A young man in his 20s says he can’t stop sleeping with guys who he finds physically repulsive and he isn’t sure why, so he’s seeking wisdom from Pamela Stephenson Connolly over at the Guardian.
“I am a 20-year-old gay man and my sex life is bringing my mood down,” the young man writes. “I tend to meet guys to whom I am not attracted physically or in any other way.”
That certainly doesn’t sound enjoyable!
“I feel that I do this because I am scared to be validated and judged by someone who I do find attractive,” he continues. “Doing this makes me think less about sex; I don’t feel good afterwards and it is reducing my sex drive.”
Obviously, if he feels this way, he should probably stop. And he certainly has the power to do so. But, for some reason, he can’t.
The young man admits, “I simply can’t bring myself to meet someone I do find attractive. I think I am sabotaging myself subconsciously, and that’s why I go for guys I find unattractive.”
In her response, Connolly tells the young man that he deserves a partner who he finds attractive and who can satisfy his sexual needs.
“You deserve to feel safe and confident in your sexuality, and to have partners with whom you can truly enjoy sex,” she writes, adding that he’s still “very young” and so it’s OK if he wants to “experiment with different kinds of people and situations.”
But not if doing so makes him feel disgusted or ashamed or causes him to hate himself.
“You do not like the way you’re going about things, so change,” she says. “Never bypass your distaste with someone to have sex with them; just walk away.”
Connolly then encourages the young man to dig deep and try to figure out the root of his self-loathing.
“Try approaching this formative time of sexual discovery as more of an attempt to form genuine personal connections with other men–which may, or may not, lead to sex after you get to know them,” she says.
“Eventually, you will have achieved enough self-confidence and self-appreciation to be able to summon true desire and act on it.”
What advice do you have for this young man? Sound off in the comments section below…