Some gays are adamant about having children, and some are immune to baby fever. And a recent post in the r/AskGayMen subreddit landed one Reddit user squarely in the latter camp.
“I think the best part about being gay is that I don’t have to have children or be pressured to start a family than if I were a straight man and had a wife,” this user wrote. “I babysit my 3- and 5-year-old nephew and niece at least three times a month because my sister is a single mom. Lemme tell you, because of this, I never want to have kids. It’s so expensive [and] time-consuming and drains out all your energy. I already feel more exhausted than I do at work. I can’t imagine doing childcare 24/7.”
This user explained that he doesn’t want to give up the freedom to travel, get drunk, and sleep until 1 p.m. on weekends. “I see the toll parenthood takes on my sister—she barely has time for herself, and she’s working non-stop,” he wrote. “Also, more kids right now are just bad for the Earth and overpopulation. Maybe things get better once they are out of their toddler age?”
And so he had one question for gay men who want children: “Why?”
How about we take this to the next level?
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One commenter on the thread said he has always wanted a husband and kids, and those dreams seemed unrealistic as recently as 15 years ago, when he was in college. “Thankfully, a lot has changed since then,” he wrote. “I got married in 2016, and not long after that, both my husband and I felt like we were done with the staying-out-late, going-to-bars life. We did some more traveling and then decided we wanted to have kids. Being a parent is something I’ve always wanted. Yes, it is expensive, it can be stressful, you’re always tired, and your children become your entire life. But I absolutely love it. My two children are my world, and I can’t imagine my life without them. Not everyone wants to be a parent, and that’s absolutely OK. My husband and I definitely wanted it, though, and I’m thankful every day that I get to live a life I thought was impossible not that long ago.”
Another commenter wrote: “Some people just don’t enjoy drinking/partying very much and want to pass down all their knowledge of the world onto a child. Some people just have that nurturing instinct. You might get those feelings when you’re older, or you might not!”
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A third Reddit user left a similar comment. “I would like to contribute to the next generation of humans in a positive way. I think kids are fun. I would like at least one child that is mine genetically, be it through artificial insemination or whatever tech is available in the future. I also would like to help out children in the foster system and adopt. I came up through the foster system and am only where I am today because of some key, amazing people who helped me throughout my life at various points. I want to be that person for somebody else.”
Another guy put in a vote for fostering, too. “I like kids in general, but I plan to foster/adopt older kids/teens because there are so many kids who need safe, loving homes and families,” that Reddit user wrote.
Another commenter observed that once going to the club and getting drunk gets old, you start seeking purpose in your life. “Spending your time and resources raising the next generation, your replacement in life, is one way to do that… building a legacy bigger than a night out drinking,” that user said. “And, from the parents I know, infants and toddler stages are the worst phases of being a parent, requiring the most work with the least reward. As they get older and start school, you get your life back, and once they reach adulthood… it’s like you’re child-free again, only with the added benefit of an expanded family and mentorship—assuming your kid isn’t a disaster, which can happen even if you do everything right.”
And one Redditor could see both sides of the childrearing vs. child-free question. “I like the concept of having a kid. Years ago, when I was 20, I saw a father and son playing in the snow in my old neighborhood, and I was kind of hit with this parental longing,” he wrote. “Like, my mind liked the idea of caring for a kid, getting to teach them about the world, and seeing them go out and live in it their own way. My boyfriend is the same way. Honestly, I think we both could be really great dads.”
But then came the nitty-gritty. “When it comes [to] the reality of it, we kind of get turned off of the idea of having kids, how time-consuming they are, how much money it costs to raise them,” that user added. “It doesn’t help that we live in the U.S., where the culture and government couldn’t give two f*cks about affordable childcare, parental leave, or good education. Do we want kids? Definitely! Will we have kids? More than likely not.”
What about you (literal) daddies and daddies-to-be out there? Why do or did you want kids? In the comments below, give us your best argument for adding a branch to the ol’ family tree.
bachy
I believe everyone alive has one kid: the inner child. For gay people, that inner child can often be damaged due to any number of things including abuse, homophobia and just clueless parenting. We owe it to ourselves to make time to nurture, support and heal our inner child – which is a lifelong process.
The problem I frequently see with parenting is that parents often abandon caring for the inner child once they have children. There is no time for rest, reflection, self-care. All the available energy and love is directed outward: toward the new children (and related financial responsibilities). The encouragement, development and cultivation of the inner child is aborted. As a result, many parents infect their new children with the unexamined distortions and disorders they have failed to address within themselves.
still_onthemark
“The encouragement, development and cultivation of the inner child is aborted.”
