sex ed

Dan Savage’s Parenting Advice: Don’t Forget To Tell Your Kids Adults Screw For Pleasure

If you’re not talking to your kids about sex, then billboards, magazine covers, and Google Images sure is, says Dan Savage, who professes his own birds and the bees chat with his son went horribly awry … because he and husband Terry left out the “sex for pleasure” part of things, which is the only way (reason?) gays do it.

And while you’ve having that conversation, you might want to explain that adults sometimes have sex with more than one person at a time.

[Big Think]

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  • Avenger

    Why am I not surprised that Dan would champion promiscuity? Yeah go ahead and sleep around. Be a dirty, filthy slut. Even when you’re in a relationship. It’s not like there are STDs out there…


  • Mark

    The notion that men aren’t capable of, or don’t desire, monogamy is ridiculous. It just sounds like he is trying to convince himself that sleeping around while in a relationship is the only way, because it’s what he does. Plenty of men are in love with one man and don’t want or need to have sex with anyone else.

  • Kevin

    @Mark: You missed the point. He’s not debating that a lot of people are both “in love with one man” and “don’t want or need to have sex with anyone else.” He’s just saying that you can have one without the other. And that we shouldn’t confuse the two. Not a bad point.

  • Ervs

    I am sorry Kevin, but I have heard this before. And I have defended him before. But it seems that Dan says that monogamy, in his words, is ridiculous. He later will tell you that he is trying to help people who choose to be monogamous that he is attempting to help them. And he also says in other discussions that he says it is up to the couple. But it is always with the basis that monogamy is ridiculous.

    ANd recently he had the author of Sex at Dawn so he is on his polysexpartner horse and riding high. BTW SEX AT DAWN is discredited as much as it is hailed for its lack of peer review and study and interpretation of the facts. Not that it is not true but that it is not authoritatively and effectively presented and written.

    A recent study said that the higher the intelligence the more likely to be atheist or monogamous.

    But the point is, what make you happy over the long haul is what you should work at. And it isn’t easy like Dan says.

  • ron

    Tomorrow the homosexual agenda in the United States will be dead in the water, and after reading Savage, I am glad. Gays truly are filth.

  • Andrew

    Oh, Lord! It’s called nuance, folks: look it up.

    @Ervs: To posit that monogamy is against human nature or our evolution is not to say that it is “ridiculous”; it is to shine a light on a misconception that leads so many astray. If we can be honest about our very human urges, and then make informed decisions about those urges–rather than suppress them or deny them–then those of us who choose to be monogamous can do so with far greater success.

    @Ron (no. 5): are there still sad “anti-gay” trolls who think “gays are filth” reading and commenting on websites called “Queerty”? Perhaps–or am I so self-righteous at this moment that I’m missing the faintest whiff of irony in your post?

  • Mike

    “Tomorrow the homosexual agenda ….. Gays truly are filth.”

    Says the guy trolling around in a gay themed website.

    Everybody meet Ron. He’s a self hating closet case.

  • Adam

    I love love love Dan, and I think he makes a good point, but he’s not looking at the whole issue here.

  • Harold Osler

    Maybe everyone hears what they want–I took it to mean that the “traditional” view of monogamy is ridiculous. That you will miraculously desire monogamy because of your relationship and never want anyone else again. I did like his view that monogamy should be looked at like sobriety and not like virginity(he used that analogy in another video).
    In everything I’ve seen him in, he’s always made the point that you do what works for you and the hell with everyone else who wants an opinion on your relationship.

  • scribe

    I have seen a lot of str8 marriages end for cheating… My parents, my grandparents, my bother’s. I have seen a lot of gay couples break up for the same reason. I am not saying that being faithful is not possible, but that someone cheating is not always a good reason to leave someone. I was 19 when I met my partner, I was young and stupid, had a lot of gay oats to sew. HE was a little older, unwilling to let me go too quickly. 17 years later we have a house, a family, and I realize that NOT everything I want to stick with my dick in, has to be stuck… But if my partner had left me, we wouldn’t have the great life that we lead.

  • SIckofCelebrities

    Who cares what this fugly queen has to say? Go away Savage…

  • Ervs

    @ Andrew. I used to think that too. But today he said it was ridiculous. The latest study says it is not ridiculous for at 40% of us. Furthermore, most studies that accept the idea of non monogamy have had fatal flaws in data collection or are so biased as to be rejected from respected periodicals. So the comment to accept it a fait accompli is hardly based on fact.

