HANDY ADVICE

Guys Who Masturbate Will Be Met With Their Impregnated Hands In The Afterlife, Televangelist Warns

1033577_39be0d9c78d396d2e4b8e7d7d751c3a2Someone is giving Pat Robertson a run for his money.

Mücahid Cihad Han (pictured) is a popular Muslim televangelist from Turkey. He recently warned followers that men who masturbate will be greeted by their “pregnant hand in the afterlife.”

The statement came at a Q&A session during Sunday’s taping, when one of Han’s viewers asked the preacher about masturbation.

The man claimed he was addicted to pleasuring himself, saying he “kept masturbating, although he was married, and even during the Umrah,” the holy piligrimage to Mecca performed by Muslims.

Related: Sexy Magazine Drives Sperm Donor To Masturbate To Death

Han, who once called homosexuality “evil” and “the worst of all sins,” scolded the man, telling him that Islam strictly forbids masturbation.

“One hadith states that those who have sexual intercourse with their hands will find their hands pregnant in the afterlife,” he cautioned.

The televangelist continued: “If our viewer was single, I could recommend he marry, but what can I say now? … Resist Satan’s temptations!”

Unfortunately, rather than offering clarity, the statement only created more confusion, as the Internet was soon abuzz with followup questions, including: Are there gynecologists in the afterlife? Is abortion allowed there? What about adoption? But, perhaps most importantly, how exactly will the hand give birth?

Related: More And More Men Are Refusing To Masturbate And Here’s Why

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14 Comments

  • Xzamilio

    Look, it’s not a coincidence that biggest morons and most aggressively ignorant individuals you find tend to have a holy book in one hand while wagging their finger at you with the other… because the minute they put either hand down, they’re going into the bathroom to masturbate violently and then cry for three hours about how they’ve defiled themselves. It’s also not a coincidence that the more religious you see someone, the more violent their sexual fantasies tend to be.

    The religiously repressed ones are usually the most kinky, but get off and get out because they might have some buyer’s remorse and wanna kill a bitch.

  • Captain proton

    Thank god for FleshLight :)

  • Wooly

    I can understand some people wanting a bit of spirituality in their lives, but I’ll never understand why people listen to llooneys.

  • Chris Vogel

    It doesn’t matter which religion they belong to (although the monotheistic religions are much more vicious and bloodthirsty); they are all stupid and malicious.

  • Soulforce1

    Thank gawd my hand, like me, is gay and impossible to impregnate.

  • RevJames

    That’s wonderful! Since he isn’t interested in sex but will have all those children to watch it will give his 72 virgins something to do.

  • Curty

    No masturbation? So if you aren’t married, if you are gay… you can’t please yourself.. that’s no fair.. thankfully most sane people don’t listen to him. Doesn’t the Mormon religion preach the same thing?

  • mododavid

    God Damn IT! My hands are going to be the Michelle Duggar of the after life!

  • tsginamarieva

    Actually, the muslim televangelist is wrong, the first question that comes to mind is whether the guy’s hand is a muslim, as well. Because if it’s not, then they have to worry about how they will raise the fingers once the hand gives birth.

    Frankly, it’s refreshing to see that lunacy is spreading beyond Christendom, and that someone is giving Pat Robertson a run for his money.

  • jwtraveler

    @Captain proton: Interesting question. Does that count as masturbation? I think most people, religious lunatics included, would say yes, as it is a solitary act. Also, no vagina involved, which precludes the possibility of procreation, which we all know is the only appropriate purpose of ejaculation.

  • Jason Harris McBroom

    That explains why Muslim men and fundamentalist Christians are so hostile! But it could go either way. You’ve got the grinning idiot variety ( probably just horny at the thought of seeing a knee cap!) and the angry Muslim with a boner he can’t touch. That’s a big ass sacrifice I’m just not willing to make. Me and all of my hand grown children. ???

  • dvlaries

    Maybe it’s just my suspicious nature, but before we believe this guy, suppose we find out if he happens to own stock in a rubber glove company and is just trying to move units.

Comments are closed.