A bisexual man in his 30s says he likes sleeping with men, but he’s worried that he treats them too much like sex objects, so he’s seeking advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly at the Guardian.
“I greatly enjoy sex with women,” the man explains, “but the thought of it doesn’t turn me on as much as the thought of receiving anal sex from a man.”
There’s just one problem.
“When I am physically intimate with a man I find it difficult, if not impossible, to maintain an erection,” the man confesses.
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“In some ways, this is fine, but I’m worried that the men I sleep with think I’m not enjoying it, or don’t know whether I am or not.”
Digging deeper, the man goes on to say that he thinks it might have to do with the fact that he’s just not as attracted to men as he is to women. Nor does he feel the same sort of emotional bond after sex.
“I don’t enjoy cuddling with men or kissing like I do with women,” he says. “As a result, I treat the men I’m with like sex objects.”
Now he isn’t sure what to do.
He concludes, “I’m worried that if I end up with a woman, I’ll always have something missing from my sex life, but that I am not attracted to men enough to have a satisfying monogamous relationship with a man.”
In her response, Connolly explains that the man doesn’t have to choose one or the other.
“You accept that you are bisexual, so you can fairly comfortably decide to have relationships with people of either or both genders,” she writes.
“And you will discover that in a longer-term monogamous relationship (if you want that at any point) it is the particular person and how he or she makes you feel when you are together that is important–not their gender.”
Connolly goes on encourage the man to think outside the box a little more when it comes to sex and relationships.
“You seem to be concerned about your future, and consider monogamy a goal, with one person of one gender,” she writes. “But there are people out there who can manage long-term triangular relationships–in fact, some actively seek triads. See if you are one of them.”
What do you think of Connolly’s advice? Share your own pearls of wisdom in the comments section below…
Cam
Sounds like he’s internalized some homophobia. He said anal from men turned him on more, but it was the intimacy that he didn’t like.
Well yeah, society sees men kissing men as “icky”. Some therapy might help.
Troysky
@Cam it sounds like he loves his prostate massaged. I’m surprised they didn’t discuss a woman pegging him. ……if they did and he wasn’t interested in that, then I think it goes to your step, imho.
……if he looked like Álvaro Cervantes or Simon Marini i would objectify him ….relentlessly.
Donston
The dude seems mostly to love getting fvcked up the ass by a dude. It doesn’t appear he’s that attracted to guys or has much of any romantic longings towards his sex. That could be some internalized homophobia. Or it could just be the dimensions of his sexuality and orientation. If the guy isn’t al that into dudes it’s best for him to be honest with himself and with whoever he’s dating or sexually engaging with. Just like, yes, there are guys who enjoy sexually engaging with women but have overall homo leanings. Not everything is about internalized homophobia.
Donston
But I do believe the “I’m not attracted enough to guys” and “I can’t stay hard with guys” is a bit of a copout and may reflect insecurity. A lot of guys do believe getting hard for chicks and enjoying fvcking pvssy equates to preferring women, and they downplay how much they like same-sex passions and attention and affirmation and how much they do yearn for same-sex romantic affections and emotional connection. Ultimately, though, it’s his life and his journey.
TomG
Maybe this guy shouldn’t be having all the one night stands (which is how I perceive it) and then he could actually connect with another guy.
dhmonarch89
9/10 gay guys treat each other as nothing more than sex objects…what’s his point?
CityguyUSA
Honesty is refreshing.
Donston
Honestly, the advice she gave was irresponsible. Going the “gender shouldn’t matter route” is shaming the nature of someone’s orientation and their ambitions. If he doesn’t want to be with a dude he doesn’t have to be, and he can be honest about that. There’s nothing wrong with having dimensions, fluidity and/or contradictions but knowing you prefer the persistent attention, affections, romantic affirmation and commitment of one type of person. Shaming people for knowing what they want is partly why there’s so much bs. It would be just as bad to tell a dude that he should be open to being with a woman if claims to have same-sex relationship ambitions despite enjoying sex with women. It’s his life and his contentment.
