Straight men, take heed. You’re acting way more gay than ever before, and that’s OK. Marriage equality, having been baked into the constitution, gives you even more permission to be gayer than ever before. By God, homosexual sodomy is legal in every state.
Between cuddling with their bros, getting off on gay porn, and experimenting with anal play, it’s time for you hetero guys to just start hooking up with us gay guys already. And we’re not just saying this cause we wanna hook up with you. Really, you are not that hot. This is for you, dude.
Scroll down for five reasons why every straight man should try going gay …
5. It will satisfy your lifelong curiosity
Any self-identifying straight man who says he’s never once thought about what it might be like to bed another guy is lying. It’s natural to feel curious about things that are foreign to you.
It’s always a good idea to outside of our comfort zone. That’s how we learn and grow. So why not stop fantasizing and actually give it a college try? Remember: If you don’t like it, you’ll never have to do it again.
4. Gay men make excellent lovers
You know those filthy things you see in porn that kinda turn you on but that you would never actually ask your girlfriend to try because she’d probably think you’re a total pervert? Well, we’ll do it! All you have to do is ask. (Politely, of course. Well, demanding it can work too!)
When it comes to sexual inhibitions, many gay men, well, lack them. That’s why we invented things like Folsom Street Fair and Up Your Alley. That’s also why people like Rick Santorum and Ken Cuccinelli are so afraid. We’ll boldly go where your girlfriends and wives have never gone before. And it’ll make you feel so good.
3. The humbling experience of being penetrated
As straight men, you’re used to being the ones doing the penetrating. But haven’t you ever wondered what it might feel like to be on the receiving end? Hint: It’s pretty f-ing amazing. Not only that it’s an extremely humbling experience, and in a good way. Watch your arrogance leave your body as fast as your clothing, to be replaced by the knowledge that you took it like a man.
True, the first time can be a bit shocking, and you’ll need need to prepare with some stretching and cleaning. A new jock strap never hurts either.
But as long as you remember to breathe, you’ll be fine. We promise. And when it’s over, not only will you have experienced the most mind-blowing, earth-shattering orgasm of your life, but you’ll walk away with a greater understanding of what sex feels like for your female counterparts.
(P.S. Here are a few tips on how to lose you anal virginity with aplomb.)
2. It will make a gay man sooooo happy!
There are some guys out there who have dedicated much of their social lives to to seducing straight men, often with only sporadic success (of course that’s before we published this helpful little article). Many have tried, failed, and then lied about it.
(We’re talking about you, gay dude who swears that he hooked up with his college roommate after a party one time and you, gay porn stars, who claim to have been seduced by Tom Cruise in an Italian Villa. Yes, we know he’s shorter in real life than he appears on screen. You can Google that.)
By giving into your own curiosities, you’re also giving some gay man out there bragging rights for a lifetime. For the remainder of his years, he will tell his buddies about the time he got naked with a hetero guy. You could be that hetero guy.
1. You might like it
Remember when you were a kid and you said you hated brussels sprouts, even though you had never really tried them, then when you were adult you realized that, actually, brussels sprouts are pretty delicious, especially when tossed with olive oil and roasted?
The same could very well apply to gay sex. You may take a dip in the man pond and realize it’s actually pretty fun! And, no, just because you tried it once and kinda liked it doesn’t make you gay. You’re more than welcome to go back to your straight “lifestyle” in the morning.
We won’t judge you for it.
Catch up on the latest from Gay TikTok.
“Blowing up balloons. That really gets me going.”
Sometimes, even straight lines (or guys) can take a delightful twist. Don’t forget to subscribe to the Queerty newsletter for more fascinating insights and stories from the LGBTQ+ spectrum.