    But he used the word ridiculous. And I take issue with his almost religious zealotry to be 100% correct. And he is almost smug about it. I love Dan. I read and listen constantly. But he is just one source of many. He is not my Pope.

    Now if you want non-monogamy go for it. But it is not the only way and recently in the Gay community thanks to people like Dan, it has become the norm and it is disheartening when it is not your norm.

    @Scribe. I agree. And cheating a time or two would not necessarily kill the relationship if it was just sex. I am not going to respect nor honor nor help him have extra sex outside our relationship. But I am not going along with him having carte blanch or even rules by which he can regularly have other people. And that is a deal killer.

  • Pip

    @Ervs: You think 40% of people have sex with one person for a life time? You’re delusional.

  • Ervs

    @PIP. No. But if you are in a relationship that is predicated on monogamy then yes I do. ANd do people fail sure. But I don’t think that means we all should just be open relationships. To each their own decision. And to demean a decision by calling it ridiculous is wrong. And I think it is clear that is what i meant. I didn’t call anybody a name. You delusional comment is just an attempt to use a heterosexist tool to shut up their women. Make your statement but be respectful.

  • Ervs

    And PIP, monogamy is within a committed relationhip if it exists. You can be a slut until you choose monogamy. There is nothing wrong with it.

  • ewe

    Thank you Jerry Springer!!!

  • DR


    This is why I have to separate “Dan Savage the creator of the ‘It Gets Better’ project” and “Dan Savage the so-called sex columnist”.

    I think that Dan’s advice appeals to a certain group of people, but is not good for all people. People who want a validation of kink, open relationships, prostitution, etc, will flock to and protect him, while folks who prefer monogamy and aren’t so kinky will generally stay away from him and look elsewhere for relationship advice.

    Personally, I stopped reading his column a month or so ago. Not for me.

  • Ervs

    DR…. I totally get it. But I like Dan Sanage’s column. I have learned a lot from him and he makes me feel better sometimes. True his information is selective and from an individual and non formal background, but it is entertaining and he is pro gay. So… Tablespoon of Lube with the Sex Advice.

  • Johnny

    I understand the purpose behind examining human nature, but we are not slaves to nature and we have the ability to make choices. As human beings we are also prone to violence and killing which can be seen throughout all human history. Should we give into those carnal instincts as well? If Dan would like to live in an open relationship then that’s fine, but he pushes his views so hard that it comes across as a desperate attempt to validate his own choices which ultimately would stem from serious insecurity. In the end though this is all about not having to practice any self-control or self-sacrifice.

  • Cam

    I get Savag’s point. Sex Ed in school was so technical that it sounded like a robotics course.

    As for Mike #7. You think, gays are filth?, so then…all those straight people on Jerry Springer….they’re wonderful perfect people who’s lifestyles should be promoted?

    You aren’t fooling anybody “Mike”. You came all the way onto a gay blog, then just in case anybody found out about you posted an anti-gay post. Nice cover, I’m sure your wife or girlfriend will believe that that was the reason you came here….the FIRST time she catches you.

  • Mike

    @Cam: Cam, dude…. I was quoting #5 Ron and bashing him for what he said. Go back and read a little more carefully.

  • Fault Lines and Broken Mirrors

    @ron: But you troll a “homosexual” website.


  • Fault Lines and Broken Mirrors

    @Cam: “Sex Ed in school was so technical that it sounded like a robotics course.”

    That sound better than my sex ed. Mine was pretty much: “Have sex and your genitalia will catch fire, you’ll die of the AIDS and every other disease known to man, and you’ll be known as a terrible person. Also, atheists are terrible whores who lack morals.”

    ^ and this was a public school. and my sex ed teacher really said that atheists lack morals. and we weren’t taught about condoms in any meaningful way, we were taught about abstinence. and we didn’t even mention gays. or heterosexuals in any non-procreative fashion.

  • D'oh, The Magnificent

    Dan like too many open relationship advocates often crosses the line from “We should all have the freedom to have the relationship we want” to “If you don’t do as I do, then there’s something wrong with you.” I had enough of this in my 20s. Guys telling me what I should want and like. Finally, I just shut down from dating for a while. I am back into it now, but with an understanding that its not about what the straight OR gay community thinks. Its about what I and my partner want. Ultimately, thats the way to happiness. His generic advice is suitable only for those who want to believe he’s right.

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