A woman in the UK has appealed to famed psychotherapist “Dear Kristen” for advice after finding gay adult websites in her husband’s computer browser history. The mother of two suspects her husband might be gay.
“Dear Kirsten,” the anonymous woman writes. “I’ve been with my partner for six years and we have two kids together. We still care about each other but things haven’t been that great between us for a while, I think once the kids came we both got really busy and haven’t had that much time for each other. I know I shouldn’t have but a few weeks ago I was using his computer and I looked at his search history, it had quite a few gay porn videos on there from Youtube.”
“I’ve tried to be open-minded about it but I’m worried that it means something about his sexuality and I can’t get over the thought that he might be gay – and that explains why things have cooled off between us,” she continues. “I do really love him, he’s a great dad and I would be heartbroken if we split. Do I just say nothing?”
Kristen responds with a thoughtful and cautious bit of advice.
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“My first thought is whether this is his search history?” Kristen wonders. “I can see you have two children together and that they are too young to be accessing this type of thing – are there any other kids in the house that might be curious? If it is your partner that is searching through the videos – it could mean so many different things. It could just be fantasy – and a fantasy is just that, something that you are not looking to enact in real life.”
“People’s turn-ons don’t always match their sexual orientation,” Kristen further points out. “There is a whole spectrum of sexuality that goes beyond ‘gay’ and ‘straight’.”
“Telling him that you snooped on him might be hard, I’m curious about why you did it, an obvious guess might be that you are either worried about the relationship – and the reasons things have cooled off or you are struggling with trusting him at the moment,” she continues. “Checking up can be tempting but it always runs the risk of finding something you might not like and then having to weigh up what you do about it. I think your best bet is to come clean, find a time that isn’t rushed and explain what you have seen.”
“It might be worth beforehand you thinking through the various answers he could give and how you would feel about them,” she further advises. “There is always the possibility that he has feelings for men and this might be difficult to hear – and difficult for him to have to say.”
Kristen goes on to advise a sensitive and nuanced conversation, one in which the anonymous woman and her husband ask detailed questions and listen accordingly. Kristen also suggests that if the woman’s husband is the one viewing the videos, his interest may be linked more to power dynamics than the gender of the people involved.
“Maybe what’s happening with your husband is a starting point for some honest discussions about how you guys are doing and what might need some work?” Kristen suggests. “I absolutely get why this has really worried you, it could be so many different things and the only way you will know for sure is to talk to him, after all this is the guy you love and it might be that something which on the surface would drive you apart – might actually bring you closer.”
We think that’s pretty sound advice. Here’s hope the couple has a great conversation and affirms their bond–regardless of the husband’s sexuality. On the other hand, if it turns out one of the kids was looking up gay sites, we hope the couple is prepared for a supportive conversation of another kind.
kcguy
Yes! Of course he is gay. You should allow him to explore and live his life in and out an open fashion. It’s time for him to explore his sexuality you should encourage it. Perhaps it’s time for you to give him his freedom and ask him for a divorce
MrMichaelJ
I love these questions when the advice gives doesn’t really go into the issue of snooping
Jon in Canada
Or maybe he’s Bi-sexual or even Pan-sexual. Best have a discussion before making assumptions.
Donston
In this type of situation, I’m not sure the dynamics of his sexuality or what identities he embraces matters all that much. She already has felt him growing distant for years, she doesn’t trust him (hence the snooping), and he seems to obviously be withholding some stuff. If the scenario is to be believed, it seems like she’s looking for an excuse to leave. While even if he claims a “bi” identity that doesn’t make up for all the potential years of deceiving and shielding and distance and distrust and snooping. And it doesn’t mean that he hasn’t used her or that he has overall hetero leanings or prefers hetero commitment. This type of conversation needs to go beyond identities and needs to more about mental health, the dimensions of someone’s sexuality, potential fluidity or contradictions, someone’s motivations in being with you, whether someone contends with internalized phobias or queer insecurities or hetero pressures, exactly how much they’ve hidden from you, whether they have done some things on the side, where someone is in the gender, sexual, romantic, affection, emotional investment, commitment spectrum. Making this all about identities is never smart. While being “not gay” isn’t the get out of jail free card so many try to treat it as.
But honestly, using “gay” and homo behaviors in hetero commitments for clickbait is both old for this site and old for these advice columns. And the advice is always redundant and basic. Let’s just move on people.
Squeak
Are there gay porn videos on YouTube, as anon woman writes ?
GNG_Studios
I dont think Youtube has Gay Porn ,,, But i understand this isnt the point ,,, she obviously suspected something to be snooping , Let him experiment ! See awesome porn here > boysnbriefs.com
Bosch
Again with the straight-washing.
“People’s turn-ons don’t always match their sexual orientation”
People’s turn-ons are EXACTLY their sexual orientation, it’s in the definition. What a roundabout way of saying #nohomo. It would be more accurate to say people turn-ons don’t match their sexual IDENTITY. It would benefit everyone to understand the difference between orientation and identity.
BoomerMyles
Oh just get him a rentmen and let him go wild.
Women need to accept that EVERYBODY needs a little D now and then.
rickywintour
Your a sick disgusting dirty piece of trash. I know your mother is rolling in her grave for not swallowing you.
cuteguy
If it was the other way around this wouldn’t be an issue. Why are women “curious” and men automatically “gay”? Why can only women “experiment” in college or otherwise and men are automatically labeled?
Cam
He gay, honey, and he prolly gay for me.
Cam
@Cam (Stolen Screename)
You’re so obsessed with me. But then again, as a failed right wing troll I can see why you’d want to be somebody else.
Liquid Silver
One, honey, why were you poking around in your husband’s search history?
(Cough). That aside, yeah, something’s going on. Maybe, I don’t know, talk about it instead of both of you sneaking around with all the secrecy? You’re both hiding crap from each other. Cut that out.
Invader7
She’s VERY WRONG For snooping..Trust issues. He’s wrong for not being open & upfront. A man has such rigid , societal roles to conform to it’s total BS. Yet women can be ” curious ” / ” experimental “.. Overall society NEEDS to adjust to and update it’s outlook on male / female identity /gender /sex /sexuality issues…
Troyfight
@Invader7 …..”she’s very wrong for snooping.”…… didn’t you know that’s “Most Women 101.” ….other than that, I’m a perv and curious if the husband is cute and wants to lay back in a sling. Shame on me.
Cam
These advice columnists seem almost designed to lie to readers to keep them in a bad situation. Here the woman writes.
““People’s turn-ons don’t always match their sexual orientation,” Kristen further points out.””
What a bunch of crap. Look, if he is looking at a mix of porn that contains women and men, some gay some straight etc. then maybe he’s bi or pan and things will be fine. But if this woman is finding ONLY gay porn in her husband’s history, telling her it doesn’t mean anything is not only stupid, but cruel.
Decades ago all the books used to say that being gay was a phase that many many young boys went through in their early teens. So if you read some biographies, these gay guys were waiting for this phase to end.
Same here, telling the woman that the porn her husband consumes has nothing to do with his sexuality is just about the most ridiculous thing she could have said.