Buy These 3 Sexual Royal Wedding Souvenirs Before They’re All Gone!

Now that the jewel-encrusted unicorn march called “The Royal Wedding” is over, Britain’s souvenir vendors wanna unload all their crappy commemorative plates. Sure, Britain’s own citizens still don’t have full marriage equality but whether you loved the ceremony or hated it, everyone can appreciate our suggested bouquet of romantic collector’s items to help you and your queen royally celebrate your brains out.

Start your evening by drinking some viagra-laced “Royal Virility” beer, a limited-edition ale brewed just for the occasion and sold only in the UK where Viagra requires no prescription. Then carry your Princess into your opulent suite where you will first slip into something more comfortable—a “Royal Jewels Commemorative Condom.” The affordable $16 three-pack comes with this royal proclamation:

Combining the strength of a Prince with the yielding sensitivity of a Princess-to-be, Crown Jewels condoms promise a royal union of pleasure. Truly a King amongst Condoms.

Copy writing that great doesn’t come cheap. And once you’ve had too many rounds of pretentious boozey sex, you and your royal mate can rush to the throne room and yawn rainbows into a Royal Wedding sick bag! Just when you thought the wedding couldn’t get any better!

When you regain consciousness you and yours can enjoy some quiet quality time together knitting your own royal wedding. Of all the tacky souvenirs, it’s the only one we kinda actually wanted.