL. Kudos to you!
Masc Pride
@Doughosier: You’re assuming all promiscuous people are hot. There are lots of ugly sluts out there.
@Craig Bankert: You have to say it like Bernie Sanders: “Slut Loives Matta!”
David Tillman
Jose
Realitycheck
Why is this clown back on Queerty with another of his insane
psychoanalysis bull $#!% ?
Where did he graduate from? The Ringling Bros Circus?
Josh447
Slut shamers have one hand pointing a finger and the other flipping through the Bible. But the real problem is the seven porn accounts they keep yellin at, “I wish I knew how to quit you!”. Shame is as Shame does. Now while the shamers are trying to secure their comin to Jesus moment due to all their judgments that Jesus tells them NOT to do in that first place, I’m going to go to the baths and have a fucking great time. And guess who’s going to look more refreshed in the morning. Freedom is so much easier than judgement jail. Les Shamettes ought to try it sometime. Or are they afraid they might like it too much, like all that porn.
Judgement is a bitch. They just don’t know how to quit each other.
Caylin Joey Gerhardt
“masc for masc” “No fems” “No blacks no asians”
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is fked up
it’s not a “personal preference”
you’re just an asshole
Realitycheck
@Caylin Joey Gerhardt: So you don’t have preferences? LOL
Of course written that way it is insulting and insensitive, it would be much more acceptable if some wrote what they prefer vs what they do not like.
That said, no one controls what and who they like, and never ever who they love.
William Mc Gregor
It says that as a “community” we are no better than those who hate us!
Richard B Roberts
This must be downtown some where in Saudi Arabia
Brian
There’s nothing wrong with slut-shaming. Those who say that gay-identifying shouldn’t slut-shame gay-identifying men are equating homosexuality with sluttiness. Fact is, homosexuality and sluttiness are two different words, each with a unique definition.
If a man or woman engages in slutty behavior, they should be called sluts.
Michael Hunter
Carl Szulczynski
Slut shaming is a loose term. Advising friends to use protection is a good thing. Letting them know that promiscuity is a high risk behavior is important. Watching a bitch purposely expose himself to risk isn’t something I’m willing to do. Wanna be a slut? Not in my house honey child. I’ve seen enough train wrecks.
Carl Szulczynski
The gay media encourages promiscuity and high risk sexual behavior. You’re slut enabling and that’s worse.
MrKnowItAll
@Dan Levin: Well written Dan! I couldn’t agree more.
Josh447
Men, real men, not just gay world men, are fully engaged into being sexually adventurous. It’s derived from hormones and nature. That grueling virile high testosterone rugged masculine action is hardly a place for finger wagging sexually demented boy-nuns. If we pee’d on them they’d quiver in delight. A truly horrid thought.
moldisdelicious
@Josh447:
And you know where that leads up to. Trips to the clinic from getting burnt, guys that have babies they can’t take care of with the police coming after them for child support among other issues, abortion clinics, and etc. Self control and responsibility is a vital aspect of life. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of irresponsible premiscious out there and plenty of people that are living with regret stuck in situations where they wish they waited to have sex or made smarter decisions.
Glücklich
@moldisdelicious:
Totally off-topic but am I the only one who wonders WHY there are so many babies who can’t be properly cared for? There are SO MANY single mothers on the dole, deadbeat dads dodging warrants for a piddly $50 a week in support…are there that many idiots who take a look around at their down-at-the-heels surroundings thinking “Oh *I* can make dropping out of high school to have a couple of kids by 17 work even though every other single parent and deadbeat dad around here is a fucking mess.” ALL such people are pro-life?
Bob LaBlah
@Gluchlich………….that seems a bit odd for you. I honestly am wondering if someone took your phone while you weren’t looking and said that. But just to let you know (and I too am going off topic) the country of Poland has offered a $125 per child monthly stipend to all who have kids due to the declining birthrate. Poland, all of Russia, Finland and now even Germany are acknowledging that they have to do something about the declining birthrate because at the rate they are going they will have no other choice but to allow foreigners into the country to fill jobs that are essential for running the country.
Your rant is based on economics but regardless of how high the cost this is STILL the wealthiest country in the world and will be for the foreseeable future. The uneducated (background be damned because the majority of the welfare recipients here where I am are white or indian) are who fall into the category you described. That is the basis for the argument presented by Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio against immigration, never mind the fact that they too are members of the very people they want to keep out, poor latino immigrants whom the majority only want to work hard for a better way of life. Its the few who are paraded in front of the camera on the five o’clock evening news who give the impression that all of them are like that, poor unwed welfare recipients.
moldisdelicious
@Glücklich:
I don’t think the whole pro life thing has to do with that. It’s more of breakdown of a relationship if there ever was one. Being gay is hard due to discrimination and socetial prejudices and bigotry But compared to straight men who really have no say in terms of how a relationship starts and ends, dating and other shit. We have it good. It’s that a lot of dating issues that gay men have are of their own creation. Folks have more of a chance finding love and being in happy relationship but they don’t want it that way.
Bob LaBlah
@moldisdelicious: “It’s that a lot of dating issues that gay men have are of their own creation.”
I couldn’t agree more but at the same time I see a bit of baggage in a lot of gay men that isn’t easily recognized. It took a year or two for me to realize how true the saying “how you were brought up is going to have a large effect on how you relate to people in general” really. I did not want to believe a friend of mine when he said he NEVER saw his mother and father kiss nor embrace each other in a loving way. He said many times they would not even look at each other when they talked. I then began to take note of just how distant he was from everyone he had ever had sex with. Thankfully we never did, which is why we are still friends.
Home is the first place one should see love when one is growing up and if they don’t find it there it is generally down hill from day one when they leave the nest looking for love. Can you imagine how hard it has to be to find what you have never seen or experienced during your developing years?
moldisdelicious
@Bob LaBlah:
That is very much true. What someone sees at home and sees from their environment ultimately shapes how they act in relationships. That scares the shit out of me because my parents had and still have a shitty marriage. I don’t want to be abused like my mom or abusive like my father.
Bob LaBlah
@moldisdelicious: ” I don’t want to be abused like my mom or abusive like my father.”
To that I say this (and I am sure you can follow along)…………there are some things it would be best for the “mom” to think twice about before saying/calling a “dad” in front of his sons. Had he not did what he did (slapped her into the middle of next week) not a single one of us (7 brothers and sisters) would have had any respect for him. To this day amongst ourselves we bring that incident up every once in awhile. We all agree she asked for it and dad delivered what she dared him to do.
Josh447
Moldisdelicious
Yes there are some however, I’m referring to the gay community. In this context fathers mothers and babies don’t apply. That would be another thread. Being responsible and safe however surely does apply to all who will listen whatever the sexual orientation.
cabe
@BigG:
Not really -many who criticize this behavior do so because they remember how AIDS spread like wildfire due to unmitigated promiscuity. Others would sincerely like to be in a long term relationship but find it hard to have one because of all the behind the back sluttiness that is rampant in our community. That is why 75% of gay men end up spending their older years living and dying alone. Lastly, you are doing the same thing you accuse so called “slut shamers” – you are passing judgement on those who don’t agree w/ your behavior.
cabe
@Josh447:
Aren’t you judging right now? You are doing the same thing to the supposed “shamers” that you criticize.