I aborted my inner child (in a state where it’s still legal, of course) and now I’m a grownup!
Seriously, not every gay man needs or can benefit from this sort of “Velvet Rage” navel-gazing hoo-hah. But I guess it appeals to some.
bachy
Well, I do live in CA where it’s illegal to ignore Velvet Rage hoo-hah, so there’s that.
Seth
Children aren’t even good with ketchup. Hardest of passes.
andrewl
Okay firstly apologies in advance for this long response. However, this is a topic that has been of interest to me for a while. Background, late 50’s year old gay man in stable partnership for 17 years. However, for me, it was never a question of whether I wanted children or not it was more that being gay automatically excluded you from having kids (I know sounds stupid as I type it but this was what at least my mind set was). My life has been very good, no yawning void of not having children. However, as I grow older I can see how my straight friends who had families are reaping the rewards for all of their bloody hard work raising their children. They are being energised through their children, they have support (emotional and other) and it grows. Now none of this is precluded from a childless person but it takes a lot of work and it is not the same in my opinion. Getting older my tribe (support network of loved friends my logical family as such) is shrinking as people get ill, die and fade away. I am being grim as I buried one of my dearest life time friends this week so I am a tad gloomy. Anyway I am not saying this is why you should have kids if you can (be it your own, adopting or fostering) but I think it’s a huge counter argument to the statement that raising a family takes too much effort. From what I can see you reap so many more rewards than what you put in. Okay I will get off my soap box now – thanks for letting me get this off my chest. Take care all!
bachy
Just think: you could be feeling grim & gloomy – and ALSO writing a check for 100K of your retirement money to bail out your adult child’s failing startup!
Boon or sh|tshow? Parenthood is a crapshoot and you don’t get to cut your losses if you don’t like the game – you’re stuck playing til the very end.
FreddieW
A straight friend of mine with 3 children told me his favorite kid is his dog. And so I’m happy to have a dog and no kids.
I used to regret that I won’t have anyone to care for me when I’m old, but other straight friends reminded me that kids are just as likely to put you in a nursing home rather than care for you.
KlausIII
My partner and I haven’t been to a club in almost 20 years. We don’t get drunk, even on weekends. But we have never for so much as a millisecond considered having children. My brother has daughters whom I love and take joy in but there’s no way I would want a child of my own. I honestly didn’t like children when I was a child. Why would I want one now? There are plenty of straight couples who have children and you have to wonder based on how much time they spend with them why they bothered…. If you sincerely want to be a parent, wonderful. But know yourself well enough to not be pressured if that’s not what you want.
Openminded
“But know yourself well enough to not be pressured if that’s not what you want.”
Very well said, and a very important/valid point. I’m a proud father of 3 great sons. I love them dearly and wouldn’t change any part of my younger life having and raising them, but kids aren’t for everyone and nobody should feel shame for not wanting kids.
tjack47
No. Hell no. I knew when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I wasn’t going to be a father for the children’s sake. It’s a personal choice having had a Dad with bipolar disorder. I like kids when they can talk to me about their day, but I’m not comfortable around babies and toddlers. I think people with mental illness may be wonderful parents. Besides, my wife and I talked about it. We were both infertile(she since had surgery and has a biological son with her third husband). I felt the Universe was trying to tell me something. You think? Ha!
eeebee333
Every time I see a kid having a tantrum I think, I could never love a kid like that. I just don’t have that unconditional love thing.
Openminded
You must realize, nobody sees their own kids having a tantrum, it’s always somebody else’s kids that do that crap. It’s only the parent’s who are blind to their kid’s behavior that raise kids who have tantrums.
Openminded
Andrew, I didn’t realize until late in life that I was Bisexual/Gay leaning. Before that revelation, I became married and have 3- great sons. My analogy of kids is like investing in stocks. It’s hard at first to be committed and see all your work go into financing the “investment”, be it time and/or money. Just like the stock market, some of us make good investments, some don’t. Some of us do a great job of staying focused on the job of nurturing the portfolio and/or the kids, while some of us just turn our back on the task and let it be what it’ll be. As you age and near retirement, the good investor generally get’s rewarded many time over what he invested. I highly recommend kids to anyone wanting them AND able to support them both financially and with time. I also support anyone who is smart enough to realize they don’t want/need kids. I will ruffle some feathers with this statement, but for those who claim their “fur babies” are their kids, they don’t have a clue what actually having kids feels like. I’ve known the love for a dog before having kids and as strong as it can be, you have to multiply it exponentially to match the love for your child.