Drag Race Recap: In Which We Learn What a Bitch Is

We’re covering Logo’s only worthwhile show, RuPaul’s Drag Race in all it’s queeny, catty glory. Previously, we met the queens and watched them make drag outfits from dollar store items, which was fun, but can the show keep up its energy?

It’s 7:10 and the queens wake up all sad Victoria was sashayed away. Akashia is not sad, because she was on the chopping block with her. Jade thinks Akashia’s a bitch, which is a weird dig on a show where that’s sort of the point, right? Ru shows up in a cute maroon suit and sputters some nonsense about how what really matters in drag is what’s on the inside before handing them all cameras saying they need to show that they can give good face. She gives them a bunch of cute cues like, “You just found out your $10,000 Louis Vuitton bag is a fake,” and “Cher just announced she’s retiring for real.” Weirdly, none of them give a skeptical look, which would have been the appropriate response. Totally cute Ongina wins the challenge and everyone squees in excitement. Then Ru announces that there is a second winner: Akashia. Take that Jade!

Worst segue ever: “Ongina and Akashia—your photos really popped in this session, which is good because this week’s challenge is all about pop music.” They’re made team leaders forming in charge of two rival girl groups. Ongina chooses Chanelle, Nina Flowers and Rebecca.  Akashia chooses Jade and Bebe and gets stuck with Corpse Bride Tammie. Both teams get fabrics and wigs from companies I’ve never heard of, but by judging from their reactions, it’s a big deal. Then again, these girls applaud when Ru sneezes, so who knows?

Ru leaves behind two cards with a song for each team and decides to let them duke it out, which they literally do and a mini-fight breaks out. The show really wants you to hate Akashia, but we’re not buying it just yet. She’s competitive and loud, but, um, it’s a reality show, right? We’ll hold off judgment ’til she starts setting wigs on fire.

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Ongina’s team gels quickly on some classic girly style and Akashia’s group all hates Akashia, so we know which team will be getting all the coverage. Tammie says something about how Askashia is so take charge that she’s “the Beyonce,” which again, sounds like a dig, but isn’t. Girl makes major bank? And what about the other Destiny’s Child girls? Well, Michelle Williams is guest-judging some gay drag queen reality TV show this week.

God, the Logo commercials are horrific. Drink vodka, call up a man on a 900 hundred line, watch our shitty news program!

They bring in the wigs and the fabric and Ongina’s team gets all up in Nina Flowers’ grille over her wig decisions, which ticks her off. Tammie has lots of ideas, but Akashia shoots them all down and proudly says she’s the bitch of the show, so okay, we’ll run with it, on on a scale of 1 to Kevin Aviance, Akashia’s like a negative-3. Shannel goes on about how she’s the best make-up artist ever and we tune out and focus on his nose. He’s got a cute nose and unlike Akashia, we think it actually is the one he was born with.

Akshia’s make-up plan totally sucks and everyone says so. We get it. We hate Akashia. You win!

We get some more of Akashia being a bitch during dance rehearsal, but backstage Team Ongina is having issues with getting Nina’s over-the-top wigs to fit in with the rest of the team’s look. It seems all the queens have forgotten that Nina blew the judges away last week and, really, there’s a very serious discussion about the wigs. If only congress put this much import into, you know, saving the country.

Dear Logo: Maybe you should air commercials for made-up programs. All the stuff you’re showing reminds us of how this is the only show on your network worth watching.

Back in girl group hell, Akashia continues her quest to be the Wicked Witch of the Breast and Ru comes by and sort of lays down the law and points out that the judges will blame the leader if everything sucks.

Destiny’s Child Michelle Williams shows up and the queens lose their shit and Ru asks her “if she can handle this,” to which Michelle, not playing along, answers, “Oh, I don’t know.” My Straight Roommate comes home about this time and seems totally taken with the show, and we spend five minutes figuring out how RuPaul became famous and whether to call him a “he” or a “she” in a random context. We go with “he.”

Meanwhile, it’s the morning of the competition and – surprise, surprise – everyone hates Akashia. Ongina turns out to be squeamish about tucking and nobody is prepared, everyone’s stressed out. Tammie is acting weird (which is normal), Shannel gets anal about make-up and thank god– it’s time for the show.

On Vaseline-Lens Alley, we meet the judges, including Michelle. Ongina’s band calls themselves “Serving Fish” and sing “Say My Name.” Nina Flowers says she can’t dance and she’s right. Shannel says she’s already won, which is actually the first really bitchy thing we’ve heard all episode. Straight Roommate agrees, saying, “Well, she is pretty” and then he vogues out to the song, snapping his fingers and saying, “That’s my name, that’s my name.” Straight Roommate is great, as you may have gathered.

Aksia’s team is called 3-D  (if ever there was a reality show that could benefit from 3-D glasses, this would be it. All those feathers and fake breasts would look amazing) and sings that Charlie’s Angel song. Jade looks great, but Tammie’s a hot mess. The choreography is like, “We’re holding guns and have no imagination.”

Team Ongina gets high-scores all around and everyone on the team basically supports each other and loves each other and let’s just move to Akashia’s Team of Disaster.

All the judges hate, hate, Akashia and Tammie has had it with the competition it seems and lashes back at the judges who says she’s out of her league.

Serving Fish wins the competition and Ongina wins the challenge and wins some chocolate and champagne. 3-D is on the bottom (heh) and it comes down to Akashia and Tammie who have to ‘Lip Sync for Your Life’. This is our favorite part of the show, because it’s so ridiculous—and Tammie refuses to lip-sync, but Akashia makes Michelle Williams cry. Seriously, she’s wiping away tears watching a drag queen do a Destiny’s Child song from eight years ago. It’s weird.

In any event, it’s no contest and Tammie is sent away forever, which is sort of sad, because, zombie bride or not, we sort of loved the goofy clowning thing she had going on. That, and now we’re going to have to watch more Lakashia, who’s just evil and bitchy! See, we learned our lesson and will go along with whatever the producers want us to think.

Did Lakasia deserve to go? Are you still watching the show? What challenges do you want to see the queens do next?