Pat Robertson was right. It seems his prophecy, and our secret mission, is actually happening. The homosexual crusade to convert innocent heterosexuals actually is paying dividends–even if the oleaginous Robertson himself seems to elude our charms.
That’s right. Heterosexuals the world over are acting way more gay than ever before, thanks to our obvious seductiveness and, well, TV shows like Modern Family, gay wedding cakes, and of course songs by Cher.
And can you blame them? Now that bigotry is diminishing, even non-gay guys can see how good we have it: the sexual liberation, the freedom from peer pressure and stereotyping, gender fluidity. Non-marriage and monogamy. Did we mention our own film fests and go-go boys?
Just how did we accomplish our goal? We’d never be so foolish as to divulge our secrets. But we can share with you the fruits of our labor.
Scroll down to see all the ways in which straight guys have been acting more gay…
More and more straight dudes are trading in fist bumps, high fives and back slapping for spooning and snuggling. A study published in the journal Men and Masculinities earlier this year found that 93 percent of straight-identifying British lads have cuddled with another guy, and a whopping 98 percent said they’d shared a bed with another man. Many claimed they did so for practical reasons, like crashing at a friend’s place after a night on the town, but others said they did it to “feel close” to their guy friends. Isn’t that sweet?
Earlier this month, one of our favorite vloggers Davey Wavey convinced straight dude Donald to try bottoming on camera. Sort of. Armed with a butt plug and lots of lube, Donald allowed himself to be videotaped from the waist up as he inserted the vibrating device into his derriere. “You know,” he said midway through the experiment, “I would say it feels pretty good because I’m starting to get hard.” Then he got straight to the point: “This weird magical spot in there that you wouldn’t expect to feel good.”
The folks over at Buzzfeed like to throw straight dudes into a big ‘ole pile of gays just to see what happens. They’ve imagined what if would be like if straight people had to come out, pried self-professed straight guy to dish on hot male celebrities, and even convincedbesties to look at each other naked for the first time. You know, for science. But our favorite experiment has to be the time they had straight guys kiss men for the first time. While the end result was more awkward than hot, we were still happy to see so many hetero dudes down with swapping spit with one another.
Watching gay erotica
Last November we uncovered a Reddit thread in which a straight man by the name of “father_figa” confessed to having “a very high sex drive and perhaps a smattering of sexual addictions,” which caused him to regularly watch gay porn. He then asked if other hetero guys ever did the same. More than 75 dudes replied by saying they, too, got off on watching hardcore man-on-man action.
Having gay sex
Perhaps the gayest behavior straight men have begun engaging lately is gay sex. Last December, yet another allegedly straight man took to Reddit to confess “I feel very attracted to girls and not at all to men when sober, but when I get high I just want a big cock to suck and a man who fucks the shit out of me.” So one day he “decided to have sex with a guy.”
Ultimately, he decided it kind of “grossed him out,” but he was glad he gave it it the good ‘ol schoolboy try.
We are, too.
Take that, Pat Robertson!