A bi-curious man in his 30s says he’s ready to take the plunge into the man pond, and his girlfriend is totally supportive of it, but he doesn’t know where to begin, so he’s seeking help from advice guru Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
“During my life I’ve been occasionally attracted to men, but was more attracted to women, so to keep it simple, I’ve only dated women,” the 30-year-old man writes.
He recently brought this up to his girlfriend of three years and she was totally fine with him experimenting with another dude.
“I’ve become very intrigued with the idea,” the man continues. “I’m just not sure how to proceed. I’m not totally sure what I’m looking for. At the moment, to start, I want to make out with a guy, and see where it goes from there, maybe more, maybe not. I’m not looking for another relationship, just a few flings.”
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The question is: Where does he find a guy to fool around with?
Definitely not Tinder, he writes, because “I don’t want someone to think I’m looking for a relationship.” He’s heard about some app called Grindr, but he’s also not sure that’s the right avenue since “guys would probably be expecting more.”
So he wonders: “Is a gay bar the right idea?”
In his response Juzwiak first congratulates the man on being ready to embrace this part of his sexuality and assuring him there is a lot of fun in store.
Now, to answer the guy’s question…
“You’re probably right about Tinder,” Juzwiak writes. “I disagree that the tried-and-true hook-up apps (Grindr, Scruff, et al.) are necessarily a bad idea, though.”
He continues, “Firstly, labeling yourself as straight/curious on an app for men who have sex with men will likely get you a lot of interest, and more options mean the greater ability to find someone who will be into what you’re into. You can explain yourself, and most guys will pay attention. … I’m sure there are more than a few who would be open to exploring with you at your pace.”
That said, Juzwiak cautions the man that he may want to brace himself for some, ahem, “explicit conversations.”
“You will almost certainly receive messages from guys who want to be pounded out (for example) and immediately lose interest when they realize you are not a dom d*ck distributor at the moment,” he writes. “The process may be frustrating at first, but I think a hook-up app is at least worth a gander.”
Juzwiak adds that bars are great places to meet people as well, but he needs to be very straight forward with anyone he meets.
“I encourage you to be upfront with your inexperience and desire for a snail’s pace,” he writes. “Hold onto that and, to the best of your ability, resist pressure to exit your comfort zone.”
“You’re opening yourself up to the world of expressing and receiving affection from men, and that can be such a beautiful gift when cultivated with communication and care. I’m excited for you.”
What advice would you give this guy? Sound off in the comments section below…
Donston
I’m all for doing whatever you want to, being honest with yourself and others, and fully embracing and understanding the romantic, sexual, affection, emotion, relationship spectrum. But the every other day pulls from Reddit about dudes with girlfriends/wives who hook up with guys- the shit is getting tiresome.
Zombiez8mybrain
That was from Slate, not Reddit.
GetMeets.com
You are right!
But I’m not sure if gays really exist!
How can you not like a beautiful female body?
If you think you are gay, just go to the page that appears in my nickname! This is a world famous social network, I am sure that there will be free girls from your area! Just copy my nickname 🙂
Waiting for you there.
jthomasmpls
In my experience, more and more women, including girlfriends and wives are not only supportive of their male partners exploring their bisexuality it turns a lot of them on. Good for him and her for the courage to be honest with each other. What could be wrong with more people turned on and having the sex and relationships they desire?
masterwill7
I was there once, Grindr is the way to go.. I found a few great guys on there who were fun and willing to let me taste what men had to offer.. But I have one warning for him, once you really try men, you’ll know it’s never going to be enough to do women anymore.. Men are so much better in the bedroom, it’s just unbelievable when you experience it for the first time!! It was for me! 😉
Donston
You can’t really decide that for him. He may experience things with men a few times and be like: meh. I do feel it’s a slippery slope. A lot of females think that their non-hetero boyfriends/husbands won’t leave them for guys because they can offer heteronormalcy, greater social ease, the ability to give children, and simply because their dudes don’t want to deal with “gay”. But “curiosity” can form into sexual preferences, wanting persistent affections instead of just random hook ups, wanting romantic love, emotional investment, and wanting a legit relationship. So, it’s important to be cautious when it comes to this “open” stuff.
