CONDUCT UNBECOMING

A Slightly Bitchy Field Guide To Straight-Female Behavior In Gay Bars

We’ll never forget the night we stumbled into The Cock at 3am looking for a little… companionship. As we squeezed our way over to the coat check (the site of fabulous group gropings back in the day) we were startled to see a gaggle of girls who looked like they stepped out of the basic-cable version of Sex & The City. (Remember Lipstick Jungle?!?)

As the ladies started to peel out of their Forever 21 trenchcoats, one looked around and wisely uttered, “Um, maybe we shouldn’t be here?”

Girls have been a part of the gay-bar scene since some prehistoric cavefag poured the first cosmo in Lascaux. Until fairly recently, though, they understood they were what our friend would call “the parsley, not the entree.” But thanks to Carrie Bradshaw and her successors, a new generation of women think all eyes are on them when they walk through the door of their local queer watering hole.

Not that Queerty readers need to be told, but that is not the case.

This isn’t to be sexist or heterophobic. When we don our protective garb and enter a straight bar, we cool it with the dead drops, three-snaps-and-a-twists and declarations that “Jesus is a biscuit!”

We wish we could sit here and rattle off all the things that certain women—not all by any means—do wrong at the bars, but frankly just thinking about it exhausts us.

Fortunately, our pal Brian Moylan did it for us in Vice magazine: In An Etiquette Guide for Straight People in Gay Bars, Moylan channels his inner Miss Manners and lays out certain rules of engagement. Here’s a small sample:

* Yes, you are a second-class citizen: “Women, while fun to have around, are practically invisible at a gay party. They have to wait for the one tiny restroom (which has probably been co-opted by boys and drag queens anyway), they don’t get to annoy the DJ to request songs, and the (probably shirtless) bartender is going to take their order last… Just deal with it for one night.”

* Avoid hook-up joints: “They are usually bars where boys go late at night to make out with strangers and engage in a little slap and tickle in a dark corner… Also, leave anyplace called The Eagle alone, unless you really want to see a bunch of bears in harnesses and other leather gear giving you the stank eye while grinding each others’ jockstraps.”

 * Don’t be a cock block: “It’s better to go to a gay bar with a gaggle (the scientific term for a group of gays), so if one of the boys is about to get lucky, you can shift your attention. “

 * Keep your mitts to yourself: “OK, ladies, we will make a deal with you. We won’t touch your boobs if you don’t touch our cocks. Is that fair? “

Do you have a tale of woe about a lady person harshing your buzz at the bar? Are you a Female Friend and Ally of Gays  (F-FAG) who hates how you get treated just because you don’t have a Y chromosome?

Share your stories in the comments section.