A young man in his 20s says he can’t stop sleeping with guys who he finds physically repulsive and he isn’t sure why, so he’s seeking wisdom from Pamela Stephenson Connolly over at the Guardian.
“I am a 20-year-old gay man and my sex life is bringing my mood down,” the young man writes. “I tend to meet guys to whom I am not attracted physically or in any other way.”
That certainly doesn’t sound enjoyable!
“I feel that I do this because I am scared to be validated and judged by someone who I do find attractive,” he continues. “Doing this makes me think less about sex; I don’t feel good afterwards and it is reducing my sex drive.”
How about we take this to the next level?
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Obviously, if he feels this way, he should probably stop. And he certainly has the power to do so. But, for some reason, he can’t.
The young man admits, “I simply can’t bring myself to meet someone I do find attractive. I think I am sabotaging myself subconsciously, and that’s why I go for guys I find unattractive.”
In her response, Connolly tells the young man that he deserves a partner who he finds attractive and who can satisfy his sexual needs.
“You deserve to feel safe and confident in your sexuality, and to have partners with whom you can truly enjoy sex,” she writes, adding that he’s still “very young” and so it’s OK if he wants to “experiment with different kinds of people and situations.”
But not if doing so makes him feel disgusted or ashamed or causes him to hate himself.
“You do not like the way you’re going about things, so change,” she says. “Never bypass your distaste with someone to have sex with them; just walk away.”
Connolly then encourages the young man to dig deep and try to figure out the root of his self-loathing.
“Try approaching this formative time of sexual discovery as more of an attempt to form genuine personal connections with other men–which may, or may not, lead to sex after you get to know them,” she says.
“Eventually, you will have achieved enough self-confidence and self-appreciation to be able to summon true desire and act on it.”
What advice do you have for this young man? Sound off in the comments section below…
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Chrisk
Maybe the ugly guys are better in bed then some instagram hoes that only want you to worship their hotness. They’re less likely to think of anything but themselves. Just lay there like a dead fish.
Oh and lastly @ 20 y.o. you’ll find yourself going through about a million different phases in life. Don’t over think it. With maturity comes confidence. Enjoy it. It’s all part of growing up.
Scott Amundsen
Been there, done that. It is important that you find a man you consider attractive; only then will you find the enjoyment you are looking for.
Smith David
On a a stranger note, is it weird that I like my F-buddy to squeeze my testicles during intimacy? Please advise.
Paulie P
there is a masseur in NYC that is horse hung with bull balls and he wants the same thing while getting stroked… so you are not alone…enjoy it…
Donston
Some people are turned on by what they find repulsive. It’s a paraphiliac. However, this sounds more like insecurity, being scared of being rejected by someone you do find appealing. Rejection is a part of life. You do need to be realistic though.
Vince
Maybe you’re just not as good looking as you think you are kid. Maybe you’re ugly too. No shame in that. Not everyone can be Prince Charming. If you were goodlooking the hotties would be lining up to f*ck you 6 ways from Sunday. It’s not that difficult with today’s technology.
Scott Amundsen
I am not exactly a model myself. But I’ve never had any difficulty finding attractive partners.
Cam
Sounds like he is afraid of being rejected.
DarkZephyr
I think feeling “disgusted with himself” over the way his chosen sex partners look is a bit over the top and shallow. Sure, go after people that get your engine running but to be “disgusted” with himself over the “unattractive” guys is a bit douchey.
Godabed
Odds are he’s just as basic as the ppl he is having sex with. A lot of white gays think too highly of themselves.
Also a lot of gay men think muscles trump butter face, it doesn’t.
I have had sex with every type of man but it was because there was some facet of them I was attracted to not just their looks or what they could do for me.
Neoprene
A lot of black gays think too highly of themselves.
Vince
Jesus you’re so right. I’ve noticed black guys really do have an over inflated sense of themselves. Always pointing the finger judging others, etc.
I wonder where this comes from?
rickywintour
White gays swear they’re gods gift to men when majority of them look homeless and drugged out. Don’t get me started on the lack of meat they be packing. Just a bunch of bottoms to service the community.
G-Man
Seriously you guys are turning this into a race thing, can we ever get past that. Who cares what color you are assholes come in all colors let’s be clear about that. Stop making generalizations about entire races and concentrate on the topic at hand please. With everything the gay community has been through the last thing we need is more racism within. Please STOP!
ThinkPIease
Thank god there are men like him or I would never get laid!
trsxyz
Haa-haa!!
Stefano
Yes. We need more of them.
rickywintour
At least your honest about your unattractiveness lmao.
Kangol2
At base it sounds like he’s afraid of putting himself in a situation that might entail rejection from the kinds of men he likes, so he’s masochistically engaging in hookups in which he neither respects the other person, whom he finds unattractive, nor himself. Yet he somehow manages to have sex with these poor people. I guess that’s something, though it’s not bring him any pleasure. Well, at least he’s getting psychological help, and I hope it works, so that by his 30s, he can approach the guys he likes and stop humiliating himself and the ones he doesn’t.
mikenyc352
It’s also possible that he finds these guys attractive but doesn’t feel he “should.” His taste in men might be different that traditional model of male beauty and he is internalizing shame about what he likes.
Donston
He’s talking about being physically ill. So, I’m doubting that’s the case. But sometimes I do underestimate how shallow some folks can be. Why are you drawn to these types of guys? That is something he needs to ask himself. It could be insecurities concerning dudes you actually find attractive. Or it could just be that those are the type of guys you like persistent attentions, affections, passions from. Whatever the case, it’s another example of male insecurity and fragility.
Heywood Jablowme
Comments here may be overlooking something. Since he’s only 20 I suspect he hasn’t learned yet how to say “no” to anyone who comes on to him. He may even think, in the back of his mind, that he’s somehow not even allowed to say no.
Donston
I don’t really think that’s it. And if that is it it’s connected to deep-rooted insecurities.
radiooutmike
He may have no self-esteem or confidence. He may just try for the people he know he can get, so he’s having sex with all these “unattractive” people. You know, instead of striking out with the people he really wants to sleep with.
Or,
He gets off on how much it’s turns his stomach to sleep those guys. Degradation and all.
Or,
He likes the adulation and power trip he gets, because presumably he’s more “attractive” than they are.