Donston
I say this because I also was in a similar situation. I thought I “loved” women and had more attractions and arousal towards females. But attractions or arousal hardly represent the be-all and can be rather unstable/fluid depending on the person. Once I allowed myself to really be myself I quickly discovered that though my feelings for women weren’t invalid, I just liked loving a guy more, receiving persistent same-sex passions more, liked sleeping next to a guy more, had more emotional investment and relationship contentment towards my sex. This may happen with him. But he may realize he’s not all that into dudes. Or he may just be okay with hooking up with guys here and there. Everyone’s journey is so individual, as is where everyone is on the general spectrum. It’s difficult to use your experiences and journey and try to connect them to everyone else.
chupacabra
yo dumbston… how many bites at the apple do you think you deserve?
Josh447
Donston is a pro at going off the rails like thinking Masterwill7 is somehow trying to control bi curious boy’s destiny. Then there’s all the wasted space on some dip sht extended spectrum dysphoria. And then elongated unedited over commenting. And he’s blind to it all. Never gets it. Seems as though he’s a tunnel vision control freak lost in his own world. Never happy with the moment. A true mental case.
Donston
The dude pretty much said that being “curious” and then indulging homo sex will equate to getting and maintaining homo preferences. Anyone that knows anything about sexuality, orientation, the spectrum knows that that isn’t true. But continue to find lame reasonings to throw off target shade.
Josh447
He was talking about his experience and his alone, not making some sweeping clinical statement like you tend to do which more than not, are totally contrived. Your misinformation campaign is so tiresome. Can’t you find a lesbian site to comment on? I think they’d like your contrived useless spectrums and dalliance more than we do.
Donston
His post is very easy to interpret. He was making general assumptions about men who indulge same-sex sexual activities and not just speaking from his experience. I called out those assumptions. And I wasn’t even mean or condescending. So, yeah, you were looking for an excuse to throw shade. Furthermore, what’s with your constant bringing up of lesbianism through a bad light? Are you saying that male “gays” don’t have the capacity to talk about identity, sexuality and the spectrum beyond the shallow or that “lesbians” are pretentious and indulge supposedly contrived conversations? Either way, it don’t look good. At least find a way to be critical of me without revealing resentment toward others.
Josh447
You fell off the rails on Masterwill7’s take. You do it all the time.
No hit on lesbians nor resentment, they are however known to be homebodies and into stronger emotional “spectrums” than men (as with most women) hence your constant bantering about relationship emotional commitment blah blah blah spectrums falls on deaf ears in this forum whereas in a lesbian forum they may eat it up. Bottom line you’re in the wrong demograph.
Cam
If he’s MORE attracted to women and he’s got a women, then there wouldn’t be a compulsion for him to go sleep with a man. But keep on lying to yourself pal.
jthomasmpls
I my opinion just because someone is more attracted to a man or a woman and already has one of that gender doesn’t make all others of the preferred gender unattractive/undesirable. it seem to me there are way more bisexuals than homosexuals and heterosexual. Fortunately it’s getting easier in our culture for bisexuals to come out, particularly bisexual males, especially when they have the support of a partner, like the one in this article. How one chooses to act on that attraction or desire is a different issue and non of my business. It baffles me why so many people, especially those in the LQBTQ community, can’t accept another’s journey in coming out. Everyone is different, everyone’s path is different. Just because someone has a different path than mine doesn’t mean they are lying.
I love the quote from Robyn Ochs
“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”
Kangol2
He should go with a safe space/environment like a gay bathhouse. He can go, see if there’s a guy he likes/finds attractive, have sex or just watch, and he’ll know he’s not facing the dangers of Grindr/there’s safe sex equipment around (condoms, etc.)/there are other bi and DL guys there as well as gay men, and so on. And if he’s not feeling it, he can always leave.
JED08
Bathhouse strikes me as a horrible idea in this situation. That’s an aggressively sexual environment that you’re wanting to send him into when he says that he wants to tip-toe in.
Josh447
Right on Kangol. Bath houses can be awesome for a “beginner” which we’ve all been. It’s pure adventure.
JEDO8 Tip toe is fine but the guy isn’t Bambi. He’s ready to get the lion out and roar.
Truth is his primal sense will tell him exactly where to go and when.
Hot.
C_Alan
@Cam, he’s actually doing the opposite of lying to himself. He’s being honest with himself and his GF about having some attraction towards men. You’re just looking for any reason to deny that bisexuality exists. You aren’t bi so they must not exist right?
djmcgamester
It’s seems weird to me, like a recipe for a disastrous end to their relationship. She says she’s fine with it until he stays out late one time too many.