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Homo Haunting

What To Wear: 7 Halloween Costumes That Will Stop Traffic

By Dan Avery October 19, 2011 at 2:50pm
RuPaul once said “If gays ran the world, we’d have the whole month of October off to plan our Halloween costumes.” Sadly we don’t, and once again Fright Night has just about snuck up on us. If you haven’t figured out a great costume that’ll win you a costume contest—or at least get all eyes in the room on you—don’t worry. We’ve come up with a bevy of topical identities you can assume this Halloween. Click through for our list of Halloween costume ideas!    
Closeted Republican The problem here is which gay GOPer to emulate. Larry Craig, Ed Schrock, Mark Foley, Bob Allen—the list goes on and on. Do you want to go as a frumpy Midwestern closet case like Phil Hinkle or the sleek, shiny type a la Aaron Schock. In any case, it’s a great excuse for getting drunk and groping all the hot boys.
What you’ll need: Ill-fitting, out-of-date suit (busted zipper a plus) A gallon of self-tanner Padding (to simulate all the extra guilt weight)
Optional accessories: Bible (with anti-homosexual passages dog-eared) Forlorn wife and children Crystal-meth pipe  
Occupy Wall Street Protester It’s always possible the hordes will have departed Zuccotti Park by the time Halloween rolls around, but they’ll still be making news somewhere. The bonus here is you can park your butt on the couch all night and claim it’s a political statement. What you’ll need: Protest sign with ironic message (“Mr. Obama, tear down this Wall” is a good one) Hand-rolled cigarettes Stage makeup (to simulate bruises and taser marks) Optional accessories: Rage Against the Machine T-shirt Laptop or iPad to blog on      
Amanda Knox/Casey Anthony Yeah, we know Knox was acquitted of murdering her female roommate and Anthony (at right) allegedly got away with killing her baby. But if you’ve seen one cute white chick make a mockery of the judicial system, you’ve kinda seen them all.  And the best Halloween costume is the one that appalls half your friends. What you’ll need: Long brown wig Tastefull makeup Orange prison jumpsuit Giant sunglasses and scarf (to hide from the paparazzi) Optional accessories One large onion (to help simulate crocodile tears). Cabbage Patch Doll      
Immortals Hunk You probably should’ve stopped eating in July if you wanted to have a body as ripped as Theseus (Henry Cavill) or Poseidon (Kellan Lutz) in time for Halloween. But if you’re genetically blessed—or have no sense of shame—dressing up like one of the ridiculously pumped Olympians from Tarsem Singh’s upcoming beefcake-fest is right on target. What you’ll need: Gold-plated armor Sword and shield fancy loincloth Optional accessories: Casting couch High-grade steroids Inflatable closet (note: only for Luke Evans costume)      
Princess Beatrice of York What better way for a gay man to grab attention on Halloween than to go as the girl who stole the show at a friggin’ royal wedding?  Of course, it’s all about the fascinator (i.e. that fugly octopus thing she slapped on her head). We have no idea where to find one, but you can probably make one with felt and hot glue. You gays are good with that kinda stuff. What you’ll need Hat (see above) Red wig Picture of Fergie (the Dutchess, not the Black Eyed Peas singer) Optional accessories Buck teeth Raccoon-grade eyeliner Picture of Prince Harry to make out with (What? Royal incest is hot!)    

Marcus and Michele Bachmann

The luster on this GOP power couple is beginning to fade, but we can’t think of a better couples costume for a fag and his hag.  Just remember to shout out at random intervals that “the Lord led me to this man!” What she’ll need: Wig from the Jaclyn Smith collection Glassy-eyed contacts A rifle (to protect the border from all those scary illegal immigrants) A clock (to turn back, natch) Airplane tickets to Europe (to hand out to gays, feminists and unwed mothers) What he’ll need: Grindr Image via David Shankbone  

Nina in Black Swan


We didn’t think this psychological thriller from last December was all that “perfect,” but what gay man hasn’t wanted to do ballerina drag at some point? You can even satisfy your curiosity about women by getting sapphic with some girl at the party a la Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis.

What you’ll need:
Tutu
Ghost-white face makeup
Tiara
Blood packets

Optional accessories
Mani/pedi kit
Oscar trophy
small pillow (to simulate baby bump)

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12 Comments*

  • Scott

    Funny story: EVERY SINGLE other site is recommending to NOT wear these cliche costumes.

  • christopher di spirito

    Black Swan is so spent.

  • AxelDC

    If you want to stop traffic, wear a giant red octagon.

  • iDavid

    @Scott,

    “Recommending”? I’d be demanding. This is the lamest list of uncreative trash possible.

  • Wies

    thank you dan avery for having me laugh my ass off <3

  • Jeff in NYC

    I’m going as The Thing, from the Fantastic Four.

  • PilateError

    Cliche

  • Hyhybt

    Speaking of costumes… I know it’s only for today, but the purple logo, etc look good. Queerty should consider keeping them.

  • Riker

    I’m doing Amy Winehouse this year. I’m a drunken mess every other time I go to the bar, so why not put on a wig, eyeliner, and dust my nose with some (fake) cocaine?

  • ewe

    I’m gonna wear a big fat ass on my face. With shit dribbling out.

  • Riker

    @ewe: So, you’re dressing up as little kiwi?

    (Sorry kiwi, I couldn’t resist. I’d still hump your butt even if it WAS on your shoulders!)

  • Liz

    You can get Beatrice’s fascinator at wwww.headlinecostumes.com and it is to die for!

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