Yes, you can advise him to try to get a greater sense of his dimensions and what drives his relationship ambitions. You can also tell him to confront any possible gay insecurities or sociological pressures or internalized homophobia or self-misandry or past traumas. You could tell him to maybe try to get to know a guy beyond the dude putting his penis in your ass. But pushing the “gender shouldn’t matter route” agenda just reflects that this lady doesn’t know much of anything about sexuality or orientation. And it’s also vaguely homophobic. The romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship comfort spectrum is wide and diverse. And she needs to respect that. Tell him to explore his ambitions and what drives his ambitions. Tell him to really try to understand his orientation on a more nuanced level. But the advice should stop there. Once again, this is where identity dependence and bi identities becomes problematic. The orientation spectrum is way too all over the place to be telling people how to live their lives and who they should be with.
tr6886
He is the main reason why some don’t touch bi men.
Donston
I give him props for at least being honest about not being that into dudes beyond hook-ups. There are plenty of guys out here pretending as if they’re really into a certain type of person beyond attractions or sexual behaviors. Like I mentioned, there are plenty of guys who enjoy hooking up with women and pretty much using women as sex dolls or baby-makers but prefer getting persistent passions, affections, affirmation, comfort, romantic attention, commitment from their sex. It’s just those types of dudes tend to not be as direct. They’re more likely to constantly talk about how much like “like” women due to their insecurities, fear of being judged by homosexuals and women, and because they don’t want to be seen as “using” women. They’re more likely to hide behind behaviors or gay/bi/fluid/queer identities or stay closeted or try to desperately be with a female.
The more overall hetero-leaning dudes with hetero ambitions are likelier to be truly honest about their dimensions and motivations.
winemaker
Why is this jerk wasting his time and and emotions and even more outrageous, why is he sleeping with men who just might start liking this guy and in the end, they’ll be disappointed and hurt? Who among us are sick and tired of being treated like CRAP after meeting a guy, having intimate relations with them and realizing it’s just another meaningless ‘hookup’? if this guy enjoys anal sex so much, he should get an appropriate sized dildo, thus there’ll be no emotional problems, no drama or hurt feelings. On the other hand, maybe he should just realize he’s gay, then his life’ll be much simpler.
Donston
Then stop hooking up with randoms.
If he’s being truly honest with himself and his sexual partners concerning his dimensions and motivations and he’s cutting things off before people invest their feelings then you don’t have a right to judge.
Goforit
Sounds to me like he needs to find a compatible woman with a strap-on. Problem solved.
Creamsicle
I’ve had an on and off thing with a “str8” guy for the past few years. At first it was fun, but the constant need for him to bro it up and talk about women after we finish having sex is just exhausting, and he could never make up his mind about kissing.
Straight guys just aren’t worth chasing. I’d rather guys sort their shit out on their own and we can hang out once their orientation isn’t a personal crisis any more.
Donston
I had a thing with my married boss when I was in my early 20’s, the first legit thing I had with a dude. He was twenty years older than me and inherently pansexual. At the the time I was fully homo. Once people at work figured out we were hooking up they started calling him “gay” and then he suddenly started hitting on every damn chick there and telling people how much he was into women and not particularly into dudes. He did eventually separate from his wife. But I broke it off with him pretty soon after she broke it off with him.
Men are just too damn insecure and have such fragile egos. And I get it. Male homophobia, masculine pressures , toxic masculinity, hetero pressure and hetero superiority are all still prominent. Sexuality and paraphiliacs and orientation can be confusing and convoluted. Male egos are frequently attached to sex and being able to hook up with and please a female. Mental health struggles can stifle many. But no matter what identities a dude embraces, what “lifestyle” he lives, where he fits in the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional, relationship spectrum- he’s got to get to a place of truly being honest with himself and to a place of genuine self-comfort. As long as you care about other people’s approval and acceptance and as long as you use sociology as a dependence, you’re kinda fvcked, no matter your dimensions and what you want.
Neoprene
I get a kick out of this made up drivel as well as the lame attempts to solve these fictional situations.
Donston
It could be made up. But these types of situations aren’t unusual.
Calin
Not everyone cuddles, and it is ok to used men as objects!!